Part III
Bold Move

Her anger was boiling as she took fuming steps back home. How dare he react so...so...nonchalantly... Like she suddenly didn't matter to him at all?? Her anger subsided slightly to hurt. She bit her lip, eyes wide, fighting off tears. She growled.

"God Buffy!! What are you thinking?!" she shook her head, trying to relieve her thoughts, but they weren't coming from her mind, but from her heart. Her strides were so lengthy; she could see her home nearby already. She stalked in and out of the street shadows, arms wrapped around herself. She sighed heavily. "I need to go home, take a long hot shower, eat some ice cream, pout and whine...maybe wake up Dawnie...pout and whine some more... and get some sleep..."

Spike threw himself into his armchair and ripped the cork out of wine bottle. "Damn you Slayer, and damn your bloody goody pansy, live, poofy Riley. Boring lil twit. Sodding wanker, Nancy Boy...and I thought Peaches was bad..." He growled, stomping his foot. He took a swish of the liquid.

"Don't you realize he's not good enough for you slayer? He's not the staying kind, luv..." he yelled into the air. "He'll only hurt you damn it... When he does, chip or no chip, 'll break each of his bloody limbs is all... 'tll be bleeding good fun..." Spike chuckled with the visual image of ripping Riley's limbs from his body. "It will..." he brought the bottle to his cool lips again. He sat back in his armchair, mentally killing Riley. Anything to distract his mind from the Slayer.

Buffy smiled softly, stepping out of the shower, and into her most comfy PJ’s. She opted not to wake her sleeping sister, because well, she did have school in the morning. As much as her tummy argued with her, she also passed on the ice cream. It would only lead to brooding and pouting and the waking up of Willow with an ill timed phone call. Besides, she was tired of thinking about all her problems. For goodness sakes, she just got back from kicking the bucket a second time, she should be happy to just be alive. And she was certainly happy to see her bed. With a sigh, she slipped under the covers, letting her body relax, even if her mind wasn't ready. She leaned her head into her pillows, eyes glaring at the ceiling. Damn it... All she wanted was to live as normal a life as a Slayer could, and instead it just kept getting more and more complicated. On top of the demons and apocalypses she had to deal with on a regular basis, there was also the soap opera that was her life. As much as part of her was glad Riley was back, she wished he'd just have stayed away and kept things simple. Having him gone kept him out of her mind. Now, having him home, it hurt to see him, but it felt good all at once. He was something safe and familiar that she didn’t have to think much about. It left her heart and mind in a battle of tug o' war for her feelings for him.

Her eyes darted to the moonlight outside her window. As if that wasn't bad enough, now Spike was obviously upset with her. Again, she wondered why it mattered so. He was just a friend, a new friend, and someone she'd never thought she'd ever trust. They’d had the talk when she’d returned. But she did, and she didn't want to lose any friendship they were building. There really couldn’t be anymore for them than just friendship. He’d accepted it, and they’d done just that. Become friends. But she supposed, she should've known talking to him about her love life wasn't something she could rely on Spike for. Watching her back and defending and protecting her and Dawnie... that she could rely on the vamp for, which was a big step alone. Not long ago, Spike wanted her dead and vice versa. They'd come a long way. Question was; how much further did they have to go?

She groaned, burying her face in the pillow. Why did she keep questioning her relationship with Spike?! They were friends, just friends and that’s all that she'd ever let it be. He was a bad guy! Well, a former bad guy. Not that all the men she's had in her life hadn't turned out to have a really bad streak. Even Riley, in a, leave in the night, don't call or keep in touch kinda bad. Not only that, but Spike was only somewhat good because he was chipped. If that thing ever were to malfunction it be all over. He'd be back to finding ways to kill her, and he could just walk right into the house. God, what if he tried to hurt Dawn? Buffy frowned. She couldn't believe her own thoughts. Deep down, somewhere in the dark, hidden place in her heart she knew Spike would never hurt either one of them. But she wouldn't let herself fully believe it. Plus, first and foremost, he was a vampire. Not that Angel wasn't... Why did she have to make an excuse for every bad reason to be more than friends with Spike?! She growled, hitting her head on the pillow. "Just stop Buff... Just stop thinking of Spike! You're supposed to be concentrating on Riley!" Yet, that was the furthest thing from her mind.

Spike flicked his lighter on, ignighting his cigarette. He took a long drag and inhaled the smoke. He walked out of the cemetery with a purpose. He was so tired of thinking and speaking aloud to Buffy when she wasn't there. He was going to talk to her and she was going to listen, whether she liked it or not. He knew how much she liked to hear herself talk and how much she detested anything he had to say. Especially when she knew deep down in that slayer gut of hers, he was bloody right. He was gonna make her see that he was right somehow.

