Chapter 11
Control

Buffy was lying on her bed when she heard the front door slam, so she guessed that Dawn was home. She had no idea where Spike was, and she couldn't work out how she felt about that. She was so confused, and had no idea what to do. Willow had told her to do what she wanted, but the problem was that she didn't know what that was.

She had admitted to herself that she did find Spike attractive, and she had told Willow that she thought she was falling in love. That was what scared her. She'd worked it out. She wasn't afraid of loving him, she was afraid that he would stop loving her. She was afraid that as soon as she surrendered herself to him, he would lose interest and leave her. She wouldn't be able to handle that.

Not again.

There was something about his mannerisms lately that made her think of Angel and Riley. She didn't want that, it was the whole 'been there, done that' scenario. They hadn't worked for her, even though she had loved them. She'd loved Angel so much, and she'd sent him to Hell to save the world. And still he'd come back for her. But when he left, it had scarred her. He had said he was going for her own good, so she could have a normal relationship, a normal life.

What did a normal life matter when he was the first man she ever loved?

Riley was different. As she thought about it, she realised that Xander had been right. She had been treating Riley like the rebound guy, and that hadn't been fair. He had been a great guy, and sweet, but he was just so… inept. He had never been able to really be there for her. When her mother had gotten sick, Riley hadn't known what to do. It had seemed like he was afraid of even holding her, when that had been the thing she'd needed most. Someone to comfort her and tell her it would all be okay. He hadn't been able to do that. They'd never really clicked the way she had with Angel.

The whole Initiative thing wasn't so great either.

Spike was different, usually. He kept her on her toes, kept her thinking. He didn't need protecting, and he believed enough in her to let her fight her own battles. He worried about her, but he didn't try and stop her doing her job. He helped, like Angel had, but he wasn't always looking over his shoulder to make sure she was still alive. He didn't tell her to run and hide when things started to get hairy.

He loved her, but he also understood her.

He knew she needed that bit of freedom. He was bad-ass enough that she didn't have to worry about the evil things in the night coming after him. Usually. Recently, Spike had been more like steady, stability guy, than his usual tough guy big bad routine. If he thought he had to be that for her to love him, he was dead wrong. If he did that for too long, he'd leave, and she knew it.

To love him, she needed him to be himself.

She refused to open her heart just to get it broken again.

Belatedly she realised that Dawn hadn't come up to see her yet, and she wondered what was wrong. Ever since she had found out she was the Key and their mother had died Dawn had always at least called out to tell Buffy she was home. Resigning herself to having to deal with people, Buffy slowly got up and headed downstairs.

She found Dawn in the kitchen making herself a sandwich. She walked over and sat at the bench, and suddenly remembered something.

"Oh my god Dawnie, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot to pick to up."

Dawn put down the knife she was using and looked at Buffy, her eyes soft. "It's okay. Xander swung by the magic shop and gave me a lift. Willow told me you weren't really feeling well." Dawn hadn't believed what Willow told her for a second, and as soon as she saw Buffy she could tell she was confused and upset.

Buffy's expression was questioning when Dawn mentioned Willow. Dawn noticed, and elaborated. "She said you were feeling a bit sick. Someone really needs to teach her to lie properly, I didn't buy it at all. Do you want to talk about it?"

Buffy smiled slightly and shook her head. "Willow never could keep a secret," she paused. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I'm just a little confused, that's all. I never know what to do any more."

Dawn walked around the table and gave her sister a hug. "Everything will be fine, you'll see." Disengaging herself from her sisters arms, she grabbed her sandwich and flashed Buffy a quick grin. She whispered something into her ear, and then turned and left the kitchen.

Buffy stared after her sister, amazed at how perceptive she was becoming, her final words doing reruns in her mind.

"Don't worry. He'll never leave you."

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It was just beginning to get dark when Spike drove through Sunnydale on his way back to the Summers' house. He wondered if Buffy had calmed down yet, and was actually a bit nervous about just walking through the door. The Slayer did have a temper on her after all, and he still wasn't completely healed from Glory's ministrations.

He was a couple of streets away from the Magic Box when he saw something that made him itch. He couldn't quite see details properly from this distance, but it looked like a group of people were dragging someone into an alley. Cursing, he pulled over and parked his car. He grabbed a light axe he had on the back seat, and quietly approached the group.

By the time he got close, he realised that his original guess for the situation was only half right. Someone had been attacked, but not by people. Spike immediately recognised Glory's minions, and wished he had a bigger axe.

There were about seven of them, and it looked like whoever they were attacking had already been subdued. They were grouped around a figure that was slumped on the ground apparently discussing the best way to carry them. Spike tried to get a better look at the unconscious figure, and caught a flash of long blond hair.

Spike immediately jumped into action. He emerged from his hiding place and swung his axe, decapitating the first one before they had even noticed him. A second fell just as quickly, but the remaining five had realised what was happening. One of the five carried some rope, and another was holding a large branch, but other than that they were unarmed. Unfortunately, they all stood between him and the unconscious girl.

Spike settled into a more comfortable stance and raised his axe. Five of Glory's stupid minions who didn't have weapons. Shouldn't be too hard. He shot forward and lashed out, and the one with the branch went down, a gaping wound in his chest. He spun around, his arm extended, and the rope guy fell, it's face a bloody mess.

Three.

Spike moved back out of range, playing it cautiously. Last time he'd seen these guys they'd kidnapped him, so they did have some strength. A well aimed blow at the base of his skull would knock him out just like anyone else. Though it looked like he wouldn't really have to worry about that as he watched them cowering in fear.

'How pathetic,' he thought. 'Leave it to someone like Glory to surround herself with cowards and morons.'

He let his game face come out as his thoughts turned to Glory. As the muscles in his face shifted and his teeth lengthened, Spike felt something inside him snap. He leapt at the three cowering minions, his mind in a haze. All he could see was Glory, and what she had done to him, what she'd done to Buffy, what she would do with the Nibblet if she ever got her hands on her.

Slowly he realised that his axe was no longer meeting any resistance, and the fog lifted from his mind. As his eyes cleared he looked around him, and was sickened by what he saw. The alley walls were splattered with blood, and the ground was worse. Seven dead and mutilated figures lay around him, all without heads, many missing limbs also. The one right in front of him was the worst. His axe had gone right through it. Vertically. It was literally cut in half in front of him, his axe having sliced from groin to throat, before twisting to take off the head.

Tearing his eyes away, Spike looked around for the girl. Everything was so covered in blood, it was assaulting his senses, making him crazy. He couldn't tell if there was any human blood mixed in with the demon, there was too much of it and the smell was too strong. Whatever he was now, he was still a vampire, and large amounts of blood, any kind of blood, will send a vampire's senses reeling.

Finding it increasingly hard to concentrate Spike looked around the alley, trying to block out what he was seeing. Finally, he saw her slumped down against one of the walls of the alley, hidden in the shadows and fortunately out of the worst of the blood bath.

The blond hair was obvious now, despite being dirty and splattered lightly with blood. Spike sighed with relief as he realised that he had been right that the girl was not Buffy. She hadn't smelled like her before, and even on the ground her figure had seemed too tall for the tiny Slayer. But she was still a human, and Buffy would have expected him to save her, especially from that bloody hellbitch.

Spike walked over to the girl and crouched down beside her pushing her hair from her face. He almost fell over in shock when he realised he was looking at the witch's girlfriend. She was coming up with a bad bruise on one cheek, and she had a small cut over one eye, but other than that she looked all right. Spike was relieved - Red was Buffy's best friend, and she and blondie here were obviously very close, and since Glory was behind this, losing Tara would have been a shocking blow for the Slayer.

Spike knew that the girl in front of him meant more than that, but at that moment he didn't really care. He liked the witches enough, they were good people, but he loved Buffy and Dawn, and he was not going to let anything happen to them. Glory had obviously planned to provoke Buffy in some way, make her do something stupid. Either that or she was still looking for Dawn, and he didn't know if the witch would have been able to survive Glory's interrogation without talking.

Looking around the alley again, Spike shuddered. Something had to be done, this had gone on for long enough. Glory was pushing their limits, and something really bad was going to happen when they snapped.

He let his features slide back into his human visage, and picked up Tara, cradling her in his arms. He looked out into the street and made sure there was nobody around before he made a dash for his car. He was covered in blood, and he didn't think he should be seen, especially with an unconscious girl and an axe.

It was full dark now, and he managed to get Tara into his car without being noticed. He drove straight to the magic shop, hoping someone would still be there. He swore when he saw the lights were off, and continued past without stopping. Buffy's house was the only other place he could think of to take her, and he had to face Buffy sooner or later. Maybe with something to take her mind off it, their situation wouldn't be so awkward.

He pulled his car into the driveway, and got the blond witch out as carefully as he could. He still wasn't sure if she'd been seriously hurt, but she was still unconscious, and that wasn't good. He slammed the car door with his foot, and made it to the porch when the front door opened and Dawn was standing there gaping at him.

