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Spectacular Spuffy Smut So, that masterpiece you’ve been writing is coming along nicely, but you’ve hit a snag… it’s time to write the smut. So, exactly what is the secret to writing really great Spuffy sex? Reality! “But this is fantasy sex!” You screech at your computer screen. Well, yes it is. However, part of the allure of fantasy, lies in it’s believability. So the object of the game is to give your reader’s libido a kick-start, while keeping it real enough that they could see it actually happening in real life. So, how do you prevent people from laughing, cringing, or crying at the inherent wrongness of your smut? Well, there are many common pitfalls that writers run into when writing sex scenes, here I will elaborate on some of them. 1) Proportions. Sure, we all know that Spike is hung like a horse. But let’s at least keep it in the realm of human possibility. When describing Spike’s penis, take a moment and ask yourself the question, “If I was approached with that thing…would I run the other way?” In our younger years, we often think that bigger is better. But keep in mind, that while being sired does endow one with certain abilities, it does not increase the size of one’s penis. (To our knowledge, anyway. If Joss counters this at some convention, please let me know!) You are certainly more than welcome to enhance him a little, but keep it somewhere under 9 inches, and equal to or smaller than the circumference of your wrist. The same applies to Buffy. No woman desires to be described as a bottomless chasm, nor does she want to forever be so small that an average penis would cause physical pain. Ordinarily, the vagina may appear fairly small, but it can stretch to accommodate a diameter of roughly three inches. More than that usually results in tearing. Ps. There is no need to actually quote a length. Unless Buffy carries a ruler around with her, or knows the specific dimensions of Mr. Pointy, and prior to sex she forces Spike to lay it out for comparison, and frankly that would make me wonder why, and that’s a subject I don’t even want to touch! 2) Anatomical terms. Sure, we all use slang when speaking of anatomy. However, be sure to use slang that you yourself would normally use. When talking to your friends, do you describe a guy’s penis as his ‘man meat’ or ‘schlong’? No? Then don’t use it in your fiction. 3) Dialog. There are several do’s and don’ts when writing dialog during sex scenes. First, Spike isn’t prone to excessively long speeches anyway, so keep it simple. Second, women do not announce when they are coming unless they are staring in a porn film. For the most part, neither do men. There is an exception to this rule. During oral sex, most men do have the courtesy to let a woman know that he is about to have an orgasm. Third, in general, men and women do not cry out the name of their partner at the moment of orgasm. During the course of intense sex, it often happens, but not at that moment. That particular moment is usually reserved for inarticulate sounds, meaningless words, etc. If any proper noun is used, it is typically ‘God’. You should also refrain from drawing out your dialog. Instead of, “Yeeeeeeesss, oooooooohhhhhh Spiiiiiiiike,” try a simple, “Yes!” and follow it with descriptive sentences to tell the reader exactly what is going on. Dialog is great, but describing what is happening is even better. If you are going to use dialog, try to keep it as close to proper grammar, or normal speech as possible. Let your words paint the picture, instead of the dialog. 4) Foreplay. Even when a woman is really horny, she still requires a little bit of preparation by the male to ensure that she is truly ready. Women typically love foreplay, so be sure to embrace it. Fingers, tongues, and various other things, all make for wonderful foreplay. Just remember, keep it real. If you wouldn’t want it done to you, you might consider something else for your foreplay. 5) Weeping penises, and dripping vaginas. These expressions are usually a fast way to get someone to laugh at your fiction. Yes, there is precum. Yes, a woman becomes lubricated. However, “weeping” of a penis tends to elicit thoughts of STD’s, and most women do not have rivers running down their legs. 6) Cold. Dead. Seed. Better known as coming. Most men do not expend buckets, or even tablespoons, of semen. And Spike may be dead, but he isn’t cold. More like, luke warm or room temperature. If you are writing your sex scene at the north pole, them feel free to use the term cold when referring to Spike’s come. However, unless you want a lot of snickering, please, please, please, refrain from using the term, ‘cold dead seed’. It’s not necessary. We know Spike is dead. However, by that point in the sex Spike would be pretty close to the same temperature as Buffy’s body due to friction and heat transference.