He exhaled the smoke, snorting. "Like that blond, stubborn lil slayer would ever see the truth right in front of her big ol' beautiful eyes!" he flicked his ashes and stalked down the streets. He wondered again why he was doing this? "Right mate, you're doing this so she'll stop dancing around in that bleeding mind of yers. Like she ever would... the...the..lil...dancer of my bleeding mind..." Spike groaned. "Yer long gone mate, you’re even sounding like the slayer now." He put the cigarette in his mouth. "With all that nonsense talk she and her mates make up..." his cigarette hung loose on his lips. 'Buffy talk', he liked to call it. The worst part was, deep in his cold heart he knew he was doing this out of his sick, sadistic, (as she liked to think) prisoner in jail, waiting to break free kinda love he felt for her. Or as he thought, his pure, good, life altering, mind boggling, heart renewing pumping, true love. He sighed, shaking his head. He took another puff of his cigarette and the slayer's lighthearted voice sounded in his head, "You do know second hand smoke is deadlier than all the vampires in the world, right?"

Spike laughed wickedly. "Nothing's more deadly than the 'Big Bad' on a rampage, luv..." he tossed his cigarette into the street for good measure.

"Spikey's comin' for you slayer..." he grinned, licking his lips. Her house was right upon him now. He stalked up to the house, leaping up the house to her window. He slipped in and was about to start yelling at her when his voice caught in his throat and he smiled an ear splitting grin. She was so precious, so beautiful... She was fast asleep, snuggling a small stuffed pig, like a child, to her chest. A small smile played on her lips and the girl known as Buffy shone through for Spike to see. The girl he saw inside her fiery nature as the slayer. Good lord, she was so perfect. His anger suddenly drifted, not wanting to yell, but to help this girl he loved so. He slipped into the room, and like a person suffering from a split personality, he took another look at her and he growled silently, shaking his arms, fists bawled in the air. He ran his fingers into his white hair, remitting another purring growl. She was going to be the death of him! He was turning himself into a Nancy boy with all this mushy love for her!! When would he get to show the fiery passion he felt too?!!

Buffy's slayers senses kicked in, and her eyes flew open. She shot up outta bed and scanned the room. "Holy cow! Spike, geez, you scared the mess outta me!!!" she gasped, seeing a figure in the corner of her room. The moonlight illuminated his peroxide hair. Her heart slowed its furious pace slightly. It was still racing from the handsome man staring at her with searing blue eyes.

Spike tilted his head, slightly cocky. "Well slayer, glad to know I still frighten you since 'm turning into a bloody Nancy Boy!!!!" he growled, shouting, his temper snapping.

"Shh..." Buffy warned. "You'll wake Dawn..." She paused. "Do I have to de-invite you again?!"

Spike lowered his voice slightly. "You don't know what you're doing to me, luv! You have to listen to me!"

Buffy crossed her arms, staring at him. "Spike, what do you want?" She looked at her alarm clock. "It's nearly 4am..."

"Slayer...Buffy..." he came to her, sitting on the bed. "Please, luv... You don't know what you're getting into with Riley. He'll only hurt you pet, he'll just leave you again! I can't stand to sit by and watch you be hurt all over again!"

"What do you care?" Buffy frowned. Now, of all times, he wanted to talk.

"Damn it Buffy. Whether you believe me or not, I LOVE YOU..." Spike cupped her cheek with his cool palm. "Please... I know you detest me, know that 'm lucky we could just be friends, but Riley isn't right for you!" Buffy stared wide eyed at him. She was speechless, for a change.

Spike stared at her, waiting for her interruption, waiting for her to drop kick him outta here and tell him never to come back. When she didn't it took him by surprised and he didn't know what to say next. "It's just lunacy to consider Riley! The bloody poof is just too soddin sappy! You need someone who understands you Buffy." he paused. "The rotten wanker left you and expected you to forgive him for getting some good times with some vamps?! What kinda poof does that to you?!"

"Spike, everyone makes mistakes..." Buffy excused.

"But how many times had he left you in the night, leavin’ you lonely in this very bed luv, to get a thrill with some vamps?!" Spike was detested by the thought of her being left alone. "You need someone who'll be there when you wake up, who'll reach over and love you all through the night! You need someone who not only see Buffy Summers, but see that a part of you is the slayer... that fiery passion inside your heart and soul..."

Buffy's throat was dry. She hung on every word, ever utterance, and felt her heart melt. Scarier yet, she was beginning to think he was right.

"Someone who knows you're job is to save the world and that you're still just a girl. A girl who needs and deserves love more than anyone else I know... A girl who's heart is so..." Spike paused, gathering some strength. "Tender, sweet, caring, and so loving she'd give a monster a chance to prove himself a man to you..."

"Oh, Spike..." Her heart was thudding so hard. "I..."