Dawn didn't know what to think. She'd heard a door slam and assumed Spike was back, but she would never have expected what she saw when she opened the door. Spike was completely covered in blood, and he had some around his mouth as well, dripping from his chin as though he'd been eating like an animal. He was also carrying Tara, who appeared to be unconscious and was also splattered with blood, though not so much as Spike. Dawn's first thought was that they had been attacked, but the blood around his mouth made her doubt her confidence in Spike. The slightly crazed look in his eyes wasn't helping either.

Spike seemed to know what Dawn was thinking. He shook his head. "Get your sister, Nibblet. Glory tried to take the witch." Spike's voice was tired, and Dawn suddenly understood all the blood. She raced into the kitchen where Buffy was about to start making dinner and told her about Spike and Tara. Buffy went to get the first aid kit, and Dawn went back to the door where Spike was still waiting with Tara. Dawn thought it was so sweet that he didn't want to get blood on their carpet.

"Spike, just put Tara on the bench in the kitchen and then go and have a shower. You look gross, and we can take care of her."

Spike nodded, and heeled off his boots before coming inside. He went into the kitchen and layed Tara gently on the bench that Buffy had cleared off, and headed upstairs to take a shower. He felt dirty, but no amount of water was going to wash it off. He passed Buffy on the stairs, and continued up without looking at her. How could he, after what he had done?

She was right. He really was a monster.

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Buffy stared as Spike walked past her, not looking at her, but careful not to touch her. Seeing him covered in blood was definitely a shock, but it was his demeanour that alerted her to something different. There was something about him that she'd never seen in him before. Quiet, subdued, head bowed… something was wrong. Spike, the self-assured smartass that he was, had never been anything but cocky and confident. The person who had just passed her on the stairs was not Spike. Not the one she knew.

Spike wasn't himself. He looked almost… depressed. Buffy almost understood why when she entered the kitchen and saw Tara laid out on the bench. Dawn was doing her best to clean the blood off her, and Buffy could see that there were already dirty cloths in the sink. A large bruise was covering one side of Tara's face, and she had a nasty gash over one eyebrow. She really wasn't a pretty picture.

Buffy asked if she had regained consciousness at all, and Dawn shook her head. That worried Buffy, but she wasn't entirely sure what she could do. She knew Spike couldn't have taken her straight to the hospital, not with them looking like they were. She wasn't sure a hospital was even a good idea.

Dawn seemed to have been thinking along the same lines. "Should we take her to the hospital?"

Buffy shook her head. "I don't know. We may have to, but we should probably get everyone over here first."

Dawn nodded. "I called Willow and Giles while you were upstairs. Giles said he'd call Xander and Anya. I think they'll all be here as soon as possible."

Buffy was impressed with her sister's foresight. Opening the first aid kit she'd gotten from the bathroom, Buffy began to do the best she could with Tara's cut. "It should probably be Willow's decision about whether she goes to the hospital or not."

Dawn didn't say anything. She could see how unsettled Buffy was, but she didn't think Tara was the only person she was worrying about. Dawn had seen the haunted look in Spike's eyes, and if Buffy had seen it… she couldn't even begin to predict her reaction.

The silence was broken when the front door crashed open and Willow ran into the kitchen a second later. When she saw Tara she let out a small cry, and Dawn couldn't tell if it was relief or horror. Dawn and Buffy both moved away from the bench, and Willow quickly moved to take over Buffy's position of doctoring Tara's cut. Tears ran slowly down her cheeks, and Buffy and Dawn stayed as unobtrusive as possible without leaving. Neither wanted to leave Willow completely alone.

Buffy stood with Dawn in her arms, not sure who needed the comfort more. Her heart went out to Willow, but her thoughts had turned to Spike. Despite the nasty cut and the bruise, Tara looked like she would survive.

Spike hadn't.

There had been something eating at him as he walked up the stairs. She hadn't even been able to see his face, but he hadn't been able to even raise his eyes to acknowledge her presence. When she had seen the amount of blood that had covered Spike, Buffy had felt sick to her stomach, she had been close enough to smell it, to almost feel the viscosity of it. She had seen enough blood in her time to have been able to tell immediately that it hadn't been human, but it was still disgusting.

She would have thought Spike would have been used to it. Even though he'd never been as sadistic as Angelus, he had been a monster. He shouldn't have minded. It shouldn't have bothered him so much. But it was bothering him, and she really needed to find out why. She also needed to know how he got that covered in blood. She had a feeling the two were connected. The answer to one would explain the other.

Dawn shifted slightly in Buffy's arms when Xander, Anya, and Giles arrived. Buffy held her close, finally deciding that it probably wasn't her sister that needed the contact most. Willow was sitting at the bench holding Tara's hand, having done the best she could for her cut. She hadn't said a word since she had arrived, and Buffy and Dawn had let her be.

Giles took one look at Tara and said something under his breath, and Buffy had no doubt it wasn't complimentary. Xander walked over and gave Willow a quick hug which she gratefully returned, but then moved back over to where Anya was standing, apparently sensing Willow's desire to be alone near Tara.

Giles had no such restraint. Despite the sympathy in his eyes, someone had to be the rational one. "Willow," he said softly, "we should take her to the hospital."

When Willow looked up at him, her eyes were filled with pain, love, and a hundred other conflicting emotions. Giles could sense her objections. "It's really the best thing for her. You can't do anything more."

Willow looked like she still wasn't convinced, but she nodded anyway. It was reluctant, but it was agreement. Giles immediately left the room to call an ambulance, deciding it was safer than carrying Tara out to his car to drive her himself. When he re-entered the room, nobody had moved.

He moved over and put a hand on Willow's shoulder. "They'll be here soon. You'll go with them?" Willow nodded. "All right. We will follow after. We're all here for you."

Willow nodded again, but her eyes stayed on Tara's prone form. Giles dropped his hand and moved away, having done all he could think of to comfort her. The room was silent again, and there wasn't another word spoken until the ambulance arrived.

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Buffy watched as the ambulance drove off. Everyone else had decided to go to the hospital in case Tara woke up, and to be there for Willow. Dawn wouldn't have gone, but Buffy asked her to. There was something she needed to do, and she didn't want anyone else around.

It was time to deal with Spike.

She hadn't seen him since he had gone upstairs to take a shower, and she was worried. He was still in the house, she could sense his presence, but there was something wrong with him and she needed to find out what.

She locked the front door, and then headed up the stairs. Her feet moved with some reluctance, she wasn't really looking forward to this, but it had to be done. A Spike that wasn't Spike could be dangerous. He'd changed once, who's to say he wouldn't change again? She hadn't thought he would, not as long as he believed he had a reason for being good, but if he got depressed…

The long and short of it was that Spike had to stay Spike.

Buffy reached the top of the stairs, and walked straight to the bathroom. Spike was still inside, and she wasn't sure if she should knock or just go straight in. Remembering that Spike had been in the bathroom to take a shower, Buffy decided that it was probably better to knock. The bathroom was the one room where she really shouldn't just walk in on Spike.

Actually…

Buffy shook her head and tried to ignore the flush that had crept up on her face. Taking a minute to calm herself, she raised her hand and knocked.

Spike didn't answer. He didn't feel like talking to anyone, and especially not to Buffy. Not after what he'd done. He'd failed, and he'd lied to her. How could he face that?

"Spike, we have to talk. You know we have to, or you would have left. I need to know what's wrong, Spike." Buffy did her best to keep her voice calm. She needed to be persuasive, and she knew she couldn't afford to get pissed off.

There was silence from the other side of the door. Buffy waited, sure Spike would let her in when he was ready. Eventually, Spike's voice came softly through the door.

"It's open."

Buffy took a deep breath and opened the door. She couldn't see Spike right away, but then she noticed him sitting against one of the walls, his knees pulled to his chest and his head down. He hadn't dressed, and had only a towel wrapped around his waist. Buffy saw his clothing lying in a bloody puddle on the floor. She noticed Spike was sitting as far away from the blood as possible.

Carefully stepping over the mess, Buffy slowly approached Spike. She crouched down in front of him, but he did not raise his head to look at her. From this close, she could see the hole in his chest and also some bruising on his ribs. She forced herself to ignore his physical injuries. They weren't the problem right now.

Buffy put her fingers under his chin and gently raised his head. He finally lifted his eyes to meet hers, and she was absolutely stunned by what she saw in them. Pain, guilt, remorse, hate, love.

Something about his eyes sparked something in her memory. What she was seeing now was everything she saw in Angel's eyes in the moment he got his soul back. Everything and more. She couldn't understand it. Spike may have changed, but he still didn't have a soul. It didn't really matter to her so much any more, but the comparison was accurate.

Buffy suddenly found she was terrified.

In an instant she realised how much of a fixture Spike had become in her life. Seeing him the way he was… it wasn't right. Spike shouldn't be like this. She needed the Spike that was cocky and confident. And she could tell that right now, his mental and emotional state was going to depend on her, and she had no idea what to do. She didn't know how to fix this.

Drawing in a shuddering breath, Buffy made a decision. No matter what he was feeling and how he was acting, hiding underneath was still a Spike she knew. She grabbed one of his wrists and yanked him to his feet, not bothering to keep a tight rein on her strength. Spike could handle it.

Spike had a moment to look surprised before Buffy dragged him out of the bathroom. Despite his funk, he couldn't help a moment of curiosity. What was she doing?

