Xander Harris

     In the late part of the second season and early part of season three, two main couples ruled the dating realm. Xander and Cordelia, Willow and Oz. Between the two couples, I was always far more interested in what was happening between Xander and Cordelia rather than Willow and Oz. Why? Because Xander and Cordelia had an element of love-hate while Willow and Oz were strictly love-love. We knew before hand that popular Cordelia Chase always picked on unpopular Xander Harris and vice-versa, but when they got together in season two, it was shocking and unexpected (well, it was supposed to be, I, for one, saw it coming a mile away). The equation was simple - The either love to hate each other or hate to love each other. That caused a lot of angst to develop and kept their relationship fresh and evolving. Although it could be argued that this was also a factor in their breakup, it's true. Being in a love-hate relationship is extremely taxing and the "little things" that happen aren't forgiven as easily as they would be in a love-love relationship. In the case of Cordelia and Xander, it just wasn't meant to be. Xander did screw up, but Cordelia wasn't able to move past his mistake and thus, their relationship went back to hate-hate for them.

     Enter Anya. Literally. Anya shows up in Xander's life even before he knew it. When Cordelia and Xander broke up, she felt the need for vengeance and unknowingly summoned Anyanka who granted her a wish (which should be pointed out, that in the Wish-verse, Cordy was still angry that Xander and Willow were together, even though they were now vampires. Vamp Willow and Xander kill her together). Anya is turned human after reality is set straight and even though she knows what Xander did to Cordelia, she asks him to go to Prom with her. Xander knows that she is an ex-demon who tortured men for a thousand years so there's much resentment with him from the very beginning. Anya grows to love him while Xander doesn't know what's going on with himself. They come to start dating, and he once again enters into a love-hate relationship.

     Over time, however, he shows signs that he is in love with her, and things take an interesting twist. The love-hate relationship progresses into a love-love relationship between themselves, but the others (mostly Willow) distrust and somewhat dislike Anya forming a love-hate relationship with them. They placate Xander by accepting Anya in the beginning, but they don't have to like it. While their relationship delves into a love-love relationship, it remains fresh and strong instead of falling into the "cute" trap. It is difficult to maintain a love-love relationship while still throwing verbal assaults at each other (Xander continuously points out her ineptitude at "being human" while Anya continuously points out his frailties and shortcomings). It is this difficulty that keeps their relationship strong and thriving even if it is love-love instead of love-hate. In the sixth season, however, Xander makes another mistake by leaving Anya at the altar because he can't overcome his insecurities about himself, and ending their love-love relationship. Anya becomes a demon again and is looking to punish Xander, but can't. Xander still loves Anya and Anya still loves Xander. But both act like children when it comes to dealing with each other after they break up, turning it into a complex love-hate relationship. They are both in love, but they both feel hate towards the other.

Willow Rosenburg

     Don't get me wrong, I loved Willow and Oz, but their love-love relationship wasn't nearly as interesting as Cordelia and Xander's relationship. When in a love-love relationship, things tend to become static and "normal." Until the episode "Lovers Walk" where Cordelia and Oz find their respective partners kissing and they both break up, things between Willow and Oz had become "cute" (and "cute" is something to avoid in a story). Sure, they got back together, but their relationship continued to remain static rather than fresh. Even when Willow and Oz took their relationship to a sexual level, it remained the same. Oz's character could best be described as there. If Oz disapproved or had negative feelings about some things Willow did or was getting into (though he did mention it to her) he never would have crossed her. He's rather passive by nature, but when it came to love, he didn't want to rock the boat less Willow get upset and they would fight. Love-love relationships, in the long run, tend not to last and it was true in their case. In the case of Cordelia and Xander, they failed in the love-hate dynamic, but in the case of Willow and Oz, the love-love dynamic failed them. Because Oz cheated on Willow in wolf-form, he wasn't able to move past his mistakes and made the decision for them both that their relationship was over and moved away. His love for Willow made him go search for a cure to his curse, but it broke Willow's heart when he left. In the end, it didn't matter what the reason was. He just left.

     Along comes Tara, the shy but powerful Wicca. Once their relationship gets started, it's immediately love-love. While this is the second love-love relationship for Willow, it is different mainly because it's entirely new territory for Willow. It's not everyday a girl falls in love with another girl. So while this love-love dynamic is in play, it remains fresh and new because it is fresh and new. The fourth season continues to develop and explore their love-love relationship and in the fifth season they taper off from being fresh and new to being one constant while their magickal powers continue to grow and expand. In the sixth season, however, their relationship is tested by Willow herself. Because her magickal abilities have grown exceptionally, Tara begins to fear her powers both for her and Willow's sake. When Tara learns she removed some of her memory (about having a fight), Tara is disgusted Willow would violate her like that. When she does it again, Tara has no choice but to take herself out of the situation where she won't be hurt. Although she still loves Willow, she has to show her that magick does have consequences (pointed out by Spike to Xander and Anya after they brought Buffy back) and that the consequence of Willow's spells against Tara has made her leave.