Spike put a finger to her soft lips. "Buffy, I know you. I know the sweet girl in you, I know the fiery slayer who wants to help everyone. And I even see the deep dark side of you. You need a monster in your man... Not someone like Riley..."

Something in the way Spike said Riley’s name made her heart clamp up, breaking the spell he had on her. She regained her senses and pulled away from his hand hastily. Her eyes glared at him. "One second... just who are you to tell me what I need?"

Spike saw the change in her eyes. He'd gone too far, said too much. Now, she was mad. "I… I just meant... since you came to me to talk..." Spike sighed.

"Yeah, and a big mistake that was. You're just using all this trouble with Riley as a chance to get with me, aren't you?!" She shoved him off her bed. "I thought we were friends, Spike?!" her temper was building again. "When are you gonna realize I don't love you! And I never will!" She glared hard at him. Spike looked up at her from the floor. Damn his big mouth! He'd gone too far, pushed her too soon! Those sad blue eyes of his watched her, his own temper at himself growing.

It was all his fault. Now, he'd probably forced her into the arms of that wanker!

She glared at him, standing up. “Spike, I think you should leave.”

He struggled to find something to say, anything that would get that look of utter disappointment off of her face. Contempt, and fury, even disgust and hate, he could deal with, but her disappointment cut him like a knife. Because he knew she had trusted him to be her friend, and to support anything and everything she did, as a friend was supposed to. And he had just blown it. He looked downward, unable to hold her gaze, unable to face that sad, resigned look that crossed her face, full of that damned, disappointment. Why wouldn’t she hit him, be furious at him, curse him? If she would just be angry with him, yes, he’d get beaten, and broken, but at least it would be normal. He would expect it. But seeing that disappointment… it made him relive the night of a thousand nightmares. The night she died. It was as if he’d failed her, again. He couldn’t take that. Not again. He’d die a thousand deaths; endure having every bone broken in his body, to avoid living that moment again.

Choking back a sob, he got up off the floor slowly, eyes not even seeing anything around him. She was right; he should leave. He turned and headed out the window, pausing slightly at the sill, as if he were going to say something. Instead, he let out a breathy shudder and climbed out. He was vaguely aware of the window closing behind him. And for the first time in 120 years, Spike truly felt dead inside.

She watched him go, a shattered, torn expression left unguarded on his face. For a moment, she forgot her anger, felt her heart go out to him. She could see the pain he was in, sense the anguish radiating from his body like fever. But her resolve didn’t crumble, because she wouldn’t let it, and she told herself, that no matter how much it hurt to see him like this, he had brought it upon himself when he breached her faith in him. It was his fault. He should have stayed back and let her deal with this herself. He shouldn’t have tried to influence her decision… he shouldn’t have told her what was in his heart.

She put her hand over her mouth. What was a friend? Someone to talk to, to share your deepest secrets with. Someone you could be yourself around. A friend was someone who loved every bit of you, even at your worst. A friend was honest with you when the world lied, told you what you needed to hear, and not what you wanted to hear.

With her hand on her face, she felt wetness on her face, not having realized the fact that she was crying until now. The window shut behind him, and she watched him climb out, a mysterious disquietude surrounding him as he did. He seemed to truly fade with the shadows, tonight. She wanted to open the window, call out to him, and stop him from leaving. She wanted to erase that dead look from his face, and that haunted, emptiness in his eye. But her tenacity held true to form and she stood rigid, unmoving from the spot, tears she did not feel sliding down her cheek, before falling to the floor in crystalline droplets.

She tried to ignore that ache in her chest and tried to focus on how wrong he had been, to say those things to her. How wrong it had been, for him to say what was in his heart. She tried to tell herself that he had crossed a boundary, that he had broken a sacred trust. She tried to tell herself that he shouldn’t have tried to influence her. She tried to admit to herself, that he wasn’t an influence, already, whether he tried or not. Sitting back onto her bed desolately, she stared at the window in which she had seen him go. Maybe if she kept telling it to herself, she’d start to believe it. He had been wrong.

Dawn withdrew her ear from her sister’s door and slipped back into her room silently, closing the door behind her. Tears tracked down her face, and she buried herself into her pillow to drown out the sobs. Her heart went out to the vampire that had been her best friend, her guardian, her keeper, and for a while, her only everything. Was she the only one that could see his love? Was she the only one that saw past the classification, into the heart of the man? His love was pure, even if he was not. He was not a monster. He had more soul than many humans. His heart was real. Why was she the only one that saw that?