Buffy dragged him along the hall and virtually threw him through the open door of her bedroom. Since Spike's faculties had almost deserted him, he lacked his usual grace as he tripped and went sprawling on the floor by Buffy's bed.

Buffy closed the door behind her and crossed the floor to where Spike was. She stood in front of him, arms crossed.

"Get up, Spike."

Spike raised his head. Buffy's tone implied that she would not take no for an answer, and her expression told him that if he did refuse, she'd probably lift him up by his hair. Spike almost didn't care, but he got slowly to his feet. Buffy jabbed a finger at her bed, and Spike sat.

Buffy had no idea what was wrong with Spike. He was never compliant. He should have been pissed off by now. He should have been angry, fighting with her. Why wasn't he? Buffy let her eyes slide from his face, and instantly jerked them back up. Spike was still only wearing a towel around his waist and despite the situation, Buffy had to force herself not to blush at the thoughts that flashed through her mind. It really wasn't the time for that.

Then again, maybe it was.

Buffy reached out and grabbed the back of Spike's head. She forced him to stand up again, and then lifted her head and pressed her mouth hard against his.

Spike stood shocked for an instant. The feel of Buffy's lips on his had brought him fully back to reality. He would have liked to respond, to experience something he'd been fantasising about for years, but reality brought the full weight of his shame to the front of his mind. He allowed himself a moment to store the memory in his mind forever before he pulled away without having really kissed her back. He couldn't let her corrupt herself by touching him.

Buffy was surprised, and suddenly even more worried. If Spike was too upset to even respond when she kissed him, she really had no idea what to do. She looked into his eyes and held back a sigh of relief. At least he was fully aware of his surroundings now. Hopefully that meant she'd made some impression. She decided that now was probably a good time to talk before he went semi-catatonic again.

"Are you going to tell me what this is all about, Spike? Or am I going to have to beat it out of you?" Buffy kept her voice hard, trying to get Spike to respond.

Spike looked at her, his eyes steady. "Maybe you should. I definitely deserve it."

Forget acting, thought Buffy. He really was beginning to irritate her now. "The way you're behaving, maybe you need it. What's up with you?"

Spike tried to ignore how hot Buffy looked when she was pissed. He may have hated himself at the moment, but that didn't mean he'd stopped loving her. Spike cursed himself for a fool. He couldn't afford to let his mind wander. He had to get away from her, it was the only thing he could do for her. How could he ever have believed he'd really changed?

He took a moment to collect himself. He had to tell her something, give her a reason. "I'm sorry Slayer, but who're we bloody kidding? I'm a monster, and we both know it."

With his words, Spike shattered Buffy's stability. He was going to leave her. He was going to leave, just like Angel did. Spike was the man she had thought would never leave her, the one man she wouldn't drive away from her. It was the one thing she'd feared the most.

"You're leaving." Buffy's voice was tiny.

Spike hated the hurt on her face, but if he didn't leave he would destroy everything that was her.

"You promised. You promised, and Dawn said… you said you'd never leave me. I can't… I need you to be here… there's too much…" Buffy gave up all semblance of control and fell to her knees, sobbing in her hands.

Spike knelt down in front of her and gathered her into his arms. He had to leave, but he didn't have to leave her like this. "Pet, shhh…. Don't cry. You know I'm a monster. I can't be here, you should a staked me long ago."

Buffy had her face buried in Spike's shoulder, and even through her distress fleetingly wondered how Spike had become the one in control here. Her words came out in ragged breaths. "You're not… you're not a monster any more, Spike. You… you proved that, remember. You're good now… you said you were good now…"

Every word Buffy said drove pain through Spike's heart. He had said that, and he had meant it, but he'd been lying anyway. He stroked Buffy's hair, enjoying the feeling of holding her, even if he would never get to do it again. "I thought I could be, luv. I wanted to be. But what I did this afternoon… only a monster could do that."

Buffy lifter her head to look Spike in the eyes. Her face was wet from her tears, but her expression was serious. "What did you do?"

Spike lowered his gaze. "Nothing I want you to hear about."

Buffy forced him to look at her again. "Spike, what did you do? I know you came home covered in blood, but I know it wasn't human. You killed demons to save Tara, and that's not something a monster would do." Buffy was getting herself back under control.

Spike swallowed, trying to find the words to describe what he'd done. "I don't know if you could understand. I… I didn't just… I didn't just kill them. I don't know what happened, I just bloody lost it or something. I saw the girl, and Glory's minions, and I just went crazy. The moment I changed, all I could see was red. I didn't know what I was doing. I had an axe, and I…" His voice cracked as he remembered the alley and the bodies that he'd hacked to bits.

Buffy suddenly understood. From the amount of blood that had covered Spike, he must have done a lot of damage. Tara had been pretty covered as well, which told Buffy that what Spike had done to those demons had involved a lot of hacking and slashing. And if he hadn't realised what he was doing, he had obviously come to the conclusion that he could lose it at any time and turn on her and her friends.

Buffy shifted herself around in his arms and slapped him up the head. "What're you, stupid? So you got angry, big deal. So you tore apart some of Glory's pathetic minions. Good for you. Who cares how messy it was? They worked for Glory, for god's sake. They were kidnapping Tara, and she's now in the hospital. They damn well deserved it, Spike."

Spike shook his head. "Buffy, luv, that's not…"

"Not the point?" Buffy interrupted. "No. The point is you think you'll lose it again one day and turn on us, isn't it?" Spike nodded mutely, and Buffy slapped him again. "You're an idiot, did you know that? You're not a monster any more. We all get that angry once in a while, and for people like you and me, we need to take it out on something. Glory's minions happened to be your something."

Buffy looked him straight in the eyes and dared him to contradict her. "You stopped being a monster a long time ago Spike, and I'm sorry I've never really told you that before. I think you really need to hear it now. You're not a monster, and you've just proved it again. Would a monster care that he'd killed some demons? Would a monster leave people he loved because he thought it was the best thing for them, no matter how he felt? I don't think so."

Buffy watched as her words had an impact on Spike. After a moment, his eyes lost some of the haunted look that had plagued them, and he gave her a small smile. "Bloody stupid, aren't I pet?"

Buffy nodded and hugged him. She was still cradled in Spike's arms on the floor of her bedroom, and she noticed that his arms tightened about her after she let go of him. "Does this mean you're not leaving then?" she asked.

Spike gave her a thoughtful look. "Well, luv… I don't know…"

Buffy tried to move so she could punch him, but his arms tightened around her even more and she found she couldn't move. Spike chuckled and kissed her on the cheek. "Of course I'll stay, Slayer. Who else is going to keep you on your toes?"

Spike's kiss made Buffy remember that she'd kissed him as well. She tried to keep her tone light and her embarrassment and uncertainty out of her voice. "Right now you're keeping me on my butt. Are you planning on letting me get up anytime soon?"

Spike considered it. "No, not really. I don't think I want to let you go."

Buffy flushed, and Spike smiled slightly when he noticed. He may have been wallowing in self-pity only a moment ago, but as he'd said, he had been being stupid. He thought about it, and realised he probably would have gotten as far as the base of the stairs before running back up them to beg Buffy to take him back.

Right now, he held the Slayer in his arms, and she wasn't fighting too much to be let go.

If he could help it, he'd never let her go.

Buffy very suddenly became aware that Spike was still only wearing a towel. As much as she did hate to say it… "Spike, don't you think you should put some clothes on?"

Spike looked down at himself, and back up at Buffy. "Why?"

Buffy shifted quickly this time, and used more strength as she twisted to try and hit Spike. He tried to duck, but since he hadn't moved his arms front around her, he ended up falling forward and pushing Buffy down with him. Buffy suddenly found herself pinned to the ground with Spike on top of her, and had to wonder if his fall really had been an accident.

She doubted it.

Spike grinned at her, and Buffy refused to struggle. She knew she wouldn't be able to get the leverage to push him off. She settled for glaring at him, but it only made his smile wider. He bent down to her ear and purred softly, and the sound sent shivers though Buffy's body.

Buffy began to get irritated that she was getting excited. If Spike kept on the way he was, she was going to lose control. Losing control around Spike… she still couldn't decide what she wanted. True, she had kissed him first, but she'd been desperate to get him to stay.

Why?

If she didn't want this, then why did she want him to stay so badly, why had she freaked when he'd said he had to leave? Willow had told her to do what felt right. She didn't know if this was right, but it felt good. Spike was half naked on top of her and purring in her ear, and that single act made her feel more alive than she had in weeks.

Good enough.

Buffy laughed, and lost control.

Chapter 12
Promises

Willow sat by Tara's beside, not taking her eyes off her love's face. Seeing her hooked up to all these machines… it was maddening. Glory couldn't be dealt with soon enough to suit her. The doctors had said that Tara was suffering from head trauma, and she had heard Xander muttering something about deja vu.

His words had made Willow remember how she'd woken up to find Xander and Oz at her side after she'd been hurt after trying to do that spell to restore Angel's soul. She'd had head trauma then and she'd woken up. But the doctor had said that the longer it took the less likely it was.

Willow looked at her watch. It was almost two in the morning, and she recalled Dawn telling Giles that Spike had shown up with Tara just after dark. So it hadn't been too long then.

