SETTING: Set a week or so after Joyce's funeral, I hadn't seen any more than that when I started writing this. I tried to start a bit angsty, but I'm trying to lighten up, I really am. Heading toward a B/S relationship, but it might take a while.
DISCLAIMER: None of the BtVS characters or concepts belong to me, but we all know that. Full credit where it's due please people.

*Author Notes are in this colour.

In the Light of Day
by Belial
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Vampyr Dust Award:

Chapter 1
Talking to the Dead

Spike lay on the grass beside Joyce's grave, just looking up at the stars. There was something comforting about this spot, sometimes talking to her, sometimes not. He didn't feel that he was being stupid or sentimental or anything like that, talking to a dead person. He was dead himself (in a way), so he figured that somewhere, Joyce might be able to hear him. And she was a good listener. She would even treat him decent when she was alive.

Spike felt something special for Joyce. It wasn't just an 'I want to shag your daughter so I'll get on your good side' sort of thing either. She was a nice lady, and even when he wasn't all chipped up he had had no desire to hurt her. Not even when Buffy was at her best at pissing him off and ruining his unlife.

Which was what she was doing recently. Not really pissing him off, because he enjoyed it when they fought, but he hadn't even been able to see her in the past weeks. The only time she was out at night was when she was patrolling, and he knew better than to run into her then. He still trailed her, but at a very safe distance, so he couldn't even get close enough to get a good look at her. This, and the fact that it looked like she would never give him that reinvite, all led up to a very frustrated and depressed Spike, and he'd gone to Joyce's grave to get some of it off his chest.

He lay there for a while, just organising his thoughts, totally unaware that he was being watched. "You know," he began, "life isn't fair. Look at us, Joyce. We're both dead, but you're not here any more. I am. Where's the bloody sense in all of it? But I reckon that you're probably happier where you are than I am down here. Your sodding daughter is ruining my life. I love her with everything that I am, and it's killing me. I never knew anything could hurt this much. Not even Dru leavin' me hurt this much. It's tearing me apart that she won't let me see her."

Spike paused for a moment before continuing. "She doesn't think I'm capable of being in love, you know. Just because I don't have a bleedin' soul like my ponce of a sire. She thinks that what I feel for her is just some sick obsession, and I reckon it scares her a bit. But I'm telling you Joyce, I know what love feels like. This is more than obsession. I love her more than I could if I had a soul. She fills the parts of me that losing my soul left empty. You can't call that obsession. She's a part of me now.

"I think I actually worked out why I'm in love with her. Took me the longest time, you know. I reckon it's because she's everything I lost when I was turned. She's everything I thought I didn't want, and now I've found out that she's everything that I really need." Spike laughed at himself. "How stupid does that sound? I guess we're the perfect example of that whole 'opposites attract' theory. Well, I am, anyway. She bloody hates my guts. Only reason she hasn't staked me yet is that she's too good of a person. She lets her heart rule her decisions. And that's something that I love about her. She won't stake me because I can't hurt people at the moment, but she forgets about all the people I've killed in the past. Surely she should just stake me for all them and bloody well get it over with. God knows I'd deserve it. She should put me out of my damn misery."

Spike fell silent for a few minutes, thinking. "You know, I haven't told anyone this, and I won't, but for some reason it just seems right that I should tell you. You remember that chip those soldier boys put in my head? Well, I reckon that it's passed it's warranty or somethin'. Cause when Buffy pulled that deinvite spell on me, I got so damn depressed that I went out and got totally smashed. And let me tell you, for a vampire, that's an achievement. Takes an awful lot of booze. Anyhow, some guy was really giving me the shits for some reason. So I just walked up to him and clocked him one, right in the nose. Hell, I figured the pain I got in my head would at least take my mind off my non-existent love life. But nothing happened. Well, I broke the fella's nose, but other than that, nothing. Sobered me up straight away, a shock like that. Not getting any pain, and that."

Spike turned his head so he was looking at the grave. "Now, I know what you're thinking luv, and it's not like that. I still haven't killed anyone. I don't want to. And it's not just that the Slayer would stake me good and proper, neither. I haven't killed a human for about two years now, and I'm not really missing it all that much. Last time I fed on a human was when Dru came back for me, and I was actually sick afterwards. Can you imagine that?" Spike looked up toward the stars again. "Me, the big bad, retching my guts out after biting someone. Come on, that's just sad.

"I'm pathetic, Joyce. And I can see myself for it. I'm not a complete idiot. I'm meant to be this big bad evil master vampire, and I'm depressed because the slayer and her bloody scoobies don’t want anything to do with me. And I don't even have a leash on any more. I should be out racking up my kills, making up for lost time, being the big bad again an' all that. Reaffirming myself in the demon world, you know? And what am I doing? I'm sitting here whining to the slayer's mother that I don't have any bloody friends.

"I hate what I've become, but I hate what I was. There's no middle ground for me. It's either being the big bad, or trailing after the slayer like the love-sick puppy I must look like. No wonder they all laugh at me. I know I can never go back to being what I was, and I don't want to. Even when I was the bad guy I never really tried that hard. I bloody helped Buffy save the world from Angelus. Well, sort of. All I did was get Dru out of the way so she could deal with Angelus. But that's something, right? I mean, I didn't even bloody like Buffy at that stage.

"I do now, I really, really do, but she trusts me even less than she did then. She'll never trust me, and she'll never love me. I know that. I just wish I didn't. Do you know what it feels like to know that the one person you love in the entire world, hates you with an unbelievable passion and thinks that you're the scum of the earth? It's the worst bloody feeling I've ever had. It make me hate myself, and I can understand why she hates me.

"I'd go and try and get my soul back if I thought it would do any good. I don't think I need it any more. I'm willing to be one of the bleedin' good guys now, even without that sodding chip, and even if I know that Buffy will never want me. What else would a soul do for me? Make me angst-guy by making me feel guilty for what I've done over the past two hundred years? Well, bloody newsflash. I already feel bad. I've seen first hand now what losing someone close to you does to someone, and I don't want to be the cause of that any more.

"Oh bloody hell! I'm sorry Joyce, but I'm getting even more pathetic than my bleedin' sire. I have to stop this. I can't do it any more. I can't live between two worlds and pretend that everything is okay, when I don't have a sodding thing to live for. Sure, I love Buffy, with everything I have and more besides, but that's not enough. It's too hard to have her hate me. I have to get out of this somehow."

A sudden thought occurred to Spike as he realised that it was close to sunrise. He fell silent and considered the idea he'd just come up with. It wasn't exactly a good plan, but he felt it was better than being the pathetic wretch he'd become. "Joyce," he began, "Do you think, maybe, if I let myself die, it might be good enough to get me to where you are? I know I'm definitely no saint, but if I kill myself, I'll kill the demon in me. Surely renouncing myself is good enough to maybe keep me out of hell? I mean, I'd survive hell, cause I'm a bloody demon, but I'd rather be able to talk to you some more."

Spike sighed. He knew he wasn't going to get an answer, and he looked over to the east where the sky was just beginning to lighten. 'Maybe I'll find out in a minute,' he thought to himself. 'Just a few minutes.' Spike lay with his eyes shut, remembering some of the more enjoyable things in his unlife. Most of them involved the slayer in some way. Spying on her, fighting with her, and that one day when he'd been allowed to kiss her and hold her in his arms. 'Red's spell was the best thing that lot ever did for me,' he thought with a smirk. 'Pity I didn't enjoy it more when I had the chance.'

Spike opened his eyes to see the sun rising, and sat up to take one last look around him. He might miss this world, but even hell would be better than the torment of his current existence. He lay down again, cushioned his head with his arms, closed his eyes, and let the sunlight wash over him.

Chapter 2
Trust

Buffy hadn't realized that it was so close to sunrise. She had been sitting behind a statue listen to Spike rant longer than she had expected. 'What's he doing?' she thought. 'He can't have been serious? He's not really going to kill himself is he? That moron, it's just like him, make me feel all guilty that he went and killed himself…' Buffy continued abusing Spike in her head, not noticing the sun rising higher and higher.

"Right," Buffy muttered, "he's not getting out of it that easily. I'm gonna…" she trailed off as she turned to look at Spike, just in time to see the rays of the morning sun wash directly over him.

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Buffy raced over to Spike and hauled him onto his feet, intending to drag him over to the shade of a nearby tree in a desperate effort to get him out of the sun in time. She expected Spike to try and resist, so when he didn't, she overbalanced and dropped him again, and landed herself flat on her butt.

Spike hadn't realized that there was anyone nearby. So he was really surprised when someone grabbed him by the collar and tried to lift him up. He was even more surprised when they dropped him again and he landed flat on his face.

"Bloody hell." He muttered to himself as he stood up and brushed himself off. "Can't a vampire even kill himself in peace in this town…" Spike stopped when he noticed who it was that had grabbed him. "Slayer? What are you doing here."