     When Willow hits rock bottom with magick, she sees she has a problem and gives it up, both for herself and for Tara. While it was because of her love for Willow that made her leave the relationship and the house where they both lived, she didn't leave town like Oz. Maintaining the love-love relationship made Tara strong to do what she did and because she didn't leave, she showed Willow that she still loved her and that there might be a chance for them again. I think while the love-love dynamic failed in Oz's case, it worked in Tara's because she stood up to Willow and showed her she was doing something wrong.

Buffy Summers

     Buffy has been trained exceptionally well as a Slayer - by her first Watcher, Merrick, and then by Giles. But even though the Watcher's Council wants her to believe demons equal bad and humans equal good, she can see the grey areas in the demon world. Not all demons are bad, not all humans are good. When she first moved to Sunnydale, she met the mysterious Angel, a tall dark man whom helped her out with information on demon activity. It was only after she started caring for him that she found out he was a vampire himself. For both Buffy and Angel, they went against their natures to find a common ground to love.

     Unfortunately, it was because of their love that Angel lost his soul and reverted back to his demonic nature fully and became obsessed with hating her. While Buffy and Angel had a love-love relationship, Buffy and Angelus had a love-hate obsession. She knew he was a dangerous killer that wanted to torture those she loved to get to her and said she could kill him, but in her heart she wasn't ready for that responsibility until it cost her nearly everyone she loved. Jenny Calendar and Kendra were killed, Willow placed in a coma for a few hours, Xander a broken arm, and Giles was kidnapped and tortured for hours. During the final battle with Angelus, Acathla was awakened. The only way to close the portal was to kill Angelus, but at the moment she went in for the final blow, he was cursed again with his soul and became her lover, Angel, once more. Killing him was the hardest thing she has ever done.

     Although he was dead, he continued to haunt her dreams. Then when she had forced herself to move on, he returns from the hell dimension she sent him too. Buffy and Angel decide to keep their relationship platonic but both of them aren't fooled. Ultimately, their love-love relationship proved to be too dangerous to be continued, and Angel decided to leave Sunnydale to give Buffy the chance at a normal life with a normal man.

     When Buffy enters college, she meets Riley Finn. He's supposed to be "Joe Normal" but it is seemingly doomed from the start. He's stronger than normal men because he's apart of a secret government military unit in Sunnydale to capture and study demons. She hesitantly begins a relationship with him, but when she finds out he's part of the Initiative, she immediately calls things off. She's still scarred from Angel and she just sees Riley as another mistake. Eventually she gets the courage to just try, and so things are back on with him. This relationship is difficult to classify, Buffy never really lets Riley into her heart because she's afraid, causing Riley to pull an Angel act and leave town after a year.

     And then, there was Spike.

     This relationship is the epitome of the classic love-hate dynamic (not to mention my favourite). Even those who don't think this relationship was a good idea in the first place couldn't argue that this is the hottest relationship she's ever been in. With Angel, their mutual love but opposing natures made them the ideal romantic. With Riley, their indifferent levels of love made them cute, but not very interesting in the exotic settings of the Hellmouth. But with Buffy and Spike, their one-sided love trysts made them passionate beyond anyone's expectations. It was all due to the dynamics of the love-hate relationship they found themselves in and then pushed to the limits. Unfortunately, a relationship based solely on passion tends to burn itself out too quickly and consume both partners.

     During season five, Buffy's long-time vampire enemy progressed from wanting her dead to wanting her in bed. His obsession with Slayers took an interesting twist during this time. While he's always taken pride in the two he's killed, he finally has fallen in love with one, one that has hated him ever since she met him. While it is portrayed as a budding crush at the beginning, and dismissed as such, it quickly develops into full pledge love on his part when he not only threatens to destroy his sire (the woman he had been in love with for over a century), but also endures hours of torture by an insane Hell God for Dawn's safety and Buffy's happiness. He's treated badly (well, he was always treated badly, but now it's worse) by the rest of her friends and family because of his newfound love. When Glory kidnaps Dawn and they all are going to the fight, Buffy not only invites him back into her life, but into her home as well. She knows they aren't all going to live through the upcoming fight, but he's the only one she trusts to protect Dawn even if the portal to destroy the world opens. Her feelings at this point aren't hate, but not love as well. The last scene of the fifth season of Spike is of him crying while Buffy lies dead on a pile of debris.

