Imitor Vita Pro Amor by Celeste and Debbie

Part VIII
Hero

Spike entered his crypt, mind working speedily (because if it didn’t, he was certain he’d chicken out on this harebrained idea any second). He told himself he would get the only the bare necessities, which constituted as clothes, money, and what blood he had stored in the mini-fridge. And his one remaining picture of Buffy. The one Dawn had given him, because she’d said she’d needed something to look at, that was just Buffy. She’d said he needed one, too. They’d even gone to get it framed. She was beautiful in that picture, all golden haired and happy. Genuinely happy. He wondered what had brought that smile to her face. Had it been Riley? Dawn? Joyce? Her other friends? He wondered vaguely, what it would take to get her to smile like that once for him.

Sighing, he stuffed his clothing into a duffle bag he had gotten from the back of his car, and gently put the picture on top of everything. Then with purpose, he emptied the fridge of beer and the two packets of blood remaining. If he left now, he’d get to LA by three, plenty of time to find a place to stay before sunup.

Fully packed, he jumped the back wall of the cemetery into the street, where his DeSoto was parked. He loaded his belongings into the back seat, and tossed his case of beer onto the passenger side. He would probably need that soon.

Mentally, he told himself that he should have been pleased with himself. He had packed in less than 10 minutes, gotten everything planned and settled, and was ready to go. He should have been proud of himself for having the resolve to go through with this. He should have been, in any case. But in truth, all he did he feel like was the reprise of his bloody grandsire, leaving the one person he loved more than anything else in the world, in the middle of the night, to an uncertain future, just because he thought it might be for the best. He growled low in his throat and made for the driver’s side of the car. He was NOT his grandsire. He planned on coming back. Maybe. After the pain got too much to bear one day, or when he completely lost all control of his faculties and got off his ass drunk. But either way, he was going, now. Then, he heard a scream.

Ignoring the part of his head that said the PTB’s were giving him a sign, he debated whether or not he should go and see what all the distress was about. He didn’t need to do good anymore; he was leaving. There was no one here to send him that one-way ticket to guilt city of he ignored the distress call. Buffy wasn’t around to watch him, or Dawn. He wasn’t earning any brownie points, or A’s for effort. He could just ignore it… leave. Go now.

Giving an aggravated snarl, he slammed his car door shut and scrambled back towards the forests behind the cemetery, where the sound had come from. He was getting softer, as he grew older, and the Slayer’s influence wasn’t helping. Part of him wanted to walk around and take off in the DeSoto without a backwards glance, while the other part of him was thinking about some poor girl getting ripped apart by a group of fangs. Was that girl as important to someone as Buffy and Dawn were to him? Would he be responsible for shattering someone’s entire world if he didn’t go after her? Would he make someone else feel like he had felt, when Buffy had died? He couldn’t bear the thought of it alone. Taking off at a sprint towards the smell of human fear, he ducked low, edging along the shadows at a ground eating pace.

~*~*~*~

Buffy entered Spike’s cemetery at a brisk pace 15 minutes later, senses on alert in case of danger. Part of her knew that there would be no trouble here. Apparently, Spike had been thorough in his clean up after Buffy had died. Willy had said there was a rumor in the demon underground that Spike had gone completely nuts and killed every demon in his path after the death of the slayer. Demons were told to avoid him. He was generally feared, as much as he had been during his days as the Sunnydale master. He had been the boogey man of the boogey men. A fearsome, destructive force of pure anguish that had ripped through the demon lines in Sunnydale, ripping limbs from trunks, crushing eyeballs, and spilling and pulling out innards. She didn’t doubt it.

She found herself at the door to his crypt, and contemplated knocking or barging in. She tapped the back of her hand against the door twice, and waited a second. When there was no answer, she pushed herself inside. “Spike?”

Her eyes searched desperately. "Spike?!" she called, louder this time, her voice a little more shrill. She tore apart the crypt, searching for him; in the tunnels below where he'd first chained her up with Drusilla, hoping that he was hiding, moping, hell, even smoking. But he was nowhere to be found. It looked like she'd done a bang up job again. The one person who never seemed to go away as much as she'd get annoyed and angry with, had gone. She was definitely the queen of chasing men away. Even William the Bloody got tired of her. She scaled the ladder back up to the mail floor and looked lazily around the crypt, before falling into his armchair.

To her surprise tears trickled down her face. Why'd she let him go in the first place?! So what if Spike would've gotten the wrong impression if she asked him to stay?! At least he'd still be here. If there were never to be a Spike and Buffy romance, at least they had been amazing partners in battle. Buffy pondered why she could trust the vamp with her life, but not her heart.

The room was still dark, and she took a moment to try and adjust to it, hoping she would see him appear out of the shadows at any second, like he had done on occasion upon occasion. But instinctively, she knew she wouldn’t. She couldn’t feel him. Sighing, she flipped on the lamp at his table, and looked around the empty crypt once more. The fridge was open; empty. The picture of her that Dawn had given him was gone. He had missed a shirt while packing, and it laid on the floor in a heap, a testament to his speedy departure. “Wow, when you drive ‘em out, you really drive ‘em out,” Buffy muttered to herself, fighting past that feeling of hopelessness and loss swelling in her chest. She got up off the armchair and walked across the crypt, and picking up the forgotten shirt. A black silk button up with white dragons twisting around the sleeves like wisps of smoke. She studied it, smelled it. It smelled like him. She tucked it into her arm, the last sign of him she might ever see.

She crossed the room again, and sat down, staring at the blank television screen for a moment. He’d be watching Passions, or Dawson’s Creek if he were here, she realized. He liked that Pacey character. Something about how Dawson might be Joey’s soul mate, but Pacey was her equal. He could become her soul mate. She absently rubbed the material of his shirt with her fingers, and told herself she wasn’t going to cry. He had been her friend. And he could be back again, one day.

So for now, she thought about him. When they’d slain together they always moved as one, as a team. She knew where he'd be at all times and what he was doing. She thought like he did, as if their minds and body’s were of the same spirit. When they fought, he was the one person she didn't feel she needed to keep an eye on like Riley, or Xander or any of the Scoobies... He was an asset in the slaying department, and, though she had been the slowest to admit it, in the friendship department. As a friend, she shouldn't have let him leave.

She brought her knees to her chest, hugging them close. She leaned her head back and was enveloped in the essence of him. His scent surrounded her like a lazy, smoky blanket. The leather, cigarettes, and warm scent of him was and forever would be, embedded in the over worn old chair. She sighed heavily, her heart feeling leaden. How was it that she would put her life in Spike's hands, but she couldn't even ponder giving him her heart? If he was good enough to be her friend, good enough to trust with her life, how was it he wasn't worthy of her heart? He was the one who knew all of her, knew what it was like to live an un-normal life, to be the Slayer. The only one who really knew her at all.

She tried to reconcile that thought with the fact that he was a killer, and that the chip was the only thing standing between him and a murderous rampage. But then again, she had to ask, was it really that chip that she thought made Spike the man he'd become? No, of course, it had to be. Vampires just didn't change, they stayed, as they were; violent and bloodthirsty and remorseless. It's not possible for them to truly love! If it was possible... then why hadn’t Angelus been able to subdue the nature of his demon? She screamed internally, pounding her fist on the arm of the chair. Why did she constantly compare Spike with Angelus?! Just because they were both evil didn't mean they were equal. Angelus had always been a cruel and heartless bastard. Even as a 'big bad' Spike wasn't as nasty. He'd helped her back then too, just for the sake of saving the world. And to get him and Dru out safe of course, but he’d ultimately done it for love. She stopped breathing a moment. He’d LOVED Dru. Her mind reflected back on the night Spike made her go on that fake stakeout, and nearly confessed his love for her. She'd said some horrible things to him. She'd told him it wasn't possible for him to feel love for her or anyone.

She'd told him he was like a locked up serial killer waiting to break free. She’d said that the chip was the entire reason behind his sudden change of heart. The question was; what could possibly have been in it that made Spike do a total 360'? No, of course not. Computers weren’t that advanced. They didn’t tell a person, undead or not, what to do, how to feel, who to love. Was it Dawn, then? He loved that little girl with all his undead life... had it been her that made him change? Or had it been something completely different? Perhaps, boredom… tired of being the 'big bad'? Was it because Dru left him? No matter how much the chip kept him from killing the innocent, it never made him risk his life helping her and the Scoobies, Buffy could admit that now. And it never made him fall in love with her. It never made him want to keep promises to a little girl and her big sister, or look out for their best interests even at the cost of his life. Spike had done that, still did that, on his own. He chose to do those things because deep down, he'd do anything for Buffy Summers. Anything for her love. A love she'd never return. He’d known that, yet he’d still been there. He’d known she’d never love him.