Buffy was still sitting on the ground where she had fallen, looking up at Spike. 'He looks even better in daylight.' She thought. 'Waitaminnute…. DAYLIGHT?!' Buffy was thoroughly confused and beginning to get a little panicky. 'Daylight… Spike… alive…'

"What the hell?" she burst out as she jumped to her feet. "Spike, what in the hell's going on here? Why… why are you… why aren't you…"

Spike was a little pissed at having his brilliant suicide ruined, but he was also concerned. The way the slayer was looking at him… what was wrong with her? "Why aren't I what, pet?" he asked. There was something going on that he couldn't figure out. He could tell that she hadn't gotten any sleep, but for some reason Buffy looked more beautiful than he had ever seen her. The way the sunlight accented her face… 'What? Sunlight? What the hell?'

--------------

Buffy and Spike stood completely still, shocked into immobility as they stared at each other in the morning sunlight. Buffy was the first to recover, and she grabbed Spike and hauled him under the shade of a nearby tree, unsure how long his sudden resistance to sunlight was going to last.

"Spike, what the hell's going on?" she hissed. Spike didn't answer, he was still staring out into the now well lit cemetery, unable to clearly process anything. Buffy tried talking to him a few more times, and then gave up in exasperation, and did what she normally did when she wanted his attention. She punched him.

Spike came out of it as he was knocked to the ground. He was unclear on the details, but he wasn't dead, and the slayer had just tried to save his life. He got to his feet and looked at Buffy. "What just happened luv?"

"That's what I was going to ask you." Replied Buffy. "You were in direct sunlight. Why aren't you dead?"

"I've got no idea," said Spike. "And you really don't have to sound so sodding disappointed either. I'm sorry I let you down again. I can't even bloody kill myself right enough for you."

Buffy was stunned by the hurt in his voice. "I didn't say I wanted you to be dead Spike. But you're not, and you should be. I mean, you're a vampire. Sunlight kills vampires. So, you should be dead, and you're not. I think that's got to be the most extreme case of denying your heritage I've ever seen." She gave a short laugh, but relented when Spike gave her a sour look. "Why were you trying to kill yourself anyway?" she asked. She'd heard what he'd said to himself, or to her mother, but she wanted to see what he'd say to her.

"Cause I'm sick of being a bloody demon, pet. I'm sick of being hated by the demon world, and I'm sick of being hated by you. I don't fit anywhere, at least on this earth, so I figured I might as well get out of it. Maybe see your mother again, or my family. Anything's got to be better than being the sodding pathetic freak I've become here."

Buffy stared at him, amazed that he'd been truthful to her, and shocked at the depth of hate he had for himself. She had never known that he felt this way until tonight. Hearing Spike confessing to her mother had cleared up a lot of the doubts that she had had about him and his willingness to be one of the 'good guys'. "Spike, you're not pathetic." Said Buffy quietly, almost embarrassed that she was trying to be nice to him. "You've been helping us, and that's a good thing. It makes you less pathetic." Buffy smiled. "Think about it. Any other 'big bad' with a chip wouldn't have come to us. Angelus probably would have gotten someone to tear his head open and go rummaging around in his brain to get it out."

Spike laughed, and Buffy suppressed the twinge of guilt she still felt whenever she thought about what Angel had become. "The point is, you didn't just lie there and take it. You've adapted. You've made something of yourself. Now you're on our side, and I don't think that's at all pathetic."

Spike managed to smile. After all, this was the slayer being nice to him. But the depression that had settled in his unbeating heart wasn't that easy to shake off. "But I'm meant to be a vampire, pet." He said, rejecting her argument. "Vampires don't usually just swap sides. I'm a turncoat. I'm the thing everybody hates, and nobody trusts."

Buffy reached out and lifted Spike's head so he was looking her in the eyes. "I trust you, Spike."

"What?"

"I said I trust you."

Spike let out a short bark of laughter. "Since when Slayer? What happened to 'I want you out of my life, I want you off this planet'? You don't trust me, you'd just feel guilty if I killed myself."

Buffy was shocked at his bitterness. She'd been listening to him ranting all night, but she hadn't realised that he valued what she thought of him that highly. She took a deep breath, beating down the reflex to be mean to him. "Spike, I do trust you. I didn't, before. I didn't trust you because I thought that you were only going to help us as long as you have that chip in your head. I thought you were only helping us to get you're nightly dose of violence. You never told me that you actually wanted to be on our side." Buffy deliberately avoided mentioning that she'd heard him saying his chip didn't work any more. She didn't want him to know she'd overheard what was meant to be a private conversation, something he probably hadn't wanted her to hear.

He looked at her, and Buffy could literally see the hope in his eyes. "Do you mean it, luv?" he asked. "Cause I won't be able to take it if you don't. You don't need to like me or nothing, but you mean it? You'll trust me?" Spike could hear the pleading in his voice, knew that he really was getting to the pathetic side of things now, but he couldn't help it. If Buffy trusted him, then he finally had a purpose again. He was on a side.

"I mean it Spike." Buffy smiled. "Now there's just one other thing." She paused, and looked at him with a glare that she usually reserved for when she threatened to stake him. "You. Sunlight. Alive… well, sort of. Why, how, since when?" Spike just shrugged. "You’ve got no idea?" Buffy asked.

Spike shook his head. "Not a clue, Slayer. Delayed reaction?" He walked over to the edge of the shade they were under, and stuck his hand out into the sunlight. He left it there for about a minute, turning it over, looking at it, waiting for it to burst into flame. He pulled it back and looked at Buffy, who just raised her eyebrows. "Guess not."

"Do you think you'd survive a walk to the Magic Box?" asked Buffy. "Put your newfound UV resistance to the test? I think this is turning into research territory. You always manage to make life difficult for us Spike." She smiled, showing him that she didn't really mean it. "Come on, let's go see Giles."

Spike winced as Buffy grabbed his arm and pulled him into the full sunlight, still almost expecting to turn to dust. Once they were out of the cemetery, he broke into a run, deciding that he didn't want to test his luck for too long. Buffy caught on to what he was thinking, and laughed as tried to catch up to him. Spike, however, was running at full vampire 'I don't want to die, I don’t want to die' speed, so she had only just managed to get within tagging distance of him by the time they reached the door to the magic shop.

Chapter 3
Confusion

"Oh Giles," called Buffy in a sing-song sort of voice. "We have a problem…" she stopped, and looked at Spike, who'd been about to interrupt. "Well, sort of." She amended.

Giles closed the book he'd been looking at, and looked up at Buffy. "Oh?"

"Yep. Spike here… he's suddenly decided that he likes sunlight. Actually…" Buffy paused, and looked slyly over at Spike. "I think he decided that he wanted to get a tan, and for some reason, the sun seems to be accommodating him."

Spike just glared at her. "Wasn't like that." He mumbled. Giles took no notice.

"What exactly do you mean, Buffy? Spike, the last time I checked, was a vampire. As a rule, vampires and sunlight generally don't go together."

"Well, Spike's made a new friend."

Giles was still slightly confused at Buffy's half cryptic comment. "You mean, the sunlight doesn't hurt him?" Buffy nodded. "Well, that's new. I wonder why that's happened."

"So do we, mate." said Spike. "That's why we're here, ain't it? To find out?"

"Well," said Giles, adjusting his glasses, "I suppose so. But I do need to know the full story. Buffy's, uh, 'cliff notes' usually leave a lot to the imagination, and we really do need to be precise."

Spike suddenly felt a little embarrassed. If Giles wanted the entire story, then he'd have to say why he'd wanted to kill himself. He didn't really feel like he wanted to explain any of that, not even to Buffy, and definitely not to her watcher. 'Good thing bloody Xander's not here,' thought Spike. 'That would be even more damn humiliating.' He smirked. 'He's probably off having a morning shag with his vengeance demon before she comes in to work.'

As if cued by his thoughts, Anya chose that moment to walk through the door. Giles looked at her, mildly surprised. "Anya, you're in early. You don't need to be here for another hour yet." She just shrugged.

"Xander had to start construction early today, and I didn't want to hang around the apartment by myself. It's boring. I thought I may as well come in." Anya looked toward Buffy and Spike. "What are they doing here?"

Buffy smirked at Spike over Anya's direct manner. He rolled his eyes, secretly relieved that he didn't have to explain what he was doing trying to 'get friendly with the daylight'. "We're here for information," said Buffy. "We thought Giles would be the best person to ask. He usually knows stuff. Although, I think we managed to completely stump him with this one."

"Maybe I can help," said Anya, looking interested. "There's no money to play with before the shop opens anyway. I need something to do."

This time Buffy rolled her eyes at Spike, and he half smiled in response. "Sure Anya," said Buffy, "help would be good. Just from your 'personal experience' I don't suppose you know of any instant cures for that condition that vampires have where they turn to dust in sunlight, do you?"

