TITLE: Don't Wake Me From The Dream
AUTHOR: Ragna (writinggoddess@aol.com)
RATING: FRT
CLASSIFICATION: Spike/Buffy, Dawn/Connor, Spike/Dawn friendship; Dawn POV.
SUMMARY: Spike goes on a suicide mission to save Buffy...even though it means Dawn could lose both her friend and her sister.
SPOILERS: Set after "The Girl In Question."
DISTRIBUTION: Any sites with my fic up; you all have unspoken permission. I write it, you can post it. Everyone else just keep my name on it and let me know.
DISCLAIMER: If you don't recognize it, chances are it's my own creation. If you do, I don't own it. Joss Whedon, Kazui Sandollar, The WB, UPN, et. al. most likely do. The song "Echo" belongs to Trapt. The fic title and first line of the story are lyrics from the song "Blue" by Mai Yamane and the Seatbelts.
FEEDBACK: Please send it offlist and let me know it's feedback; I do rapid delete on my account due to a lot of spam.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I decided, after having this challenge up at my Challenge Swap for about a month with no response, to answer it for myself and put up a new challenge. So here is what I lovingly called:
THE QUOTES
Since I've already used "Blue" in another fic, I'm using one lyric at the very beginning of the fic, and another lyric as the title.
***
Life is just a dream, you know.
Maybe it's really a nightmare. It feels that way to me. I'm all alone now.
Well, I'm not alone. I'm with Angel in Los Angeles now. I'm not with him with him, since I happen to be dating his son, but I live with him for the moment. At least until I can get an education, get a job and a place of my own. Have a normal life, as normal a life as a glob of mystical energy can have, anyway.
To be honest, I'm not even supposed to be here. Everyone knows I was put in everyone's memories; nothing I remember is real up until that day about three years ago, maybe four, when I really began to exist.
But...Spike never made me feel like less of a person, even though I guess I really am.
Stupid Spike! Why'd he have to go rescue her? Why couldn't her leave her alone, like she wanted?
I came back to Los Angeles, even though I'd never really ever lived there, a few months ago. Buffy knew there was something bad, really bad, going on in Rome. Had something to do with her boyfriend The Immortal. Not that he was in on the big badness, but he was involved. It was a vendetta, I think. I'm not sure...Buffy shipped me out here to Angel and Spike.
I knew they'd just gotten done fighting with the Senior Partners at the law firm they'd all joined up with. I knew Wesley hadn't made it. I even knew about Angel having a son who remembered him but lived with other people, about the spell Angel had cast so that his son could be normal.
Normal...Connor and I can joke about the fact we both are about as abnormal as they come. It's one of the few times lately I've smiled or laughed. Connor's a good guy. I guess that's the main reason I love him. He's sort of for me like Riley should have been for Buffy: a slice of something normal.
Anyway, I got here, got settled in, and tried my damnedest not to worry about Buffy. As long as I got my daily e-mail, I could panic a little less, assure myself that she was okay and that everything was fine and eventually she'd come to Los Angeles and give me a hug. Something like that. It was what I wanted to happen, what I was wishing for so much it hurt.
And then one day I didn't get an e-mail. And then another day passed, and another...within a week I was a frigging mess.
Now, I know Angel loves Buffy. And I know Spike loves Buffy, too. I knew when they found out, they'd start plotting and planning to go to Rome and find her, The Immortal be damned. And I was worried. Spike's been pretty important to me for a long time and all the time I'd been spending with Angel made me feel like he was a friend, too.
I never expected Spike to just take off and leave me a note.
You know, once Connor asked me about her. Asked me to describe her, and I really couldn't think of anything except physical stuff, which I didn't need to describe because of all the pictures I have. He wanted to hear about who she was, why his father loved her. And that's understandable. All I could think of was this analogy I'd heard on an anime I watch.
"Like an angel from the underworld. Or a devil from paradise."
That, that was my sister. If you knew her, if you loved her, she'd hurt you somehow. Maybe she wouldn't mean to, but she would. Angel went to Hell for her, and Spike...Spike died for her, twice.
When Spike left, I think Connor asked Angel, "Is it for the girl?"
In the end, with Buffy, I guess the answer's always yes.