It felt like forever.

Willow had a vague memory of someone talking to her just as she was regaining consciousness. So far, she hadn't been able to say a word. She had held Tara's hand for a few hours, but after a while even that had become too hard.

Finally, Willow couldn't stand it any more. She hadn't left this room since she'd been allowed in, and she really needed to stretch her legs. And the longer she stayed with Tara, the more she had to fight down the impulse to go after Glory herself.

Getting up from her seat, she kissed Tara gently on the forehead and quietly left the room. Xander and Dawn were waiting down the hall. Dawn had curled up asleep on the couch with her head in Xander's lap, and he was idly flipping through a magazine. He looked up as she approached, and with a shake of her head she told him Tara had yet to regain consciousness.

He put the mag down and as carefully as he could, he lifted Dawn's head off his lap and placed it back on the couch, and folded up his jacket as a pillow for her. As soon as Dawn was settled he turned and gathered Willow into his arms, telling her without words that he was there for her.

After a minute, Willow pulled away and looked around.

"Giles left to do some research." He said. His mouth twisted wryly, "Now that was a surprise, as you could imagine." Willow smiled weakly. "He said that if Glory was finally resorting to brute force, her deadline must be approaching. Apparently there's a specific time and place that Glory has to perform the ritual with the Key, and if she misses her window… well, she hits the wall." Xander's lame joke got another weak smile. "I asked Anya to go and get us some food. Proper stuff, not the junk they sell here. I thought that maybe you could use something."

Willow nodded gratefully, though she wasn't really all that hungry. "Xander, would you mind sitting with Tara for a while? I need to walk around a bit, but I don't want to leave her alone too long. I just…"

Xander nodded, and gave Willow another quick hug. "Sure. I don't mind a bit. Take your time, okay? You're really wound up, and it'll help. Trust me, I know the feeling." He gave Dawn a quick glance then walked off to Tara's room.

Willow sighed. She'd wanted to go for a walk, but looking along the hospital corridor she came to the conclusion that walking around the silent halls would only serve to make her really depressed. She just needed something to take her mind off things. She walked over to the couch Dawn was sleeping on, and sat down on the small space left at the end near Dawn's head. She picked up the magazine Xander had been reading, and chuckled quietly when she saw it was about different ways to make quilts. She doubted he'd really been paying any attention to it at all, which meant he really was worried.

Willow smiled slightly. The gang had always been a bit awkward around Tara. They never really knew how to treat her. The rest of them had been friends (or enemies) for years, they knew where they stood around each other. Tara was something different, and they didn't know how to react. Sure, they'd stood up for Tara against her family, but Willow had always wondered at the back of her mind if they had only done it for her, because they knew that she like Tara.

Xander being awake at two in the morning and reading a quilting magazine?

They really did care.

-------------

Xander quietly closed the door behind him as he entered Tara's darkened room. The entire situation was eerily familiar to him, and it was giving him a serious wiggins.

He took the seat that Willow had been using, and sat silently for a while, just looking at Tara and thinking. Tara had always been an unknown to him. In a way she had reminded him of the way Willow used to act back in high school when she was around people other than him or Jesse. Then Buffy came into their lives, and things changed. Jesse died, and their world was turned upside down. Vampires were real, demons were real, a lot of ugly slimy things were trying to end the world on a regular basis… and it all stemmed from living on a Hellmouth.

Slowly Willow had become more confident in herself. Fighting demons and vampires every night has to have some kind of effect. Xander had noticed it in himself, but he had held to his deep seated desire never to grow up. Willow hadn't. She'd grown up, and she'd found someone new to love after Oz left. Someone who made her happy. Xander didn't want to see her lose that.

So he'd made an effort to accept Tara. He'd tried to treat her like everyone else, but he'd always been a little nervous he might screw up in some way, and ruin everything.

The real problem had been that Tara had never stopped being shy around them. She would offer suggestions sometimes, but she'd always been uncertain as well. He got the feeling from her that she believed the group only tolerated her for Willow. That wasn't really true.

They didn't dislike her, they just didn't know her. Xander and Buffy had worked that out when they were trying to get her a birthday present. They'd been sitting in a magic shop, and they hadn't been able to think of anything to buy a witch. That sort of thing tells you that you really don't know a person.

All he really knew was that she was nice. That wasn't really a surprise. It was usually only the nice people (or the demons) that were stupid enough to stay on the Hellmouth once they knew what was really going on. Everyone had different degrees of niceness, but it was there somewhere. People who didn't have some kind of selflessness in them could never stand the reality. They left town and moved to denial land. It was safer that way, and probably better.

But not for them. No, they were different. Their group these days was the epitome of different. A Slayer who defied Council law, a Watcher who also defied the Council because he actually cared about his Slayer, two very powerful witches, a 1000 year old ex vengeance demon, and a Xander thrown in for good measure. And though Xander was reluctant to admit it, there was also a 120 year old freaky vampire-without-a-soul-but-I'm-still-good-and-look-I-proved-it with them as well.

Over the years, they had also accommodated a vampire with a soul, a gypsy masquerading as a teacher, a werewolf, a 'May Queen', a duty-freak Slayer, a psychotic Slayer, and a commando with a secret government military operation that had a thing for playing with demons' insides.

All in all, it was quite a show.

He hadn't liked everyone they'd worked with, but it was only fair. He hadn't particularly liked Angel, but that probably originally stemmed from jealousy. Later he didn't like him because he'd gone evil and tortured Giles and killed his girlfriend.

He hadn't liked Oz at first because he was so protective of Willow. After a while the guy had grown on him a bit. Being a werewolf, he fit right in. Tara was probably the same sort of deal. Xander knew he had never grown out of being protective of Willow. They'd grown up together, and he never wanted to see her get hurt.

Looking at Tara, he realised that he was seeing it now. Willow was hurting, and Xander hated that he couldn't do a thing to stop it. When he thought of what Willow was going through he was reminded of himself when she had been hurt, and he knew that nothing he could do or say would make her stop worrying.

He sat forward in his chair, and moved slightly closer to Tara. Even if he didn't really understand her, she was part of the group now, and it would hurt them all if she never woke up. He reached out to touch her hand, but suddenly felt weird and let it drop.

"Tara," he said quietly, his voice almost a whisper. "I'm not sure if you can actually hear this, but I'll say it anyway. You need to wake up. We all care about you, and you should see what this is doing to Willow. Please, Tara. You're part of the scooby gang now, did we ever tell you that?" he chuckled slightly, "Hey, if Spike is, then you definitely are, okay? Just… wake up, all right? Please. Willow needs you, Tara. She loves you."

Xander stopped speaking as he noticed Tara's hand begin to twitch. Before leaving the room to get Willow, he looked up at the ceiling as if he could glare at the Powers That Be.

"If this is your idea of a joke, I really don't find it funny."

-------------

Spike woke slightly before dawn, his body still aware of the sunrise. It took a moment for his mind function properly, but pretty soon the events of the previous day came rushing back. Angel, the massacre, Red's girlfriend, Buffy.

Spike turned his head slightly, and noticed exactly how Buffy was curled around him. Her head was using his shoulder as a pillow, and she had an arm over him and her legs entwined with his. There was no way he could get out of the bed without waking her.

He didn't want to wake her just yet. The first thing she would do would be to tell him that last night had been a mistake, and it would never happen again. Buffy could be so bloody stubborn sometimes. She just refused to admit that he was the right guy for her.

Spike didn't move. He wanted as long as possible with her before she rejected him. He loved the feel of Buffy's body against his, and last night had been the closest thing to heaven that he had ever experienced. It had been so right, he wondered how Buffy could possibly deny it.

He lay there with his eyes closed, reliving the previous night. Fantasising about Buffy was so much easier when her naked body was pressed to his.

Spike was so lost in the memory that he didn't notice when Buffy stirred. She woke slowly, gradually becoming aware that she was almost lying on top of someone. Memories of last night came flooding back, and Buffy almost cried out when she realised what she done with Spike.

She opened her eyes, only to find that Spike still appeared to be sleeping. Propping herself up on one elbow she examined his face, watched as he smiled slightly. He really was beautiful, she had to admit that.

Last night had been her decision. Spike had started it, but she'd given him permission to continue. It really wouldn't be fair to get mad at him for something she had asked him to do. She had wanted it, she had, but she still wasn't sure if she could open herself up enough to really love him. He had been so close to leaving last night. He might have left her, just like everyone else.

It didn't matter that he would have left because he loved her. Angel had loved her, and he'd left for her own good. Spike had been so close to following in his grandsire's footsteps. She had needed him to stay so badly it had scared her. So maybe she'd done something she shouldn't have.

Watching Spike as he moaned softly and mumbled her name, Buffy wondered if maybe she was wrong. Maybe this had been the right thing to do. Maybe Spike would be the one who would stay with her.

So many maybes.

What it all came down to was that she still wasn't sure. She knew she felt something for Spike, but she didn't know exactly what it was. It wasn't hate any more, but she was fairly certain that it wasn't love. At least not yet. But she knew the only thing holding her back from it was herself.

She was just so afraid. And she hated herself for it.

