Part V
One Good Dance

They entered the Bronze, and Spike’s gaze automatically landed on Dawn, who had stood, worrying, as she tried to pretend she was listening to Xander’s great pool tips. She knew he always lost to Spike, anyway. When she saw her guardian vampire still there, and more importantly, still in one piece and unharmed, the tension left her. He smiled reassuringly at her from across the club, and bade her go back to the game with a nod of her head in Xander’s direction.

Riley walked straight up to them, eyes shining with worry, ready to pummel Spike if need be. “Buffy? Are you okay? What happened?”

“I just…” she looked at Spike. “I had to talk to a friend.”

“Oh.” Riley bit back the comment he had about Spike’s status friendship. “Is everything okay?” He put his hands on her shoulders, and the vampire had to bite back, literally, his growl.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “We’re going to dance now,” she added quietly, not meeting Finn’s eyes.

“Okay.” Riley thought she meant him obviously, and moved to take her hand. But when she slipped by him, the fabric of Spike’s coat clutched in her fingers, he realized who she was talking about. “Oh.” He physically restrained himself from going after them. They were friends. She could dance with her friends. He would let her have that. But if that damned blood sucker touched his woman…

They reached the floor and she stopped walking, turning to face him nervously. He didn’t know what to do as the song started, it was slower than she might have liked, he supposed. He put his hands on her waist and held her at arms length, taking the first move so that she didn’t have to. Grateful for his actions, she relaxed a little and rested her arms on top of his, clutching his forearm lightly.

If I die tonight
I’d go with no regrets
If it’s in your arms
I know that I was blessed
And if your eyes
Are the last thing that I see
Then I know the beauty heaven holds for me

They swayed to the music slowly, never looking at each other. He looked past her shoulder, eyes not really focused on any point. He concentrated on the feel of her body and the warmth and smell of her.

But if I make it through
If I live to see the day
If I’m with you
I know just what to say
The truth be told
Girl you take my breath away
Every minute, every hour, every day

He feared that if he ever looked into her eyes, he wouldn’t be able to look away. He would break down at the thought of not having more than her friendship. He would be trapped there, staring and gawking and loving her but no closer than arms length. It would be as close as he could ever get. Her friendship was all she would ever give. And he had to accept that. Despite what he felt, the electricity between them, he wouldn’t hurt her by forcing her to accept more than friendship. She would never love the beast, anyway. So he just danced with her. He pretended that that was all it was. Just one dance.

Cause every moment
We share together
Is even better
Than the moment before
If every day was,
As good as today was
Then I can’t wait til
Tomorrow comes

A moment in time
Is all that’s given you and me
Moments in time
And it’s something you should seize
So I won’t make
The mistake of letting go
Every day you’re here
I’m gonna let you know

That every moment
We share together
Is even better
Than the moment before
And if every day was
As good as today was
Then I can’t wait til
Tomorrow comes

She didn’t realize how close they had gotten until he heard his murmur low in his throat, right at her ear. Instead of being startled by his closeness, she wondered why he made that sound, like a lion purring. She rested her head against the crook of her neck, arms wrapped around his throat. He rumbled when he made that noise deep in his chest. She wondered if he even knew he was doing it. She rather enjoyed it, she realized. The way it tickled something inside her. Unconsciously, she pushed closer to him, wanting to hear it reverberate in all of its fascinating glory. It got louder as she grew closer, and she felt his arms tighten around her waist, meeting at the small of her back.

Each morning
That I get up
I love more than ever
So girl I’d never go away
Never stray

So every moment
We share together
Is even better
Than the moment before
If every day was
As good as today was
I can’t wait til
Tomorrow comes

Every moment
We share together
Is even better
Than the moment before
And if every day was
As good as today was
I can’t will til
Tomorrow comes

I love the moments
Moment we share together
Every Moment
I love every moment
I pray they last forever
I love the moment
Moments we share together
I love the moments
I pray they last forever more

She danced with him as if in a haze, the parts of her brain that should have told her they were too close, and that she was too comfortable were far away. She didn’t realize what she was doing, because if she did, she would have pulled away. Because it was wrong.

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

For now, there was just the music. There was the strange purring noise in his chest, the smell of smoke and leather and spice that lingered on him and was, uniquely him/ And there was her, dancing with him now. This was her moment separated from the world, her dance behind the curtain. This was her moment with Spike, where she was just a girl, and he was just, a man.

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
'Cause it's not my fault
I know I've been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Spike was drowning. He was surrounded, the smell of her, the feel of her, she was everywhere. It made him ache, in his un-beating, long dead, cold, monster’s heart. She was here, with him in his arms, and he couldn’t really touch her. He supposed that was all that mattered in the long run though. She was here.

Once you've found that lover
You're homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But Love is all around

He tried to concentrate on the song, tried to cut off that ridiculous noise he was making in his throat at her closeness. Would she realize what she was doing to him? Torturing him in the sweetest way, by letting him be so close? Did she even know? Would she suddenly realize, and shove him away, her eyes shouting “monster!” to the world? He almost waited for it. But when she pushed closer against him, he realized maybe, he would have his moment in the sun, tonight. His arms tightened around her. Maybe tonight, he could be more than a monster.

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doin' all I can
To be a better man

As the song ended, neither of them stopped swaying slowly. It was as if they were in their own world and nothing and no one existed around them. Their music never stopped. Spike buried his head into her sweet hair, sniffing the warm vanilla scent. He grinned, knowing the familiar smell of her.

He was almost afraid that he was waking up, just as he was getting closer to heaven, but if tonight would be his only night to be given such a gift, he was going to do what he'd always done with the woman in his arms...take it one step further. He closed his eyes, turning his head in lower. It was buried deep within her pulsing neck. He felt her veins throbbing, the heat from her body was just radiating off her skin. His nose was tucked in the warm vanilla scent of her silky hair. His senses were beginning to go into overdrive and he couldn't control the purring any longer. He murmured, purring her name softly, like a lion cub gently purred. "Buffy...."