Anya shook her head. "Nothing can stop a vampire dying in sunlight. It's the same for crosses and holy water. It's the demonic nature of a vampire and the way it corrupts a human that can't deal with the sunlight or holy stuff. I guess that maybe if the demon left the original human body sunlight might not hurt it any more, but I don't think it would really matter, since… well, the human body would just be dead again."

Giles nodded as Anya spoke. He knew this, but he didn't see how it helped the situation. Spike was obviously still a bit more alive than dead, but there was something he was missing. He could feel it sitting at the back of his mind, hiding behind some neatly stacked and filed memories. He hated it when that happened. It was so annoying, and usually led to missing some vital fact about what some monster was, or how to kill it. Something was out of place, like it had dropped behind a shelf in his mind and he couldn't quite reach it to see what it was.

Buffy was lost in thought. She had been half listening to Anya, but the rest of her mind was focused on what she'd overheard at the cemetery. She knew that she'd have to talk to Spike about his chip, and find out if it really wasn't working any more. Buffy didn't know how she really felt about that, and she didn't know just what to think about Spike any more either. She realised since she'd told him that she trusted him, she had actually trusted him. Sure, it had only been about an hour, but in that hour she'd been with Spike the entire time and not once looked at his with suspicion or hostility. That worried her a little.

Spike, for his part, was also lost in thought. He was thinking about what Buffy had said that morning when she'd dragged in out of the sunlight. '…denying your heritage… I wonder… Only one way to find out.' He walked over to where Buffy was standing, and she looked up at him a little startled. He put his hand out to her neck, and was surprised when she didn't move. 'Maybe she does trust me.'

"Spike, what…" Buffy began, but stopped when she felt Spike's cool hand on the front of her neck. 'I said I trust him, I said I trust him…' her resolve not to hit Spike was wavering as she felt him begin to push a little. Something dug into her collarbone. 'That must be my cross,' she thought. 'Why is he…' the thought trailed off as Buffy realised what he was doing. She looked up at him, and saw him grinning at her. "It doesn't hurt?"

Spike grinned wider. "Nope." His hand was still at her throat. She punched him in the ribs, and Spike dropped his hand.

"Did that?"

"What the bloody hell was that for?" demanded Spike, his hands clutched to his ribs. She hadn't hit him that hard, but she had still hit him. "I thought you said you trusted me."

"I did," replied Buffy, "and I do. But just because I trust you doesn't give you the right to touch me." Spike looked hurt, though he tried to hide it. She could see it in his eyes, and she felt bad for a moment until she forcefully reminded herself that she had to be mean to Spike sometimes. Couldn't let him get any ideas. Buffy gave herself a mental shake. 'Never going to happen. Better that he knows that.'

Giles gave a silent sigh of relief when Buffy punched Spike. He was getting used to having Spike around, but he still wasn't entirely comfortable with the situation. If Buffy decided that she would trust Spike, fine, but as long as that was all that it was. Giles was of the opinion that Spike only thought he was in love with Buffy, and as soon as Buffy let him get close, he would be able to get over his obsession. And since Buffy never let anyone she didn't care about get close to her, Spike would only hurt her. 'And I'll be damned before I let that happen,' thought Giles to himself. 'If Spike betrays her trust, I'll stake him myself.'

Spike's voice brought Giles' mind back to the present. It seemed he'd missed part of the conversation, which appeared to have rapidly degenerated into an argument between Buffy and Spike. Anya was sitting at the table watching them, clearly enjoying herself. Giles took a seat next to her, and she filled him in.

"Basically Buffy's angry at Spike because somehow it's all his fault that he can now move around during the day, which means she now has to watch him twice as much. Spike's upset because she said that she trusted him, and keeping him under constant watch isn't really trust. They got that out in about thirty seconds. The last three minutes has just been straight trading insults, with Spike getting punched occasionally."

Giles shook his head in resignation. Those two would never get along, which meant constant headaches for the rest of them.

"Oh, don't worry." said Anya brightly. "I think they enjoy it. It covers the fact that they're repressing orgasm thoughts about each other."

"Once again, thank you Anya, I think that's possibly the most disturbing thing you could have said." Giles looked at Spike and Buffy. "I still don't understand exactly what's happened here. Right now, I don't care as long as Spike behaves himself. I think I'd just like to take some painkillers and get away from those two. Just… tell me the details later, I can wait. And tell them to come back this afternoon and we'll try and work out what's going on."

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10 minutes later…

"Buffy, Spike, can you either shut up or leave? I have to open the shop, and Giles won't like it if you scare away customers. Giles said come back tonight."

Buffy and Spike fell silent and looked at Anya. Spike grinned and turned to Buffy. "Well, I see we took the first option then, didn't we luv?" Buffy rolled her eyes at him and walked out of the store, muttering something about having to check on Dawn and get to a class and not having time for smartass vampires.

"Excuses excuses," said Spike under his breath. "Just 'cause she was losing." Anya cleared her throat to get Spike's attention. "What?"

"Could you leave too? You'll scare the customers away by just being here. Some of them do know what vampires are. They might run away without buying anything. Or one of them might stake you, and that might scare away the rest of the customers."

"They could try," growled Spike. Anya glared at him. "Fine, fine. I'm going. Like to see what this town's like during the day anyway."

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As Buffy raced home from the magic shop, she let her mind wander over the events of the morning. Spike had survived direct sunlight, crosses didn't hurt him, and she'd overheard him admit that his chip wasn't working any more. And she'd decided to trust him. Buffy was still unsure about whether this was a good or bad thing. Trusting Spike? When he was apparently unrestrained and even stronger than before?

She didn't know what to think about the chip. Spike had said he was completely smashed when he hit a guy, so maybe he'd just been too drunk to feel the pain. Or the guy could have had a bit of demon in him. It wouldn't be so uncommon, after all, this was Sunnydale. Spike without a chip could be dangerous. He'd admitted to her mother that he still hadn't even tried to hurt anyone, but how long would that last?

How long until the bloodlust inherent in all vampires was too much for him?

Buffy remembered Spike's love for violence. He'd gone crazy when he had first gotten the chip and thought that he couldn't hurt anyone or anything. He'd been stoked when he discovered he could still hit demons. Killing demons fulfilled his desire for a fight. That was something else that worried her.

How much of Spike's desire to help them came from his love of the fight? How long until he remembered how much fun he'd had hurting humans?

Spike had changed, though. She had to admit that, at least to herself. He'd helped out even when there wasn't violence involved, and he'd protected Dawn. Protecting Dawn earned him big points. She suspected that he only did it get credit, but he did actually seem to like her. Dawn definitely liked him. And it was good to have someone else around who was strong enough to protect her.

She had trusted him to protect Dawn and her mother before, and if she could trust him for that, then everything else should have been easy. But ever since finding out that Spike had a thing for her, trusting him had become more difficult.

When he'd been helping out because he didn't have anything else to do, she'd trusted him more. He couldn't suddenly change his mind and decide that he wanted to hurt humans again. That chip in his head was security. But now, she didn't know if the only reason he wanted to help was because of her. Because he wanted to be near her. Buffy was fully aware that she treated Spike like crap most of the time.

What would happen when he decided that he wouldn't take it any more?

Would he suddenly change sides in the middle of a dangerous battle?

Would he betray her?

What she'd seen that morning had led her to believe that he wouldn't, but she still couldn't help running possibilities through her mind. She was confident enough to tell him that she trusted him, but she still worried about how long he would wait for her. Buffy refused to even consider the idea of being with Spike. She couldn't have a relationship with another vampire. She had loved Angel, and it had been a disaster.

He'd left her.

Even if she ever did feel something for Spike, Buffy knew that she would keep it to herself, and do her best to repress and forget about it. If Spike loved her now, and she let herself be with him, the only way it would end would be painful for her. She was a Slayer, and Slayers were generally not known for long lifespans. She would either die young, although she planned to put it off as long as possible, or she'd somehow survive and hopefully let the other Slayer take over as head girl with the pointy wooden things.

But if she survived, she would age. And if she was with Spike, he probably wouldn't want to stick around.

He'd leave.

And history would repeat itself. Again.

As she approached her house, Buffy cleared her head of any thoughts of being with Spike. She didn't feel that way about him, and she was determined that she never would. Spike was a vampire, and a demon to the core.

Unlocking the door to her house, Buffy decided that while she might let herself trust Spike, she would never let herself love him.

Chapter 4
Explanations

Spike wandered through the streets of Sunnydale, marveling at how different everything was during the day. More people, more noise, more shops and businesses open. Everywhere he looked he saw people moving around and living their lives, completely unaware that after dark the town turned into a highway rest area on the road from Hell.

They were totally oblivious to the fact that their little town drew demons to it like moths to a flame. And they had no idea that the Slayer, his Buffy, was protecting them. Spike smiled as he thought about Buffy. She'd left him at the magic shop so she could go home to check on the Nibblet before going to a morning class she had at college, and he had nothing better to do except wander around town until he had to be back at the magic shop that afternoon..