And with each indignation the youngest Summers came across, the more her empathy for Spike turned to anger at the world. She raged internally, against Angel, against Riley, against Parker, and against even Buffy, for the injustice of Spike’s situation. Why should he, her protector, her keeper, and most of all, her friend, pay for the crimes of those before him? Why should he be put into a glass box, classified with a species and set aside as a beast just because of what he was? What about who he was? It wasn’t fair, and she refused to let the brash, egotistical, honest, gentle, passionate man she loved so much be destroyed because of it. Getting up and wiping her face with the back of her hand, she headed to her closet and changed hastily. She wouldn’t let him walk away from here thinking no one cared.

She was ready in record time, truly not even remembering what happened between her room and the street as she crawled out the window. Taking off at a dead sprint down the road, she could still see his dark figure walking slowly by the end of the street. She resisted the urge to call out to him, and sped up to meet him, instead. He had to know that someone, anyone, cared. He had to know someone believed in him.

Spike walked slowly, his head in a tizzy over what had happened. He was vaguely aware that he was moving, towards the crypt most likely, though he couldn’t recall giving his feet the direction to move there. What had he done? He’d destroyed that friendship that was forming, had shattered that bond before it had time to set. Could he ever get it back? He would move the earth itself if that were the price, but he wondered if Buffy would even give him the chance. Not that he could blame her. He had failed her expectations, again. He had let her down when he promised he wouldn’t, just like that night, on the tower. He was a miserable hero.

The vampire wanted desperately to blame tonight on someone else, to erase the hurt of disappointing the person that was his sole reason for living, the one who had given him his only purpose in life. He even wanted to blame her, because she should have known better than to trust a soulless demon to do a job. He wanted to convince himself it was her fault in the first place, because she should have known that in the long run, he would betray her, because he was evil. But, he just couldn’t find the heart to do it. He couldn’t blame her as much as he could hate her, and so it settled that his pain would rest solely on his shoulders, from now until eternity.

So immersed in his thoughts was he, that he didn’t hear the crunch of boots on wet grass, didn’t sense the enraged heartbeat or the adrenaline pumping blood of the mortal that charged him. He staggered at the first punch, but managed to stay upright, spinning around to face his attacker, the blow having caused his game face to emerge, unconsciously. It was just another reminder that he would always be a monster, hiding behind a crude, human mask. When he saw who had attacked him, the sudden tension left him, his demon mask sliding back with a shake of his head. He did nothing, said nothing. He simply turned around, telling himself to keep walking. He wouldn’t give the bastard the pleasure of sneering at his pain.

“What were you doing in her room?” Riley demanded, eyes blazing with jealousy.

Spike ignored him. He didn’t want to face Finn. The all too plain, all to real man that had come out ultimately victorious through their monumental struggles.

“I’m talking to you!!!” Riley demanded, indignant and full of rage. He grabbed Spike by the arm and spun him around bodily, glaring hard at the insolent vampire.

Spike looked at the boy, for that was all he really was. An irritating, overconfident, puppy of a boy. He could not find a reason to be afraid, seeing the soldier glaring down at him. He held back the urge to laugh and goad the whelp into putting him out of his misery. The only reason he didn’t, was his promise. Until the end of the world. “You shouldn’t be spyin’ on her, Finn,” he replied, shrugging the arm the held him off.

Riley was floored. No smart crack? No dry witty remark? “What happened, Spike? Why would she even let you in?” he growled.

The vampire turned around, facing Riley head on. “Why don’t you ask her, lover boy, instead of going around behind her back?”

Enraged, Riley drew back and punched Spike hard. “Don’t you dare act better than me. You’re just an animal.” He grabbed the duster collar and pulled his fist back again, a menacing look in his eye. “Tell me.”

The commando wasn’t sure what happened next, but something attacked him furiously, jumping on his back and screaming barely coherent demands that he let go and leave Spike alone. Dazed, he lot go of Spike, grabbed the assailant, and threw whomever it was, off of his back.

“Oh God…” Spike dove to the ground at Riley’s feet, his back cushioning Dawn’s fall.

Riley heard the startled yelp, and the soft groan, and he froze. Looking at the pile that he had thrown to his feet, he felt his throat go dry. “Dawn? Oh God, Dawn, I’m so sorry…” he started, moving down to pick her up.

She slapped his hand away, scrabbling to get off of Spike. “Spike? Are you okay?” she asked, ignoring Riley.

The vampire rolled over onto his back, and looked back up at her. “You all right, pet? GI didn’t hurt you?” he asked, groaning and sitting up.

She smiled, though he could still see the tear stains on her face in the moonlight. “Something big and bony broke my fall,” she responded, as they pulled each other up.

“Dawn, God, what were you doing? Why are you out here, at this time of night?” Riley demanded. “You should be in bed. Buffy could be worried sick…it’s dangerous out here.” he started, frantically.

She glared at him. “Yeah, I could get thrown around by big Boy Scouts,” she quipped, eyes narrowed.

Finn ran a hand through his hair. “Aw kid, I’m sorry. But you shouldn’t have jumped me like that.”

