TITLE: If I Could Fake
AUTHOR: Ragna (writinggoddess@aol.com)
RATING: FRT
CLASSIFICATION: Cordelia/Doyle musings
SPOILERS: All of "Angel"
DISTRIBUTION: Slay This, other sites with my fic up. Everyone else just keep my name on it and let me know.
DISCLAIMER: If you don't recognize it, chances are it's my own creation. If you do, Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Kazui Sandollar, FOX and the WB own it or them. I'm just holding Spike hostage. Carolyn's got Xander, May's got Oz, Cathryn's got Ethan, Shelly has Angel, and Gillian has Doyle. You may see them by appointment only. Each title contains a lyric from Four Star Mary's "Run."
FEEDBACK: Sorry I'm not home right now I'm walking in the spiderwebs so leave a message and I'll call you back...in other words, I want it. Don't care if it's onlist or not.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Still dedicated to Mids. And to Queena, for writing two awesome Buffy/Oz fics that gave me inspiration to write just a wee bit more tonight.

***

The next morning was hard, and as Cordy got ready she looked in the mirror and repeated her new mantra:

"Doyle knew I'm special. He knew it."

It made her feel only a bit better, but not too much, because she knew he wouldn't be there to see her that morning. He'd never see her again.

She picked up his jacket, which she'd only taken off long enough for a quick shower and a change of clothes, and slipped the letter into the pocket.

The leather smelled like him. She'd picked up the aftershave he'd worn from his apartment, and going against all fashion protocols dabbed a little on her pulse points. She didn't care if people gave her strange looks; she wanted him to be close.

And if that meant doing things that her very nature screamed wasn't right, she was going to do it.

***

Wesley looked up in surprise. "We didn't expect you in today."

"Well, I'm here. Get out from behind my desk." She stood looking down at him. "Now."

Wesley stood up and moved to the side, allowing her to pass. "Let me get your jacket."

"No!" she said sharply, then calmly, she repeated the word. "I don't want to take it off."

"But it's warm in here."

"Wesley," Angel said as he came out of the office, "drop it. She isn't going to take it off."

Wesley nodded, sitting down on one of the shabby couches. "May I ask why?"

"You can ask, but you're not getting an answer," Cordelia said, not looking up from the invoices she'd pulled from her drawer.

Wesley shook his head. "Never mind then," he said, a bit hurt.

***

At lunch, Cordelia tentatively walked over to the stairs.

The stairs where Doyle might have told her the truth, had the vision not struck. She shut her eyes, trying not to break down again, wondering why she'd gone there.

It was as if something was guiding her.

She sat down where he had sat, carefully removing the letter from the jacket pocket.

***

"I hated lying. I think it's one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do.

Remember one of those times when we'd been talking, and you said how you hated demons? I thought I'd had a chance at getting to know you until that moment. But you didn't know, so don't think you're to blame.

The lying cost me some time. I could have told you earlier, maybe you could have seen past the demon part of me, maybe cared for me, maybe loved me... Enough with the maybes, right, Princess? There's a lot of things that aren't going to happen, and it's my fault.

I know you at least liked me, just a bit. I don't think I've felt as needed as when you talked to me after the whole thing with Harry, except maybe when I was teaching. Most of me thought you were just telling it to me to get me to stop moping, but a part of me hoped you were speaking about the truth.

The truth...I hope that's what it was."

***

Cordelia smiled, running her fingers over his handwriting, tracing the carefully written letters. She barely noticed someone standing behind her until his shadow fell on the paper.

"Are you okay?"

Cordelia smiled up to Angel, a tiny smile. "Sit down."

Angel sat next to her, looking at his feet. "What were you reading?"

"A letter."

"From Doyle?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

"You know, I saw him write part of it. He locked himself in my office for over an hour trying to write it. I asked what was going on, and he said he couldn't get the words right."

"He's got them right so far," Cordelia said quietly. Tears started to form, and she quickly wiped them away. "I didn't realize he cared so much."

"If it helps, I think he fell in love with you at first sight."

"Then why didn't it happen for me?" she asked, looking at Angel, tears threatening to fall again.

"I...I don't know," he said, putting his arm around her shoulder. "I really don't know."

"Angel?"

"Yes?"

"Hands off the jacket."

He couldn't help but smile just a little as he removed his arm. "Sorry."