It was interesting though, seeing how people in these times lived their lives. What he usually saw at night hardly included the normal people in town. Hanging out at the bronze was the closest he got to other people, and a nightclub generally isn't a great place to meet people who aren't stoned or drunk or both.

Spike was reveling in his freedom. Being able to move around in sunlight opened up a world of possibilities. Now, for the average vamp that would mean more people to kill. And it's easier to avoid a slayer in a crowd. There's less chance of being noticed, and nobody thinks you're a vampire if you're in sunlight. Well, those that actually think about vampires on a regular basis, anyway.

Spike didn't care about any of that. He didn't want to go and kill anyone. He did want to find those soldier boys and give them a scare, but they'd scarpered out of town a while ago. He didn't dwell on it, it wasn't really important any more. Being able to live in sunlight opened the gate to the one thing he'd been hoping for since he fell for the Slayer.

He could be normal.

Well, sort of.

He could sleep at night, stop being nocturnal. If he stopped being a creature who lived in the shadows, then maybe the Slayer and those bloody scoobies would accept him into their world. That thought did a great deal to the depression that had lingered in Spike's heart for the past weeks. He'd been complaining to Joyce that he didn't fit anywhere, so maybe this was his chance to belong. He knew that he could never go back to the darker side of the demon world. He'd betrayed too many of his former allies and acquaintances to ever be fully welcomed back into the fold, and he would always be treated with suspicion.

Being evil did have its merits, he had to admit that. Do whatever you want, kill whoever you want, live by the rules that you make up. Being the top man in town certainly got you respect. But what was that worth, really? The respect of lowlife scum and wannabe masters. People, or creatures, that would still stake you in the back the first chance that they got. What sort of life was that?

In Spike's mind, being evil had a bloody huge downside.

There wasn't the Slayer. Well, that wasn't quite true. There was the Slayer, but she carried a pointy wooden stick, and you were always on the wrong end of it. Actually, you were on the wrong end of it once, but that was enough. Getting intimate with 'Mr Pointy' meant you weren't ever getting back up.

Spike didn't like that.

He liked being behind Buffy when she went patrolling. He liked to watch her back. Something had changed in Spike when he realised the chip had stopped working. He'd gone out, still severely depressed and slightly drunk, thinking that the best thing to get his mind off the bloody Slayer would be a nice kill just to get his grove back. To reaffirm his place in the world he still thought he should belong to. He'd found a nice girl at the Bronze, and hit on her for a while, trying to get her to go outside with him. And she'd been just about to agree, when he froze.

He felt guilty.

Guilty for even thinking about killing. Guilty for all the deaths he'd caused in the past. Guilty for hitting on another girl, even though Buffy had just rejected him.

Spike felt guilt.

For the first time in 120 years, Spike felt guilt. He was developing a bloody conscience. Just the thought of it freaked him out so much that he'd had to leave. He'd apologised to the girl, and left as politely as possible. Politely. He was being nice to someone he'd just met, and didn't give a damn about. Realising that had just freaked him out more. Spike had left the bronze in a daze, his mind in complete disarray.

How could he have a conscience? Him? He was a vampire, a demon. He didn't have a soul. A conscience hadn't been in his plan when he was turned, and he hadn't even thought about it as a way to show the Slayer that he'd changed.

Spike was terrified.

He was afraid he was turning into Angel. What next? His soul? Not bloody likely, thank you very much! A soul? You could keep it, in Spike's opinion. If he ever got his soul back, he'd stake himself the first chance he got. He remembered what a loser he'd been when he'd been alive. He didn't want to go back to being that. His current situation may be pathetic, but he would never sink that low.

No, in his crypt that night Spike had vowed to himself that his love for Buffy wouldn't change him. But he realised now that that was useless. He had been changing from the moment that he met her, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Something in Spike fought against the changes, but something else, something stronger, had shaped him into the person he'd become. That, Spike realised, was the turning point.

He had become a person.

He didn't have a soul. He didn't need it, but he could still feel the difference in himself. Buffy had always maintained that a vampire without a soul was just a demon. Vampires weren't a people to her, but even she had noticed that Spike was different lately. She, in all her stubbornness to believe that vampires were nothing but evil unless they had a soul. She saw.

Spike's raw personality had won out over the urges of the demon.

He didn't fight the demon, because he was the demon. But he was strong enough to control himself, to know what he wanted. Spike knew he no longer lived by the bloodlust typical of all vampires. Even Angel couldn't control that. Angel didn't feed because his soul stopped him killing humans. Even after a hundred years of not feeding on humans, Angel still craved the taste, the warmth of a fresh kill. A soul only controls the demon, it doesn't erase the needs of a vampire.

The very nature of the demon that was Spike had changed.

Spike no longer craved the kill. He'd been sick the last time he fed on a human. He'd gagged and retched his guts up. The taste of the blood had made his stomach churn. The warmth of it, the life that still flowed though it, it had all disgusted him. He was a vampire who didn't like the taste of fresh blood. The very thought of it was laughable. And Spike would have laughed, if he hadn't been so intent on trying to keep the vestiges of himself alive.

He was afraid of losing who he was. Angel and Angelus had been two very different creatures, but Spike had never held the love of killing that Angelus had. Spike, despite being a demon, had retained some human qualities.

Spike still understood love.

Angelus had never understood love. He had had Darla, but that was more a convenience for him, as well as the attraction of the sire/childe bond. Angelus hadn't loved Drusilla either. He had been obsessed with her, and had taken her from Spike just to show that he could.

Spike had loved Drusilla. She was the face of his salvation, she had shown him his potential and made him who he was. That is, until Buffy had taken over. Drusilla had nurtured the killer in Spike, his love for violence and the danger of the fight. But she'd left him, and Spike had been lost. So he'd headed back to the only other person who'd affected him so dramatically. He'd gone back to Sunnydale, intending for all the world to kill the Slayer and put himself onto a path that he could walk alone.

But then he saw her again, spent time with her that didn't involve trying to kill each other. Buffy had appealed to the lighter side of Spike's nature. She'd made him look into himself, past the face of the vicious killer that he'd maintained for so many years. She hadn't meant to change him, but seeing how much she detested him made him wonder what it was about himself that inspired such hatred.

Spike had (metaphorically) taken a good, hard look in the mirror.

And he wasn't sure if he liked what he saw.

At first, he didn't care too much. So he'd killed people, big deal. Humans were a food source to him, they were what kept him alive so why should he give a bloody damn? Most humans ate meat, and they didn't give it a second thought. Nobody hunted them down for killing a cow.

Spike had to laugh at the thought of a bovine version of a slayer.

The chip that had been in his head hadn't changed him. It had simply been the means to an end. It had been Buffy that had changed him. Everything about her. Her light, and the way she controlled the darkness inside of her. She was inside him, flowing through his blood, she was everything he had cast away from himself to be what Drusilla had wanted. But Drusilla didn't want him any more. He was useless to her, no longer fascinating.

How did Buffy see him now?

Spike sighed. Reflection was getting him nowhere. He'd meant to go for a walk around town, and instead he'd ended up taking a trip through his head. It had brought back too many painful memories, and he still hadn't worked out why he could walk in the light. He hadn't resolved any of the issues that plagued him, except one.

Whatever path he was on, he didn't want to walk it alone.

-----------

That afternoon, the regular crowd met in the Magic Box. Spike hadn't arrived yet, but Giles intended to start without him. Having Buffy and Spike argue with each other would not get them anywhere, and it would give him another headache.

They were all sitting around the table, waiting for Giles to say something. None of them really knew what to think. Buffy had grown used to the idea of Spike being able to resist sunlight, and Anya didn't really care too much one way or the other, but Willow, Tara and Xander were stunned.

Xander's reflexive reaction to the news was to jump up and shout "Quick, kill him!" half serious, half joking. Willow and Tara managed to control themselves a little more, but they were both uncertain how to take the news. Dawn thought it was cool.

Giles was about to start speaking when Buffy beat him to it. She knew that she needed to tell her friends what she had seen that morning in the cemetery, and she wanted to do it before spike arrived. Having Spike there would mean she would have to admit she was watching him, and then he'd know that she knew about his chip. Buffy didn't want to let that secret go yet.

Looking around the table at the scoobies, Buffy related most of what had happened in the morning. She told them that she'd seen Spike try and kill himself, after telling her mother that he hated himself - what he used to be, and what he'd become.

"… and the sunlight didn't hurt him." Buffy paused, trying to gauge reactions before continuing. "I talked to him, and he admitted that he hated himself, and told me pretty much exactly what he'd said to Mom. That makes me think that he was actually telling the truth. He really does want to help us."

Buffy had left out everything that Spike had said about her, but there was one other important thing. "I also told him that I would trust him, and I do." She said it quietly, almost as if she was ashamed of it, and waited for the outburst to tell her that she was an idiot.