Sighing to herself, she realized she wished she had told him. The night she had died, he had said he knew she’d never love him. That he was a monster. She had wanted to tell him there, that he wasn’t a monster. She had wanted to tell him maybe she might love him one day. But there hadn’t been time. There hadn’t been enough of her to think about that with everything else going on. She had wanted to tell him when she came back too, but things had been awkward. And lately… she hadn’t thought about it. He had been there, with her, and she had decided that was enough. He had been her friend.

Now, he was gone again. And she hadn’t told him. She hadn’t told him that he was more of a man than anyone could ever have known. She hadn’t told him that she could maybe love him, one day. She hadn’t thanked him for staying strong and taking care of Dawn and the rest of them, or taking over her slaying duties while she’d been gone. She hadn’t apologized for being so terrible to him during their problems with Glory. She hadn’t told him that Joey chose Pacey over Dawson because he was more than her equal, or her soul mate. She hadn’t fought enough with him. Hadn’t seen enough of that smirk, or that spark they had when they battled, together or against each other. They hadn’t danced enough.

She brought the shirt up to her face and rubbed it against her cheek. They hadn’t danced enough. Buffy buried her head in his scent and wept.

~*~*~*~

Spike skidded to a stop near the new end of the cemetery just at the border to the woods, where all the fresh headstones were being plotted. His keen eyes searched the dark, seeing something sparking like lightning just ahead. He sprinted towards it, and the sound of electricity charging and zapping rang in his ears. And as he stumbled upon the scene, he came to see a young girl near Dawn's age was lying on the floor, eyes wide and frightened. She was crying and backing up against a headstone. The look on her face made him think of his Platelet, and he growled internally.

Spike followed the girl’s gaze to a tall demon with blue, yellow and white light illuminating off of its skin, like a freakishly twisted variation on the Aurora Borealis. He sizzled and buzzed with electricity. "What the bloody hell are you?!" Spike questioned, puzzled face on. The demon didn’t speak but instead, the buzzing grew louder and a bolt of electricity zapped out, setting a patch of grass at Spike’s feet on fire.

The girl screamed again as a small flame erupted. Spike moved quickly, rushing to her side and keeping a wary eye on his opponent, who’s crackling seemed to grow louder with each passing second. He lifted her from the ground as if she weighed nothing. Making his voice gentle, so as not to frighten the poor lamb anymore than she had already been, he looked into her eyes. "Can you run?"

She nodded, wide eyes on the demon, not Spike.

"Then go on, get out of here..." Spike ordered, shoving her away from the monster.

She ran off, not looking back. "Now... how to get rid of you..." Spike turned his game face on. "What I wouldn't give for a giant wall outlet to zap you into right now... you’d probably bloody power Sunnyhell for weeks!"

The demon zapped another bolt at Spike, sending him scurrying out of the way. "Ya missed, General Electric..." Spike chuckled, though the shot had come alarmingly close. He suddenly froze, his undead heart breaking. He frowned thinking how much he sounded like the slayer.

In his moment of weakness, the demon caught him off guard and sent another bolt of electricity at the vampire.

This time Spike couldn't jump out of the way quickly enough. The bolt hit him and he feared catching fire and becoming a smoldering pile of gray dust. He vibrated with the shock of the blow, and was vaguely aware of the smell of burning hair. Another jolt sent him falling to the ground, smoke coming from his head. The vampire twitched in shock, the pain overcoming him. His whole body trembled as the white-hot current ran through his long dead veins, coursing through every inch of him. He cursed into the night air before passing out from the pain in his head.

The demon moved towards the intruder it had knocked unconscious, as if wanting to touch it. But it suddenly reared back, realizing that the form held no life. It lacked the energy its master was searching for. So the hulking ball of condensed electricity left the demon lying there, because it would serve no purpose. It required life energy.

~*~*~*~

It was nearly 2am when Buffy finally left his chair, taking his tear stained shirt with her. She slammed the crypt door close behind her with a finality. As much as she wanted to believe Spike would be back, she wouldn't allow herself to get her hopes up. They never came back.

She'd walked home in record time, and all she wanted to do was get in her bed and close her scratchy, bloodshot eyes. One part of her was still in shock and disbelief while the other was numb to all thoughts or feeling. She hadn't felt so upset since Glory had taken Dawn from her. If someone had seen her at that moment, they would have realized Buffy has the same wide-eyed tortured expression on her face now as she had then.

She slipped in the front door, locking it behind her. She was about to slip quietly up the stairs when Dawn appeared out of the shadows of the living room. "Buffy??"

She didn't even jump or react to her sister’s sudden presence. She just turned her wide eyes towards the young girl, biting her lip.

Dawn saw her sister’s distraught expression and for a moment, she dreaded that they’d fought again, and Buffy had killed Spike. "Oh God, what happened Buffy? Where's Spike?!" Buffy stared blankly at the younger girl. She didn't know how to break it to Dawn. It would shatter her heart.

She gripped her shoulders. "Buffy, you're scaring me! Tell me what happened?!"

"I'm sorry Dawnie. He...he's gone..." she stuttered her voice raspy.

"What?" Dawn's heart plummeted to her feet. Tears immediately filled her eyes. "What do you mean?!"

"He was already gone by the time I got there. I was too late, Dawnie. Spike left," Buffy explained, trying to keep calm, but seeing her sister so upset was making her cry all over again.

"Nooooo...." Dawn howled, stomping her feet. She felt cold inside. "HE CAN'T BE GONE!"

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." Buffy repeated over and over, touching her shoulder.

Dawn shook off her hand like she'd been burned. "Don't touch me! It's all your fault!! This is ALL YOUR fault Buffy!! You made him leave!"

"I didn't mean to!" she said with sincerity. "I didn't!"

"It's your fault! I'll never forgive you for this! NEVER!" Dawn threatened with venom. "Never!" she stormed up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door shut.

Buffy's shoulder's shook with sorrow. She'd really screwed up. She felt lost and alone for the first time in a long time. She stepped up the stairs slowly, walking into her room and stood with her arms wrapped around herself. She closed her eyes, wishing she could feel Spike close by, but she felt nothing at all. He was no place close. She threw his shirt on her bed and turned on her radio, slipping into bed beside the shirt. She curled up
against it, breathing in the scent.

Her mind drifted to tonight again, dancing with him. Everything seemed so different, like they were two different people then. Like the world around them didn't exist.

I have a smile
Stretched from ear to ear
You see you walking down the road

We meet at the lights
I stare for a while
The world around disappears

When they’d danced tonight nothing else seemed to matter. They held each other close and for once, it hadn’t seemed as wrong as it was supposed to. In fact, it had felt right. They were two in the same. Had she seen it sooner, maybe things would be different.

Just you and me
On this island of hope
A breath between us could be miles

Let me surround you
My sea to your shore
Let me be the calm you seek

She knew she cared for Spike. She wouldn't deny that anymore. Whether it was love or not, she wasn't sure. She wanted to know, wanted to discover what reasons the vampire had to choose to be good; why he chose to love the one person he should never love, why he was all the things he was. But now, she wasn't sure she'd ever find out.

Oh and every time I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away

And I forgot
To tell you
I love you

She closed her eyes so tight they burned. She huffed, breathing heavily from crying. "Spike...please come back..." she begged. But she knew the plea was empty. They never came back.

And the night's
Too long
And cold here
Without you
I grieve in my condition
For I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

She could be the slayer, and show such physical strength, such emotional strength to battle demons everyday and risk her life. It all seemed so routine and easy that she never thought she had a weakness. Her weakness was the inability to admit she needed help sometimes and that she needed love. A cold chill made her shiver and she grew uncomfortable. She was so alone.

