~ Convinced ~

Author: Sandy S.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All belongs to Joss.
Summary: Set around “Dead Things.” Buffy tries to convince herself that she doesn’t need to worry about Spike.

* * *

At one point, she convinced herself that the love would come.

Aside from the fact that her friends and family would never approve, that what she was doing went against every Slayer and vampire, every good and evil rule, she convinced herself that time just needed to pass.

After all, she’d once told Angel that she wanted to die when she kissed him. Angel was a vampire, and she loved Angel. . . still loved him.

Why wasn’t the same thing working with Spike?

The pat answer was that he didn’t have a soul. That was an easy answer. . . a high school, don’t-ever-lie-to-me answer.

Even without the soul, she knew he wasn’t like other vampires. . . not even Angel. Spike loved. . . he’d loved Drusilla for over a hundred years. Angelus had loved, but the emotion had been merely a remnant of what had been. And too many human relationships barely lasted a year, if that.

No, she couldn’t quite wrap her mind around what that meant about Spike.

She was too tired from trying to summon the will the live. . . from latching onto any feeling and clutching onto it for dear life just so she wouldn’t have to fall back into the pit of numbness.

Sometimes she thought that she might be thinking about the thing with Spike all wrong.

Maybe what mattered was what her. . . relationship with Spike said about *her.*

And if she focused on herself, she could forget having to understand Spike.

Right?

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