Your Love
Chapter Sixteen
Buffy
inched her way slowly down one of the long passages that led through the caves.
Drusilla stayed behind her trying to guide them to Spike as best she could.
Buffy’s own special senses picked up the trace of a vampire as they neared the
end of the passage and she signalled for Dru to stay quiet and still.
Hiding
in the shadows the two women took in the scene before them. Spike was chained
to the far wall, his arms stretched suspended above his head. His bare chest
was covered with burns and bruises; his flesh had been pierced by metal pokers
and marked with crucifixes. Buffy winced as she looked at him. Riley had tried
to take away the cocky English vampire who was close to stealing her heart,
and hurt him he had, but he had not defeated him. Spike’s head remained raised,
his teeth set to try and will away the pain of the torture. Buffy remembered
what Cordelia had said about her vision. No screaming. Buffy knew instinctually
that the blonde vampire hadn’t cried out once, nor begged for release. He had
taken all the pain, so that Riley would have to kill him without the pleasure
of breaking him.
She
saw Riley then, emerging from the shadows in the opposite corner, sword in hand.
Drusilla almost cried out as Riley approached Spike, only Buffy’s urgent grip
on her arm preventing her from doing so. The two women were united now against
a common enemy. They both knew it wouldn’t last once they had rescued Spike,
but for now they took comfort in the other’s presence.
“She
doesn’t love you. She may be obsessed or infatuated or something, but she doesn’t
love you. And she never will,” they heard Riley saying as he advanced upon Spike.
“Won’t that hurt you? Knowing you’re going to die for a woman who never gave
a damn about you.”
“Ah,
but I always knew she didn’t love me. Never thought I had a chance. You on the
other hand wished every day that Buffs would give you some sign that she loved
you as much as Angel, and look where that got you. The point is mate, she doesn’t
have to love you as much as Angel; she just has to love you, to care about you.
You had it all and you threw it away ‘cause you were insecure. Wanker! If I
had her, I’d cling on so tight and never let her go. Wouldn’t give a toss if
she had loved the great poof an extra inch, because I had her, she chose me.
She did choose you, didn’t she? God knows why. Girl’s always had pretty bad
taste in men if you ask me, ‘til now that is. And you ruined it, stupid sod.
So don’t think I’m going to whine like you because Buffy isn’t hopelessly in
love with me. You’ve been at this for hours and I haven’t cracked, though you’re
becoming more unstable by the minute. Either kill me or let me go, ‘cause frankly,
I’m just bored now.”
Riley
let out a shout of pure fury and charged at Spike. Buffy jumped up from her
crouched position and ran quickly towards the two men. Drusilla raised the crossbow
and fired at Riley’s back. The arrow sped quickly past Buffy and embedded itself
in Riley’s shoulder. He turned with a shout of pain and was met by Buffy’s fist,
which sent him flying back across the cavern.
Buffy
advanced upon Riley as Drusilla ran to Spike. “Spike, my pet, are you ok?” Spike’s
lips quirked at the question and he nodded slightly. “Yeah. Apart form the pain.
The keys are on the table ducks,” he said nodding towards the corner where Riley
had piled his supplies of holy water, crosses and other assorted weapons.
“You
killed Faith,” Buffy spat as she loomed over Riley, “And you’re trying to kill
Spike.” She leant over and dragged her former boyfriend to his feet. “I think
it’s fair to say that things aren’t working out between us Riley,” she hit him
again sending him smashing into the wall. He recovered quickly this time and
returned her attack, backhanding her across the face.
Drusilla
supported Spike as she unchained his arms and his weak body fell limply to the
ground. As she bent to unchain his legs, Riley picked up the sword he had dropped
when the arrow hit him and turned back to face a weaponless Buffy. Spike’s eyes
never left the pair and he shouted a warning to Buffy as Riley approached her.