Oh and every time I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away

And I forgot
To tell you
I love you

And the night's
Too long
And cold here
Without you

Part IX
Complication

Spike's eyes shot open and he gasped for air that he didn’t need. He felt odd right away. His head was pounding and searing. His undead heart accelerated for a moment, and his lungs filled with air. Then it all went black and his heart stopped and he no longer needed to breathe. He was scared with the momentary brush with life. It must have been some type of side effect to the electrocution. He was just glad it hadn’t been hot enough to torch him completely. Though he was sure he was burned in some places. He groaned, his whole body aching. He moved his legs, trying to sit up. The world moved in circles and for a moment he thought he'd drank too much had a real bad hangover. But the searing pain in his head was so different than anything he'd felt before. He put a hand to his head and he hissed from the heat scorching his hand. He finally got his feet under him and stood.

"Spike!!" Buffy's voice filled his ears.

He stared ahead, eyes trying to focus. "Buffy?" He stumbled forward, nearly falling over. "That you, luv?"

"Oh God, Spike, what happened to you?!" Buffy panicked looking over his burns. Even his hair was singed.

"Some electric problems..." Spike shrugged. He leaned into the petite blonds arms. "I'll be all right now luv, you're here..."

"Oh Spike, I'll take care of you..." she hugged him close.

He smiled. "I need you Buffy. I need you so much. I love you. I can't live without you..." he purred.

"Spike... I love you too!" Buffy proclaimed.

He smiled, resting his weight on her. He felt so serene, so calm.

Suddenly her voice was screeching at him. "Get off! Get off me!!"

Spike's head shot up and he was no longer in Buffy's arms, but the young girl he'd saved from the demon. He stared with confusion at her, stumbling back. "What the..."

"I... I think you're delusional mister..." she glared at him. "I came back to see if you were okay. I wanted to thank you for helping me..."

Spike focused on the dark haired, short girl with some difficulty. She was slightly blurry. "Er, no problem..."

"Looks like that thing electrocuted you...." she frowned. "You're all singed. You feel okay, other than the delusions?"

"Just peachy," Spike hissed, his head throbbing.

"Maybe we should take you to a hospital. It's nearly dawn. If we hurry we'll beat the morning rush..." the girl offered.

"No!" Spike stepped back. "I'll be fine. You run on home..."

"C'mon mister, you saved my life! At least lemme help you!" The girl grabbed his arm and started tugging.

"No!" Spike shouted, tossing her off with more force than he had intended.

She hit the ground with a soft thud. "Ow!"

He waited for the shock in his brain from the chip. But there was nothing. No shock, no pain. Spike hit his head, wondering if he'd been dreaming this too.

"Hey, that hurt!" the girl huffed.

"Sor....sorry..." Spike shook his head. The throbbing was lessening and his eyesight was clearer. His vamp powers were already at work, helping to heal this horrid headache. But what about the chip... He picked the girl up and let her fall to the ground again.

"Hey! Ow! Whats the big idea?!" she shouted.

Nothing. Nothing at all. No zap, no pinch, no pain.

Spike chuckled. "What the... Cor? Could it be?"

"Okay, I really think you need some help. Other than the white hair, black nails bit. You're like psycho... That electric bolt really musta got you good..." the girl stood.

"Cor! The bloody electricity short-circuited it! The sodden chip is deactivated! I'm not a bloody poof wanker no more!" Spike cried out for joy.

"Okay..." the girl raised her brows.

The sun started peaking through the clouds. He didn't have much time. He needed to get moving. "Thanks for coming back," Spike told the girl. "I'm fine, go on home."

She shrugged, "You sure?”

He nodded, still wearing his silly little schoolboy grin.

“Okay then. Thanks again..." She didn’t wait this time, before taking off.

Spike bit his lip, subduing his smile long enough to think about this seriously. What was going to do now? He wanted so badly to run to the slayer and tell her his good news. But... good grief...she'd never trust him if she knew. She might even stake him! She believed all this time that it was just the sodding chip that kept him from killing her and her friends. He snorted, thinking of how she put it. A serial killer in prison. No… he couldn't go to Buffy. She'd think the 'big bad' was back and he'd be a ruthless murderer in her eyes again. For a brief moment, Spike thought about it. He COULD go back to killing people now if he wanted to. Not that he would. The slayer changed him too much. She was in his gut, in his heart. For her, he'd still harm no one, because he couldn’t stand to have to see that look on her face again, the one that told him he was the most disgusting dreg of the earth and defended no less than being squashed beneath the heel of a fashionable boot. He didn’t know if he’d be able to live with himself if she ever looked at him like that again. He laughed bitterly to himself. It had never been the bloody chip that turned him to the good side; it had been her. Hell, it was always about her. It was because he loved Buffy.

And she'd never feel the same. So he'd do what was best for them both. The situation tonight hadn’t changed anything. He was still going to follow his initial plan, because now, it seemed even MORE sensible than before. He needed to leave, to sort things out without Buffy or Nibblet, or the Scoobies’ influences. This had to be about him, his choice. He strode fast, back towards the DeSoto. In minutes the windows were covered in black, leaving the inside safe from the sunlight. He sat in the driver's seat, turning the engine. The radio blared in his ears and for a moment he sat.

What ravages of spirit
conjured this tempestuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

He knew Buffy's trust was in the chip and part of Spike feared what she may do now that the chip gone. A part of him was also afraid of himself, the raging killer he knew living inside of him that could burst out at any second if he wasn’t careful. And Spike knew he'd never purposely endanger Dawn or Buffy, not if he could help it. He put the car in drive and pulled out, tires screeching, from the lot.

And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize

He sped up his car, burning rubber down the streets of Sunnydale as fast as he could. Where he'd go now and what he'd do was a toss up. He needed to find someplace to stay till sunset though. He needed to escape and he didn't know what led him to believe leaving Sunnydale would make his feelings for Buffy, or the awful uncertainty that was his future, disappear.

That I don't know how
To let you go
I don't know how
To let you go

He'd never escape the love for the slayer. He'd never be able to let go of it. He'd never run from anything in his life, until now. He ran and he'd keep on running.

A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

The Sunnydale sign flew by as he left the town behind, and his heart.

~*~*~*~

Dawn sighed and turned on the clock radio on her table before plopping full length onto her bed and swiping ineffectually at a few tears that lingered on her face. She had felt bad about yelling at Buffy the moment she had slammed the door to her room, but damn it, if her sister would just see what the rest of the world already knew! She sniffed and pulled open her nightstand drawer, as the little radio played, pulling out a bundle of pictures from the side. Spike had hated taking pictures, but one flash of the puppy-dog face and he was hers to do as she pleased with. She’d begged the others to do her little photo session, because it was something she’d needed in lieu of Buffy’s death. It helped her forget the bad that her life was for a just a little while, and helped her remember everything her sister had sacrificed herself for. She’d invited Spike, even though the others had been against it back then, but she’d convinced them to let him come. She’d needed him to be there. And as always, he’d came. She had even gotten a picture of him flashing an exaggerated piece sign and his “blank, happy surfer” face. He had been making fun of the way Xander hammed up for the photos and she had turned it on him unrepentantly, capturing the moment forever. He had vehemently tried to get the film back, but she’d begged for him to let her keep it, on the basis that she would show no one once it had been developed.

Didn't they say that I would make a mistake
Didn't they say you were gonna be trouble
People told me you were too much to take
I couldn't see it, I didn't wanna know
I let you in, and you let me down
You messed me up and you turned my life around
You left me feeling I had nowhere to go
I was alone, how was I to know that

She smiled a bit as she began to flip through the thick stack of pictures. It had been something of a habit that she’d picked up after her sister had died. She had realized then, how short and precious life was, and strove to preserve every moment of it so one day, she could look back and smile when she remembered.

You'd be there, when I needed somebody
You'd be there, the only one who could help me

She wondered where he would go, if he would ever come back. She wondered if he would think about her out in the world by himself, and remember. He had a picture of them all, the Scoobies and him. She had given it to him and he had acted like it was an insignificant little thing that he’d never wanted in the first place, but she knew he kept it in his wallet. He’d never been able to hide anything from her. She had several rolls of pictures, of him and of the others. She feared they would be the only things she had of his, from now on.

Buffy knocked softly on the other side of the door, hearing her sister’s music and the occasional sniff, evidence of crying. Dawn had the tendency to switch on music when she was feeling any emotion of any kind strongly. She supposed it helped her cope. “Dawnie?” she called, her voice loud enough to be heard over the music.