It was so intoxicating. She couldn't get enough of the rumble in his throat, how it tickled her and reverberated into the very innermost depths of her person. Her eyes fluttered close and her warm body swayed into his cool muscular one. She let him rest his chin on her shoulder, his head buried in the burrow of her neck. She felt herself pressing her cheek against his head. She no longer was in control of herself. Something inside her was using her like a marionette. And she enjoyed every minute of it.

I don't know how
I don't know why
But girl it seems
You've touched my life
You're in my dreams
You're in my heart
I'm not myself
When we're apart

He wanted so bad to kiss her. His entire being ached, but he knew it was too soon. No matter how much he pushed the girl into things, he'd never rush her into something that just could possibly send her running away from him forever. He did run his cool lips across her neck, sending waves of radiating heat into him. God, for once, he was warm inside. Perhaps that’s what drove him to purr and whimper like the lovesick puppy he'd become.

Something strange has come over me
A raging wind across my seas
And girl you know your eyes are to blame
What am I supposed to do
If I can't get over you
I've come to find that you don't feel the same

She smiled so deeply, so contently. His arms around her felt so comforting and safe. She felt like a totally different person. She felt like...like...she was complete. She felt as if she was finally Buffy Anne Summers. She felt herself snuggling into Spike's embrace and her body felt electric currents running through her at the feel of his cool lips on her hot skin. She heard the rumbling in his chest increase dramatically, and the sheer eroticism of the noise caused her to whimper softly in the back of her throat.

He heard her moan and it drove him insane. He wanted to caress her everywhere, to kiss her, to do things he wasn't allowed to do with her. He wanted her to fill his cold world with warmth.

Cuz 'm fallin...fallin...
Girl I'm fallin for you
And I pray you're fallin too
I've been fallin...fallin
Ever since the moment I laid eyes on you
Fallin...fallin...fallin...
When I laid eyes on you
Fallin...falling..fallin
Yeah

He suddenly felt unsure and afraid, like this was some surreal fantasy he had drunk himself into, and that in actuality, he was still on the floor of his crypt, miserable and too drunk to walk. He slipped his head up, pulling back slightly so he could look at her.. He examined her small frame wrapped in his. There she was, eyes shut so tight, body so warm and wrapped around his, a smile dancing on her lips. And much to his delight, re realized he was completely lucid, and this, this was very, very real. This was his moment. This was his salvation, his one chance at reaching skyward, and he'd live a hundred more years with this memory forever emblazoned in his mind.

She opened her eyes, looking up into the swirling blue eyes penetrating her. His smile was totally infectious and she felt hers grow. For a moment, she saw a flicker in his eyes. In that flicker was love, innocence, respect, tenderness, honesty, sadness, and just raw beauty. She tilted her head, examining his features. Inside that soulless undead body was a heart. Something she thought vampires could never possess, even soulful ones. But she saw his briefly. It was there, bare and naked to her eyes, for just a moment. She felt part of her fixed resolve to hate him always, deteriorate.

She realized she wanted to kiss him. It scared her at first, but her body was not her own tonight, her soul and heart had taken premise. Her voice was trembling as she whispered his name. "Spike..." For she was beyond shocked to feel the emotions that coursed through her. She never thought a vampire could give off so much heat, so much...life. Hs eyes showed her tonight that being a monster didn't make you who you were. It was your heart who made you who you were. It was terribly frightening to Buffy to take in, though she told herself she always should have known it. However, she didn’t want to admit it in its entirety, because if this was the case, how could she ever explain what happened with Angelus? But, her heart wouldn't let her go off into that heated debate right now, and she let herself become fixated to Spike's eyes and arms. She wasn't ready to leave. She wasn't sure she ever wanted to.

I lose my step
I lose my ground
I lose myself
When you're around
I'm holding on
For my life
To keep from drowning in your eyes

Girl what have you done to me
To make me fall so desperately
To think that I don't even know your name
No, no
How am I supposed to live
If I can't get over this
If you decide that you don't feel the same

He cradled her in his arms, close, but not too close that he couldn't look into her beautiful eyes. He couldn't find a name for the feelings he suddenly felt. He looked in her eyes and there was so much written in them, he was afraid she was seeing right through him and looking at someone else. She couldn't possibly be looking at Spike with admiration and content, with trust and....love????? He reached up, cupping her cheek. He brushed her soft skin with the pads of his fingertips. He brushed them so gently across her cheekbone down the base of her neck, like she was made of fine china. He leaned in, forehead against hers. He took a breath; he had to. He was suffocating in her smoldering eyes. He breathed on her lips, tickling them.

"Buffy...luv...can I please kiss you?" His voice was raw, pained, like he had trekked across the desert to the gates of oasis and had to wait for admittance.

Her eyes fluttered and closed as she leaned in, with a minute motion as her answer. She pressed her hands on his leathered back, pulling him even closer. She could feel the coolness of his lips close by, and sense his unneeded shuttering, labored breath. The quivering anticipation nearly destroyed her, right then and there. She was going to drown in him.

Cuz 'm fallin...fallin...
Girl 'm falling for you
And I pray you're falling too
I've been fallin...fallin..
Fallin...

Suddenly, it all came crashing down. Unfortunately it wasn't his lips upon hers, but hands gripping his shoulders pulling him away. He growled in pain, as if someone had poured holy water on his very heart.

"No way Spike! Get your cold, dead, rotten hands off her!" Riley growled, pushing him away.

Buffy's eyes flew open and her heart dropped, and suddenly she was aware of everything. It was as if time had stopped and now it was all rushing back to catch up. It felt almost as if an enchantment between them had been broken, like when Willow had put a spell on her and Spike before. But this time, it wasn't a spell for magic, it was just a real, live tender moment and the magical spell between them was shattered. She looked around the Bronze, and her eyes fell on Spike and Riley.

Spike was thrown bodily to the side by Finn, and stood there, looking at loss. He stared at Buffy, hoping to see what he saw moments ago, and not anger. But, unfortunately the fires in her eyes kicked in and she was fuming.

Xander and Dawn were rooted to their spots in shock. Neither one of them wanted to get killed, so they stayed out of it.

Tara, Anya and Willow had been watching the scene unfold from their table. They tried to stop Riley from interrupting the tender moment. Willow was angered. Spike really had grown on her and she was hoping Buffy felt the same. It looked as if she did, until Riley went and ruined it.