***
"I'm not going there to die. I'm going there to find out if I'm really alive."
It was bullshit, of course, the whole note he left for me to read. Especially that line: Spike wasn't going to find my sister so he'd know if he was alive; he was going there to see if *she* was alive.
Angel was smart. Angel followed him. Whether Spike ever knew it or not, Angel was behind him. I guess Angel knew Spike better than Spike knew himself.
When Angel came back yesterday, he came back alone. I threw myself into Connor's arms, pounded at his chest, sobbed, scratched his face...I hurt him until I couldn't lift my arms or hands up anymore.
But I hurt him. God I think that was as bad as finding out Spike and Buffy were gone.
When I finally sank to the floor, Connor just knelt down and held me. There were fresh scratches on his face; every time the blood got close enough to touch me he'd wipe it away with the back of his hand. I was already hurt...he didn't want me dirty as well, I guess.
I couldn't make it to the shower myself. So Angel picked me up and Connor followed. Angel left and Connor helped me get undressed. He'd never seen me naked before; I was too embarrassed. Right then, though, I didn't care.
He sat on the floor of the tub, his back to me, and he talked. Not about anything in particular, he just talked. He's so smart. He knew just what to do.
He kept me out of the living room while Angel transferred Spike's ashes into a small red and black urn with a gold dragon on it.
When I was done soaking, almost done crying, and ready to hear what happened...
Well, I wasn't really ready to hear what happened, but I needed to. I had to.
I had been handed a pair of flannel pants and a camisole to wear when I got out of the shower, and when I was dressed and settled on Connor's lap, his arms holding me gently. Angel began.
The Immortal was dead. Someone had found a way to kill him, using the Slayer's blood. They hadn't even needed much of it; the bad guys had sliced her palm and held her by the wrist as they collected the few precious drops. Then they anointed a sword and killed the Immortal with it.
Buffy was furious. She went after as many of the perpetrators as she could, but in the end she started to not care. The only thing keeping her going was me, Angel had found out after he saw the final battle. Buffy went after anyone who was even thinking about coming here to the States to hurt me.
When Spike got there, he got there in the middle of a huge street fight. She was out numbered about fifty to one. They were down to thirty to two when Angel arrived on the scene. He fought the vamps trying to enter the fray but he left Spike and Buffy alone.
When he first told me that I was furious, but then he pointed out that Buffy was grateful that Spike was there. He wasn't sure he's have gotten the same reaction, and that may have caused the turn in the fight a lot sooner.
It happened pretty quickly anyway, Angel said. Buffy was slicing off one demon's head while another came from behind and stuck a small knife into her kidneys. Buffy fell to the ground and Spike went to her, not caring about the other demons around. Angel started fighting more in the forefront.
Buffy saw Angel and smiled, told Spike she was glad her two heroes were there. She wasn't doing so well; she knew she only had a few minutes left. She took Spike's hand and held it. Spike bent down and kissed her forehead. Angel said he could have sworn Spike was crying.
And then Buffy, my sister, the only family in the world I had left that actually gave a shit about me, died in the middle of a street in Rome.
Angel went to Spike, who was quiet. Very quiet. The kind of quiet that scared even Angel. The demons were gone, and Spike had closed Buffy's eyes and crossed her arms over her heart, positioning her elbows so her wound was covered, The bright red blood still seeped onto her shirt and the cobblestones below.
Spike brushed a hair away, then stood up and took the stake Kendra had given her, Mr. Pointy, from her pocket.
"I'm going to die tonight," he said quietly. Angel just nodded. No way to stop him, he told Connor and I later.
"What...what did she say?"
"About her two heroes being here?"
"No, I heard that. I mean, right before she died."
Spike nodded. "She said, 'It's all a dream.'"
"And you said what, Spike?"
"Yeah, just a dream." He took out a cigarette and lit it, taking one last puff before throwing it aside. He shrugged off his leather jacket. "Pretty sure Buffy's got the Nibblet well taken care of, but this is for her to remember me."
And then he held the stake to his chest, saying just one word before he plunged the stake through his heart and crumbled into dust: "Bang."
When Angel said that, then handed me the jacket, I couldn't take anymore. I curled into Connor, wrapped the duster over both of us and sobbed some more.