     In the sixth season, their relationship took a very heated route. Her friends resurrected her, pulling her out of Heaven, and he was one of the few not involved. Because of this, and also because he's been through the process of death himself, Buffy confides in Spike and considers him a friend. But she wants him to fix her life for her, and while he'd do anything for her, she's driving him crazy with her hot and cold attitude. Because she doesn't feel like she's really alive (she doesn't have a huge range of emotions in the beginning), she and Spike share a few passionate kisses when she becomes overwhelmed. It means everything to him, but she tells him that it means nothing to her. One night, while investigating a mystery, he discovers that his chip no longer works on her, which leads him to fight it out with Buffy without holding back. Their fight is in an abandoned house and, as they fight, the building starts falling down. Then their battle turns sexual, initiated by Buffy, not Spike.

     Over the course of season six, Buffy and Spike's sexual escapades brought a level of spice to her otherwise drab world. The only time she feels anything other than numbness, is when she's with him. But she's never gentle or loving, she's simply using him for sex that is always initiated by a flying punches and hearty kicks. Spike was desperate for any reciprocation by her, and though she says otherwise, he keeps telling her that she'll love him, that he's in her system and she'll crave him.

     Both of them are using each other, and it's a terribly unhealthy relationship for either of them to be in. She's depending on him to make her feel and he's depending on her to fulfill his desires. She says one thing, but does the opposite. Prime example is when he flat out asks her if she trusts him while he's holding a pair of handcuffs. She tells him she'll never trust him, but allows him to handcuff her anyway. He does a lot of good for her during this season, but she repays him by keeping their relationship from her friends and constantly lying about her whereabouts. At a midpoint, Buffy beats him severely projecting all her hate and anger at herself onto him all the time comparing him to Angel. But she eventually breaks off their affair when she realizes how badly she's treating him, though it was mostly selfishly done because of how bad she felt about what she has done. And for a time after their break up, they are more civil and respectful than either has ever been to the other.

     In the end, their chances at civility and happiness get blown to hell by childish behaviour and deep-rooted anger. Buffy keeps telling him why they cannot be together trying to make herself understand and Spike uses alcohol to drown his sorrows. Spike has sex with Anya because of mutual heartbreak and drinking. Buffy finds out and is hurt deeply. When he goes to apologize, he ends up hurting her even more by trying to force her into sex. After she knocks him away, he realizes that it's not just Buffy who's messed up, but him as well. So he leaves to get something Buffy has always rubbed in his face. A soul so he can love her the way she needs and protect her from the demon inside.

     Angel was her "true love," but even so it does not mean that they are supposed to be together forever. This was driven home by the clause to his soul - he cannot have true happiness and he is happy with Buffy. While Riley was in a love-love relationship with Buffy, she never opened herself up to him like he needed. The dynamics of this relationship, on both sides, was clearly doomed from the start. Buffy couldn't trust herself to open to the possible pain, Riley wanted to protect Buffy from her world even though she didn't need it. I liked Buffy and Angel because of the hopelessness and angst but I couldn't stand the cute normalcy of Buffy and Riley together. Not to mention that I found Riley to be too whiny and slightly chauvinistic. To Buffy, Spike really was the convenience Riley believed himself to be. He made her feel something other than the numbness she lived with after being torn out of Heaven by those she loved and trusted. No matter how she treated him, he would always come back for more because of his passion for her. Spike is a person driven and ruled entirely by his emotions, unlike most people, and therefore sometimes makes rash and foolish choices. But his time with Buffy, even though they ended badly, forced her to face the darker aspects of herself and see him in a new light at the same time. It was because of him that she remained alive and it was also because of him that she learned how to live again.

     "Conventional" has never been a word to be associated with a series by Joss Whedon. Joss gives us life as it is instead of what we want wrapped up in a mystical setting. Sometimes the two coincide and sometimes they are so far from ideal that we grow angry. All in all, these types of relationships keep drawing us into their tangled, and sometimes messy, webs spun by the writers. The writers of the show are definitely in synch with the dynamics of the love-love and love-hate relationships out in the world. The workings of both are prevalent throughout all the cast as well as the entire series. Buffy: the Vampire Slayer wouldn't be nearly as popular as it is now without all the romance, angst, love, and hate. As being a piece of life, Joss shows us that life doesn't always have a prince on a white horse sweeping the heroine off her feet and riding into the fading sunlight. More likely, it is a vampire adorned in black getting knocked on his ass by the heroine while trying to avoid the deadly sunlight. Love is not always romance and gentle touches. Thank the Powers, then, because then life would be utterly boring!

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