Dawn didn’t answer, still too shocked at Buffy to want to see her. She knew her sister wouldn’t barge in on her unless there was danger, and she had learned long ago not to compromise a fifteen-year old’s privacy.

There was silence for a while, and Buffy just stood by the door, listening to loud the music, knowing that Dawn would let her in, eventually. They needed to talk, about her, about Spike.

I had a picture of you in my mind
Never knew it could be so wrong
Why'd it take me so long just to find
The friend that was there all along

Buffy sighed, blinking back more of her own tears. She had thought she’d cried herself out at the crypt, but apparently not. She wanted to blame it on Dawn’s stupid mind reading radio. Her fingertips brushed the door, and she wondered how often Spike had stood outside this very door while she herself had been gone, waiting Dawn out. She knew he must have done it, could see it in her mind’s eye. For every time he had tried to kill her, for every time that he had made her life miserable, it was nothing compared to every time he had made her mom laugh, saved her friends, or took care of her sister. She knew he had been there every step of the way during the hard times for Dawn. Willow had told her they were there for each other, because otherwise, they wouldn’t have made it. And now, she’d driven him away.

Who'd believe that after all we've been through
I'd be able to put my trust in you
Goes to show you can forgive and forget
Looking back I have no regrets ‘cause
You'd be there, when I needed somebody
You'd be there, the only one who could help me

I had a picture of you in my mind
Never knew it could be so wrong
Why'd it take me so long just to find?
The friend that was there all along

Dawn knew Buffy was still there, waiting, being silent and letting her gather herself. She knew they needed to talk, and she tried to remember that she was supposed to be angry with her sister for driving away the one thing she didn’t think would ever leave her. But all she could find herself to be was sad. A little lost. She wished he was here, hugging her in that awkward, but tender way he did, and murmuring in her ear, telling her it was all right. He could almost picture him there now, telling her to talk to big sis, because she needed to talk to somebody about what had happened. She could hear him telling her he’d be there for them soon; that he just needed a little time away. She heard him tell her he loved her, too.

You'd be there, when I needed somebody
You'd be there, the only one who could help me

Dawn sighed and turned down the radio a little, grabbing a Kleenex out of her box and wiping her face. “Come in,” she said, her voice thick. She coughed a little to clear it.

Buffy didn’t hesitate and slipped in through the door like a shadow. So many times Spike had done the same thing, Dawn mused. She sat on the edge of the girl’s bed and looked at her, eyes luminous in the dim light of Dawn’s beside lamp.

I had a picture of you in my mind
Never knew it could be so wrong
Why'd it take me so long just to find
The friend that was there all along

I had a picture of you in my mind
Never knew it could be so wrong
Why'd it take me so long just to find
The friend that was there all along

The slayer sighed and turned the radio off with a click after the song finished, and looked at her sister. “We need to talk about this.”

~*~*~*~

He drove in silence for 30 miles, alone with his thoughts on the open road. It did not bode well for other motorists. He growled and searched around for the tape Dawn had kept in here, some odd collection of music she had made when she told him his cassettes were lame. He was missing her and big sis already, and he thought maybe something of hers would ease the hurt a little.

We've been walking in the same situation
We've been walking down the lonely road
Try to find the world, what can I tell you
All my feelings that you just won't let go
And I don't know how, and I don't know why
But I can't stop now until I make you mine

“Oh god, not another boy band,” he muttered under his breath. To lazy to change it, he let it go. When Dawn played her music in his car, she’d bobbed her head along and more often than not sang along, though the poor girl really couldn’t sing a note. For some odd reason it had been beautiful to him anyway. He groaned to himself. This wasn’t helping any, thinking of her, and promises broken and failures, and abandoning her. Grabbing a beer, he vamped out and sunk his teeth into the top, before spitting the cap out the open window of the car. He supposed being a bloodsucker was good for something.

He nearly laughed aloud to himself, if his subconscious didn’t tell him laughing to oneself was weird. That had been the first time since he’d been changed that he wanted to be human again. He suddenly realized how much he wanted to walk in the sunlight with Buffy, maybe give her that family. Create some life amidst so much death. It was a silly notion, he knew, but he’d always had an incredible imagination when it came to his fantasies.

Can you imagine you and me
Falling in love so tenderly?
Can you imagine that we are one?
That we are one
Every moment goes by
I find another reason why
That you and I should be lost in love
Can you imagine girl?

Before it had just been Buffy loving him. Now, it was about giving her everything possible that could ever make her happy. He dreamed as he drove, picturing picnics in the park, little blond haired boys and girls running around screaming, laughing, crying, birthday parties and coming home after a long day at work. It should have been disgusting and outright disturbing. Since when had he wanted more than just love?

Every night goes as I lay here dreaming
I imagine that you are here with me
Have to wonder do share this feeling
Have you ever thought how we would be
If you have a doubt
I'll make it right
Cause I can't stop now until I make you mine

Snorting, he downed half of his beer. He’d always been ambitious, he supposed. Always wanted something different, something more than what he was supposed to have. He’d wanted things he wasn’t supposed to want, done things no vampire had ever done, just to say he’d did it. And maybe for something more. He never really thought about it, until now. He had just hated living inside some box or label someone else gave him. Boundaries were made to be broken.

I've been waiting for this perfect moment
I've been waiting I'm so lost
I gotta make you see that I need you here with me
In my arms is where you belong

He sighed. As much as he believed that, he knew that these particular boundaries were set in stone. But not in his imagination.

Can you imagine you and me
Falling in love so tenderly?
Can you imagine that we are one?
That we are one
Every moment goes by
I find another reason why
That you and I should be lost in love
Can you imagine girl?

The song ended, as did the flow of beer, and he tossed the empty bottle into the back, contemplating another one. He decided against it, because he needed a clear head if he was going to get into LA and find a hotel before he was to become a crispy critter. If he had been human, that wouldn’t have been a problem, he mused. Then he realized he was a stupid wanker and he needed to get past his Grandsire-esque fantasies and think logically if he was going to survive outside of comfortable old Sunnydale for a bit.

He also wondered vaguely about the chip, but didn’t dwell on it. It had become a part of him, a sort of referee if he were ever to need one. It couldn’t be gone, as far as he was concerned. Perhaps the demon had thrown it out of whack for a bit. Maybe because he hadn’t really intentionally hurt that girl very much, it hadn’t worked. He didn’t know. He didn’t want to find out, even though a large part of him knew he was swimming along the banks of denial. The thing was short-circuited to hell, and he was free to kill and maim and torture anyone he liked. He made a face.

When it came down to it, he knew he’d have to let Buffy know. Possibly, let her kill him. He would let her, open up his arms, close his eyes, and tell her he loved her when she plunged Mister Pointy in, good and proper. He knew it, she knew it, and everyone else knew it as well. If she had to kill him, if he ever became his true self, the monster, again, he’d let her kill him. He couldn’t risk hurting her, or Nibblet, or even the Scoobs, if his true nature started to show. He’d let her kill him. But he told himself that wasn’t an option right now. The girl he had saved had just fallen on her rump, of course. He hadn’t intended to hurt her. Well, maybe a little the second time, but it hadn’t been life threatening. The chip was still there…the chip was still there…

Oh God, he was babbling in his thoughts now. Like some dazed schoolgirl who had just had the captain of the football team wave at her in the hall. He was an absolutely pathetic, disgusting, pitiful example of a once high and mighty master vampire. He had to be honest with himself. The chip was gone. The chip was gone. The chip was gone.

~*~*~*~

Buffy woke up the next morning more tired than she had been when she went to sleep. It was an odd sensation, and she walked around in a nebulous cloud all morning. Dawn didn’t seem much better, but at least she had gotten her history homework done. Buffy realized in the middle of making her coffee that Spike had volunteered to help her with it. That had been sweet.

She packed Dawn’s lunch without really thinking, tossing in a banana, some cookies, a juice box, and a peanut-butter sandwich. Spike had packed Dawn’s lunches while Buffy had been gone, she remembered him saying peanut butter made his fangs stick. The comment had made both her and Dawn laugh.

“I’m going now Buffy. See you at the Magic Shop,” Dawn stated briskly, grabbing her sack and walking out the door.