She was surprised when nobody said anything. She looked over at Willow, who could see the question in her eyes. "It's okay, Buffy." she said. "I think you can trust Spike. He's been helping us for a while now, and when was the last time he asked for money for patrolling with you?"

"And he protected me," said Dawn. "I think that's good for trust."

Buffy nodded, and looked over at Xander. He was the one she felt was most likely to try and talk her out of trusting Spike, and he was occasionally right. Xander just shrugged. "I don't know, Buffy. I mean, the guy did try and kill us in the past, but he never did very good. I don't like him, but I think that as long as he's all chipped up he'll help us. We're the only way Spike can get his daily dose of violence and mayhem. How could he pass that up? We're too good to eat."

Buffy smiled at Xander's rather unique way of looking at things. Always make it a joke. It almost always helped to lighten the mood. Xander was indispensable that way. To Buffy, if Xander was joking around, everything would turn out alright. It was the sense of normality that he provided that helped to keep her emotions under control. If Xander cracks a joke, then the world isn't going to end anytime soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Giles decided to speak up at this point. "So everyone is alright with the, uh, Spike… thing?" he asked. Nods came from all around the table, although Xander's was still somewhat reluctant.

"Do we know why Spike's suddenly able to be daylight guy now?" asked Willow. "I mean, is it just something like the gem of Amarra? He couldn't be killed when he had that, remember?"

Buffy shook her head. "He didn't have any rings on, and he said he hadn't done or found anything strange recently. I think this must be something else."

"It is, Buffy." said Giles. "I think I may have come up with something, but I didn't want to mention it until Spike got here, since I need him to verify some things." He gestured to the door, where Spike was standing. "Since he's now present, I guess I can start."

Spike walked over and sat at the table, and smiled inwardly when no one objected. "Explain away mate," he said, "I'm just as curious as all of you."

Giles picked up a book off the table, and showed it to the group. "This is a book of some of the most complex vampire lore. It's normally of no use for regular vampires, since they're all basically the same anyway. I looked through it once when I got it about a year ago, but it really had nothing that applied to our situation at the time. I'd almost forgotten that I had it until Spike's rather interesting new development." Giles noticed that Buffy was staring at him with her patented 'I'm bored, get on with it already' face. The rest of the group had similar looks on their faces.

"Anyway, it contains a lot of information about the nature of the demon that creates the vampire. You see, a vampire is the most impure form of demon. It is due to it's possession of a dead human body that causes it to reject things that are of a holy nature. It's not actually the demon itself that can't take sunlight or crosses or holy water, it's a defence mechanism of the human body. The original person may be dead, but the body will still try and reject the demon any way it can. Are you all following me so far?"

Everyone nodded. "Yeah, we get it," said Xander, "but what does this have to do with Spike? He's still evil demon guy."

"Thanks mate," said Spike. Xander rolled his eyes and Spike smirked.

Giles cleared his throat. "Yes, well, I was just getting to that. Spike, Buffy said you were trying to kill yourself this morning?" Spike looked at the table and nodded, and Giles quickly continued to try and cover the awkward silence. "Could you tell us why?"

"I'd rather not," said Spike. The last thing he wanted to do was explain himself to the bloody scoobies. How much more pathetic could he paint himself to them? He'd told Buffy, but even that was a much shortened version of what he'd been feeling and thinking.

Giles sighed. "I need to know, Spike. This is the only answer I've been able to find, but whether of not it's the right one depends on what you say."

Spike stood up and moved away from the table. "I don't have to explain myself to you, mate. And I'm not going to tell you why I did what I did this morning so you can all look at me and go 'poor Spike, he's such a bloody loser he should just go stake himself - oh yeah, he can't even do that right'. I'm not going to take your bleedin' sympathy."

"Sympathy for you, Spike?" asked Xander. "Nah, it'd never happen. And we'd never say bloody, either." Buffy kicked him under the table in a way that very clearly said 'Shut up or I'll hurt you'. She stood up and moved over to Spike and, taking his hand, led him into the training room. He followed wordlessly, and the group still at the table watched in silence until the door closed, blocking the pair from view.

"Unexpected much?" asked Dawn.

"Buffy being nice to Spike?" replied Xander, "Totally."

"I meant Spike wigging out in front of us," said Dawn dryly. "He's never done that before."

"Oh."

"I mean, he normally totally keeps his cool, or just gets angry. I've never seen him hurt or scared before."

Willow nodded. "You're right Dawnie. Spike showing emotions is definitely new territory."

"I think it’s a good sign," said Tara. "I mean, it makes him seem… well, a little more human."

------------

As Buffy closed the door behind them, Spike relaxed a little. Until he realised that he was now alone in a room with Buffy, probably so she could get him to talk.

Spike didn't really want to talk.

It seemed Buffy had other ideas. She let go of his hand, and sat down in the centre of the room. Spike stood, unsure of what she wanted him to do. Buffy looked purposefully at the floor in front of her, and he took the hint and moved to sit down facing her.

Spike was getting nervous. Buffy hadn't said anything since they came into the room, and he was feeling a bit like a moron. "So luv," he asked, "what are we doing back here? Your friends are going to think you actually like me if you start being nice to me."

Buffy just looked at him. "This isn't nice, Spike. Trust doesn't necessarily mean friendship. We'll just get that straight now, okay?" Spike nodded, trying to conceal the hurt he felt. Buffy pressed on. "But we can be allies, Spike. That goes with trust. But until we know why you're suddenly not flammable in sunlight, it will be hard for the guys to trust you. How do we know you didn't go and sell someone else's soul to Satan to get… whatever it is you've got? We need to know, Spike. And that means talking to Giles."

"I didn't do anything, Buffy." said Spike. "You know I wouldn't do anything like that."

"You would have, once."

"Once, but not now."

"No, not now. But we still need to know why, Spike. And we need to know if it is permanent. You don't want to be walking down the street tomorrow and suddenly get really dusty. You wouldn't want that to happen, would you?"

Spike smiled. "Do you care, Slayer?"

Buffy didn't answer. She stood up and walked to the door. "Talk to Giles, Spike. Please."

Spike sighed. "Okay, I'll talk to the watcher. But only him. I'm not telling them." He jerked his thumb in the direction of the shop. "And he isn't to say anything either, or no bloody way."

Buffy nodded, relieved that Spike was going to talk. "Fine, I'll send Giles in. The rest of us will be out front." She opened the door, and walked out, leaving Spike sitting on the floor alone.

-------------

Buffy reappeared in the shop, and everyone looked at her, expecting an explanation. "He'll talk to you, Giles, but only you. And on the condition that you don't tell us what he says. I agreed, because we need to know the answer." Giles nodded and went into the training room.

"Uh, Buffy," said Xander, "I hate to be the one that asks this, but don't you think it's a little suspicious that Spike won't tell us anything? I mean, what's he got to hide?"

Ever perceptive of people's feelings, Willow answered instead of Buffy. "I don't think so Xander. I think Spike was really upset this morning, and he still thinks he needs to act this the big bad in front of us. He doesn't want us to see that he really does have feelings. I think he's afraid that we'd laugh at him or something."

"What, for being human?" asked Dawn.

"He's not human, Dawn." said Buffy. "You have to remember that. He's still a vampire, although I do think Will might have a point. Spike was pretty depressed this morning. I actually felt kind of bad for him." She looked at the closed door to the training room. "I wonder what he's telling Giles. I heard some of it this morning, but I know there was something he wasn't saying."

-----------

Spike looked up from the floor when Giles entered the room and closed the door behind him. He didn't know if he was meant to say anything yet, so he looked at the floor again and remained silent. Giles sat on a chair near the wall, thinking to leave Spike his space in the centre of the room. He didn't say anything, but waited until Spike was ready to talk.

"This goes nowhere, right Watcher?" asked Spike.

"Of course. I won't repeat a word, if that's what you want. We just need an answer." replied Giles.

So do I, mate. So do I. This not knowin' and all that, it's driving me crazy." Spike sighed. "Okay, well, it's like this. I tried to kill myself because there's nothing left for me on this world. I'm a vampire who doesn't like the taste of human blood, I'm a vampire who's in love with a Slayer. A bleedin' Slayer for god's sake! Me! I'm meant to be a bloody master vampire, and I'm even more of a ponce that my bleedin' sire. At least he has a soul for an excuse. What have I got? A bloody chip! That shouldn't have turned me into this.

"I tried to die because I hate myself. The person I love more than anything in the world hates me, and I don't belong anywhere any more. I can't be evil, because I've betrayed too many demons and the like to ever be allowed back. And I can't be good and fight with you lot, because you don't believe that you can trust me. I don't want to be evil any more, and I'm sick of the entire eternal life thing. It sounded great when Dru suggested it, but now I'm alone, and I always will be.