Drusilla turned her head to look at the pair then back to Spike. He loved Buffy;
she could see it glowing in his eyes along with the fear. As her mind flashed
with happy memories of times they had shared over the past hundred years, Dru
came to a decision. Without pausing to think why a soulless vampire was willing
to help the Slayer for the man she loved, Drusilla caught up the sword Buffy
had dropped and threw it to her.
Buffy
caught the sword, thankful that Drusilla had kept her word to help her, and
defended herself against Riley’s savage attack. He wasn’t as skilled as she
was however and was soon at a disadvantage. As he tried to defend himself he
hooked his foot around Buffy’s leg and she went crashing to the ground. He followed
her down, straddling her waist and pinning her arms above her head. The shock
of the fall left Buffy helpless for a moment and Riley used the time to hit
her savagely across the head, slamming her head against the ground.
Spike
cried out as Riley continued to beat Buffy, every hit making her less able to
regain control and defend herself. Drusilla stared at the Slayer, knowing now
what she had to do to make things right. She looked at Spike, his eyes locking
with hers as she leant close to him. “I love you Spike. I never stopped.” She
kissed him gently and when she pulled away her eyes were clear and focused.
“Tell Daddy I did good. Be happy with her, my sweet.”
As
she jumped to her feet Spike realised what she was planning and tried to catch
her as she moved across the room towards Riley and Buffy. “Dru, No!” he cried
hoarsely, the tears that were threatening to fall burning the backs of his eyes.
Buffy
couldn’t focus, not believing she had lost control of the situation so easily.
She had to do something. She had to move out of this position and start beating
the crap out of Riley. The former military agent was intent on hurting the small
blonde Slayer, and didn’t notice the black-haired vampiress approach.
Drusilla
pushed Riley violently off Buffy, stepping over the Slayer and continuing to
advance of the young man, as Buffy rolled away and got to her feet. Spike untied
the shackles at his feet as quickly as his drained body could and then stumbled
across to the Slayer. She caught him as he fell towards her, and he croaked
desperately in her ear, “Stop her; help her, please!” Buffy looked, confused
at the blonde vampire and then across at Drusilla. She immediately saw what
was going to happen and started to run across the cave.
Drusilla
and Riley fought angrily, each battling for control, Dru’s anger spurring her
on. She wanted to hurt him as much as possible before the inevitable happened.
But Riley was quick to find a stake among his vampire-torture chamber and lunged
at the beautiful demoness.
Dru’s
face held a look of pure peace as she glanced back at Spike and whispered, “I
love you.”
Then
she disintegrated.
Then
there was silence.
****
“Where
do you think Oz could be?” Willow worriedly asked Giles as they walked quickly
though the town. Tara and Cordelia had joined together to continue to search
for Riley, and the Witch and Watcher had left them at the cemetery.
Giles
looked down at Willow. His annoyance at her actions had faded once he had seen
the look of fear on her face. It was just such an awkward time for something
like this to happen. “Well, uh, he usually goes out to the woods yes? I think
we should try looking there first.” He smiled at Willow, trying to reassure
her that everything would be ok. She smiled back nervously, trying to take comfort.
****
Spike,
Buffy and Riley stood frozen for a second, before Riley launched himself at
the Slayer, knocking her to the ground. Spike growled in fury as an enraged
haze filled his mind. Without stopping to think of the pain which attacking
Riley would induce, he ran toward the young man, dragged him fiercely away from
Buffy, and threw him down onto the ground. Riley smirked cruelly up at him,
“You can’t hurt me. We both know that.”
Spike
didn’t know that. He couldn’t think clearly. All he could see was Riley killing
Dru; Riley beating Buffy; Riley torturing him. He pushed past the pain, letting
his demon emerge as he pounced on the boy, each punch hitting its mark. He couldn’t
stop, the demon taking pleasure in being able to attack again after so much
time.