She'd faced vampires, demons, and the end of the world, and so far she'd never flinched. She'd overcome her fear of the Master and gone to face him, knowing it would mean her death. She'd sent the first man she'd ever loved to Hell to save the world. She'd never backed down from a fight.

Sure, she'd run occasionally. She'd run to LA, she'd shut out her friends, she'd lied to her mother, she'd fallen to the desires of darkness. But she'd always come back. She'd always faced it down. She'd never given up, never surrendered.

Last night had severely dented her track record.

She'd finally surrendered, backed down from her word, from a fight that had been going on for years. She'd given up to Spike of all people, and she had to wonder if she was going to find a self-satisfied superior smirk plastered across his face when he woke up.

She hoped not. That would be the one thing she couldn't handle. She could take a smile, but if he started acting like he'd won the war… there were always sharp stakes around the place.

Spike was still moaning her name occasionally, and she had to smile at the desire and love she could hear in his voice. It was so flattering that he could still love her after she had treated him like dirt, hated him more than she really had a right to. It was amazing that he had fallen in love with her in the first place.

Maybe he wouldn't say anything. Maybe he'd let her make the decision, not say anything until she'd made up her mind on her own. Maybe he loved her enough to understand how confused and scared she was. She sighed.

Everything still hinged on maybe.

Buffy tried to untangle her legs from Spike's without waking him. She had to get away for a little while, just to think. Unfortunately, her movement made Spike grumble, and he reached out an arm and pulled her back down to him. Buffy was now completely stuck, her body pressed to Spike's and his strong arms preventing her moving. Spike sighed happily and Buffy had to repress the urge to giggle.

Finally, she allowed herself to relax. She couldn't make any decisions until Spike woke up, so there was no point stressing about it. The best thing for her to do at the moment was just to close her eyes and enjoy being held by someone who loved her.

------------

Spike almost started as he woke up. He hadn't intended to fall asleep again, and he suddenly became aware that he was now holding Buffy to him like he never planned to let go. And he wouldn't, if that option were truly open to him.

Buffy hadn't been asleep, but she was startled back to reality when Spike's body had jerked slightly. She kept her eyes closed for a moment, wishing everything was not so complicated. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. Spike's expression would tell her everything she needed to know.

Spike smiled as Buffy tilted her head up to meet his gaze. Her first reaction hadn't been to beat the crap out of him, so that was a good sign. He relaxed his arms around her, allowing her to sit up, and make whatever decision she needed to.

Neither said anything as Buffy sat up against the headboard, holding up the sheet to cover her nakedness. It might have been to late to be modest, but Buffy didn't really think they were up to the walking around naked with no embarrassment part of the relationship yet.

Buffy had been taken aback by Spike's smile. There hadn't been a trace of his cocky attitude, no smugly superior smirk. It had been a genuine 'I love you and worship the ground you walk on so please don't stake me' smile. Buffy had expected him to act all victorious and stuff, but he was… actually, she didn't know what he was, but whatever it was, he was it.

He was the absolute epitome of it.

Whatever it was. At least it was something good. She was almost certain of that. So far, he wasn't trying to kill her friends, and he hadn't walked out on her. That beat two of the previous three she had on the scoresheet.

Last night had definitely beat all three, but that wasn't the point right now.

Spike's smile had become more uncertain, and Buffy realised she still hadn't said anything. Neither had he, but she was the one who was meant to be in control here.

Control?

Yeah, right.

Spike could almost see the tension between them. He had to say something to break the ice. "Morning luv."

Buffy felt like hitting him. How could he be so calm? "Yeah."

"Uh, Slayer," Spike had to get this out. "You're not going to like, stake me or something are you? 'Cause, I mean, I'd kinda like a bit of advance warning…" he stopped when Buffy started to laugh softly. "What?"

Buffy shook her head, still laughing. Somehow, that had been exactly what she'd needed to hear from him. "No, I won't stake you. Can't speak for Giles though."

If it was possible, Spike would have paled. His expression set Buffy laughing again. He mumbled something under his breath, then threw his pillow at her.

Buffy was caught completely off guard as Spike's pillow hit her in the head, but her reaction was instinctive. She'd had too many pillow fights with Willow and Dawn to lose to anyone, and she didn't even think as she dived at Spike. He hadn't expected a retaliation so quickly, and Buffy's tackle threw them both right off the bed.

Spike clutched Buffy to him and rolled, hoping to pin her down, but Buffy stopped him and Spike ended up pinned beneath her. Spike smiled at her when he got a good look at the position they were in. It certainly afforded him a nice view.

Buffy noticed his smile and glanced down at herself. When she saw that she was still completely naked and the covers had not joined them on the floor, she gave a yelp and dived back onto the bed, wrapping the sheets around her.

Somehow she managed to do it all without taking her eyes off Spike.

Spike got up slowly and casually wrapped his towel around his waist. Buffy suddenly remembered that Spike's blood-covered clothes were still on the bathroom floor. She grimaced at the thought of scrubbing that came to mind.

Spike tossed her a robe from her closet, and she gratefully put it on. She felt so much more comfortable with something covering her.

"I'm going to go and find some clean clothes, okay pet?"

Buffy nodded. "When you're dressed, could you do something about the mess in the bathroom? I'd like to have a shower without worrying about slipping on blood." This was good. Normal Spike banter, forget that they had sex last night.

Spike grinned. "The blood would be dry by now, luv. You wouldn't slip."

Buffy walked over to the door. "I'm going to call Xander, then have breakfast, You hungry?"

"Yeah, a bit. Why're you calling the whelp?"

Buffy smirked at the worried expression on Spike's face. "To check on Tara, see if she's woken up. You do remember Tara, right? You know, all the blood and depression…" The flash of pain that crossed Spike's face told her that that line of teasing probably wasn't a good one to follow. "Sorry."

"No big deal. You go call. Check if Red's okay as well. I'm pretty certain that she could be real dangerous if she gets pissed. Still, wouldn't want her going after Glory on her own."

Buffy was worried. "You think she'd do that?"

Spike shrugged. "Maybe not. I don't think she will if her girlfriend's woken up, but otherwise… someone you love, I'd do it. Even knowing I'd die. I'd do it."

Buffy gave him a worried look and rushed out the door. He smacked himself on the head for saying anything. Not everyone was as bloody crazy as he was when he loved someone. Red was tough people, but she probably wouldn't have the guts.

-------------

When Spike came downstairs, dressed in clean clothing, Buffy was sitting in the kitchen, eating toast and apparently unconcerned. She looked up as he entered the room.

"Everything all right then?" he asked.

Buffy nodded. "Tara's woken up. The doctors want to keep her a day or two, but she should be fine. Willow's too happy to go kamikaze." She paused and gestured to the microwave. "Your breakfast's in there. Just press a button."

"The marvels of modern technology."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "The guys stayed at the hospital all night. Willow said Anya and Xander went home a few hours after Tara woke up, but Dawn's still there. She was asleep and they didn't want to wake her. Giles left to do research or something, so I have to go an pick up Dawn in a bit."

Spike got his blood from the microwave and leant against the wall. "I'd do it, but I have something else to take care of this morning."

"Oh? What?"

"Your money, remember? I told you I'd take care of it. I can get it for you today."

"Oh." Buffy had completely forgotten. "Uh, thanks. I'll pay you back when I can." She hated taking money from people.

Spike shook his head. "No need, luv. I don't have any use for it, and you do. It's the least I can do for you with all the trouble I've put you through in the past few years."

"Damn straight," said Buffy, but her words were light, and Spike could tell she was grateful.

Spike decided that maybe now was a good time for that talk that they'd been putting off since they woke up. "Slayer… we need to talk."

Buffy froze. She hated those words. They were almost always followed by something she really didn't want to hear.

Spike saw her reaction, and swore. Buffy looked up at him in surprise. "Sorry pet. Didn't mean to make it sound like that. I just meant that we need to talk about what happened last night."

She was right. She hadn't wanted to hear it. "Which part?" she asked, hoping he meant his personality issues, knowing he didn't.

Spike sighed. "Do you have to make this difficult? The latter part of the evening, Slayer. You, me, sex. I'm fairly bloody certain you noticed." He could almost see Buffy hunch in on herself at his words. "Oh bleedin'… Slayer listen to me. You're not being yourself."

Buffy was confused, and it showed. "Buffy hits me when she's pissed, luv. She doesn't get all insecure and shy."

Buffy looked at him for a moment before carefully standing up and moving over to him. She made no attempt to hide her movement, and Spike did not try and dodge as her fist slammed into his cheek. He did, however, manage to keep from spilling any of the blood in his mug.

After a moment, Buffy smiled. "You're right, you know. This is much more me."

Spike grinned back, and tried not to wince. "So are we going to talk now, pet?"

Buffy sighed. She knew they had to talk, but she hated awkward post first night sex conversations. "Okay. I guess there's some things we need to say."

Spike was taken aback by her coldness. Was this it then? "You first luv, or me?" he asked hesitantly.

"Me," said Buffy, then looked as if she wanted to take it back. "Here goes nothing," she muttered under her breath. "Do you want to know what I'm feeling, Spike?" he nodded. "I'm scared. No, scratch that. I'm terrified. You've seen me and relationships. We don't work. I drive men away, you told me that yourself. The long and short of it… I don't want you to leave."