“You shouldn’t have jumped Spike!” she shot back, infuriated that he thought he could treat the vampire that way just because he couldn’t defend himself.

“He was in Buffy’s room. I wanted to make sure he hadn’t done anything to her.” It was a lame excuse, and everyone there knew it.

“So you decided to attack him instead of going to see if she was all right?” Dawn drawled. “The army teach you that?”

“Dawn, stop,” Riley said. “C’mon… I need to get you back home.”

She ignored him and looked back at Spike. “I had to talk to you, before you walked away, thinking no one cared,” she said quietly. “I…I heard what happened in Buffy’s room, and…” She leapt into his arms, pushing her head against his chest as a fresh bout of sobs escaped her. “She shouldn’t have said what she did. You’re not a monster.”

“Shhh, Nibblet. You know you shouldn’t be out here,” Spike said quietly, avoiding her statement. He laid his cheek on the top of her head and hugged her tightly. “It’s dangerous.”

“Not with you protecting me,” she responded, voice muffled by his thick leather jacket.

He looked down at her adoringly, realizing for the umpteenth time that he loved this little girl so much it made his heart hurt. “You should go with Riley and get home, Bite Size,” he whispered against her.

She pulled back slightly, knowing he was right. He was always right, her Spike. “I just needed you to know that I love you, Spike.”

He smiled a little, and she saw some life spark back into his eyes. “You shouldn’t love me, pet. I’m a monster.”

She felt infinitely less sad, seeing that look in his eye. Seriously, she put a hand over where his heartbeat would be, had he one. “You’re not a monster where it counts,” she assured him, looking straight into those swirling oceans of blue that were his eyes. His heart was all that mattered to her; it was all that should matter.

“It doesn’t beat, luv,” he responded sadly, looking down at chest as he put his hand on top of hers. God, how he wished it beat, in times like these.

She withdrew her hand from his heart and wrapped him into a fierce hug again, leaning against the crook of his neck. “It doesn’t have to.”

He smiled wanly at the thought. “You should get back home, pet.”

She withdrew and nodded. “Yeah. Tomorrow night…” she trailed off, wondering how to say this. “The gang is still going to be at the Bronze tomorrow night. Come?”

“No Nibblet, you know I can’t…” He stepped back warily, shaking his head. “Sis’d stake me ‘fore I was halfway through the door.”

Her eyes pleaded with him. “Please, Spike? Don’t let that bother you. Don’t let the Captain back there influence it.”

“Hey!” Riley protested, halfheartedly. Since when did Dawn dislike him so vehemently? They used to get along, all right.

She ignored his outburst. “Please? You still need to teach me how to shoot right, and Xander will be disappointed if you and he don’t get in your weekly Pool game. You know he can hang with just girls for only so long…”

He studied her face, eyes wide with hope, old tears starting to dry in the warm night air. His little angel, his promise. He swore he wouldn’t let anyone hurt her, and that threat included him. He sighed in resignation, and looked downward, not saying anything.

He didn’t have to say anything. She knew. “Thank you Spike!” she squealed, kissing him on the cheek quickly.

“All right then brat, get on home,” he urged, smiling fondly.

“Bye, Blondie,” she called back, letting Riley pull her back down the street, towards the house.

He watched them go in silence; saw Finn put his arm on her shoulder. It was decidedly, the most normal thing he had ever seen. And for once, for once he didn't care if he acted like a bloody poof. His heart was broken and damn it all to hell, he hurt. He felt awful and broody and for once, he was going to go with it. He pulled out his smokes and defiantly pulled out one.

Then the sodden slayer's voice played in his head like a broken damn record set to drive him nuts. He growled in pain and anguish. To hell with it... He lit his cigarette. He took a long drag. "I really am love's bitch..." He turned on his heel, shuffling his feet towards the cemetery. His normal swaying saunter just gave way to depression. He was only half way down the block by the time his light was gone. He lit another. He needed to get good and drunk and then get the hell outta Sunnyhell. It really had seen some serious whoopings of his ass, but tonight may have been the worst night of his life. Strike that, second worse night of his life. Flashbacks of weeping over Buffy's dead body corroded his heart and mind. Her rejection tonight hurt more than anything he could've imagined, well almost anything. To see her live and hate him would not nearly hurt as much as to see her frail, weak body sprawled out and lifeless, again. He knew he’d never be able to fully escape this place though.

Only one thing kept him here, kept him from running away... Dawn. No matter how much Buffy rejected him, Bite Size always needed him and he had promised her. For that he was grateful, and at the same time, bloody regretful. As long as he stayed in Sunny D keeping an eye on Nibblet, his undead heart would be completely miserable. So be it.