Riley
shakily pulled the crucifix from the back pocket of his trousers and pushed
it into Spike’s unprotected chest. The vampire recoiled in pain and the young
man used the opportunity to stagger to his feet. He kicked out at Spike, hitting
him squarely in the head. He tried again, but Spike was ready this time and
grabbed his foot, twisting the leg so that Riley crashed down to the ground.
Riley rolled away and jumped up once more and the fight continued in earnest.
Buffy
raised herself groggily to her elbows and looked around the cave. Riley and
Spike were battling furiously and she knew had to help. As she raised herself
ungracefully to her feet, she looked again at the two men, shocked. Spike was
fighting. He was hurting a human. With intent. But he wasn’t in pain.
Spike
held Riley pinned against the wall. He had to end it. He had to punish Riley
for his sins. The evil in this boy was far more dangerous than the evil in him.
He lent closer, knocking Riley’s head to the side and bearing his neck. “She
never loved you,” he whispered in Riley’s ear before he sunk his fangs into
his neck. Riley cried out at the pain, his open eyes staring wildly across the
cave. He lost consciousness as the blood drained from his body and Spike supported
his limp body as he continued to drink.
Buffy
remained glued to the spot as she watched Spike drain her former boyfriend.
She didn’t know why she hadn’t tried to stop it, but something held her back.
She knew somehow that Spike’s actions stemmed from a kind of rage she understood.
Once she had been intent on killing this very vampire because of the threat
he posed to Angel. Riley had killed the one woman Buffy knew Spike worshipped
beyond all else. She understood completely.
Spike
dragged his teeth from Riley’s neck, tearing the flesh a little. The body dropped
to the ground and Spike turned away violently. When he saw Buffy, standing watching
from across the cave, his eyes widened and his handsome human features descended
upon his face once more. He dropped wearily to the ground as the fog in his
brain lifted and he realised what he had done. ‘Oh God,’ he thought,
‘She hates me now.’
Buffy
started to walk across to Spike, worried that he was injured. He was still hurting
from Riley’s earlier torture and needed rest. As she crossed the entrance to
the cave, the werewolf jumped from the shadows, knocking her on top of the aching
vampire. Buffy looked back towards the wolf as it stopped and growled menacingly
at them. Buffy looked around for something to defend them with and cursed when
she couldn’t see anything close enough.
The
werewolf looked from the tangled pair to Riley’s body in the far corner and
seemed to take a minute to think. Then he launched himself over the vampire
and Vampire Slayer, and proceeded to savage Riley’s lifeless body.
Buffy
didn’t have time to worry about what the werewolf was doing. She needed to get
them out of there as quickly as possible. “Spike?” she said looking down at
the blonde vampire, “Can you move?” He murmured vaguely in reply and Buffy helped
him to stand.
As
the two emerged from the cave they saw Willow and Giles running towards them.
“Buffy, oh God, are you ok?” Willow asked her best friend as she ran up next
to her. Giles helped to support Spike’s weak body, taking some of the weight
from the bruised Vampire Slayer. “I’m
fine Will,” Buffy nodded, reassuring her friends, “Spike needs rest though.
And probably some first-aid.” Buffy smiled gently at the vampire who had fallen
into unconsciousness.
“Yes,
well, we’ll get him home then,” Giles said repositioning Spike’s arm around
his shoulders.
“But
what about…?” Willow began, her eyes pleading with the Watcher.
“What
about what?” Buffy asked seeing Willow’s fearful look.
“Oz.
Tara and I did a spell, but it went wrong and now he’s a werewolf,” the witch
explained in a rush. Buffy looked at her friend wide-eyed and then back towards
the entrance to the caves. “What?” Willow asked as Buffy continued to stare.
“Um. Oz, he… I think he… He’s in there.” Buffy stammered.
“What?
Is he ok? What’s he doing?” Willow moved towards the caves, holding the tranquilliser
gun trained on the entrance. Buffy caught her arm and pulled her back. “No,
don’t Will. Leave him. I’ll explain later. Can we just get Sleepy here home
before my arms fall off.”