7) Deflowering. Make it believable, no matter whom you are deflowering. Buffy may be the slayer, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t going to hurt. Yes, with time, work, and proper lubrication, pain can be reduced, but it’s still going to be a bit on the owie side. If it’s William, or an amnesiac Spike, he’s not going to be the raging stud with perfect form who can get his partner off in 2.5 seconds. However, he may need an 8 second buzzer if it is his first time. You may be happy to know, that after a recovery period, most men can last much longer on subsequent attempts, even during the same session. 8) Kink/Vanilla. Feel free to use any and all positions that you can locate in a sex manual. Feel free to think of a position that you yourself enjoy, or think you would enjoy. But this is a really great place to use the “believability” rule. I can’t even begin to elaborate on sex positions I’ve read that would be anatomically impossible, no matter how flexible Buffy and Spike are. So, picture it in your head, or draw it using stick figures if necessary. If you can’t make it work in your head or in pictures (or with your own partner, a really great way to research your fiction sex!), then it should probably be left out of your fiction. If you are going to explore a particular kink, such as threesome, BDSM, or anal, or various adult toys, then do your research. There are a lot of really great resources on the internet about these subjects, and there is way too much for me to properly include here. Keep in mind, that sometimes the most romantic sex is pretty vanilla, and conversely, it can be some of the kinkiest stuff you’ve ever imagined. Married couples, and non-married couples often have a variety of types of sex. Romantic sex, rough sex, kinky sex, routine sex, it just depends on time and mood. Not all sex has to be romantic, and not all sex has to be hot. Vary your sex. Your readers will thank you for it! 9) Simultaneous Orgasms. Generally speaking, these take a lot of experience to make happen. It depends greatly on each partner knowing the other’s body remarkably well, and knowing the exact cues that an orgasm is imminent. Not only that, but it also depends on one’s ability to have ultimate control over their own orgasm, which takes a lot of practice, and familiarity with your body. Therefore, routine simultaneous orgasms are not a very common occurrence. 10) Regular Orgasms. Male orgasms, tend to be fairly well written. But keep in mind that on occasion, it is possible for a male to have sex and not have an orgasm. (Or, at least not the mind blowing, chest heaving kind.) Female orgasms are another story entirely. There are different types of orgasms for women. There is the full blown, Technicolor, acid trip, looks like a seizure, type that tend to be written. They are great, but consider that there are other types as well. Another common orgasm is the kind that generally sneaks up on a woman. It may build very slowly, with the woman not fully realizing the imminent precipice, until it hits her. This kind is felt more inside that manifested outwardly, but it can be very emotionally intense, sometimes more so than the one described above. Either one is accompanied by an increase in blood supply to the area (swelling), and muscle spasms inside the vagina, and uterus. And, though many women don’t recognize the smaller orgasms, many women will experience more than one in a longer sex encounter. So feel free to give your female more than one, but vary them up a bit. 11) Anal. I know that this makes a lot of people squeamish, but it is a fairly common kink, if not often spoken of in the real world, and thus deserving it’s own notations. You can use just a hint of it, in the form or minimal stimulation by a simple finger, either externally or internally. Or, you can going to go all out, but you need to keep a few things in mind. First, it takes a lot of preparation. It requires lubrication, and plenty of it. It requires stretching, usually via fingers in the same manner as general vaginal foreplay. It requires time for the stretching, it doesn’t happen instantly. And the first time, it is going to be pretty uncomfortable. With time and practice, it gets easier and takes less time to prepare for, so keep that in mind. Don’t get me wrong, when properly done, the combined sensations of anal stimulation, in addition to vaginal or clitoral stimulation can combine to form complete sensory overload that is guaranteed to have a woman begging for more. 12) Fellatio. Also known as, the blow job. Let’s face it, men love it, and most women are either uncomfortable with it or not sure how to do it. Now, some women do think it’s the greatest thing there is, but I’ve never heard anyone actually describe a man’s penis as a yummy lollipop, or knew instantly not only how to do it, but was able to deep throat it no matter how small it is. A little realism can be a wonderful thing even in writing fellatio. It is about as intimate as a woman can get to a man, so let’s go with Buffy exploring Spike. Finding out what turns him on. Maybe some gentle instructions from him, and some warning when he is about to come is always nice. She could mess up once in a while, a little too much teeth, not enough sucking power, or even tugging too much when combining hand and mouth. No one is perfect. Also, come on; do all of us
really like swallowing? So,
why we would write how wonderful it tastes? Let Buffy spit it out
occasionally, or have her pull back and let him come on his stomach. Unless it’s hard-core we’re writing, there can be a lot
of love and caring shown even if we don’t show Buffy as the best blow
job giver that Spike’s ever had.
So, now that you know a few basics, give it a shot. Just be sure to remember the rules. Keep it somewhat realistic. If it turns you on, then chances are it will turn someone else on. If it’s something you are curious about, research it first, and then include it. The same applies if you’ve never had sex before. Research, research, research! Stay in character. Buffy and Spike, need to remain Buffy and Spike, no matter what sex they are having. Joss gave you plenty of versions of both characters to play with, so stick with their characters. Take the time to really describe the scene and the actions. The reader wants to know what’s going on. Paint them a detailed picture, but try to keep some balance as well. If it looks or sounds like the script to a porno, you might want do a little rewriting. And remember, having a proofreader, can be an indispensable tool. Remember, make us believe it could happen! (I would really like to thank everyone who helped write this article, with their contributions, comments, and knowledge. A particular thank you goes to Kantayra and Mrs. Muir!)
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