She remembered Dawn doing that one-day after Spike had packed her lunch. It had been just after Buffy had gotten back, and he had still come, just because of the routine of it. Dawn had snatched the bag and headed for the door, but the vampire had yanked her back by her backpack and demanded that “she wasn’t going to bloody well leave after he’d gone through all that trouble without so much as a damn goodbye kiss.” It had been really cute. “Bye Dawn. Have a good day!” she stated, realizing it was a little too late. Today was not going to be a good day.

Their talk last night had been awkward. Buffy would never be, no matter how much practice she got, as good as her mother had been in talking with Dawn. She vaguely wondered if she’d ever be as good at dealing with her sister as Spike had. Dawn had apologized for yelling at Buffy the way she did, but under no uncertain terms, had said she was no longer angry with Buffy. She’d stated quite clearly that her sister had better realize what Spike meant to her and let him know, because he of all people deserved that much. Whether Buffy loved him as a friend or more was up to her. But he had deserved to have a definitive, completely honest answer. The moment he got back, she would have to deal with him. The ‘if he came back’ never quite made it into the conversation.

Dawn had also mentioned that she had to deal with Riley. Either take him back or make him go, because she couldn’t stand to see him get strung along by someone who obviously didn’t want him. It had been a short talk, kind of awkward, the answers short and to the point. It seemed surreal.

She jumped when the phone rang. Shaking herself to get over whatever her problem was, she headed over to the counter and picked it up off the wall. “Hello?”

“Buffy. Hi.”

“Riley?”

“Yeah. Um…I was wondering, if you wanted to go out for lunch today? I know I haven’t been here for a while, but Graham’s roommate says that there’s a great new French Café in town…”

“Um, sure,” she responded automatically.

“All right! I’ll pick you up at 11 then?”

“Kay.”

“Bye.”

She hung up the phone and headed back to the sink. She’d just agreed to have lunch with Riley. Something normal to an otherwise rather odd week. Spike wasn’t here anymore. Who would she patrol with tonight? Alone again? They fought well together. And she liked talking with him. She’d just agreed to have lunch with Riley. It seemed normal. Truthfully… it felt like nothing.

Part X
Interlude (LA)

“It’s a date then,” Riley said to himself happily, hanging up the phone in Graham’s apartment, where he was staying. He had decided this was a good time to remind Buffy that she and he could have sunshine together, and that Spike’s unhealthy obsession with her would wash away in time. He was a stubborn bastard, but he wouldn’t last. Not when he was here. Buffy and he had been together once, and maybe then, she hadn’t been ready to fall completely in love with him, but now, things were different. And he forgave her for everything she had done to drive them apart. He hoped she forgave him for the incident with the vampires. They could start over. She deserved a normal life, after all.

Perhaps in time, she’d be convinced that Spike needed to be staked. As a former government employee, Riley knew that anything the government did never really lasted forever. He just hoped that he’d get to be the one to do it. Maybe then, Buffy’s unhealthy obsession with the undead would finally be put to rest, and she could move on with her life. With him. He grinned at the thought and whistled to himself, heading over to his suitcase to find a suitable outfit.

~*~*~*~

Spike entered LA within record time. He pulled his DeSoto into a spot at the nearest manhole. He'd need to spend the daytime in the sewer until he could find a cheap hotel room willing to block the sun. He turned the car off, took his duffel bag, threw a heavy blanket over himself and ran for the manhole. He sizzled in the heat of day even under the thick wool blanket. He worked quickly, slipping into the manhole, dropping his bag at the end of the ladder. He tossed the blanket over his shoulder, hissing from his already scarred flesh as it grew hotter. He'd cool off soon enough. Ducking into the shadows, the blonde vampire and headed down the dark, dank sewer, away from the fatal sunshine.

After traveling down for some time, he found a cubbyhole big enough to rest in. He should've gone to Angel. The wanker would have put him up for the day, but then again, Spike didn't really want to deal with the grandsire-poof, no matter what he offered. Plus, there'd be questions and answers he wasn't in the mood to give Angel. Though the look on the Poofter’s face when he told him he was in love with Buffy might have been worth the beating that would undoubtedly follow. He could see the fireworks now.

He sunk into the small space, pulling the blanket around him for comfort. He set his duffel bag to the side and without thought, pulled out his picture of Buffy. He traced her lips, her eyes, her nose. God, she was so beautiful. So precious, so amazing. So... so out of his reach. He was so not good enough for her. But then, no one else he could think of seemed worthy, either. And at least, he knew the girl, both the girl, and the slayer. He knew they were one in the same. Like him. The man and the monster. If only she'd see past the monster and look at the man. If only she just recognized it as a part of him and loved him anyway.

He snorted, setting the picture down so he could light up. He inhaled the smoke, flicking some ashes to the ground and pulled the blanket up further. It was only wishful thinking. He was able to see past the slayer in Buffy only because of her love. Her love, for her friends, for life, for the world, it made him believe he was more than just monster, that deep down, even without a soul, there was a man in Spike. He'd believed it over time and he only wished she would as well. He thought she'd be the one to accept him for what he was and love him anyway, as Dawn did. After all, the slayer only wanted the same thing. To be loved for all she was, and even, all she wasn’t.

He leaned his head back, tossing the bud of the smoke across the sewer. He blew out the smoke after a minute and closed his eyes. His aches and pains that were more physical were making his body tired as it began to shut down and concentrate on healing. The emotional injuries were weighing him down. He took one last look at the picture of Buffy and closed his eyes tightly, eventually falling into a fitful sleep.

~*~*~*~

Buffy sat with Riley at the pretty little French cafe. They sat outside in the warm sun, much to Riley's liking. She stirred the straw in her drink, absently. Her eyes searched the streets, staring at people's faces.

Riley thought it a good idea to be sitting outside in the sun, as a reminder of his humanity. And hers. He watched her with impatience, studying her. She seemed to be in a totally different place, miles from here, and him. Her face was distraught and distracted, and she looked as if she hadn’t slept well. He sighed. Would she ever totally be his? Would he ever be able to make her think of him the way she thought about whatever was on her mind right now? "Buff?"

She didn't answer. Just kept staring, as if searching for someone. Even if she'd never find him in the sunlight. It was like she was in a trance. "Buffy?" He tried again, leaning down to look her in the eye.

"Mmmm…" she murmured.

"Buffy, is everything okay?" Riley asked, reaching across the table to grip her hand.

The touch jolted her back to reality and her eyes finally focused on his. "Huh?"

Riley frowned. "You're a million miles away, instead of here with me. What's going on Buffy? Is something going on?"

"Why do you say that?" Buffy asked.

"Buffy, I thought we could go out to lunch and talk. Work on us. All we've done so far is order and that’s it. I haven't heard a peep from you in over a half hour." Riley frowned. "If you didn't want to be here than why did you say yes?"

"It’s...it’s...not that..." she sighed. "I…" she couldn't tell him.

"What? What is it?" Riley urged. “Buffy, you can tell me.”

She tossed her napkin on the table after a minute. "Riley... this just isn't working..."

"What?" His heart sank.

"I'm just not in the mood today to be sitting here having lunch," she shook her head, full of excuses.

"Okay, so we'll leave, but not till you tell me what's got you so bothered, Buffy. I'm worried," he squeezed her hand in a show of support.

She sighed, a part of her still happy he cared about her at all. "It's really not something I feel comfortable talking to you about," she tried honesty.

"Oh come on, Buffy. You know you tell me anything!" Riley wasn't going to let her give in that easily.

She bit her lip and sighed. "Ok, fine. You win." she stared at him. “Spike left Sunnydale last night."

Riley wanted to scream for pure joy, but he kept it built inside. But he couldn't help but smile. "About time."

She pulled her hand away from his. Anger flashed in her eyes. "See, I told you I couldn't talk to you about this!"

"I'm sorry! I really am... its just I always expected that news to be happy news to you." he paused. "Look Buffy, I know he's your friend and he's supposedly done a lot to help you and Dawn out, but he IS a vampire. A vampire on reprieve because of the chip. You do know that if he ever got that chip removed he'd kill you, Dawn, and the Scoobies. Spike's like a dog on a leash..."

"A serial killer in prison," she snorted, wishing she could take those words away.

"Exactly." Riley smiled; glad she was taking his point of view. "This is for the best you know. At least you don't have to watch your back wondering if he's gonna turn on you."

"Spike wouldn't do that," she defended.

Riley chuckled, disbelieving his ears. "Are you serious?" He sighed.