"I don't want to be alone, Watcher. I want to have friends, like the Slayer does. But that'll never happen, you know? Who wants to be friends with a useless vampire? I knew that you lot will never accept me, accept that I was willing to be good. So I figured that if I killed myself, at least I would be doing something right. If I die, the demon that I am dies too. And that's doing the world a service, don't you think?"

Giles didn't know what to say. He had expected most of what Spike had said, but he was surprised by the sadness and bitterness in his voice. He hadn't known that Spike's feelings had run that deep. He was still trying to get used to the idea that Spike was capable of human emotions. But one thing Spike had said shocked him more than all the emotion.

"You don't like the taste of human blood? How do you know? You shouldn't have been able to feed since you got that chip."

Spike shook his head. "When Dru came back… when I chained up Buffy…" he paused, swallowing guilt at his stupidity. "She killed a girl for me, so I could feed. I let her, because… well, the Slayer had just… sod it, I'm not going to explain what she'd just done to me, but Dru had saved me once. I thought maybe she could do it again." Spike sighed. "I drained the girl, but later that night I retched my guts up. I couldn't keep it down. It's pathetic. I may as well be a bloody vegetarian."

Giles smiled, he'd been right. "That's a good thing, Spike. You've just proved that my theory was correct. And if you can accept it, I think the others might accept you."

"Well, what is it then?" asked Spike, confused. "What's the reason?"

"I'll tell you with the others, it's easier that way." replied Giles. "I have to repeat myself enough as it is to get Xander to understand, I'd rather not have to do it more than necessary." Spike laughed at the Watcher's joke, and stood up and followed Giles out of the room.

-----------

Everyone sat down at the table again as Spike and Giles came out of the training room. Spike moved over and took a seat as well, and Giles remained standing, slowly pacing the length of the table as they all got settled. Buffy glanced at Spike, but he avoided her gaze, so she turned her attention back to Giles.

"All right, Giles," said Buffy, "Spill. What's the deal on our new and improved vampire?"

Giles sighed, and began to explain. "Basically, Spike's not a real vampire any more." Giles paused, expecting a loud chorus of objections. He wasn't disappointed. Everyone at the table started to speak at once, but Spike was the loudest.

"What do you mean I'm not a vampire any more? Of course I'm a bloody vampire! Look." Spike changed, and brought out his game face. Xander, who was sitting next to him, recoiled when Spike growled at him. "See?"

"Yeah Giles," said Buffy, "Spike is still a vampire. Only vampires are that ugly."

"Hey pet," Spike objected. "There's a lot of demons around that are uglier than this. Come on, you've got to admit that us vampires are one of the more attractive kinds of demons." Spike's face melted back to it's human visage. "Really, Slayer. You can't tell me you don't find me attractive." He smiled, to show her that he was joking.

Buffy just glared at him and muttered "Definitely still a vampire."

'Score one for Spike,' thought Dawn, smiling that her sister couldn't deny Spike was good looking.

"Uh, Giles," said Willow, "What do you mean Spike isn't a real vampire any more? He just proved he still was…"

"I guess 'real' may not have been the right word to use in the circumstances." replied Giles. "Spike is still a vampire, just not… well… normal."

Xander laughed. "Geez, Giles. We could have told you that. Spike's never been normal." He edged his chair away when Spike growled at him again.

"Yes," said Anya. "Spike's weird."

"Thanks," muttered Spike sarcastically.

"If you'll all let me finish," broke in Giles, slightly exasperated. "I'll tell you what I mean. You all understand that a vampire is a human body possessed by a demon, right?" Nods came from around the table. "And I told you that the reason vampires can't abide by holy objects or sunlight is because the human body is trying to reject the demon?" Nods from around the table again. "Well, I think that the reason Spike can survive in sunlight now is because the demon inside him has changed. Since Spike doesn't have a soul like Angel does, Spike is the demon.

"He's not a human with a demon inside him, he is the demon that animates William the Bloody's dead flesh."

"Ewww, visual…" muttered Dawn.

"Spike has changed to such an extent that he no longer lives by his bloodlust. He doesn't crave the taste of human blood any more. Basically, Spike has become something that his body doesn't reject. The human part of him has accepted the demon half, because it is no longer pure evil. I think that when Spike tried to kill himself so that the demon in him would die, his body deactivated it's defence mechanisms."

There was silence at the table for a moment as everyone tried to digest this information. Spike got up and wordlessly walked out of the shop. Buffy stared after him for a moment until something occurred to her.

"Giles," she said, "how come this hasn't happened to Angel then? Surely he's just as not evil as Spike?"

It was Willow who answered. "Angel still carries his demon inside of him. His soul suppresses it, but it's still there. I think it would have to be Angelus who became a good guy, just Angel isn't enough." She turned to Giles for confirmation, and he nodded.

"So, this means that Spike really has changed then." said Xander. "How is that possible? I mean, Spike's evil dead guy. That's who he is. How could he completely, totally and sincerely change sides like this?"

"I, uh…." Giles really didn't want to say what he thought.

"It was me." said Buffy quietly. "He changed because of me, because he thought he was in love with me."

'Thought he was?' thought Dawn to herself. 'Not likely.'

Nobody knew how to reply. They didn't know what it was that Buffy needed to hear. There were so many possible answers to her observation, but none of them seemed to be the right one to say.

"Come on Dawn," said Buffy, breaking the awkward moment of silence. "We've got to get home." Dawn stood up and gathered her things, leaving the shop with Buffy without anyone saying a word.

Chapter 5
Intervention

Spike was headed straight back to his crypt after leaving the Magic Box. His mind was in turmoil after everything he had heard about himself. Not a proper vampire any more? He should have tried a little harder to kill himself. He didn't even know what he was any more. He knew he was still a demon, he could feel it, but everything Giles had said made sense. Not wanting to feed on humans, being able to resist sunlight and crosses. He really was the definition of pathetic.

If the other vampires in Sunnydale heard of this he'd be in trouble.

They'd hated him when he'd turned against them, but they'd still been a little afraid of him. He still had Master Vampires status. Now he was going to be the laughing stock of the entire demon population. What a joke.

Spike was trying to rage at himself for letting things go this far, for letting himself slide so much that Buffy had changed his nature as effectively as Dru had when she originally turned him. But it was so hard to hate himself for it when part of him was reveling in his freedom from vampire restrictions. He hated himself, but he was elated.

He didn't know how to be anything else but a vampire. He'd been a vampire for 120 years, and before that he's been a loser. Spike really had no idea what he was going to do with himself. Sure, he could continue on like he had been living for the past year, but that was what got him into this situation in the first place. What next, becoming fully human?

Spike shuddered. Human was definitely not in the books for him. Being human meant aging, and being human meant dying. Two things that Spike was happy to exist without. But being human also meant a possible chance with Buffy. Spike was willing to give up everything for just a chance with Buffy. If being human meant getting Buffy, then he was all for it.

There was just one problem with that scenario. He was still a demon. He wasn't human, he was just a freaky vampire hybrid or something. And Buffy was probably just as likely to reject him now as when he's been a proper vampire. Couldn't she see that he loved her so much that he actually changed his nature? His love for her was so strong that he had completely denied who he was. And still it wasn't enough.

Spike had been made to be evil. He'd been created. And he'd changed all that, just for her. He'd shamed the entire vampire population because he was in love with a Slayer. He had no excuse for it, and he'd become even more 'Buffy-whipped' that Angel had been. Of course, Angel had killed his sire for Buffy, something that Spike had yet to do. He'd been going to, he'd intended to, but what Buffy had said to him had hurt so much that something had held him back. The demon in him was what had saved Drusilla.

He hadn't fully changed by that stage. Trying to kill himself had been the defining moment.

Suddenly Spike's mind cleared, and he understood. It had been trying to kill himself, and not someone else, that had completed his transformation. Killing Dru wouldn't have done it. That would have been the result of obsession, and following the instincts of a vampire. It had been his desire to protect the world from himself, his desire to actually _protect_ of his own will and not because he wanted to show the Slayer he could be good.

Buffy hadn't changed him.

Spike could see it all now. Being in love with Buffy wasn't what had made him what he was. She had been his desire, his inspiration, but she hadn't done it.

He had.

Spike had gone against his own nature because he had wanted too. Buffy had been his catalyst, but he'd done the work. He had mastered himself, and he was now in complete control. And control always felt good.

Spike smiled to himself, and accepted.

-----------

Buffy and Dawn walked home in silence. Buffy was lost in her own thoughts, and Dawn had one guess as to what, or who, she was thinking about. Dawn had seen how shocked her sister had been when Giles had explained Spike's… condition. Sure, Buffy had said that she trusted Spike, but finding out that he was totally not evil any more and it was because of her? It had been hard for her to take.

Buffy knew how mean she was to Spike sometimes. And finding out that he loved her so much as to turn against himself despite all that, it made her feel guilty. It had made her realise that she wasn't any better than him at all, even if he was a vampire. Even if he didn't have a soul.

