TITLE: Farewell Blues
AUTHOR: Ragna (writinggoddess@aol.com)
RATING: FRC
CLASSIFICATION: Spike POV, Spike/Buffy musings
SUMMARY: Spike gets to thinking about what might have been.
SPOILERS: Set after "The Cautionary Tale of Numero Cinco." Spoilers for the final episodes of Buffy ("Chosen") and Cowboy Bebop ("The Real Folk Blues").
DISTRIBUTION: Any sites with my fic up; you all have unspoken permission. I write it, you can post it. Everyone else just keep my name on it and let me know.
DISCLAIMER: If you don't recognize it, chances are it's my own creation. If you do, I don't own it. Joss Whedon, Kazui Sandollar, The WB, UPN, et. al. most likely do. The song is "Blue" by Mai Yamane and The Seatbelts. It's from the anime series "Cowboy Bebop." I also own nothing about the charachters or storyl;ine mentioned for "Cowboy Bebop", but I don't know who that belongs to.
FEEDBACK: Please send it offlist and let me know it's feedback; I do rapid delete on my account due to a lot of spam.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I decided I wanted to write something just sad and hopeful at the same time.

***

There isn't much you can do as a ghost. I can pick up a mug, whopdie-freaking-doo. But I can't do what I want. I want to leave Los Angeles, for one, get away from Angel and this whole...place. I hate it here.

I want to find Buffy, to really make sure she got out okay. I won't believe it until I see it with my own two eyes, but I won't see it unless she comes here, and as long as Mr. Broody's around, she won't be.

At least I'm not alone; Fred spends time with me. She even got into this neat anime about these space bounty hunters and lets me stay in her office and watch them along with her. For her, it's a way to relax. For me, it's a distraction, momentary as it is.

Tonight is the last episode. The main bloke, aptly named Spike, finally found the woman he's been searching the galaxy for. They have to get away from Vicious. He's after them because Julia, the woman, was his before she was with Spike.

And she dies. He dies, too, both of them do. They fight and they die. At least Julia died in Spike's arms. Spike and Vicious, they die in a stupid fight, and Spike dies alone.

I knew this before part two even started.

There's something so sad and so simple about this song. And it gets me to wondering: are Angel and I going to end up like Spike and Vicious, supposing I ever get my life back? Are we going to fight to the death over a woman we both love who really doesn't belong to either of us?

She never belonged to either of us, and she never will. But would I give up my life again to save her? Yeah, I'd do that with no questions asked.

It's not fair that I have no life anymore. But I was granted this...gift, maybe. I'm still here in spirit. I can belong even if I don't belong. I exist.

I wonder if she'll come here. I wonder how she'll react when she sees me. She told me she loved me when she left and I told her she didn't mean it. What if she did and I was too bullheaded to realize it?

I hate all this wondering. It makes my head hurt.

Angel won't talk about her, acts like she doesn't exist anymore. Maybe for him she doesn't, but I can't stop thinking about her. I bet the others think I cozy up to Fred because I'm attracted to her. I don't. I like her because she reminds me more of Dawn than Buffy.

No one around here is like Buffy. I don't think there's anyone in the world like her, and that's good. But like I said before, I want to see for myself that she's okay. I wish I could pick up a phone like I pick up a mug and dial the number to her, whatever it is, and make sure she's okay.

I have no illusions. Even if I were to become 100% human, if I were alive in all definitions of the word, and she was presented the choice between Angel and I, she'd probably choose Angel. It's destiny. Kismet. Fucking fate threw them together, and I doubt I could separate them even if I tried.

But if it made her happy, I'd be happy for her. I think. I don't know. If she chose Angel, I don't know what I'd do. Now, I'm not so sure I want to see her here. I don't know what I'd say or do, or how I'd react.

But I just want to know she's okay. That she's safe with Dawn and the others, that my closing the Hellmouth really was something heroic. Or not even that...as long as it mattered to her, I could deal with that, and maybe finally accept what I did as something more than a fluke.

I want to know how she really feels, you know? I don't want to have to search for her forever only to lose her in the end.

I don't want her to be my Julia.