What had this vamp done to make her accept him so much? "Buffy, are you talking about the same Spike as me. Tall, extremely blonde hair, black nails, leather duster, FANGS...."

"He's not all fangs and gruesome you know. He..." she gaped at what she almost said. She was going to say he had a heart. "He…he cares about us. He does."

"He can't Buffy. He's a vampire! He has no soul! He can't stand in the sunlight, he casts no reflection...he's a killer. A neutered one, but still..." Riley argued.

She wanted to believe him so badly, because it was what she told herself all the time about Spike. But Spike's actions were louder than words. The vamp was not all monster and she only wished she'd realized it sooner. "Spike's done a lot for us! He risked his life for us. He'd have died for us."

"When Buffy? When has Spike ever put his undead life on the line for you?" Riley was tired of being left in the dark. She felt her heart accelerate. It was time to let Riley know the truth.

~*~*~*~

Dawn slipped into the magic shop an hour early. She walked over to the Scoobies table and plopped down. "Hey." she muttered to the group.

"Dawnie? You're a little early? Something happen at school?" Willow saw the girl's dim expression.

"Naw, just skipped last period. I couldn't take it anymore," Dawn shrugged, opening her schoolbooks.

"How'd your history homework go?" Tara smiled. "Spike give you a lot of help?"

"No, Buffy helped me," she kept her eyes on her book.

"Dawnster!" Xander smiled, coming from the back room. His smiled died on his lips, seeing her sad face. "What’s with the pouty face, Dawnster?"

Willow frowned. "Spike and Buffy fighting again? Wouldn't she let him help you with your homework?"

Dawn's lower lip trembled with emotion. She didn't have the strength to answer.

Giles, and Anya gathered round the table, sensing something was up.

"Dawn, what’s wrong?" Willow brushed back a strand of the girl’s her long, brown hair.

Dawn's eyes filled with tears and she tried to blink them back, though a handful escaped and spilled down her cheeks. "Spike's gone!!!" she cried, burying her head in Willow's chest.

Willow gaped, pulling the traumatized girl into her embrace. Her friends wore the same shocked expression.

"Wha...What...what happened?" Xander's throat went dry. He'd grown fond of the bloodsucker.

"What do you mean he's gone?" Tara's voice was filled with sadness.

"Did...did Buffy??" Giles took his glasses off, starting his nervous cleaning habit.

Dawn cried, muffled from Willow's embrace. "He left Sunnydale. To let Buffy be happy with Riley. She chased him away! It's all her fault!" Dawn's cries grew.

"Sh..shhhh..." Willow soothed. She was in shock.

They'd all grown fond of Spike. Surprisingly as time wore on, they all found that they’d had traits in common with the vampire. He'd become a Scooby gang member in all their eyes. Well, all of them except for maybe Buffy. But she had been coming around!

Xander sat in his chair, feeling numb. He couldn't believe the vamp was gone.

~*~*~*~

Buffy caught him up on the info on Glory and Dawn he missed out on. "The night we battled Glory for Dawn's life..." Buffy started, her eyes darting all around. "We went as a team. The Scoobies, Spike and I." She paused, wondering what to say next. "I'd beaten Glory down, but this crazy man was determined to open the portals and he was about to cut Dawn. Willow and the others told me Spike went after the guy, tried to stop him. He was stabbed and throw from the 200ft drop." Buffy stopped letting that info sink in. She was wondering how to explain the next part.

"He managed to cut Dawn and it was too late by the time I got up there..." she continued.

"But then how did Dawn live?" Riley frowned, wishing he'd been there to help. He'd let her down. Not that Spike didn't let her down as well.

"I...I...threw myself into the portal and closed the dimensions," she answered.

Riley's eyes widened. "I thought you said only when the blood stopped flowing the dimensions closed?"

"It did." She sighed, nervously. "Riley, I died that night."

Riley nearly passed out. He stared at her, afraid even though she was sitting here with him. He was speechless.

"Spike risked everything for us, and he did try. I'll never forget that. I don't blame him for not stopping the guy. I know he did all he could."

"But...but Buffy..." He was in utter shock.

"The others told me he wept that night, and he's William the Bloody. Crying... over me...his enemy." Buffy tucked back a strand of hair. "Guess we're not enemies anymore. He took over my slaying; he helped Dawn everyday. He looked out for her and my friends. He...he cared for us all Riley..."

Riley was beyond stunned. "Buffy, how...how?"

"The Powers That Be came to me, a while after my death, and I can't remember much, it’s all blurry and fuzzy. They told me my death wasn't meant to be and I was still needed on earth. They brought me back." Buffy watched his face for his reaction. He looked positively stunned. "From that moment on, Spike and I have patrolled together as a team. He's done so much for me, and my friends and Dawn." she felt her eyes water. "I'll miss him."

Riley felt sick in his stomach. This couldn't be... It just couldn't.

"Buffy… tell me something..." She looked into his eyes. "Do you love Spike? Are you in love with him?" Riley asked, dreading the answer.

She blinked at him in surprise. “Why would you ask me that?” she questioned, trying to avoid the answer. She didn’t want to think about it right now. The fact that she’d even think about it instead of saying flat out, “no” on the first place was disturbing enough.

“Well, you two seemed to have grown really close lately, and I know he has some twisted obsession with you. I just wanted to know how you feel about him. And where I stand.”

She glared at him. “You’re jealous? You’re…you’re actually comparing yourself to Spike? Riley, what is this?”

His eyes hardened slightly. “Buffy, I deserve the truth, you know that. And with the way you’ve been acting, and how I’ve seen you two since I’ve gotten back, I’m starting to have my doubts. I want to hear it from you. What do you feel for Spike?”

She looked away from him. “I don’t believe this. Less than 24 hours back into my life and you’ve given yourself the right to barge in and ask questions on something you know nothing about?”

He looked hurt. “No, Buffy, I’m not forcing you to do anything except tell me the truth.” He stared into her eyes, his beseeching hers.

She turned away with him. He was right, he deserved to know if she did or didn’t. But so did Spike, and so did she. She needed to figure this out first, before she said anything that might come back to haunt her in the future. Looking at the tabletop a moment, she took a deep breath. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?!” Riley looked so disappointed. He was hoping for a definite no, some sign that she’d gotten over that thing with Angel, that sick, fascination with the undead community. “So you’re saying you…you might?” he asked, face crinkling before he could stop himself.

She wanted to be outraged at him. How dare he judge her? The reason they had broken up was because of his dalliances into the vampire underworld, not hers. But she couldn’t find a way to be angrier with him than she was at herself. She knew it was wrong to have feelings for something she was supposed to kill. But she couldn’t help it, not the first time, maybe not even now. She wanted to tell herself it was nothing, that her memory of Angel was fueling some weird yearning for Spike, though whether it was love or not remained to be seen. “I might. I don’t know,” she responded to Riley, automatically. She paused and looked at her glass of iced tea, the sunlight, and the people milling about around them. “Riley, I can’t do this. I need to go.”

Before he could stop her, she’d jumped the short fence surrounding the patio of the café and was halfway down the street. He cursed and crunched his napkin in hand. He would kill Spike if he ever saw him near Buffy or Dawn again.

~*~*~*~

That evening Spike had found a demon bar to hang out in, somewhere away from the human population. He didn’t want to deal with his humanity tonight. He wanted to drink, smoke, listen to some music, and brood by himself. Oh God, he wanted to brood now. He cursed Angel under his breath and knocked back his drink, empting the glass easily before alternating it with a sip of blood.

“Well hey there, blondie, haven’t seen you around before. You new in town?”

Spike was startled from his brooding about brooding when a smooth voice intercepted him, taking a seat on the bar beside his. He looked up to see a green demon with copper hair and red eyes. Wearing a bright orange suit that looked like it had leapt out of a 70’s disco movie. “Can I help you?” he asked, looking annoyed.

“I couldn’t help but feel a frustrated aura about you my friend. I can help.”

“Oh, so you’re going away, then?” Spike shot back.

“Whoa, feisty. Look handsome, I can read your aura for you, help you find your path, if you want me to.”

“How about I rip off your head and use it to decorate my car with? You know, like fuzzy dice?”

The demon took a step back. “Hey there, I don’t allow violence in my club, bub. I just thought you looked like you could use some guidance.”