If he'd die for Dawn, he'd suffer torture for her as well. At least someone believed he was capable of love. He only wished he could prove it to someone else. But, Summers women were stubborn that way. That he knew well. He decided to visit the last of the lot of them tonight, on his way back. Maybe she'd know what to tell him...

Dawn shrugged Riley's arm away from her. "I'm not your lil buddy Riley, and sorry to say I wish YOU were the one Buffy wanted to stake."

Riley frowned. "Dawn, what did I ever do to make you feel this way?"

She glared at him. "Not that I owe you any explanation what so ever, but you suck. You left Buffy just when she needed you most."

"I heard about your mom, I am sorry..." Riley apologized.

"Yeah well, that was only the half of it..." Dawn raised her brows, turning her head away. Her eyes welled with tears. She blinked them back.

"What else happened Dawnie?" he questioned.

"Nothing you need to hear from me...." she huffed. "Why did you decide to come back now Riley? Why couldn't you have just stayed away?" she snapped.

"Well, I'm sorry you felt that way Dawn, but I missed your sister a great deal. I want to make amends," he explained.

"Well beating up on Spike isn't going to change her mind. Regardless of how Buffy's feelings for Spike differ from mine, I know she thinks of him in a slightly higher regard than most vamps. He risked a lot for us." they approached the Summer’s home.

"Like what, Dawn? He's already dead!" Riley argued.

"And he'd die again, for either one of us..." Dawn shot back acidly, defending her best friend.

"Why would he do that?" Riley asked, disbelieving.

"For love..." Dawn stared him down. "Something you obviously know nothing about, Riley Finn." She broke him down with a penetrating glare. He remained silent, speechless at the ferocity of her anger towards him. After a minute, she snorted and shook her head, turning to walk into her house. She stalked up to the door and unlocked it with her key without a backwards glance at her sister’s errant boyfriend. "Goodbye, Riley."

He watched as she locked the door behind her, shutting him out.

Part IV
Cocoa and Music

Spike plopped down on the soft grass. He frowned, staring at the tombstone in front of him. He touched the cool stile, making sure it was real. " 'Allo mum..." he whispered. "Sure could use some of your hot cocoa..."

The thing he loved most about Joyce Summer's cocoa was her special presence that came with it. She, much like Dawn, always treated him with kindness and generosity. She saw past the monster in him, and Spike made no quorums about it. He was indeed a monster. He thought of all the people to see past it, it would be Buffy, because she had always wanted the same thing Spike wanted. She wanted someone who would see past the Slayer and see Buffy Summers.

"How's heaven been treating you, mum?" he murmured with affection. "They got those cool marshmallows there?" he smiled fondly. "I wish I could erase time and bring you back. I know you weren't really on my side or anythin’... but I really could use your help with the Slay... Buffy..." he paused, heart shattering. "I messed up real good this time, luv..." he sighed, overcome with sadness.

He sat and talked, whispered and even said nothing at all until the telltale signs of the sun rising began to show. He bid the resting place a goodbye, with a short smile.

"Thanks for the talk, mum... Until next time," he grazed the tombstone in finality. Then he walked backwards, eyes not coming off the tombstone. He finally turned and headed for his crypt before he turned into dust.

The morning sun crept into the kitchen windows as Dawn and Buffy sat at the table in silence. The only sounds were of spoons dipping into cereal bowls. Buffy eyed her sister, wondering what she was angry about. "So, you gonna talk to me at all this morning?"

"Not if I didn’t have to," Dawn shrugged, anger burning inside her.

"What did I do?" Buffy frowned.

Dawn glared at her, her tone not softening. "You acted like a real jerk! Sometimes, you can be so mean I wonder if it’s you that doesn't have the heart..."

Buffy sighed, her temper rising a bit. "You were eavesdropping last night?"

"Yeah... heard Spike climb in..." Dawn crossed her arms. "Don't try to turn this around on me Buffy."

"It's not nice to eavesdrop Dawnie," Buffy scolded.

"And it’s not nice to treat your friend the way you did! He was only trying to help you! Not get in your pants!" Dawn fought back.

"Dawn!" Buffy's eyes widened. "Really! C'mon..."

"It's the truth! He was just telling you what was in his heart. And he does have one Buffy. He risked his life, be it may that he's already dead, he'd have died again for real for us!" Dawn continued. "Can't you see past the monster? It's not him anymore! He's changed!"

"Because of a chip, Dawnie. Because of a tiny, electronic chip!" Buffy tried to reason. "If that chip were to ever malfunction we'd all be in real danger from Spike! He's a master vampire!"

"Than why hadn't you killed him before the chip?!" Dawn protested. "And if you really thought it was all because of the chip would you really let him in my life, in our lives? If you thought for one second he could only be acting this way because of the chip, you wouldn't have re-invited him in or into our lives!"