She didn't know what to say or do. For once, the slayer stood, angry as all hell and didn't know what to do. She glared at Riley with daggers in her eyes. Her eyes fell on Spike again and there was some anger there too, but her feelings from before still lingered deep inside and she turned her aggressions away from the vamp. He looked as if his whole world had been taken from him...little did she know, that was exactly what it had felt like.

Spike wanted to kill Riley Finn right now, more than he had ever before, for taking his one sweet moment with Buffy away from him. But, he knew Buffy would never forgive him for harming the blooded ponce if he did. Not that the sodding chip in his head would let him, either. He just stood, hidden in the corner, surrounded by shadows like a peripheral specter.

Riley began walking to Spike. He was gonna beat the vamp to a pulp and then stake him. Buffy stalked up to Riley, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. "How dare you Riley! Just who do you think you are?!"

Riley was shocked by her aggression towards him. "But Buffy, he was all over you like white on rice! He was trying to seduce you!"

Buffy knew damn well Spike was all over her and she let a feverish part of her let him do whatever he wanted, and that was her own fault. That was something to deal with later. "Look Riley, I'm a big girl and can handle myself. Spike and I were just dancing!"

"C'mon Buff! If he got any closer to you he'd practically be on top of you! For God sakes it looked like you two were going at it on the middle of the dance floor!" Riley argued.

Buffy slapped him, not thinking at all, just reacting. "How dare you! You're not my boyfriend Riley Finn, and I don't know if I ever want you to be my boyfriend again, but damn it if you wanna try, stop trying to run my life! I don't need your protection! I can handle myself!" Buffy fumed. She hated when people crawled all over her like she was a helpless child who constantly needed to hold someone's hand. "If you want another chance Riley, you better stop acting this way, cuz if you ever EVER hurt Spike, I'll kill you myself..." Riley was taken aback by her statement, and his expressive face told her just so.

Spike frowned. She just pitied him so. The neutered vamp who couldn't handle himself. He was a bloody fool for showing her so much of him tonight. She'd never love the monster inside him.

"Do you hear me?!" Buffy growled.

"Yes," Riley frowned, nodding. "You're right, 'm sorry..."

"Spike is my friend, and either learn to like it or leave," Buffy ordered.

There was that dreaded word again...friend.

He nodded. He stared at her for a moment, before storming off to the bar.

Buffy walked over to Spike, holding out her hand with a displeased, tight grin. "You okay?"

"Just peachy, ducks," he stepped out of the shadows, afraid to touch her. He was still on a high from their dance. He was afraid to feel the loathing and hatred for him in her touch again. "Are you okay?"

She nodded forcefully. "Yeah." Her mind wrapped around the concept of what had happened. Had Spike kissed her, she would've never stopped him. She had been lost in his ocean eyes and she would never have returned. She would've melted on his lips. Her heart ached to wonder what it would've been like, but she knew now that it was best she didn't kiss him. Sadly, a part of her was thankful Riley interrupted. But the other part was still angry that he thought he could control her.

"I...I...I'm sorr..." he stuttered.

"Shhh...don't say anything you don't mean Spike," her eyes sparkled again. And there she was, once again, his Buffy. Eyes bright and beautiful, heart and soul sending his body to the flames. He stared at her, unknowing what to say.

Then, as if a mask had been slipped over her, she was gone. "Think Xander and Dawnie are waiting for you..." she urged, nodding towards the pool tables.

Will you stay or will you go
Heaven
Heaven knows what my future holds
Questions
Questions linger on my mind
Daybreak
From daybreak to dark of night
'M fallin
I dont know whats come over me
Can't you see

I'm fallin...fallin..
Girl 'm fallin for you
And I pray you're fallin too
Yeah...yeah..
Fallin...Falling
Ever since the moment I laid eyes on you
Ooohhh
'M falling

"Yeah..." Spike nodded, as if nothing had mattered. His heart tightened as the song ended. He'd fallen for Buffy again tonight. Only problem was, he thought, was she only loathed and felt sorry for him. He felt the demon in him raging to get out. "Guess 'll be getting back to them..." he pulled out his cigarettes. "See you later, slayer."

She winced at his tone. It was like he'd been a different person before and now it was back to being the 'Big Bad'. "Right..." she whispered, her heart at a loss for words.

Part VI
Green Eyed Soldier

Riley fumed over by the bar; ordering a beer before plopping down on a stool, his head in his hands. What had gone on since he left? He knew Buffy had said she and Spike were only friends, but God, the way they danced. There was something disturbingly intimate about it. The way his arms held her, the tilt of his head against her cheek. It was in the way her arms clasped around his neck, and she rested her cheek against the column of his throat. They fit together perfectly when they danced, and if he hadn’t have stopped them, they would still be out there, pressed against each other with such disgusting familiarity. He touched his cheek gingerly, where her hand had landed. It still stung. Music floated down to him from around the club, and ignoring it, he decided Buffy hitting him was worth the embarrassment and the pain if he had kept that vile monster away from his golden, perfect girl.

Tell me one sweet lie
Tell me our loves just fine
And everything will be all right
Say you’re not gonna leave
That you still love me
And we’ll start all over tonight
That look is in your eye
And all I can hear, is the sound of goodbye

How dare that animal touch her like that! He growled and slammed back a mouthful of beer, whirling in his bar stool. Buffy was sitting at the table, still looking slightly cross, talking with Anya, Willow and Tara. How was it that when Spike had touched her, she looked to be in complete peace with herself and everyone around her? Yet the moment Riley had intervened, that angry, worried, guarded look had returned to her face?