Spike put his mug down and quickly pulled Buffy into a fierce hug before she could protest. "I will never leave you," he practically growled the words. "Not as long as you want me here, and probably not even then. I'm not going to leave if you love me, and I'm not going to leave if you don't. Last night was the greatest gift anyone's ever given me, but if you think it was a mistake, or too soon, or something else, we don't have to do it again. I know you didn't really want another vampire, but I'm not really a vampire any more. We're both different than we were made to be, and a don't give a bloody damn. The only thing I ask of you is not to make me leave. Don't tell me to go because you're afraid of me, or of what we could be together."

'What we could be together'? The implications of that statement were too far reaching for Buffy to even contemplate. But she was still in his arms, and she hadn't pulled away yet, so that had to tell her something. She wanted to be with him, so much, but she was still so afraid. No matter what he said or did, Spike couldn't take away her fear completely.

"Luv, if it helps, when I tell someone that I love them, it means something. I stayed with Dru for over an hundred years, even when she bloody cheated on me with Angel. I've moved on now, but there will always be a place in my heart for her. I don't love her like I used to, because I'm a different kind of monster now, but I remember what I felt for her."

He slowly ran a hand through her hair. "But pet, I'm telling you, it's nothing compared to what I feel for you now. A vampire does have certain restrictions when it comes to feelings, since most of what we feel is taken over by the need to hunt. I don't have that any more, and everything I can feel now is taken up by you and the Nibblet. I don't have anything left, but I've given you more than I ever thought I had in me.

"I'm still a monster, but I'm the right kind of monster for you."

Buffy couldn't help it, she started crying. The past few days had just been way too much, if all it took to start her crying were a few nice words from Spike. She really was getting soft. She slugged him in the arm, just to show she still had fight in her.

Spike chuckled and rubbed his arm. "There you are, Slayer." He could feel the wetness of her tears through his shirt, but he refrained from commenting. "Your turn again?"

Buffy wiped her tears away, but she didn't pull out from the protective circle of Spike's arms. "You won the war, you know. I won so many battles, but you still won the war."

Spike held her closer. "Maybe. But I don't think you're defeated. If you think about it, I think you'll realise we've both won. If you open yourself up again, you've beaten everyone who ever doubted you, everyone who's ever hurt you."

Buffy pulled back a little so she could look him in the face. "How is it that you're not tripping over your tongue saying all this emotional crap that girls just love to hear?"

Spike smiled. "I watch a lot of TV, luv. You'd be amazed at the stuff you can pick up from various soaps. And I guess there's a part of that bloody wanker William hiding around somewhere in here." Buffy giggled, and suddenly tilted her head up to kiss him. Spike was surprised, but he returned the kiss, not pushing it beyond what Buffy started. When she pulled back, Spike had one final question. "So it's okay then luv? You're not going to be afraid any more?"

Buffy shook her head. "I can't promise that Spike, but I can promise that I'll try. I won't push you away, but please… please, just swear to me that you'll never leave me."

"I swear, luv. I swear."

Chapter 13
Plans

Glory surveyed her surroundings. Normally, what she was seeing would have given her shivers of delight, but when someone mutilated her minions, it really meant war. They might be ugly, stupid, and next to useless, but they worshipped her, and that gave them one good quality.

She didn't care for them personally, who could when they looked like they were growing mould? And they never bathed. But they were hers, and she wasn't going to let some two bit freak vampire make a fool of her. It had to have been him. The Slayer had the power, but Glory doubted she had the stomach for it.

No, it was definitely the vampire.

That damn pathetic lying vampire, the Slayer's bloody lapdog. He'd painted this alley red with the blood of her demons, and taken the witch back. The witch who may or may not be they Key. Her fucking stupid minions had had her, and they'd lost her.

It didn't matter to Glory that they'd lost their lives as well. If she got the Key, they could all die screaming for all she cared.

But she didn't have the Key. That was the critical point. She. Didn't. Have. The. Key. She screamed in frustration and kicked an arm across the alley with such force that it hit the wall opposite her and the bone inside shattered with the impact, sending small particles of green flesh flying.

Somehow, the sight made her feel slightly better.

If the Slayer hadn't come and rescued that irritating vampire, none of this would have happened, and she might have had her Key.

What was with this Slayer? She had friends, family. She even had a damn pet vampire. What sort of Slayer associates with vampires other than to kill them? It was just weird, and it was really getting on her nerves.

She sighed. There was only one way to deal with this, and it all made perfect sense.

Vampire insults her.

Slayer rescues vampire.

Vampire rescues might-be Key.

Glory tortures and kills Slayer and vampire and all their friends, and takes Key.

Perfect.

Glory may have been insane, but her logic system was definitely direct.

-------------

The small bell on the door tingled as Buffy and Spike entered the magic shop. Giles looked up from the book he was reading, and gestured to them to sit down. Without saying anything, he looked back to the book.

Buffy looked at Spike, who shrugged, indicating that he didn't have a clue either. They both walked over and sat across the table from Giles. Buffy tried to get a look at the book he was reading, but it was one that she didn't think she'd seen before.

After a minute or so, Buffy began to get impatient. Waiting had never been her strong suit. "Alright Giles, what's the sitch?" she asked. "Dawn said you'd called the hospital to tell us to come here, so spill. We hardly even had time to see Tara, so there'd better be a good reason. I feel really bad about just leaving her there. Even Xander got the day off work to stay with her and Willow."

Spike smiled slightly. Buffy was babbling, though nowhere near to the extent that Red did it. He could tell that the events of the past few days had affected her, and she was trying to be confrontational to prove to herself that she was still strong enough for anything she had to face.

Giles sighed. He had to tell them sometime, and he was really just putting it off. He'd read the book over and over, and he had no need to be reading it again. He just didn't want to tell Buffy the truth. He slid the book over the table to them, but Buffy just looked at him, and he sighed again. She would never read something if he could just tell her.

Easier for her, harder for him.

"Buffy," he began, strain evident in his voice, "you're not going to like this, but the Watcher's Council has found some new information, which they have just sent to me." He gestured to the book. "It seems that they're keeping their promise to help. When you read that, you're going to wish they hadn't."

Buffy folded her arms and lent back in her chair. "How about you just tell me? You can be specific when you want to be, and I want to know now, not in a week when I finally work out what the book means."

"I don't think you want to know at all," muttered Giles under his breath, but both Buffy and Spike caught it. Louder, he said, "That book contains details on the rituals that can be performed with the Key."

Buffy's expression instantly turned serious. If there was one thing that always held true for her, it was that she would not let anyone hurt Dawn. "What will Glory do to her?"

"Glory ain't touching the lil' bit," growled Spike, and Buffy almost smiled.

"No, she's not. Different question. What does Glory want to do with Dawn?" Buffy's tone told Giles that she wanted a direct answer, and he felt ill with what he had to tell them.

"There are a number of different rituals that can be performed using the power of the Key, and the one Glory needs to use is the most destructive. It will open all the doors between dimensions, and all possible realities will bleed into each other. Every creature on earth and in very other reality will suffer unbearable and eternal torment and death."

"Even demons?" asked Spike.

Giles shook his head. "The line's not that clear. Not all demons are evil, and some are not very powerful. The good and the weak demons will suffer along with humanity."

Buffy interrupted. "Hey, off track much? What will this do to my sister?" Giles fiddled with his glasses, and fear settled in Buffy's stomach. "It'll kill her, won't it?" She felt Spike stiffen beside her, and Giles nodded slowly. "That's not everything, is it?"

Giles shook his head. "I told you that you didn't want to know. The ritual is… it must take place at a certain time and location. Dawn's blood will open the portal, and they will close when the blood flows no more." He paused, "When Dawn is dead."

Buffy shook her head, not understanding, or not wanting to understand. "Why?"

Pain and sympathy were evident on Giles' face. "The Key was living energy. It had to be channelled into a specific place at a specific time. The energy causes the portals to open, unleashing all manner of hell, and Glory uses this time to get back into her own dimension. Now that the Key is human, the energy is in her blood. It had to flow to be channelled like the energy, and the only way to stop it is for Dawn to die."

Buffy didn't know what to say. Hearing that the only way to stop the ritual if it started was to kill her sister… it shocked her to the core. Spike's reaction was much more visible. He stood up abruptly, almost knocking the table over. His posture was straight and erect, anger clear in his stance as he paced the length of the table.

"None of this bloody matters though," he said, keeping his voice tightly under control. "Glory doesn't have the 'bit. We do, and we're not letting that hellbitch lay one soddin' finger on her. Who bloody gives a damn what sort of ritual it is? Nibblet is not getting involved."

Buffy nodded. "Yeah, Glory doesn't have Dawn. We have to make sure she never gets her." She looked at Giles. "When can the ritual take place?"

Giles looked at his notes. "Nine-thirty Tuesday night, next week."

Buffy and Spike were both stunned. "Next week?" they chocked out together. It was Friday morning, so that meant there were only five full days before the ritual. Only five more days they had to worry about Glory taking Dawn.

"What happens after?" Buffy managed to say. "If Glory doesn't do the ritual, what happens?"