“I know you don’t want violence. Caritas. Good name,” Spike commented. “As for guidance? Not interested.”

“If you do, drinks and blood are on the house,” the owner prompted, smiling largely.

Spike raised an eyebrow. “You want to tell my fortune then? And I get drinks…” he held up his liquor glass. “…and blood…” he held up the bottle of O positive he had ordered. “For free?”

“That’s the jist of it darling.”

“One more thing.”

“And what’s that?”

“You bloody lay off the pet names and I’ll consider,” Spike stated. He didn’t have a lot of money with him, and he figured if this lunatic club owner wanted to poke his mind a bit he’d let him, for free drinks. It wasn’t like he hadn’t let anyone poke his brain before. He grumbled about the commandos somewhere in his subconscious. “All right then. Say I’m interested. What do I have to do?”

“Well, um…your name again?”

“Spike.”

“Spike, all you have to do is…” the host motioned to the stage, where a Morha demon was belting out a hideous rendition of RESPECT.

Spike looked at the green demon incredulously. “You,” he pointed to the demon. “Want me… to sing?”

~*~*~*~

They’d ordered pizzas. Lots of pizzas. Cheese, pepperoni, Mushroom, Ham, supreme, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, breadsticks. Willow and Tara had brought ice cream. It was time to console with the consuming of the food. Giles had even opted to pay for it. Xander had gotten movies. They were all at the watcher’s house now, trying to cheer themselves up.

Anya realized she missed having her back and forth commentary’s with Spike during the movies. Though everyone told them to shut up, she knew they enjoyed listening to him. He was witty, for a vampire.

Dawn had taken in an unbelievable four slices on top of three scoops of ice cream. She was miserable. Buffy had gone on patrol after Dawn had given her the cold shoulder, more or less. They guessed she needed to kill something, to get her mind off of Spike. Everyone was sort of edgy that way, today.

“This movie sucks,” Dawn stated after they got five minutes into it.

“They’re still running the opening credits Dawnie, give it a chance,” Willow urged, trying to be sympathy girl.

“Like Buffy gave Spike a chance?”

“She was his…friend,” Xander put up in the Slayer’s defense.

“Was, is a good word,” Dawn replied, shoving another spoonful of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough in her mouth. Spike preferred Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup, she remembered.

They all looked up when there was a knock at Giles’ door. The watcher got up and set his tea aside before opening the door. “Buffy?”

“Um… I was sort of hoping you knew where she was,” Riley responded from the other side. Giles had kept the door opened to the bear minimum, but everyone had heard the voice. Dawn immediately exited the living room with her bowl of ice cream. Willow went after her to try and talk to her.

“Can I, come in? Or is this a bad time?” the soldier asked, sounding awkward.

“Um, yes, of course. Come in.” Giles opened the door.

Riley stepped over the threshold, rubbing his hands together. “So…what’s going on everyone? Party?” he asked, smiling big.

Xander smiled back, albeit nervously. “Yeah, just watching a movie. Gaining 20 pounds,” he explained, shoving a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth for emphasis. “Want some, Cap…er…Riley?”

Riley frowned a bit, hearing Xander’s slip. “Um, no, it’s okay. I just needed to talk to Buffy.”

“She’s patrolling,” Dawn said coldly, from behind the kitchen cabinets.

“She’s patrolling? Alone?” Riley was incredulous. “What if she needs help?”

“She did have help. Until Spike left,” Dawn replied as she washed her bowl.

“I better go find her… incase she needs me,” Riley excused himself awkwardly, feeling the ice in the room from Dawn’s presence alone.

“Since when did she ever need you?” Dawn responded, loud enough for him to hear, though he ignored it and continued out the door. When had she?

Part XI
Karaoke

Spike downed another 4 shots of whiskey. He’d agreed to sing for the free drinks and blood, but only if they threw in one of those onion flower things too. If he was gonna get up there and make a total wanker of himself, he was gonna at least be off his bird when he did.

"Well?" The Host pushed. "Are you gonna sing or do I need to charge you for the 12 shots of whiskey, and 3 glasses of O Pos you've killed?"

"Don't push me, 'm thinking about what I wanna sing," Spike shot back swaying slightly to his feet. After another minute of regaining his equilibrium, he sauntered over to the small stage. He took the giant step up to the platform a little faster than he perhaps, should have in his state, and nearly fell over. After regaining his completely buggered sense of balance, the inebriated vampire picked up an electric guitar he found laying near the karaoke machine and strummed it, figuring it was enough in tune that he wouldn’t be completely offensive. He slipped it around his body and wobbled to the microphone.

"Allo you demons and vamps..." He smiled, completely drunk. "I'm not one for a karaoke party..." he paused, swallowing one last shot. "But a bloke's gotta do what a bloke's gotta do..."

He strummed the guitar, and the karaoke machine behind him played along as well. Normally, he couldn't believe he'd do this, but he couldn't even think straight right now.

Shot through the heart, and you're to blame
Darling, you give love a bad name

An angel's smile is what you sell
You promised me heaven, then put me through hell
Chains of love got a hold on me,
When passion's a prison, you can't break free

You're a loaded gun, yeah

You're a loaded gun, there's nowhere to run
No one can save me, the damage is done

Shot through the heart and you're to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
You give love a bad name

You paint your smile on your lips
Blood red nails on your fingertips
A school-boy's dream, you act so shy,
Your very first kiss was your first kiss good-bye

You're a loaded gun, yeah

You're a loaded gun, there's nowhere to run
No one can save me, the damage is done

Shot through the heart and you're to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
You give love a bad name

Shot through the heart and you're to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
You give love a bad name

He finished strumming the last notes of the song, prancing all over the stage like a maniac and too knackered to even care. He truly looked like the stereotypical rock star with his leather duster, black fingernails, boots, and peroxide blonde hair. The crowd gaped at the vampire. He was without a doubt, drunk and out of his mind... but at least it was entertaining.

He took another drink, this time of blood and wiped at his mouth. "Tha’ wadn't so bad now was it??" Spike slurred, more to himself than the audience. "Ah well, one more song then, eh?" The crowd cheered their approval, raising their glasses towards the brightly lit little platform.

"Well then, what next?" Spike pondered allowed, not in his right mind at all. He grinned like a fool, strumming his guitar thoughtfully, once again.

~*~*~*~

Buffy staked another vampire with ease. "Ugh!" she growled, angry. The best way to release her frustrations was slaying, but right now she was slightly distracted. Normally when she was out slaying, even upset and fuming, it was with Spike. Then after a few good slays they'd sit and talk and he’d tell her what was what until she felt better. A lot of times it was about how frustrating raising Dawn was, or how hard taking care of her alone was. Spike always seemed to know the answers when it came to Dawn. And one thing she could count on from him was to always tell it like it is.

It was frustrating doing everything without him so suddenly. It bothered her further that she'd come to depend on him so much to help her with, well, with everything. At first, it had always been about killing something with Spike, or so she thought. It'd probably become just about helping her with her problems along the way. As it had been with helping her with Glory, and Dawn and...oh God... even with Riley. Another vamp jumped out and she turned it to dust with a flick of her wrist, not even really looking at it.

She sighed, sitting on a tombstone and tucking her legs under herself. "God, Spike... When did you become so good?" she asked herself, pausing to brush back her hair. "And why hadn't I noticed the change in you? I noticed you helping me, I noticed you taking care of Dawn, I noticed you thought you were in love with me and I thought it was sick and perverted." She looked up to the stars. "Now, I honestly don't know what to think of it..." She hid her face in the shadows, afraid of her own admissions. "Or of how I feel about you."

Her mind went back to this afternoon with Riley and his question.

"Do you love Spike? Are you in love with Spike?"

She’d toyed with the question all day long, trying to figure it out, to figure Spike out. She'd never come to a resolution with the man gone though. The man… not the monster. She was utterly confused, her mind whirling on possibility after possibility. She played with Mr. Pointy absently as her thoughts wandered onto this already well-worn path in her head. There were so many cons against Spike. The whole vampire bit. The sunlight thing, and crosses and churches and the chip. The bad ass attitude... Okay no, that was a good thing. She smirked to herself a little. So were the accent, and the duster.

The black clothes she was used to. But the eyes... oh the eyes were such a pro... And the purring... oh God!! What was she doing to herself? She made a self-loathing expression and tried to stop thinking such unconstructive thoughts.