You’re gone
No two ways about it
Though you stand in front of me
It’s real easy to see
That you’re gone
And it’s time to face the truth
That my world just fell apart
And I don’t know what to do
You’re gone

He glared towards the pool tables where Spike had his arms around Dawn, teaching her where to angle the shot against the cue ball. The vampire growled in annoyance as Dawn slipped, and she and Xander both giggled. What had happened while he was gone? Xander and Spike had bonded? How? Why? Xander had been the most vehement advocate against vampires becoming equal members of the working community that Riley had ever known. But there they were, drinking beer, playing pool, laughing. And Dawn… Dawn had used to like Riley, he remembered. They were okay with one another. He had bought her ice cream. But seeing her with Spike, the ex-commando could tell she was absolutely smitten with him, and he with her. Bitterly, he decided Spike could have Dawn, as long as he stayed away from Buffy. Then he realized what a horrible thought that was to have. Wasn’t it true though? They could do whatever they wanted with Dawn if she wouldn’t have him as a friend. Let Spike take her. And Xander too, since they’d obviously become so chummy. When Xander made a joke and Spike actually laughed, genuinely, and offered to buy the ‘whelp’ a beer, Riley couldn’t take it anymore. He slammed a five onto the bar and walked over towards Buffy.

I could turn my head
Forget what we said
All the words that cut like a knife
Whether you go or stay
You’re gone either way
And I’ll love you the rest of my life
I can tell your mind is set
And the words you didn’t say,
I will never forget

You’re gone
No two ways about it
Though you stand in front of me
It’s real easy to see
That you’re gone
And it’s time to face the truth
That my world just fell apart
And I don’t know what to do
You’re gone

Everyone looked up at him, and all conversation at the table stopped. Willow actually snapped her jaw shut, cutting of whatever she had been going to say while Tara just looked at him a second, then back to the table top. Anya regarded him with her head at a funny angle, and he felt like he was being dissected, complete with scalpels and probes, under her gaze. Buffy just stared him straight in the eye. He lost some of his nerve under her gaze, and tried to deflate then tension. “I’m leaving. Do you want to come?”

I’ll never give in or believe it
And I know one day I’ll win you back
And you’ll love me just like I love you
Right now it’s a matter of fact

She was amazed that he had asked her that. Here she was expecting the Cap’n to pick her up, sling her over the shoulder, grunt, and say “Want go home now. Go home now?” but instead, he had asked. Oh God. She suddenly realized she had used Spike’s nickname for him. She rapidly shook her head. “No… um, we’re gonna hang out a little more.”

“Okay,” he nodded, hiding the hurt that flashed in his eyes and walked away, making his way slowly towards the door.

You’re gone
No two ways about it
Though you stand in front of me
It’s real easy to see
That you’re gone
And it’s time to face the truth
That my world just fell apart
And I don’t know what to do
You’re gone

Buffy watched him go with a frown. He still wanted to be her big protector, her all important manly man. Sighing, she sipped her coke and turned back to Willow. “You were saying?”

Willow paused. “I was going to say…what are you going to do about Riley?”

Buffy almost retorted indignantly, but realized her friend only had her best interests in mind. She wouldn’t make the same mistake she had made last night. “I don’t know. I’ve been trying not to think about it,” Buffy admitted.

“Isn’t that…sort of…I don’t know…sort of a sign?” Tara offered shyly.

Buffy smiled to reassure her. “Maybe. I don’t know. It’s complicated. I mean, I screwed up last time.”

Willow’s nose scrunched indignantly. “You screwed up? What happened to his suck off fest with the skanky vamps?”

Buffy’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Suck off, Will? A new phrase for Willow’s collection of phrases?”

The witch shrugged. “Been hanging around Spike too long, I guess. But, really. You can’t possibly blame yourself for what Riley did.”

“I made it seem like I didn’t need him. He needs to be needed.”

“It doesn’t mean you should change just to accommodate him.”

Buffy sighed and fiddled with her coke can. “I don’t know.”

“You just need someone who likes you for you, Buffy. You shouldn’t change just for some boy.”

“You make sense Will, but I still don’t know. Riley’s my shot at normal life.”

“Um…slayer…” the redhead remarked. “Not exactly normal.”

Shaking her head, Buffy stopped her with a hand. “Let’s just forget about Riley for now all right?”

Anya, head still tilted slightly shook her head. “What?” Buffy asked, almost afraid to ask.

Anya took a sip of her soda. “Riley has a nice body. But he’s not that good looking when you really study him. His nose is crooked. And the sucking off thing? Not a good thing. You should tell him to leave. Or, beat him up, or something.”

Willow and Tara actually laughed. Buffy just shook her head, but said nothing. When Anya turned her attention to the pool game, they figured they were safe while the ex-demon was in lusty Xander land. Until she muttered something about how nice Spike’s ass was. Buffy nearly choked on her drink.

“You can’t possibly think that…” Buffy gestured towards Spike.

Anya shrugged. “I think he has a nice ass.”

“He…sort of does,” Tara agreed.

“Tara!” Buffy gave the blond her best, ‘for shame’ look. Tara Shrugged, and Buffy turned to Willow. “You condone this?”

“I can’t tell her not to think Spike’s ass isn’t nice,” Willow admitted. “It sort of is. And he makes cute, purry sounds when he’s happy,” she added, perkily. “Like a big blonde kitty.”

“And you would know this, how?”

He fell asleep on the couch during movie night and we heard him. He was having a happy dream,” Anya responded. “Xander wanted to tape it and use it as blackmail, but Dawn wouldn’t let us. We couldn’t find the camcorder anyway.”

“Oh, and remember when he…”

Buffy let them go off on their memories, turning her attention to the pool game where Xander, Spike and Dawn palled around, laughing and drinking and generally having a good time. She couldn’t help but feel like she’d missed out on a lot, that time she was gone. They had Bronze night, and movie night, for crying out loud. Spike had fallen asleep on the couch! She studied the vampire from across the room, and realized, watching him play without his duster, that he did have a nice ass. And if two lesbians could admit it, then why the hell couldn’t she? And he had nice eyes. And when he smiled, in anyway, it was strangely seductive. And the purring thing? Very cute. She sighed and realized Spike, happy, and purring were leading to bad Buffy thoughts.

She relaxed in her stool after a moment and decided relaxing would keep her from bad Spike Buffy thoughts. So she just listened to the music, and watched them for a bit.