Giles gave her a small shrug. "I'm not sure. The Knight said that Glory was sharing the body of a human male, so I would assume that with no way to get home she would lose much of her power to break free from him and eventually be completely absorbed."

"So she wouldn't be a problem any more? We wouldn't have to deal with her?"

Giles shrugged again. "I can't say for certain, but I imagine she would no longer be a threat."

"Well that's good then, right?" said Spike. "I mean, if we only have to keep away from her for five days, that's easy. Why don't we just skip town until Wednesday? Think about it Buffy. You, me and the Nibblet. It's the safest thing we can do."

Giles shook his head. "I don't think that's a great idea. Glory is obviously getting worried. Why else would she attack Tara. Either everyone leaves, or nobody does."

Buffy nodded. "I can't leave anyone here with Glory around. But I don't think I can leave. Glory is a danger to everyone, not just our little group. I'm the Slayer. I have to protect people."

"But luv, the safest place for the lil' bit is as far away from Glory as we can get. We need to get her out of town." Spike's tone was worried.

Buffy nodded. "I agree with you. Dawn should leave, but I can't. I have to stay, can't you see that?"

"If you're staying, then so am I," said Spike.

Buffy shook her head. "No. You have to protect her."

Spike's expression was torn. He loved them both, and Dawn couldn't protect herself. But Buffy might be going up against the hellbitch, and he couldn't let her do it alone. He thought for a moment. "I have a plan."

Giles raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Anything was welcome at the moment.

"Right," said Spike. He cleared his throat, a little nervously. "We need to get the Nibblet out of town, right? But if one of us just takes off with her, Glory's going to know something's up. I say we send off everyone but you, me, and only one other. That way, Glory should believe we're pretending to send the Key away to get her off track of the real thing. She'll ignore them, and concentrate on us."

Buffy's expression was thoughtful. "But how do we know she won't figure out what we're doing?" she asked. "If she goes after whoever leaves, we won't be there to protect them."

Spike shrugged. "Glory's a moron."

Giles frowned. "I don't like it. Who's to say she won't go after us anyway? She'd probably kill us just to be certain."

"Red can protect them," said Spike.

"Willow?" said Buffy. "I know she's powerful, but what about Tara? She's going to be in the hospital for at least another couple of days. We can't ask her to leave her there."

"So why not pretend she's the Key. We'll keep her here with us, and protect her."

"Protect her? If Glory walked into that hospital to take her, there's nothing you or I could do, and you know it." Buffy's tone was so defeated, Spike couldn't stand it. "Let's face it Spike. Willow's the only one with the power to even get close to hurting Glory, and even she couldn't stop her. It's too dangerous for anyone to pretend to be the Key."

Spike opened his mouth to respond, but stopped when a strange expression flashed across Buffy's face. "Luv? What is it?"

"She's me," Buffy whispered. "She's me."

Spike was confused. "Who is?"

Buffy looked up at him. "Dawn. She's me. The monks made her out of me. My blood. If her blood can open the portal, and her blood is my blood…"

Giles shook his head, forestalling the rest of her sentence. "Your blood won't open the portal, Buffy. The energy for that is in Dawn's blood."

"I know that," said Buffy, waving a hand dismissively. "That's not what I meant. I meant that if Dawn's blood is my blood, then maybe Glory won't be able to tell. Maybe there's enough of what makes up Dawn left in me to confuse her."

It was Spike's turn to feel fear. "You're not pretending to be the Key. She'll kill you."

Buffy shook her head. "No she won't, don't you see? She can't kill the Key, because she needs it for the ritual. That's why those Knights who kidnapped Xander want to kill her. If she dies, the ritual can't happen. Glory won't kill me if she thinks I'm the Key, and by the time she works it out, it'll be too late."

"She won't believe it," said Giles. "She won't believe you."

"She will if she doesn't know that we know," said Buffy. Then her eyebrows creased for a second. "Did that make sense?"

Spike nodded, getting excited. "Sort of. I get it though. We find some of Glory's minions, and stage a conversation where we reveal you're the Key and the rest of us work for the monks or something."

Buffy gave him a grateful smile. "Something like that." She looked over at Giles. "Your thoughts?"

He just shrugged. "It's plausible, and from what we know of Glory, she'll probably believe it. But I don't want to put you in danger."

Buffy laughed. "Danger? Look at who you're talking to Giles. You've done nothing but put me in danger for five years. It comes with the job, remember?" When she saw Giles' expression she realised how harsh that had sounded. "It's not your fault Giles, and I don't blame you. Okay, I did for about a year, but I got over it."

Giles managed a weak smile. "It's your decision Buffy. I'll help in any way I can."

Buffy nodded. "Right, here's what we do…"

-------------

Buffy and Spike were patrolling in one of the various cemeteries in Sunnydale. They'd spent the day in the hospital with Willow and Tara, but now they'd just spotted one of Glory's ass-kissing hobbits and were carefully making sure they were being followed.

They were walking slowly past some fresh graves when Buffy's Slayer instincts kicked in. She nudged Spike and pointed to a grave on her left. Spike nodded. "You're the Slayer," he said loudly. "You should be doing it."

Buffy sighed. Spike's acting ability sucked. "I'm not really the Slayer Spike. We both know that. The real Slayer's in jail in LA or somewhere, and I'm just made up. I'm surprised Glory hasn't figured it out yet. I mean, two Slayers? How stupid is she?"

"She's a moron luv, we figured that out a long time ago. But she's powerful, and we can't let her get her hands on you. Why do you think the monks made you a Slayer? You need to be able to protect yourself, and the rest of us are all here to help you."

Buffy smiled. Spike had actually managed to put feeling into that speech. "I know, I know. but it's so hard, don't you see that? I'm not even real, and I have to protect the world. How stupid is that?"

Spike didn't get a chance to answer right away. The grave to Buffy's left heaved as a newly risen vampire tried to find his feet. Buffy staked him as soon as he straightened up, and watched in satisfaction as he turned to dust. She turned to Spike, trying to appear curious. "That's something I've never worked out, you know. You're a vampire. Why aren't I supposed to kill you?"

Spike laughed. "Cause I work for the monks. It's my job to protect you. It's kind of a curse."

"That's all I am to you? A curse?" Buffy's tone was clearly indignant.

"Of course not," said Spike. "All of us, the whole group, we're all here because of you. We don't mind, but it's our job to make sure Glory doesn't get you."

Buffy started to get angry. "What does it matter? I'm not even real. Let her have me!"

Spike slapped her, and then cried out in fake pain, clutching his head. "She takes you and the world ends. We're not going to let that happen." Buffy just folded her arms and glared at him. "Okay pet. I think it's time we went home. You're obviously not feeling up to this tonight. I'm not meant to let you get killed either."

Buffy sighed and said loudly, "Right, wouldn't want to kill the Key."

They'd decided it was better to be on the safe side. Despite all their posturing, their stalker might have been thick enough to miss the message entirely. Subtlety really wasn't a strong point with most demons, and they wanted Glory to get the point.

-----------

A slow smile stretch across Glory's face when she got the news. The Slayer was the Key? That explained so much, and she laughed with joy. There was no need to hurry now. She'd snatch the Slayer only a few hours before the ritual, and this time, she would not let her resist.

Glory was stronger, and she knew it. There was no way her plans could fail now.

A fake Slayer is no match for a god.

------------

When Buffy and Spike got back to the house, they almost fell over each other laughing. After they'd headed for home, they'd turned back and followed their stalker for a few blocks. It was so obvious that it had totally bought it.

Buffy hadn't laughed so much in a long time.

Spike watched her as she supported herself against the wall, finally calming down then bursting out into a fit of giggles again. She made a face at him which Spike found hilarious for some reason, and he collapsed on the floor, shaking with laughter.

The sight of Spike on the floor set Buffy off again, and she slid down the wall to join him. Spike wouldn't stop laughing, and Buffy looked around for something to throw at him. Her eyes fell on a handy pair of shoes, and she tossed one at him, hitting him lightly in the head. He looked up to see her expression, which only serve to make him laugh harder. Buffy couldn't help it as she started smiling again.

Dawn stood at the top of the stairs, and watched as her sister and Spike fell around laughing. She hadn't been filled in on the plan yet, so she had no idea what it was that they found so funny. She walked down the stairs and sat at the bottom, simply watching them. They hadn't noticed her yet, and she decided to speak up.

"So are you both completely slaughtered, or have you been hitting the laughing gas?" she asked lightly.

Buffy and Spike both looked up at her, identical expressions on their faces. Then they looked at each other, and dissolved into laughter again.

Dawn shook her head in disgust, but she couldn't help smiling. "Yep. You're slaughtered."

Chapter 14
Waiting

The entire weekend had passed with nothing going amiss. Tara was released from the hospital on Sunday night, and Willow had taken her home. Spike had continued to stay at the Summers' house, but he had not spent much time in the room Buffy had given to him - Joyce's old room. Dawn hadn't said anything, but with the way she would smirk at Buffy and Spike, they suspected that she knew what was going on between them.

It's not like they'd really tried to hide it from her.