Buffy realised then how much importance she'd placed on having a soul. Now that she really thought about it, a soul really wasn't all that important. In vampires it seemed to make a big difference, but she'd met so many demons of the non-hurting people variety that it was hard to see a line any more. And there were so many humans that had perfectly good souls that went around and did evil stuff anyway. How much effect did a soul really have on someone?

Buffy shook her head. There was no way she was going to work this out on her own. What she really needed was to talk to Spike. She wanted to know what he'd said to Giles, and he was the only one who could fill her in on exactly how this had happened. And she needed to know, more for her own piece of mind than any worries about Spike.

Buffy snapped back to reality when Dawn asked for keys. She took note of her surroundings and realised that they were standing on her front porch, and from the expression on Dawn's face, they had probably been there for at least a few minutes.

"Sorry Dawn," said Buffy as she unlocked the front door. "I guess I was a little preoccupied."

Dawn grinned. "Thinking about Spike? Hey, maybe now that he's not real evil any more you two can get together."

Buffy still wasn't really paying attention as she closed the front door. "Yeah… what? Hey, no! God, freak me out Dawn."

"Sorry Buffy. Couldn't resist. And I was only joking. I mean, Angel repeat? I'll pass."

Buffy winced at the reference to her past relationship with a vampire. Dawn was right, that was something she should never try again. Vampires and Slayers did not make a good match, at least not romantically. It was a one-way road to disaster. Not that she would even consider it with Spike of all people.

Somehow the thought sounded less convincing than it had previously. Buffy sighed and headed into the kitchen to make dinner. She sighed again as she realised how much cooking dinner had now become a habit for her. Despite everything, coming home to an empty house still seemed strange. Tears sprang to her eyes as she thought about her mother. It had only been a few weeks since she had died, but it seemed like forever and nothing at the same time.

Buffy didn't know how Dawn could cope. It was so hard, they'd now effectively lost both of their parents. They hadn't seen their father in about four years, and he'd never even bothered to try and check up on them. Buffy wondered if he even knew who Dawn was. Had the monks changed his memory to include Dawn like they'd changed hers and the scooby gang's? It would destroy Dawn if Hank Summers turned up with no memory of the girl who was supposed to be his daughter.

Suddenly Buffy found herself hoping that her father never showed up. Dawn had become more important to her than he was. She smiled over the irony of the situation. She now loved a sister that hadn't even existed a year ago more than her own father. Being the Slayer certainly had some unexpected side effects.

-----------

After dinner Buffy and Dawn were washing up, and Dawn decided to broach the subject that she knew Buffy had been avoiding.

"So, Buffy, when are you going to start, like, training again?"

Buffy stammered a bit, trying to come up with a suitable answer that wasn't 'I'd prefer never'. "I… I don't… I was thinking I might, you know… take a break for a while." She said the last part in a rush, and Dawn wasn't really surprised by the answer.

"I understand Buffy, but you know Giles. He said you were doing so good, and he'll want you to start up again." Despite the way she tried to hide it, Dawn really was scared about Glory. She needed her sister to be able to protect her, and at the moment Buffy didn't really seem like she'd be able to handle it.

"I just don't know, Dawnie. I feel… I feel like being the Slayer is turning me into stone."

"Stone?"

Buffy sighed. "Yeah. I mean, I was never there for Riley…" Dawn snorted, showing her opinion of the guy, "not like I was for Angel." Dawn refrained form commenting. "I just… I feel like I can hardly say it any more."

"Say what?" asked Dawn.

"I love you Dawn, you know that right?" Buffy had a hint of panic in her voice.

"Sure. I love you too."

Buffy didn't feel that was enough, and she hugged her sister close to her. "I mean I really, really, love you."

"Getting weird."

"Sorry. But I think it's important that I tell you. Weird love is better than no love, right?"

----------

Spike was sitting on his couch, watching television. His mind was finally at peace, having come to terms with the events of the day. He figured he'd go out and patrol for a bit in about an hour or so. He didn't know if he wanted to run into Buffy or not that night. Maybe it was best to leave her alone for a little while. Let her make up her own mind about him before he said something to ruin it all.

The show Spike was watching finished, and Spike got up to flick channels and see what else was on. He really had to steal himself a remote on of these days. After about five minutes of channel surfing, Spike gave up. Everything on was crap that even he wouldn't watch.

"Maybe I'll start patrol early," said Spike to himself. "Less chance of running into the Slayer that way. Her and the Nibblet are probably still eating." He grabbed his duster and headed out of his crypt.

Wandering through the cemetery, Spike was surprised to find that he wasn't really thinking about anything. Most of the times on his patrol he was normally thinking about Buffy or Dawn or how pathetic he'd become that he was actually patrolling for the Slayer. Now, something was different.

It all felt natural.

It felt like this was what he was meant to be doing. He was doing it for himself now, and not for Buffy. He was even hoping that he wouldn't see her on this patrol. His head snapped up when he heard a twig snap somewhere in front of him. He recognised the figure standing in the shadows. No such luck then.

"Slayer…" he called, wondering why she was standing stock still in the gloom. "what are you doing over there? Don't you normally patrol later than this?"

Buffy walked forward towards Spike, and he instantly became defensive. There was something different about Buffy. His mind took in her clothes, but they weren't the only thing wrong. She was wearing a shirt and jacket Spike had seen on her before, but the skirt was new. And it didn't look like her normal taste, and neither did the shoes.

Suddenly Spike realised what was really putting him off. He couldn't hear her heart beat. Spike backed away and put up his arms defensively. "Get away from me," he snarled. Hoping to all hells that this Buffy person wasn't a vampire. He didn't get that feeling, but she didn't have a heartbeat.

"Spike?" asked Buffy, with a hurt look on her face. "what's wrong?"

"You're not Buffy." said Spike, still backing away. "What are you?"

Buffy smiled, just a little bit too friendly. "Oh, Spike. Are we running that program?" she paused for a second, and then a look of contrived shock and hurt appeared on her face. "Spike, what are you saying? Of course I'm Buffy. Here, let me show you." And she walked quickly to Spike and kissed his hard on the mouth.

Spike was so shocked that he didn't move for a few seconds, then he gathered his wits and pulled away. He'd just realised what was happening, and if Buffy saw this she was not going to be happy. And the trust would be out the window.

It looked like Spike's custom made order had finally been shipped.

-----------

Giles had decided to do a quick sweep of his own, as he wasn't sure that Buffy was up to resuming regular patrols again. He knew that he wasn't good enough to handle the big fights, but a couple of lone vampires shouldn't really pose a problem. He decided to do a run through the cemetery as newly risen vampires were always an easy kill.

Wandering among the graves he heard voices and he realised that he was nearing Spike's crypt. He crept along silently, wanting to get a look at what was going on. Peering around the corner of a large mausoleum, Giles got the shock of his life.

He saw Spike looking absolutely horrified, and backing away from Buffy with his hands raised defensively. Giles' first thought was that Buffy was finally going to stake Spike, and he was about to go out and find out what was going on when he saw Buffy rush Spike and push her lips to his. Seeing this, Giles was about to go out and stake Spike himself when he saw him pull from Buffy with an expression on his face that said he wanted to run away and hide.

Giles couldn't contain himself any longer, he had to know what was going on. He came out from behind the mausoleum and walked over to Buffy and Spike, both of whom sensed his presence and looked at him with completely different expressions. Buffy smiled at him a little too cheerfully, and Spike looked like he wanted to stake himself.

"All right," said Giles, "what's going on…" he was cut off as three vampires appeared from out of the bushes behind him. Spike and Buffy reacted immediately, and Giles was right behind them. Buffy kicked the first vampire to make it to them in the chest, sending it flying into a tree. Spike grabbed the next and began to beat the crap out of it, trying to work out his anger at his own stupidity, and Giles was left to deal with the third.

Buffy followed up on the vamp that she'd kicked, and quickly staked it, more interested in helping Spike than having fun with other vampires. "Spike, be careful!" she called, and tossed him her stake when she saw he didn't have a weapon. Spike quickly staked the vampire and turned just in time to see Giles deal with the one that he'd been fighting, ignoring Buffy's babbling about how she was so worried about him, and he might have been hurt.

Giles had evidently gotten the newbie of the group, but he wasn't a slayer or a master vampire, so he hadn't exactly had an easy time. As such, he'd hadn't seen Buffy fight, and he'd completely missed the way she'd gotten so worked up over Spike being in danger.

Spike told Buffy to stay where she was, and walked over to Giles. "You alright mate?" he asked.

Giles nodded, then caught sight of Buffy standing patiently and remembered what he'd seen. "Spike… what's going on?" Buffy hadn't moved, and Giles approached her curiously. "Buffy, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong Giles," said Buffy cheerfully. "I was just looking for Spike. I was worried about him. And there he is. And he's wearing a coat." Giles glanced at Spike, who shifted his feet uncomfortably.

"Spike, I think I need an explanation."