She'd once said to Willow that the bad boy thing basically turned her on, unhealthy as it was. But Spike was more than a bad ass... He was the walking, talking definition of the term. And on top of it all, a vamp. He was immortal. And when she thought about it, that had been the very reason she’d had to break up with Angel so long ago. Because of the whole no kids, no sunlight, no happy normal life...the whole growing old while he stayed young thing...

Was that really her reason though? Or was it the fear of Angelus? The whole not choosing his own path thing as Spike had... At least Angel wanted a soul. Spike wanted no part of that. But then, that’s what made Spike who he was. He was himself and that’s what Buffy lov...no...liked about him best. Was it love though? Was it infatuation, or just friendship?

"Buffy!!!"

"Spike?!" Her head shot up at the sound of her name.

Riley jogged over to her, his heart breaking when he heard her response. "No. Just me."

"Oh. Hi..." She avoided his gaze and pushed herself off of the gravestone.

"Buffy, I came to talk." he stated. "And I want you to listen."

She immediately met his eyes, glaring up at the commanding tone he took with her. She raised her brows. He had a serious look on his face, and when she looked hard, a frown that rivaled Angel’s in its brood-worthiness.

"Look, I really didn’t want it to come to this, but I feel like I’ve gotta say this. It’s time to stop denying and running from me, Buffy. Do we have a future together or not? Is it Spike, or me?" He asked her in a strained voice, before he lost the courage. "Tell me the truth."

~*~*~*~

Spike had done 4 songs now and he was so drunk, he could barely stand. "Okay kiddies..." he chuckled dazedly. "How bout one more?" The crowd had thinned, as they all grew tired of the lovesick vampire who refused to relinquish the stage. They groaned as he started belting out another song in his thickly accented, alcohol-laden voice.

It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face
You were content to let me shine, that's your way
You always walked a step behind

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength
A beautiful face without a name for so long
A beautiful smile to hide the pain

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings

The owner ran up pulling the drunken vamp off the stage.

"Wait you wanker!!!" Spike whined, making a feeble grab for the microphone that was now out of his reach. "I wasn't finished you bloke!! Can't you hear me?!!"

"You're killing my customers. No violence, remember?" the demon chuckled, hustling Spike back towards the bar. .

"I am not! Are you bloody blind? I'm heartbroken!" the vampire complained, still reaching for the mic mightily. He whined once he realized it was futile. "That was gonna be our first dance at our weddin’!!!!" Spike cried out into the audience.

The crowd laughed, unsympathetic to his plight.

Spike frowned miserably, resting his drunken head on the owner’s shoulder. "Bloody hell..."

The host dragged him to the back of the bar, taking him in a back room and dunking his head in cold water.

Spike shot up, game face on and growling. "Hooooly Shiiit!!! That’s blooody coollddd you poof!"

"But it'll sober you up enough to hear what I have to say, gorgeous. And it’s time to have your aura read. Trust me sweet cheeks, you’ll want to be awake for this." The owner sat Spike down gently.

"What if I'm not bloody well ready?" Spike wiggled his head, poking the demon in the chest defiantly.

"Spike, if you don't leave LA now, you'll lose her forever." The owner stared him down, all pretense gone.

Spike went silent and still. He stared into the owner's eyes and he was scared.

~*~*~*~

“Riley, why are you here?” Buffy asked, avoiding the question.

He looked frustrated. “Because I was worried about you all by yourself out here.”

She grew annoyed with every sentence that came out of his mouth. “So you came out here so I’d have SOMEONE to worry about as well?” she asked, glaring. She turned around and started walking.

“Buffy! C’mon…” He put his hand on her shoulder. “Why are you avoiding the question?”

“Because I’m on patrol. I need to concentrate,” Buffy replied, trying not to sound as lame as the excuse itself was.

He deflated a little. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t distract you, did I?”

“Yes! You did. I could have gotten killed,” she replied.

“Geez, I’m sorry!” he responded, putting his hands up in front of his chest as a sign of surrender. “I just thought, you could use some help.”

“It’s all right Riley, I have it covered,” she responded, trying to keep civil with him. She just wanted to kill something quickly and violently, was that too much to ask? Did she not deserve some reprieve from the soap opera that was her life?

“If you have it covered, why do you always patrol with Spike?” he growled, getting annoyed as well.

“Because he can take care of himself!” Buffy shot back.

Hurt flashed over the ex-commando’s face. “Buffy, I can take care…”

She sighed. “Yeah, I know you can. Most of the time. But I can’t deal with anything right now, okay? I’m just, slaying. Slaying is me right now. That’s all.”

“You don’t mean that,” Riley responded. “I mean, I saw you and him fighting the other night together…”

She whirled on him. “That was you watching us? You were spying on me?”

“No! No! I was just, looking on, incase you needed help.”

“Which I obviously didn’t.” She turned back around and kept walking, briskly.

“Obviously,” he noted. “Now will you stop avoiding the question?” he lengthened his stride to catch up with her.

“I’m not avoiding anything,” she stated, speeding up again.

“Then why are you practically running from me?” he asked, speeding again until he was alongside her.

She looked at him. “Riley, I’m slaying right now.”

“I don’t see any vampires.”

“Well maybe because you don’t have super powers, like me.”

His eyes narrowed. “Or Spike.”

She groaned. She’d walked into that one. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Okay, say it wasn’t. You still haven’t answered me. And be honest, Buffy, because it’s not fair to either of us if you keep going on like this.”

She stopped walking abruptly. “You’re right,” she sighed. Who would she choose? “I, well, I think that it’d be best if…”

Suddenly, Riley grunted and pitched over backwards as a dark form leapt out and attacked him. “Oh see!? I told you we had to concentrate!” Buffy remarked, poising her stake before tossing the ravenous fledgling vampire off of Riley before it ripped his throat out.

~*~*~*~

“What do you mean lose her?” Spike muttered, shaking his groggy, alcohol clouded head. “I never had her in the first place, mate,” he growled bitterly, sipping at his warm cup of blood.

Lorne sighed and shook his green head. “Did you ever ask her that?”

“What, asked if she loved me?” Spike snorted.

The host nodded.

Spike sighed. “Not in so many words, but, I got the point, all right? She and I, we never could have happened.”

Lorne looked at the lovesick vampire sadly. “You really believe that?”

William’s laugh was bitter. “Yeah, me’n the slayer, that’s a real fairy tale, mate. The princess never falls for the villain. We’ve got the whole bloody damn world against us, she and I. It would never happen.”

“Because you’re a vampire?”

“Because I’m a monster.” Spike looked through his glass of blood, further proof of his belief.

The host patted him on the back. “You’re a vampire.”

“Exactly.”

“But I don’t think you’re a monster.”

Spike looked up at him. “Shows you what you know.”

“Hey blue eyes, I’ve seen some real bad things, and whether you like it or not, I don’t think you’re one of them. Look pal, you have to get back to her, and I mean tonight. She needs you, whether you think so or not. But I guess I can only tell you so much. From here on out, it’s up to you.”

Spike looked at him and knocked back the rest of his blood, trying not to let his concern show. He eyed Lorne out of the corner of his eye. “Thanks for the fortune telling mate, but I’m out for the night.” He got up and started towards the exit.

The host smiled after him knowingly. That was a good vampire.

Spike climbed the stairs to the street where the club exited, and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it. He heard a noise behind him, but he gave no indication that he knew what it was. It seemed LA hadn’t changed much since the last time he’d been here. He puffed on his smoke languidly, stuffing his hands in his duster pockets, looking loose and defenseless. The vampire began to walk along the sidewalk nonchalantly, noting that the street was empty. That was usually the case in areas with high demon activity. The humans stayed away after dark. He tested the air around him, using all of his heightened senses to filter out what was happening. Four, five things. Not human, definitely. He could only imagine what they wanted. He didn’t have enough money on him to be much of a target, and he was certain they knew a well-aged vampire when they knew one. Well, it seemed his reputation preceded him. Word had spread from Sunnydale, then?

He stopped his walk and threw his cigarette butt down after he’d had enough. “If you’d just up’n tell me what you blokes would like, It’d probably piss me off a lot less,” he announced into the night air, his voice loud and clear despite the alcohol he’d consumed. Nothing like a good fight to sober one up quickly.

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