~*~*~*~

Spike put on a cheerful front for Dawn. He hated seeing her worry about him, or sad because of him. What he really felt right now was a whirlwind of emotion, the most prominent, being a raging self-loathing for the tone he had used with Buffy earlier. It was a defense mechanism he had, acting like he didn’t care. But if she had just looked up at him again, seen his eyes, she would have known that he hadn’t meant a word of it. He cared more than he was supposed to, and it scared him. Scared him more than sunlight, more than losing Dru, even more than death. He’d never felt so earnest in his un-life, and it was making him positively radiate humanity. It was an unnerving, new feeling. He felt like a newborn child, not knowing what he was supposed to do with himself. He had felt pathetic in the light of her pity, and he had lashed out. It was in his nature.

He realized she had every right to hate him for it. He hated himself for it.

I think I’ve already lost you
I think you’re already gone
I think I’m finally scared now
You think I’m weak
I think you’re wrong

I think you’re already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
Now I’m relaxed, I can’t be sure

~*~*~*~

She fiddled idly with the rim of her Coke, watching Spike pummel Xander at the tables. Dawn had grown bored and snagged a boy from school to dance with. God, why did he have to be so infuriating? One minute, he was everything. He was fire, passion, gentleness, and love. The next, he was aloof, irritating, and distant. Spike was like a roller coaster, up and down, something different and new at every time. She never knew what he was going to do next, couldn’t anticipate it like she could an attack. It made her mad at him. Why couldn’t he just be one thing, instead of all these everythings? That way, she wouldn’t go on this long emotional ride, going high then plummeting down. If he would just stop surprising her, maybe she’d know how to treat him. She could be nice to him, or she could hate him. It should have been that easy.

And I think you’re so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need
This in my life
And I think I’m scared
I think too much
I know its wrong that’s the reason
I’m feeling

Maybe she should make him leave. She realized it would be easier for her, she wouldn’t be feeling like this. Like she had been dropped off by the emotional tornado into the land of Spike Oz. But then, she realized that was what she had done with Riley. He had been too predictable. She had known how to deal with him. And then he finally lost it, snapped, and strove to be different, dark, for her. He had tried to change for her. Spike changed by his own volition, and forced her to deal with him on each level, instead of passively, as she had with Riley. It was what made her want to kill him, but stopped her from doing so all together. She sighed. Maybe she should make him leave; go to LA or something. It would definitely make her think less about this entire mess. Forget how much Dawn would miss him. Or about how much she would miss him, too.

After a second, she sighed in frustration. What kind of a slayer was she when she didn’t even have the heart to make a vampire leave?

If you’re gone
Maybe it’s time to come home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you’re gone
Maybe you need to come home
Come home
There’s a little bit of something me
In every thing in you

~*~*~*~

He hated her. Hated her for making him love everything about her so completely. It made him helpless when he saw her, made his knees shake and figuratively took his breath away, like a schoolboy. He hated her for making him love this feeling he got when he was around her.

Xander gasped when Spike missed an easy shot, hearing the vampire curse to himself. “Not concentrating tonight, Spike, ole’ chap?” he asked, taking advantage of the easy shot himself.

Spike growled. “Somethin’ like that.”

“Something to do with our old friend Captain America?”

Spike’s eyebrow quirked slightly at the reference. “Captain America?”

“Hey, I made that one up, okay?” Xander replied, sinking the ball easily. “You have Captain Commando and Cap’n Cardboard. I made Captain America.”

“It’s not bad,” Spike admitted, allowing a little smile. “But no, I’m not thinking of that wanker.”

Xander shrugged. “I do my best. What with all the nicknames you deal. Um… it’s about Buffy then?” he asked, taking his next shot and missing completely.

Spike stepped up and did the same. He cursed under his breath. He needed to concentrate if he was going to keep his undefeated winning streak against Harris. “Yeah.”

“You two got cozy on the dance floor.”

Spike’s features softened visibly. “Yeah.”

“How was it?” Xander asked, almost nonchalantly.

Spike eyed him, and he gave the vampire his best, ‘you can confide in me’ look. Sighing, Spike relented, propping his pool stick on the floor so he could polish off his beer. “It was the closest to heaven I’ve ever been,” he said after a while. “And now I know I have to forget it ever happened.”

I bet you’re hard to get over
I bet the room just won’t shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
And I bet you need, more than you mind

And I think you’re so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need
This in my life
And I think I’m just scared
That I know too much
I can’t relate and that’s a problem I’m feeling

“Why?”

Spike was thrown from his brooding at Xander’s question. “What do you mean why? I’m a monster remember? All evil and no good. I thought you knew this, Harris.”

Xander shrugged. “You seem like a pretty decent guy when you peel back the less than attractive exterior personality.”

The vampire was skeptical. “And why’s that?”

“You helped Buffy on the tower with Glory that one night.”

He snorted. “Fat lot of good that did anyone.”

“You tried. That’s all we could ask for anyway, right?” Xander winced as he made his next shot go too wide. “And after Buffy…erm…went on that really long vacation? You slayed. You got bones broken, and cut, and ripped and bitten, and she wasn’t even around to give you brownie points for it. I figure you were past the brownie points and getting to the caring area around then. And when you ignored the chip to punch that guy that was harassing Tara for her lifestyle choices a month ago? That was proof that you were passed the care area and all up into the friend area.”

Spike was oddly touched by the display. “Friend I may be Harris, but monster is always on top of that.”

“You still didn’t answer my question.”

The vampire regarded the young man warily. After a minute, he pulled out a cigarette and lit it, a sure sign that he was going to talk. Spike looked at Dawn on the dance floor with her friend, and decided she would be all right without his attention for a bit. “You loved her once, didn’t you, Harris?”

Xander nodded. “Yeah. Long time ago. At least, I think I loved her. Not so sure anymore.”

“I watched you two dance once, out on that very floor you know. She was like a cat. All sleek and graceful. I saw the way you looked at her out there. Do you remember how it felt?”

“Like I was going to explode?” Xander offered.

