TITLE: Damaged Beyond Repair?
AUTHOR: Ragna (writinggoddess@aol.com)
RATING: FRT
CLASSIFICATION: Buffy/Spike musings
SUMMARY: Buffy realizes what a mistake she's made...
SPOILERS: Set after "Damaged." I'm figuring about two weeks later, give or take.
DISTRIBUTION: Any sites with my fic up; you all have unspoken permission. I write it, you can post it. Everyone else just keep my name on it and let me know.
DISCLAIMER: If you don't recognize it, chances are it's my own creation. If you do, I don't own it. Joss Whedon, Kazui Sandollar, The WB, UPN, et. al. most likely do. The song "Maps" belong to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
FEEDBACK: Please send it offlist and let me know it's feedback; I do rapid delete on my account due to a lot of spam.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I have had this song stuck in my head for days. Downloading it just to exorcise it didn't help. So, this is my final attempt to get this (absolutely bloody brilliant) song out of my head for a little while...

***

Buffy looked around her room. Rome seemed so white, so pure. Even her soon was white, letting the sunlight coming in through the open window fill her room with it's brightness.

But she felt anything but bright. A stupid little comment that Andrew had misinterpreted, then gone off and told Angel, was going to ruin her life.

She didn't mistrust Angel; far from it. She'd trust him with her life, even if he was connected with that stupid firm. It was the firm she didn't trust, not Angel and his friends.

And then... God, then Andrew told her Spike was alive, after he'd gone and destroyed any chance of there ever being anything between them. If Spike was helping Angel, then Angel must have told him what Andrew said. And Spike would have every right to be pissed.

She didn't want to think anymore. She just hit play on the CD player and threw herself on her bed.

She'd really fucked things up. Stupid Andrew. Stupid, stupid Andrew. She was surprised she hadn't hit him when he'd loftily repeated what he'd said.

God, he thought he knew everything. He was so wrong...

She'd been dreaming about Spike every night. At first the dreams seemed so real she swore he was visiting her from Heaven or something. But then the dreams became fuzzier and blurrier...

And then they'd just...stopped.

She finally realized she loved him, she really did love him, the first night she didn't have a dream. She had woken up the next morning and cried until her eyes were red and she couldn't stand it anymore.

And then she cried some more.

She had to see him. She had to see Angel, too. Explain what she had really said. Tell Angel it really was over. Tell Spike she really did love him.

She had to leave. Rome was no longer a welcoming place; now, the brightness was too bright, like it was trying to scorch her for being so stupid. It was time to move on.

She went to her closet and grabbed her suitcase. Dawn could stay; she'd ask Faith to come and watch her if she stayed in Los Angeles longer than two weeks.

It could all work if the situation wasn't too badly damaged. If it was damaged beyond repair, she had no clue what she'd do.

As she flung clothes into the suitcase, the brightness in the room seemed less harsh. Maybe it was a sign she was doing the right thing after all...