TITLE: And The Cow Says...
AUTHOR: Ragna (writinggoddess@aol.com)
RATING: FRT
CLASSIFICATION: Former Buffy/Riley
SUMMARY: Willow goofed on a spell, and Riley pays the consequences.
SPOILERS: Set in season five of Buffy. It's an alt universe where Buffy and Riley broke up after "Buffy vs Dracula." Set about six months later.
DISTRIBUTION: Any sites with my fic up; you all have unspoken permission. I write it, you can post it. Everyone else just keep my name on it and let me know.
DISCLAIMER: If you don't recognize it, chances are it's my own creation. If you do, I don't own it. Joss Whedon, Kazui Sandollar, The WB, UPN, et. al. most likely do.
FEEDBACK: Please send it offlist and let me know it's feedback; I do rapid delete on my account due to a lot of spam.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: At the Heroes Awards (http://www.shades-of-moonlight.com/hero/index.html), there's an award that can be won called "The Hero Award," which you get by answering a challenge. I chose the cow challenge.

***

Buffy looked at Willow. "Okay, say what?"

"Like I said. I...uh...I turned him into a cow."

Buffy stared at Willow. Then she slowly turned her gaze to the large cow in front of her. "And it's a female cow," she said matter-of-factly.

"As far as I can tell, yeah." Willow started to laugh. "And the cow says 'Moo'..."

"Willow, we can't keep a cow in the dorm! Even if it is Riley. Especially because it's Riley!"

"I know!" Willow kept giggling.

"We need to fix this."

Willow appeared only slightly serious. "Buffy, I can't even turn Amy back from a rat into a human. How am I going to deal with a cow?" She started laughing. "Now I have a cow, and a rat...what next?"

"I have no clue." She picked up the phone and started dialing. "I hope Giles is home..."

***

Giles looked at the destruction that was Willow and Buffy's dorm room.

Buffy glared at her boyfriend, Spike, whom she was threatening with a stake.

Willow was giggling over the broken picture frames while Tara started to clean up.

Xander just stared at the cow.

"What happened?" Anya asked from behind Xander.

"Apparently, a smart-ass remark from me," Spike said. "All I said was it wasn't a surprise Riley looked better as a female cow than a male human."

Riley stamped his hoof and faced Spike.

"So he destroyed their room based on that?" Anya said. "I think it's kind of truthful. Blunt, but truthful."

"See, love?" Spike said to Buffy. "I'm not the only one who thinks the big heifer's got a cowpie shoved up his arse."

"Enough," Giles said. "Before we can do anything else, we have to decide where he stays."

"I think he should stay with Spike in his crypt so he can destroy everything of Spike's," Willow said, still giggling.

"I don't have anything the gender-shifting moo head can destroy," Spike muttered.

"Moo head? That's lame," Buffy said. She thought for a moment. "Isn't there any farms around here?"

"Nope," Xander said. "Closest farm around is somewhere south. And we have no way to transport him, anyway."

"I can try a transport spell," Willow ventured.

"No!" Everyone shouted.

"Yeah, we wouldn't want this mess covered in ground beef now, would we?" Spike added. "Look, the crypt will be fine. I can see about getting some money out of my grandsire for an apartment for Buffy and Willow, since this is all my fault, and I bet your mum will let me stay at your place."

Buffy pulled the stake away. "How nice an apartment?"

"That depends on how much I can weasel out of the great poof."

"Sounds like a plan," she said. "But no weaseling him too much; just because I'm dating you now doesn't mean I don't like him anymore."

Spike shook his head. "All right love. It would have been even more fun than seeing what would happen if we tried to tip old soldier boy over."

***

"All right, Willow," Giles said patiently. "Now, tell us what was going on?"

"Well, I'd gotten some Coke from one of the guys down the hall," she said, "and I didn't realize how much rum they'd put in it. I mean, I could taste it, but it tasted good, you know? So I got more. And more, and more, and more..."

"But why were you casting a spell?"

"I wanted the little floating light thingies to pay me a visit. And I wasn't too happy with Riley breaking up with Buffy when he was the one with vampire issues. I mean, just because Buffy and Spike hooked up right after they broke up--"

"Willow."

"Oh. Right. Anyway. I wanted them to point me to Riley. They did. I told him Buffy was at the dorm and she wanted to talk. He went. I cast the spell. Now he's a cow." Willow started giggling. "Moooooo..."

"I think I found a way to reverse the spell!" Xander said, looking up from the pile of books in front of him. "But..."

***

"You so owe me for this, Giles," Buffy muttered, milking Riley. "Why am I having to do this?"

"Because you're the only one that's been that...close...to him," Giles said, trying not to laugh. "That's why."

Buffy scowled and continued to milk. "Is there a way we can keep Willow from doing magic?"

"Why?"

"Because I never want to have to milk a cow who just so happens to be my ex-boyfriend even if he is a female cow ever again, that's why."

"Oh, I doubt she'd do this exact same spell twice."

"Still."

Giles sighed. "I think you can stop now. We have enough milk."

"Thank goodness." Buffy stood up and glared at the cow. They were in the middle of the graveyard by Spike's crypt. "I'm going to go home now."

"All right." Giles held the book with the counter spell in front of him, dipped a ladle into the milk, and began to chant.

***

"What do you mean, it didn't work?" Buffy asked. Everyone was in the crypt, staring at the cow.

"I did the spell three times, until I ran out of milk. Buffy, he's not going to be human again, not with that spell at least."

"Well, what should we do?" Willow asked, squinting her eyes. She pulled out a bottle of aspirin and dry swallowed two.

"I have an idea," Xander said.

***

"I thought you said there weren't any farms around," Buffy said, watching the truck with Riley in it drive off.

"There aren't. But there is the Sunnydale Petting Zoo. Elementary school kids take field trips there all the time."

Buffy shook her head. "Somehow, I doubt that was what he had in mind when he told me we'd lead better lives if we were apart..."