“Yeah. Something like that.” Spike puffed his cigarette thoughtfully. “I felt that tonight. I felt like she was everywhere and I was drowning. I was surrounded, and it was lovely. It was heaven. Then it ended, too fast, for my liking. She was gone. And I know I’ll never get that again. Not from her. She let go tonight for a little bit, but she won’t let herself slip again. That was all I got, my crumbs.” He laughed to himself. “I’ll probably die trying to touch the sun,” he muttered. “Maybe I should just leave. Get out of town; get away from her. Maybe I’ll stop loving her then, and it won’t be such torture.”

If you’re gone
Maybe it’s time to come home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you’re gone
Maybe you need to come home
Come home
There’s a little bit of something me
In every thing in you

“Leave?” Xander asked. “You couldn’t.”

Spike growled. “Why not?”

“You promised Dawn, for one. And you care too much to just turn around now.” Xander sunk another shot, as if proving his point.

“How do you know I care?” Spike fumed. He hated this, the assumption that he was soft, pathetic. He hated that he needed anyone. “I’m a monster, remember?” he added, punctuating his argument with the inarguable.

“You keep telling yourself that, Spike. If that’s what comforts you.”

I think you’re so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need
This in my life
And I think I’m just scared
Do I talk too much?
I know it’s wrong
That’s the problem
I’m feeling

If you’re gone
Maybe it’s time to come home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you’re gone
Maybe you need to come home
Come home
There’s a little bit of something me
In every thing in you

---

Part VII
On the Run

She watched him from across the room, noting that Willow and Tara had taken to the dance floor, while Anya went to collect her fiancée for a dance before they left. Buffy looked around, suddenly realizing how alone she was. She saw Spike wave Xander off to go dance with Anya, insisting. She watched him finish the game by himself before polishing off his beer and plopping down at the bar. He looked around, studying Tara and Willow, and smiled crookedly. He turned in Dawn’s direction, and clenched his jaw when he saw her slow dancing with one of her schoolmates, a silly grin on her face. He made as if to move in-between them. Buffy agreed that the two seemed a little closer than they should be. But he stopped himself and sat back down, running a hand through his hair, looking at the girl in part frustration, part adoration.

His gaze landed on her a second after, and he was surprised to see her looking back. They caught and held each other’s eyes for a moment, before she looked away, back down at the table.

Buffy sighed and fiddled with her straw, looking at the empty table around her, and then to her friends on the dance floor. Buffy alone again. Spike alone again, too. She finished off her drink without much flourish, and rested her head in her hand, watching them dance with their significant others. Maybe if Riley hadn’t left… she shook her head. She was still too annoyed at him. Who was he, to march into her life after a nearly a year of absence, and tell her who she could dance with? The slayer turned back towards the bar and Spike, but he wasn’t there anymore. She frowned.

"Hey Bite Size, mind if I borrow you for a second?" Spike tapped Dawn’s shoulder while she danced with her friend.

"What’s up Spike?" Dawn frowned, seeing his tight, 'I don't care about anything' expression on his face.

He pulled the young girl into a private corner. "I'm gonna go ducks. Think 've worn out my welcome with big sis."

"Don't be silly Spike, this is a public place. You can stay here as long as you want," Dawn pouted.

"Sorry luv..." he frowned, hating to disappoint her. "Look...Nibblet...I just think its a good idea if I laid low for a little bit." he couldn't look her in the eyes. "I've ruffled your sis' doilies enough to know when enough is enough."

Dawn's heart was pounding. "Whaddya mean?"

Spike heard her heartbeat become agitated. "I think 'm gonna stay outta your sis' hair a bit is all..."

Dawn bit her lip with worry. She knew he was thinking of leaving. "Spike..." she whispered. "Please don't leave. I need you."

Spike's undead heart broke. He kissed her forehead. "I'll always be here for you luv." He smiled, trying to let her down easy.

She felt tears spring to her eyes as he eased away, turning his back to her. "Spike!"

He turned worried blue eyes to her.

"I love you..." she stated. He just smiled tenderly, then turned, striding away in silence.

Dawn turned to her friend.

"Everything okay?" he asked, concerned. Dawn shrugged her shoulders halfheartedly, not having the strength to speak aloud. She was worried.

~*~*~*~

Buffy searched by the pool table, hoping Spike would appear there. He wasn't. She sighed. Well, at least with him gone she could stop thinking about him. Yeah, right. She rolled one of the pool balls across the red table. Her mind flashbacked to earlier that night, and she thought about dancing with Spike. It was almost like an out of body experience...as if someone else had taken over her and let her dance with him. It felt so...God, she hated to say it...good. She leaned against the pool table, a tiny smile playing on her lips. The way he purred made her tingle and her heart pound. It was so stimulating. The fact that she could do that to the big bad vampire, make him react so extremely made her tingle inside. She just couldn't seem to get enough of it. Her heart jumped at the memory, wanting suddenly to be close to him. She sighed, knowing she shouldn't let herself be a slave to such thoughts. The way she acted earlier really scared her. It made her think about things that were probably better left buried. Like the question, if Spike could be so good...than how come Angelus couldn't have changed for her?? She groaned, tossing a ball into one of the pockets.

"That's cheatin’, luv..." the sound of Spike’s deep, rich brogue interrupted her musings.

Buffy jumped, turning. "I thought you’d gone back to your crypt..."

"Don't worry, 'm bout to get out of your hair, slayer..." he put his hands up in defense.

"You don't have to leave cuz of me," she couldn't believe what she was saying. Not more than a few minutes ago she was complaining about him being here. Now that he was this close, she didn't want him to leave.

Spike studied her. She seemed scared of him, in a not so 'ooh you're the big bad' type way, but a ‘now that you’re important to me you have the potential to really hurt me’ sort of way. It was odd. "C'mon Buffy. I know you don't want me around..."

"Spike, about before..." she started interrupting him. He raised his brows with curiosity. "I...I..." she stuttered, staring in his blue eyes.

"I know... I'm sorry… I didn't mean to get all..." he looked away from her. "Well…the whole purring bit..." if he could blush he would. "Can't control it..."

Buffy wanted to tell him how cute it had seemed. Instead, all she managed to choke out was a lame, "It's okay."

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you can feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that 'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

For a long time, they just stood, staring at once another uncomfortably. It was suddenly silent as the song ended. "I'm sorry if I messed up things with you and your poof... er…Riley…" he continued. He was arguing with himself inside about how to tell her he was leaving.