****
Buffy
pulled the quilt over Spike’s sleeping form, smoothed his mussed hair back from
his face and switched off the bedside lamp. She slowly walked across the unfamiliar
room, the light from the corridor guiding her to the door.
As
they had made their way back from the caves, Willow had called Angel to tell
him they had found Spike. The ensouled vampire had rushed to their aid, carrying
Spike easily to the mansion, which was closer than Giles’ apartment.
Buffy
walked along the corridor from Spike’s room to the great hall, where she found
Angel sitting, head lowered, in front of the fireplace. He looked up as she
approached and forced a smile to his lips. “Is he ok?”
“He’ll
live,” Buffy reassured him, then she frowned, “In the not living sense obviously.”
She flopped down next to him on the couch, closing her eyes and resting her
head back.
“How
about you?” Angel asked, looking at her intently.
“I…”
she sighed. “When all of this catches up with me, I’m going to cry for two days
straight,” she managed without opening her eyes. “I’m ok actually. This has
all been pretty routine, don’t you think?”
She
turned her head to look at him and he raised an eyebrow. “Routine?”
“Well
yeah. Friends in danger, torture, murder, weird hellmouth thing, vampires, my
boyfriend turning into a homicidal maniac, more death… fairly average couple
of days in the life of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”
“Buffy
I’m…”
“No,
it’s not your fault. I just wish this didn’t keep happening.” Buffy stared up
at the ceiling.
“So
do I,” Angel sighed sadly.
Buffy
reached across and took his hand. “I’m sorry about Dru,” she said quietly, knowing
that Drusilla’s death must be giving him considerable pain. In the last two
days, three of the most important women in his life had died. Granted Faith
wasn’t exactly gone, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t grieving. He had hurt her
more than anyone. “We tried to stop her, but… well I think she wanted to prove
to Spike that she still loved him, and was sorry for what she had done. Well
at least that’s what I hope she was doing.”
Angel
nodded. “Yeah. I think that’s what it was too. Once again however I didn’t get
a chance to say goodbye. You know, there are so many things you find you want
to say to people when they’re not around anymore to hear them. Things I kept
putting off saying to Darla, Drusilla, Spike, and Faith; things I really need
to say. And then there’s you…”
Buffy
sat up and looked directly at him. “What about me? Haven’t we said everything
already?”
“Buffy
I know there I things I’m not allowed to say to you anymore, but that doesn’t
mean I don’t want to say them. The idea that someday, something might happen
to you I won’t be able to tell you how I feel…”
“So
tell me now,” Buffy said, “and we won’t have to worry about it anymore.”
“I
love you Buffy. I told you once that in over 200 years, I’ve only ever loved
you, and that’s as true today, as it was the day I said it. I want you to know,
to believe that that is never going to change. We’re not the same people now
as once we were; we don’t live in each other’s worlds anymore. You’re going
to meet someone and fall in love and that’s good… you should do that… and deep,
deep down, I want you to know that, I’ll be happy if you’re happy. Not ‘perfectly
happy’ of course, ‘cause you won’t be with me… but I’ll be glad that you’ve
found someone you can share your life with.”
“You
weren’t happy about Riley,” Buffy interrupted, not knowing why she needed Angel’s
input on the subject.
“No,
well, that’s ‘cause he was an arrogant, insecure bastard, who attacked me and
hurt you. Look I promise when you meet the right guy, I’ll be with you all the
way, but Riley… can I ask what you actually saw in him?”
“He
was the opposite of you. That made me feel safe,” Buffy murmured, finally able
to tell Angel the truth about her former boyfriend.
“Did
you love him?” Angel asked, unable to look at her in case she said yes.
“No
I didn’t love him. I thought I might be able to, but there was something missing.
I don’t know what.”