Neither Xander nor Giles had come around to kill Spike yet, so they also assumed Dawn hadn't said anything. As far as the group knew, Spike was staying with them because of his injuries and the Glory situation. Not that his wounds weren't all but healed, but he needed to be there when Glory showed up to take Buffy.

Well, to try and take Buffy.

No way was she going to actually take her. But they had to keep up the charade for as long as possible. The minute Glory worked out that Buffy wasn't the Key, all hell was going to break loose.

In this town, that usually meant literally.

They'd arranged for Dawn to be at Willow and Tara's from early tomorrow afternoon. She needed to be away from Buffy, but she also needed to be protected, and the Wiccas we the best people for the job. It also wouldn't appear suspicious.

They suspected that they were overdoing it a little with the whole cover thing, since Glory was, in Spike's words, a 'stupid bint', but they wanted to be sure. There was no way they could risk Glory discovering Dawn. Especially since there was one danger in their plan that they hadn't thought of beforehand.

If Buffy's blood was enough to fool Glory, then as soon as their deception was revealed she would know exactly who the Key really was. The plan was that Spike would call Willow as soon as Glory showed up, and then they'd move Dawn somewhere while Glory's attention was otherwise occupied. Meanwhile, Xander, Anya and Giles would also try and hide, but doing their best to be seen. They needed to create as much confusion as possible.

Not a great plan, but it was all they had. There was going to be a few hours when it was touch and go. It all depended on how early Glory came to try and take Buffy, and how long it took her to work things out. They hoped she would leave it as late as possible, but Glory was ever the unpredictable one.

Buffy had thought about calling Angel for the extra backup, but had dismissed the thought just as quickly. Calling in the troops would definitely alert Glory to the fact that they knew the time was getting close. Plus Angel and Spike in a room together usually didn't end well, and it would probably be even worse now what with her new, ah… relationship with Spike.

Yeah, that would be a real fun situation.

Spike had reported that the demon surveillance on the house had increased. She worried a bit about Dawn, but a little experiment had proved that Buffy was always the one who was followed.

Spike could really be stealth guy when he wanted to be.

Occasionally he would hurt one of them, just to show that he was protecting Buffy. Glory probably knew how brain dead her followers were, and that they couldn't make up the intelligence of a lamp post. She'd get suspicious if they didn't maim one or two of them.

Spike was enjoying this way too much.

Buffy had woken up this morning unable to find him anywhere in the house, and had been worried about him until he showed up about an hour after Dawn had left for school. When she had grilled him about where he'd been, he just shrugged and gave her this mysterious smile that she had interpreted as 'Sorry luv, just went out to kill things'.

Playing the Key was so frustrating. He got to have all the fun, while she was stuck inside being protected while still trying be the Slayer and pretend to be the Slayer at the same time. She hadn't been able to get some serious action since they'd some up with this stupid idea.

When she'd started ranting at Spike, he'd just smiled at her again and said something that just made her more frustrated and pissed off.

"Depends on the kind of action, luv."

She'd thrown a knife at him. Immature, but he deserved it. And it's not like it was a big knife. Just the one she'd been using to butter her toast. She hadn't even thrown it hard. He really shouldn't have gotten that mad.

Was it her fault he was too busy laughing at her to pay attention?

---------------

"Spike?"

"Sod off."

"Come on Spike. Let me in."

"No."

"It's my house."

"Bugger off."

Buffy sighed. This was getting nowhere. Spike had shut himself up in his new room, and was refusing to come out and talk to her.

"Spike, I'm sorry." It really wasn't her fault. Okay, mostly… but not completely. "Spike, I really am. I thought you'd catch it."

There was no answer from behind the door. Spike had obviously learned how to mope from Dawn. One word answers, silent treatment… Buffy couldn't help but imagine Spike curled up on the bed, his knees to his chest, stubborn expression on his face that said he wasn't ever coming out. She'd seen it on Dawn enough to recognise it. But somehow, swapping Dawn for a Spike image…

She couldn't help it. She started to laugh. When she was still going after about a minute, Spike's indignant voice came through the door.

"It's not bloody funny Slayer."

He broke way sooner than Dawn would have. Buffy chalked it up to more practice. Spike would improve over time. For some reason the thought set her off again, and Spike finally opened the door to find Buffy leaning against the wall, gasping for breath.

Buffy looked up when the door opened and was surprised to see he still had his shirt off. She suddenly felt guilty when she examined his chest and saw the knife wound. Her laugher died immediately, and Spike couldn't help but feel somewhat satisfied that she felt a bit guilty. He'd taken worse from Dru all the time, but the fact that Buffy did care when he got hurt made him feel sort of special. He'd already forgiven her, but he wanted her to at least feel bad for a bit.

"Do you want me to bandage that or something?" asked Buffy, wanting to do something to make her feel less guilty.

Spike shook his head. "Don't worry about it luv. It's not bleeding, and I don't get infections. I'll be fine."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Next time give me a bit of warning though? Throwing knives at me and staking me are only separated by a very thin line." He smiled to take any sting out of his words.

Reaching out, he snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her to him. She leant against him, and Spike couldn't help but marvel that this amazing woman would let him touch her. He could hear her heartbeat speed up and feel her breathing quicken at his touch. He still found it hard to believe that he could affect her this easily.

Buffy relaxed into his arms, feeling comforted and safe, feelings she'd only recently rediscovered. There was something so calming about his presence when he held her like this. Somehow, all her stress and worry would just leave her, and there was no need for words, or fear, or anger.

Of course, as soon as he opened his mouth it was always an entirely different story.

But Spike knew enough not to say anything. Until tomorrow was over there was going to be a lot of strain on both of them, and words were not needed right now. He could tell that Buffy just wanted to forget about tomorrow, forget about the rest of the world.

Block everything out. Ignore it and it'll go away.

Unfortunately, they both knew the world doesn't work like that. You could shut it out for a while, but reality would slowly come creeping back in. Spike ran his hands up Buffy's back, and prayed to himself that this really was reality. That the last few days had been reality and would last forever.

He knew they wouldn't.

It mattered, but not right now. Right now the only thing that mattered was the woman in his arms, someone he loved more than his own existence. He realised that standing in the hallway like they were they probably looked like idiots, but he didn't care. Nobody could see them, and it wouldn't matter to him if they could.

There are some moments that you wish could be frozen in time forever. There are others you wish you'd never experienced, and some you know you needed but wished you didn't. Sometimes, they all intertwined. Often, it was the bad moments that led to the good ones, and the good to the bad. Most of the time, you could never see it until it was over, and by then it was too late.

Spike had lived too long and lost too much not to treasure every moment.

--------------

Dawn struggled to concentrate. With so many things going on in her life right now, school was so far down her list of things to worry about that she almost couldn't be bothered going at all. But she had to, or she could be taken away. She didn't want to lose her friends, or her family.

Sunnydale might be Hell, but it was home.

Which is why she had to pay attention. Or at least pretend to. But it was just so hard when the only thing she had room for in her mind was surviving the next day. After tomorrow, it would all be over. Either Glory would be gone, or she would be dead and the world destroyed.

It really went without saying that she preferred the first option.

So far, Buffy's plan seemed to be working. None of the group had been attacked since Tara, and whenever she went out, Buffy was always followed. They'd also done their best to make sure Dawn was seen alone a few times, and Buffy was never without someone close by.

Usually Spike.

The thought made Dawn smile slightly. Those two were so cute together. Spike was totally smitten, and had been for ages, but seeing the same thing in her sister was something new. Even if Dawn had been able to see it, Buffy had tried to hide how much she really dug Spike until recently. Now, she only hid it when Giles or Xander were around. Sure, they weren't all over each other normally or anything, but they were clearly closer. Watching television, Buffy would cuddle up to Spike, and he'd simply hold her. She could see how tense they were, and the contact was obviously comfort for them both.

What made it really obvious though, was the fact that she'd never actually seen Spike spend the night in his own room since Tara was attacked. Really, anyone ever heard of subtlety? She didn't know if they were actually doing anything, but as long as she couldn't hear it, she didn't have to think about it.

It actually felt kind of good that they weren't trying to hide from her. It meant that Buffy trusted her, and was comfortable enough with Spike to tell someone close to her. Well, not tell so much as just not hide. Buffy knew that Dawn thought Spike was cool, and that she really wanted them to get together.

As far as she knew, Buffy hadn't actually said that she loved Spike, but Dawn could see it. She knew she did. But she also knew she was afraid. She had every right to be, really, what with Angel and Riley and everything else in her life. Dawn hoped Spike might be able to make her lose that fear. It worried Dawn when Buffy was afraid.

But now, both Buffy and Spike were worried and scared, and Dawn was terrified.

One way or another, it would be over soon. But there was a question sitting at the forefront of her mind, and it just wouldn't go away.

Would they all survive tomorrow?

Chapter 15
Playing the Parts

Buffy and Spike watched from the window as Willow walked off with Dawn. Buffy had refused to let Dawn walk over by herself, but neither she or Spike could risk accompanying her. They'd staged a short conversation on the porch which had informed their watchers that Willow was taking Dawn shopping. Buffy and Spike had then gone back inside, and were now sitting in the living room at a loss for anything to do.

They had a few hours before they expected Glory. They weren't s