She sighed. "He's not my poof, Spike." She paused. "I'm sorry he attacked you... again..."

"I'm not made of glass luv, 'll live..or well...you know...un-live." He shrugged.

She needed answers. She needed to know what exactly happened between them tonight, but she was scared of the answer. She was scared all together. Spike could see her growing more and more uncomfortable. With each passing moment he knew leaving had to be the right thing. He groaned. If he was going, he was gonna go with a bang, not fade into the background like his Poofter of a Grandsire. He cupped her cheek, cooling her hot skin with his touch.

Say goodnight not good-bye
You will never leave my heart behind
Like the path of a star
I'll be anywhere you are

In the spark that lies beneath the coals
In the secret place inside your soul
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight not good-bye

"Look Buffy..." he leaned in closer. "I know what you think of me, I know what a monster I am in your eyes. I know you try to overlook it because we're friends. Thank you for giving me that chance at least." He paused. "I said this once before, but 'll say it once more... I know that you could never love me, I know 'm a monster, and you're right about it. But thank you for givin’ me the benefit of the doubt tonight. And thank you, for our dance..."

Buffy's eyes found his icy blue ones. She tried to read him, but he wasn't letting on to anything, not now.

"I know you want to try and work things out with Captain America," he paused, mentally thanking Xander for the new ammo. There was a bout of silence between them, while he tried to force himself to do what was best for both of them. He just couldn't spit out the words. What he wanted to say was, 'm going to leave, so you can be happy’. But, he just couldn't say it. "I don't mean to get in the way. Our friendship isn't as special as what you shared with him. He’s human." He bit back the bitter taste in his throat. He just wasn't getting this out the way he'd like. "Listen luv, 'm gonna go now. Get outta your hair." he chickened out. William the Bloody chickened out. "If you ever need me...'ll be there."

Don't you fear when you dream
Waking up is never what it seems
Like a jewel buried deep

Like a promise meant to keep
You are everything you want to be
So just let your heart reach out to me
I'll be right by your side
Say goodnight not good-bye

Buffy couldn't understand what Spike was trying to get at. His thoughts and expressions were so jumbled. She watched him, trying to understand.

Seeing her confusion, he saw his opportunity, and seized it, wondering absently as he did, if he would come out of the club fitting in a vacuum cleaner. He dove in quickly, before she could move, and pressed a gentle, lingering kiss against her left temple. "Goodbye Buffy...." With that, he stalked off, duster flapping behind him like a harbinger of bad tidings.

Buffy turned, in shock. Her cheek felt white hot from his lips and she couldn't believe how quickly he'd disappeared. Without hearing a word she had to say at that. He didn't seem to want to hear anything she had to say. It felt strange. Something inside her broke, and she didn't quite understand why. Just yet. "Goodnight Spike..." she whispered.

You are everything you want to be
So just let your heart reach out to me
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight, not good-bye

He walked outside, willing himself not to turn around and look at her one more time. He really didn’t know what he was going to do with himself. He needed to get away, give both he and Buffy a chance to breathe on their own. Walking down the alley by the Bronze, he already missed her. Her and Dawn. He hated himself for having to do this to Dawn and leave. For three months he had been her whole world, and she his. They had held on to each other in their grief, because they had had no one to turn to. No one else felt as they did for their part in Buffy’s death. No one had their guilt over it. If Spike had been faster, fiercer, stronger. If Dawn had jumped before Buffy could stop her. Theirs had been a bond of pain and quietly sobbed reassurances. If it hadn’t been for her, he might have just ended it all, to stop the pain. But she had needed him, he’d needed her, and he had had a promise to keep. It was most likely, the only reason he was still alive at this very moment.

Sighing, the vampire leaned against the wall at the end of the alley; the very one he had come to earlier. He pulled out a cigarette, not seeing the harm in lingering a bit to console the part of his heart that would always be here, with them. He flipped his lighter, causing a spark and sighed as the smoke poured into him. He would have to give these up, if he stayed here, he mused. It was an excuse he was giving to convince himself that leaving was better. Yeah right. He snorted. Smokes VS Buffy. He would quit cold turkey if she asked him to. He would never even crave the blasted things again, if she wanted him to. But, he reminded himself; he was leaving. So it didn’t matter. He leaned up against the wall, and listened to the music wafting from the club, puffing on his smoke quietly as he remembered the feel of her in his arms, and the smell of her, and the look of her. It would be his fondest memory from now until eternity.

If you wanna know…

Tomorrow morning I have to leave
But wherever I may be
Best believe I'm thinking of you
I can't believe how much I love you

~*~*~*~

Back at the Bronze, Buffy had wandered back to her table, plopping down onto a seat that faced the door. What did he mean, getting out of her hair? She sighed. It seemed about time she drove another man away from her, friend or not. They always left her, to give her time, to let her think, to let her be normal, because she wasn’t good enough, because she wasn’t dependant. So many reasons, the same result. They left. She touched her face, where he had kissed her. She ached like she was missing something.

All we have is here tonight
We don't want to waste this time
Give me something to remember
Baby put your lips on mine

She listened to the music in the club, watching Xander and Anya dance, Willow and Tara. They all looked so content, in the arms of someone, just moving to the music, nothing else on their mind. She remembered the feel of her dance with Spike, and she imagined it was he and she there again, just dancing. Forgetting the world. She closed her eyes, sighing to herself. Just one dance.

And I'll love you forever
Anytime that we find ourselves apart

~*~*~*~

He pictured her in his arms, happy and content, as if the world around them had disappeared at there was only them, in their moment. He sighed and shoved his hands into his duster pockets, imagining her pressed against him. They fit so well. It felt so right, so perfect. But it was wrong. Every part of it was wrong. The world dictated that there could be no Buffy and Spike. He hated that; he hated rules. Always had. But when the whole world was against you, what could you do? He puffed on his cigarette. He could dream. He could imagine. And he had his memory. He shut his eyes lightly, listening to the music, picturing them dancing again, in his mind. It soothed him some.