Buffy didn't have an answer for her. Her anger was at its boiling point. She was the adult, not Dawn. "Look Dawn, we're not discussing this any further. Spike had been a great help and I do want to keep him as a friend and trust him further, but right now I don't know what to think of him." she paused, wishing she'd treated him better last night."

"Riley attacked him," Dawn tattled. "Last night, after Spike left. I followed him. I don't care if you punish me for leaving the house, but I couldn't let Spike leave like that." Dawn continued on in a rush. "When I caught up to him, Riley was attacking."

"What?" Buffy gaped.

"He came up with a lame excuse that he was afraid Spike hurt you... like he could..." Dawn snorted. "I think he just beats up on him now cuz he knows he can..."

"Enough Dawn..." Buffy snapped. She ran a hand through he blonde hair.

Dawn glared. "I can't bel..."

"Dawn, I said stop. Please, I can't take anymore this morning," Buffy's mind was spinning with information. Her heart went out to Spike again. Yet, she couldn't believe Riley would just attack Spike with no cause. She'd speak to both of them later about it. If she could face Spike. "Let's get you to school,” she sighed. "We'll talk more at the Bronze."

That night at the Bronze, Spike held his promise to Dawn and showed up. When he walked in, his eyes drifted on Buffy and his whole being lifted. He couldn't help but want to smile. The smile faded though when she turned and frowned at him.

Dawn ran over and hugged Spike. "You're here!"

"Easy Pint Size," Spike eased the young girl off of him. "Don't want to piss of big sis...” he paused. "Anymore…"

"Screw her," Dawn waved.

" 'm not big on affection anyway, Nibblet...." Spike chuckled.

"Sure Spike," she rolled her eyes. "C'mon Xander's waiting for us at the pool table!" she gripped his cool hand and never once flinched from the coldness.

Spike found her energy infectious, but when his eyes fell on Buffy his cold heart seized to beat again.

Buffy watched Spike from across the club, where she sat with Wills, Tara, Riley and Anya. She felt sad seeing Spike's expression, but she saw him pick up a bit at a joke Dawn told him.

"You want him to leave?" Riley began to stand.

"No," Buffy ordered. "Spike's fine with Dawn. Leave them alone." she glared at Riley, not having the opportunity to talk to him about last night yet.

From across the room Spike was watching Xander set up the pool table, his eyes kept drifting back to Buffy. The music in the club slowed down and a familiar ballad started. Couples drifted to the floor. Buffy and Riley included.

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd meet shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

Spike felt the words hit home and he felt suffocated suddenly. The vampire hadn't needed to breathe in over a 100 years, but suddenly he felt as if he was choking. He set down the cue and put a hand on Dawn's shoulder, steadying himself.

"What? What is it?" Dawn asked worried.

He shook his head, trying not to worry her. "I'm fine, just need...need to go outside a minute..."

"I'll go with…”

"No...Stay with Xander. Play... I'll be...right...back..." Spike wheezed.

Xander watched Dawn worriedly as Spike jogged out of the Bronze, seeming as if he was about to pass out. "What happened?"

"I don't know...” Dawn pouted. "I should go after him..."

"Stay Dawn, you heard him..." Xander warned. She bit her lip with worry.

Buffy saw Spike run out of the Bronze, looking like he was in trouble. She left Riley on the dance floor and ran after him.

Spike burst into the cool air and took a deep, shaking breath. His eyes shone with some deeper meaning and he mentally cursed the singer of the song, because this was obviously a sick joke to get a rise out of him. He growled, almost out of control, before pulling out his smokes and lighter, hoping to calm his nerves.

"Spike!" Buffy called, running down the alley after him.

She found him around the corner, leaning against the wall, arms around himself as he shakily smoked on a cigarette. He stared straight ahead, but she knew he knew she was there. He always knew where she was. And she could always feel him, too. He didn’t turn his head, didn’t acknowledge that anything might have been wrong. But she saw the dash from the club. She saw that pained look on his face, and she couldn’t help but want to be there for him, in spite of everything that was happening right now. She tried to convince herself that it was simply in her nature to do such a thing, but looking at him there, she wondered why she didn’t just let him go, if she really was as mad at him or loathed him as much as she told herself she did.

She leaned against the wall next to him, shoving her hands into her jacket pocket absently. She waited for something from him, some indication of what she should do. He kept looking ahead for a while, calming himself inside. Buffy stood next to him, back to the wall, quietly. She was waiting for him to say something. Presumably, something stupid again, so he could get yelled at some more. He was tempted to just go home, walk straight to his crypt and drink himself into blessed oblivion. But, he had promised Dawn. And he realized, that with all the wrong he had done here, he wasn’t about to shatter the one thing he had done right. They stood for a few more minutes, just like that, quiet, and awkward and silent, listening to the soft music drifting to them from the Bronze.