----------------

Giles sat on the couch and watched as Spike instructed Buffy to hide in the tunnel underneath his crypt and not come out unless he called her. Giles didn't know what to think, but he knew that that wasn't Buffy.

"I'm waiting, Spike."

Spike sighed, realising that he couldn't put it off any longer. "Right. Here's the deal, mate. That's not really Buffy, I guess you worked that out?" Giles nodded. "Well, do you remember when I first told Buffy that I loved her? It was about a week after that. I don't know if the scoobies told you about that robot girl?" Giles nodded again, thinking that he understood and getting a little disgusted. "She threw me threw a window… don’t laugh. Then you guys tell me that she's a robot. So I'm thinking, hey, that's a good idea. I'll never get the real thing, maybe that's second best. So I go to this guy right, and make him make a Buffy robot. He didn't want to, by the way. Anyway, he said it'll take a couple of weeks. I waited, time passed, you know how it goes. And things have changed… it's different now. She… it… showed up tonight, and totally caught be by surprise. I'd completely forgotten."

He looked at Giles, his eyes piercing right through him. "And before you say anything, about how disgusting it is… I know. I don't want the damn thing. Bloody hell, Buffy would kill me. She'd run me out of the damn town, and I've just started to change. I don't want to go back. I couldn't stand it." Spike hung his head. "Please mate, don't tell them. You know what'll happen."

Giles was at a loss for words. When Spike had told him the Buffy downstairs was a robot, he'd immediately thought about how unbelievably disgusting it was. He'd been ready to stake Spike himself if he had said that he wanted to keep it, and…. Giles shuddered. But what Spike had said, and his body language, it totally threw him. Spike seemed genuinely remorseful. That was something new, and Giles didn't know what to say.

He was saved from having to say anything when the door burst open, and some of what Buffy referred to as Glory's 'scabby minions' walked in. He quickly got up and stood next to Spike, trying to work out a way to get out. There were too many of them to fight.

Spike raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Friends of yours, mate?" he asked Giles. One of the minions walked up and punched Giles in the gut. "Guess not," he said, and burst into action. He managed to make a couple of blows connect, but was distracted when he saw the Watcher go down. Two of the minions grabbed his arms and tied them behind his back, holding his so tightly that he couldn't move.

"Don't hurt him," said one, who Spike assumed to be the head guy. "Glory will want the key intact."

Spike struggled wildly, realising who the green guys worked for. "Key, who's a key? I'm not the…" he was cut off when a rolled up cloth was forced into his mouth. The guys on his arms forced him out the door, and he caught one last glimpse of the Watcher lying unconscious on the floor of the crypt.

-----------

Buffy and Dawn finished cleaning up the kitchen, and Buffy headed upstairs to change clothes for patrol.

"Will you be alright if I go out on patrol for a couple of hours? I really haven't been out in a while."

"Sure," replied Dawn. It was nice that Buffy worried about her, but sometimes it got a bit cloying. And Buffy did need to get out and work out some of the frustration she was holding in. A couple of vampires would be perfect.

"Great," said Buffy. "Don’t wait up for me, okay? Go to bed in time to actually get some sleep before you have to get up tomorrow." Dawn had a habit of trying to stay up all night and then being dead tired for school the next day. It reminded Buffy of herself in a way, but at least she had reasons for staying up till all hours.

------------

The slab of concrete that covered the tunnel underneath Spike's crypt was pushed aside and the Buffybot climbed out. "Spike?" it called. "Spike? I waited like you said. But then I missed you." It registered that Spike was no longer in the crypt, and headed out to find him.

------------

There was a knock on the door, and Willow opened it to see Buffy standing there, looking worried.

"Spike's gone."

"What?" asked Willow, confused.

"I came out of the tunnel and Spike was gone. I need to find him."

Willow moved out of the way to let Buffy inside. "Uh, Buffy… why do you need to find Spike?"

"Because he's Spike," said Buffy, as if she was confused that that wasn't reason enough.

Willow didn't know exactly what was going on, but she could tell there was something wrong with Buffy. She needed to keep her here, until she could talk to the expert on Slayers. "Buffy, why don't you wait for a minute, and I'll call Giles. He can… uh, he can help find Spike." Buffy nodded, happy with the reasoning, and Willow went to call Giles.

The phone rang just before she could pick it up.

"Hello?"

"Willow, thank god you're there," came the reply. "We've got a problem. Glory has Spike, and there's something else, but I'd rather not explain it on the phone. I need you to meet me at Buffy's house, I've already called Xander and I'm about to go out looking for Buffy. Dawn said she went on patrol…"

"Buffy's here with me, Giles. I'll fill her in and meet you at her house, okay?"

"Buffy's with you?" he sounded concerned.

"Yeah."

"Is she acting strange at all? Different, maybe?"

Willow glanced at Buffy, who was sitting on a chair and smiling around the room vacantly. "I bit… yeah, I guess. What's up?"

"Don’t worry about it, just… don't let her out of your sight, okay?"

"Sure Giles, whatever you say. We'll meet you at Buffy's house, okay?" She hung up and turned to Buffy. "Okay, here's what we know. Glory took Spike, and we're meeting at your house to take care of it, alright?"

Buffy stood up so fast she knocked the chair over. "Glory will hurt Spike. We have to go now. We have to rescue him. If Spike gets hurt I won't be able to have sex with him."

Willow gaped at her. "What?" Giles had said she was acting strange, but this? This was against all laws of nature. "Spike? Buffy, you can't be serious."

"Of course I am," said Buffy. "I could draw you pictures if you want."

Willow shuddered. "No thanks," she muttered. "Look, whatever Buffy, let's just get over to your place, okay?" Buffy nodded and she and Willow headed out the door.

----------

Xander and Anya arrived at the Summers' house at the same time as Willow and Buffy. Dawn let them in, and they went into the living room to grab weapons.

"So where's Giles?" asked Xander. "He said he'd meet us here too, right? I mean, he said he was going to go look for Buffy, but if she's with you, where's he?"

Willow shrugged. "Don't know. I told him she was with me, and…" she trailed off, remembering Buffy was standing right next to her. "Uh, Buffy, I think you have some more weapons upstairs. Why don't you go grab those."

"And maybe change your clothes," added Anya. "Maybe something a little more… fighty."

Buffy nodded. "I can do that," she said cheerfully. She turned and left the room, her footsteps audible as she went up the stairs.

Dawn looked at Willow confused. "Okay, what was all that about?"

"Something's up with Buffy," said Willow, addressing her comments to the entire group. "Giles asked me if she was acting weird, and said not to let her out of my sight. She came to my dorm telling me Spike was missing, and when I told her Glory had him, she started going on about how we had to rescue him or she's never be able to have sex with him."

Xander and Anya looked shocked, but Dawn just snorted with laughter. "What? That so doesn't sound like Buffy." She fell into a chair laughing her ass off until she caught the serious look on Willow's face. "You're serious?" Willow nodded.

"So she thinks we're going to rescue Spike?" asked Xander.

"What are we going to do?" said Willow.

"Find him, keep him from talking, whatever it takes."

"What about Glory?" Anya tried not to look at Dawn, who was getting increasingly uncomfortable.

Xander shrugged. "Whatever we do, we're going to need Buffy's help."

"Intervention time again?" Willow shot a look at Xander as Dawn got off the couch and went into the kitchen, obviously uncomfortable with the topic.

He glanced after Dawn and then nodded. "Yeah, cause what we need right now is a sane Buffy."

"Whoa, Group hang time?" Buffy walked in, dressed warmly like she'd just been outside.

"That was quick," said Willow.

"Didn't seem like it to me," Buffy replied. "Boring as all hell. Nothing wanted to play."

Xander was confused by Buffy's reply, but they had to get this in the open. "Buffy, we need to talk."

She suddenly looked really worried. "What's wrong? Is Dawn okay?"

"Dawn's fine," said Willow.

Xander spoke up again, refusing to be put off. "Buffy, we're worried about you. The way you're acting, the thing's you've said…"

"It's weird. And wrong." Anya finished for him.

Buffy was completely bewildered by this stage. "There's wrong? What have I done?"

Willow tried to be a bit more diplomatic. "No Buffy, it's just that we're worried about you because we love you. And, well, we're a bit scared."

Anya jumped in again. "We're just kind of thrown by the you wanting to have sex with Spike thing."

Buffy gaped. "The who wanting to how with what?"

"Okay, that's denial, that usually comes before anger."

"I do not want to have sex with Spike!"

"Anger."

Xander spoke up, thinking that he needed to stop his girlfriend watching too much daytime television. "No one is blaming you. It's understandable. Spike is strong, mysterious, and sort of compact but well muscled."

Buffy was really getting confused now. "I do not want to have sex with Spike. But I'm starting to think that you do."

"Buffy, you told me you did," said Willow. "That was exactly what you said. We had to find Spike so you could have sex with him."

"Who's having sex with Spike?" came an in