Just close your eyes
And you'll be here with me
Just look to your heart
And that's where I'll be
If you just close your eyes
Till your drifting away
You'll never be too far from me
If you close your eyes

~*~*~*~

She wondered what he was thinking now, walking away from her to his crypt. Did it hurt him? She knew he loved her. She knew he was doing this to make life easier for her. But it didn’t seem easier. She wondered how a soulless vampire could have more heart than men who did have their souls. He would be walking, and she could see him muttering to himself, cursing himself for being a wanker, but not really meaning it because deep down inside he knew he was doing the right thing.

How would it be, all of a sudden? Him being in the shadows instead of in the foreground for a while? Staying in his crypt all the time instead of coming to Movie night, or Bronze night? What would the others say? Would it be weird without him? Stranger than it had been with him?

I know I'm gonna see you again
But promise me that you won't forget
Cause as long as you remember
A part of us will be together
So even when you're fast asleep
Look for me inside your dreams
Keep believing in what we're sharing
And even when I'm not there to tell you

~*~*~*~

I'll, I'll love you forever
Anytime that I can't be where you are

He realized, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he should leave now, before he chickened out and rushed back in, telling her he would never go. He had to keep reminding himself it was easier if he vanished for a bit. She needed to sort out her life, and he needed to learn to deal with these feelings. He wondered if he should visit LA, maybe see the grand poof, and get some advice on how to deal with loving someone so much it made everything about you ache all the time. Like he loved her. He had to go. He banged the back of his head against the wall, because something stopped him for a bit. Maybe he wanted to finish out the dance in his imagination, finish this song out.

Just close your eyes
And you'll be here with me
Just look to your heart
And that's where I'll be
If you just close your eyes
Till your drifting away
You'll never be too far from me
If you close your eyes

Is there anywhere that far?
Anytime you're feeling low
Is there anywhere that love cannot reach?
Oh no
It could be anywhere on earth
It could be anywhere I'll be
Oh baby if you want to see

Just close your eyes
And you'll be here with me
Look to your heart
That's where you'll be
Just close your eyes
Till your drifting away
You'll never be too far from me

As the strains faded out and another song started, he pushed himself upright and put out his cigarette, exhaling the last of the smoke from his long dead lungs. It was time to go. Striding with purpose this time, he headed for his crypt. He would go to LA. Far enough to think but, close enough to come back the moment anyone needed him. With new purpose, he strode towards his crypt. He and Buffy, they’d both be okay without each other for a bit.

~*~*~*~

“Buffy?”

She was startled out of her reverie by Dawn. “Oh, hey Dawnie. How was your dance?” she asked, trying to keep from sounding too distracted. “A boyfriend on the horizon I should be working on scaring off?”

Dawn shrugged. “I just saw Spike,” she stated, ignoring the boyfriend statement. It would be Spike’s job to scare him off, in the future, as far as she was concerned. Buffy was the one that was supposed to take her side and tease him about it later. “He said he needed to go.”

Buffy nodded. “Yeah. He said he’d lay low for a while.”

“No…” Dawn trailed off. “He said he needed to GO.”

The slayer’s eyes narrowed. “You mean…”

“He’s leaving,” Dawn nodded. “I was looking for you to tell you…but you weren’t here.”

“I was talking to him.” Buffy paused. “He said goodbye,” she said softly. His words echoed around her, like a haunting love ballad. He’d said goodbye. Not, I’ll see you later, not good night, not, ‘til next time. He’d said goodbye.

Did you ever love somebody?
So much that the earth moved
Did you ever love somebody?
Even though it hurt to?

Did you ever love somebody?
Nothing else the heart could do
Did you ever love somebody,
Who never knew?

“Buffy, you can’t let him leave.”

She was almost startled at how the voice in her head and Dawn said the exact thing at the exact time. “Dawn, I can’t do anything about it. If he wants to go, it’s his choice.”

Dawn looked incredulous. “Buffy! You can do something about it! It’s always been you.”

“Dawn, what are you talking about? I can’t keep him here.”

The younger girl barely kept herself from screaming, eyes looking beseechingly at her sister. “God, he LOVES you Buffy! All you’d have to do is ask him, and he’d stay!”

Did you ever lay your head down
On the shoulder of a good friend?
And then have to look away somehow
Had to hide the way you felt for them

“I know that Dawn! Maybe he just needed to get away from me.”

“Maybe he thought you wanted to get away from him!” Dawn stated back, just as vehemently.

The reasonable part of Buffy screamed at her to argue that Spike could very well do as he pleased, here, or not. The small part of her that cared about him told her to go and demand that he stay, because it needed him. It seemed like the reasonable part was winning now, telling her that it would be giving him the wrong idea, if she asked him to stay.

Have you ever prayed the day would come?
You'd hear them say they feel it too
Did you ever love somebody,
Who never knew?

She knew he would do it, too, if she asked him too. He’d walk into sunlight or bathe in holy water, if she’d needed him to. Dawn knew it too. Perhaps, Dawn had known it before Buffy had. “I…I can’t.”

“Why?” Her little sister’s hand rested against her arm, squeezing it gently. “Why not?”

And if you did,
Well, you know I'd understand
I could I would
More than anybody can

“Why? I can’t because, it’s…” she trailed off. Was it wrong? If it was right to let him go, why did it make her feel so terrible?

“It’s what Buffy? Wrong?” Dawn asked.

“Yes, it’s wrong.”

“You were going to ask Riley to stay!”

“But that was different… he and I …”

“Maybe you’re just scared.”

Did you ever love somebody?
So much that the earth moves
Did you ever love somebody,
Even though it hurt to?

Buffy looked at her sister. Scared? Why would she be scared? He was harmless… he loved her. Love scared her; it was true. The hurt just never stopped. And she couldn’t love him. The world told her she couldn’t love him. The reasonable part of herself told her she didn’t love him; that she never would. But there was still that small part of her that cried out for his touch, his smell, his love.

Yes, she was scared. “Oh God,” she whispered to herself. “I have to go…” she looked at her sister, who just nodded. “I have to talk to him.”

Did you ever love somebody?
Nothing else your heart could do
Did you ever love somebody?
Like I love you
Like I love you
Like I love you

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