If you knew what I knew
You wouldn't say what you said
If you knew what I knew
We'd be together instead
Of you breaking my heart
With things that aren't true
My lady, yes,
If you knew what I knew

Time passes by
The only tears I cry
Are filled with this illusion
Fears I have inside
Like a lost soul
I feel like I'm all alone
If only I could feel your pain
Within your heart of stone
I wish, I may
I wish, I might
Be that certain someone
You wish for every night

If you knew what I knew
You wouldn't say what you said
If you knew what I knew
We'd be together instead
Of you breaking my heart
With things that aren't true
My lady, yes,
If you knew what I knew

They listened in silence, until Spike couldn’t take it anymore. Until he couldn’t ignore the blasted song and the blasted words and every damn thing that the Slayer made him feel. He tried, in any case. “Why did you come out here, Slayer?”

She looked at him in surprise, so caught up in her thoughts, as if she hadn’t expected him to say a word, let alone ask her that. In all honesty, she really didn’t know why she was here, either. It had just seemed like the right place to be. The right time. It was just, right. “I… I saw you run, I wanted to, I don’t know,” she sighed.

“You wanted to what?” he pushed, actually looking at her this time.

He always pushed, she realized. He always brought her to the edge, made her see herself. He didn’t let her run away from herself. She hated him for it. She hated how he made her feel when he did it. “I wanted to make sure you were all right,” she admitted, seeing the intense look on his face.

"I’m okay,” he said quietly. As an afterthought, he realized he was smoking again, and the Slayer was there. He tossed the cigarette on the floor and snubbed it out with the toe of his boot, expelling the last of the smog from his lungs. “I just…”

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out, because she knew there was no other way to do this. She couldn’t just lean back and let him be the scapegoat whenever her life was in upheaval. He was easy to put in those shoes, and she realized no friend, human or not, deserved that sort of abuse.

He looked at her, not believing he heard what he just heard. He wondered if he should get his ears cleaned. “Er, come again, Buffy?”

“I’m sorry. For yelling at you last night.”

He sighed inwardly. Last night. He just wanted to push the memory of it away, pretend it had never happened. But he knew it had. He knew they had to do something about it, or be forced into this awkward, quiet relationship that neither of them wanted. “No, luv, I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have tried to influence your answer in anyway, but I just couldn’t bloody well stand the thought of that git…er…Riley…making you cry anymore.”

She looked down at the floor, still leaning against the wall. “I talked to Dawn today. Or at least, she talked at me. I tried to tell her that it was all because of the chip. I tried to be all, “Spike’s only helping because of the chip, and the second he gets it out, he’ll kill us all…” she sighed, looking at him out of the corner of her eye. Hurt flashed across his features for a brief moment, so brief that she almost wondered if it had been her imagination in the first place. But he didn’t say anything. His jaw clenched and unclenched a little, but there was no other reaction. She took a deep breath, before going on. “I’ve been thinking about this all day, trying to figure out what I believe. I saw you in the Bronze just then, and I thought you’d come to pick a fight with Riley.” She chuckled a little, but realized she had gone off topic. He was just looking at her, head cocked to the side curiously, hands stuffed into duster pockets. “You’re my friend, right, Spike?”

He looked positively aghast at the question. “Buffy, if you don’t know by now, luv…”

She stopped him. “Yes, I know. You are my friend. And last night, you were only telling me what you thought. I shouldn’t have gotten all worked up about it, read things into it that might or might not have been there.”

He sighed, and withdrew his hands from his pockets. “I think…” he looked downward, realizing what he was about to say might not be as profound as it felt. “I think we both mucked up a bit, luv.”

She couldn’t help but chuckle a little at his awkwardness. It was such a human quality of his, positively mortal and adorable in its normalcy. “Yeah. I guess we did. Mess up, that is.” She turned and looked up at him, all nervous and hopeful in the moonlight. “Should we go back then? Dawn might worry.”

He nodded. “Yeah. We should.” He turned around and they walked side by side down the alley. “Er…Buffy?”

“Yeah?”

“Could I…if you and Riley aren’t… I mean…”

She instinctively knew what he was thinking. It wasn’t hard with him; they could read each other so well that it frightened them both at times. It was as if they were completely transparent to one another. She wondered if she should be scared at the concept, but decided to ignore it for now. “Spike, would you dance with me?”

His mouth quirked into a self-depreciating little half-smile, and his gaze wandered down towards his shoes. This vampire, this intense, passionate vampire that radiated sex appeal and danger and edginess, looked shy. She smiled at the thought. “Yes.”

She touched his arm, without thinking. “C’mon. Then you and Xand can catch up on your manly pool game.”

[previous] - [next]
[to return to the archive, close this window]