“Excitement
maybe? I’m not talking about life and death stuff, ‘cause I’m sure you’ve had
plenty of excitement in that area. I mean your heart didn’t skip when he entered
the room, you didn’t spend hours thinking of seeing him, and you didn’t dream
about things you might do together. His voice didn’t make your blood sing, and
his kisses didn’t…”
“Alright,
gees, enough already,” Buffy turned away embarrassed as she realized that Angel
no longer moved her in those ways either. She loved him, a part of her always
would, but things were different now. No she hadn’t been as excited by Riley
as had been by the vampire sitting next to her. If she was truly honest the
only man who had aroused those types of feelings in the last year and a half
had been Sp…‘You can’t tell Angel that!’
She
thought about what Angel had said about telling people things before it was
too late. She needed to talk to Spike. When he woke up they were going to have
a proper conversation, one they’d been avoiding for the past three and a half
years.
****
Anya
snuggled next to Xander in bed, glad that Spike was safe and Riley was no longer
a threat. They could try and get back to normal now. It wasn’t even late, but
the events of the last few days had caught up on them, and they had given in
to their bodies’ need for sleep. “Xander are you ok?”
“Yeah,
why?” Xander replied holding her tight.
“Just,
that it feels as though I’m going to snap in two any moment now.” Xander released
her a little and she wriggled slightly trying to get comfortable.
“It
just feels strange. Everything that’s happened. Riley going crazy ‘cause Buffy
didn’t love him enough…” He stopped suddenly and turned his head to look down
at her. “You know I love you right. I mean I do love you Anya and I don’t think
I’ve ever said it, but it’s true. I love you.”
The
former demon looked up at her boyfriend in wonder. “I don’t know what to say,
I… Xander. I love you too.” She started to cry gently, tears of happiness coursing
down her face. He held her beautiful face gently in his hands and softly kissed
away all her tears. “I need you and I love you, Anya.”
She
beamed up at him and laughed lightly. “Make love to me.”
****
Tara
flicked the switch and her small room was flooded with light. She and Willow
entered exhausted and slumped down wearily on the bed. Their small black cat
jumped up between them and purred softly, nestling into the covers.
“Are
you sure everything’s alright Willow?” Tara asked, rolling over to face her
girlfriend. Willow sat up and pulled the cat onto her lap, stroking her tenderly
as she spoke, taking comfort from her warmth.
“Yeah.
I don’t know why Buffy wouldn’t let me go get Oz, but she must have had a good
reason. She said he wasn’t hurt, and that we should just go get him in the morning.
She seemed to think he’d still be there.” Willow hadn’t argued with Buffy when
she’d seen the look in her eyes. Something was strange, but it would probably
be best all round if she never found out.
“But
are you ok with Oz being here? If he stays, will it be…” Tara got up off the
bed and started to tidy her desk. Her immaculately tidy desk. Willow looked
at Tara puzzled, before realising that the other witch was still anxious about
Willow’s feelings for Oz. She walked over to her girlfriend and slowly turned
Tara to face her.
“Tara,
I do love Oz. He’s a part of me. Like Xander’s a part of me. They make me, me.
I couldn’t be who I am without them. So if Oz is back for good, that’ll be great,
eventually. After all the weirdness goes away. There aren’t many people in the
world that I love. Four actually, if you don’t count Giles who’s really more
of a dad to us all… Buffy, Xander, Oz… and you Tara. Never think I don’t want
to be with you. I love you.”
She
leant forward, closing the gap between then and brushed Tara’s lips gently with
her own.
****
It
was nine o’clock when Spike awoke. He was disoriented at first, until he recognised
his old room at the mansion. The one he’d lived in alone for months while Dru
had been with Angel. The one in which he’d planned his Sire’s downfall. Spike
didn’t regret it; Angelus had taken the most important thing in his unlife from
him. He would never regret trying to keep Dru, trying to put things back to
the way they had been.
‘If
only I’d known then what I know now… How different would things be?’ he
thought as he stared around the black room, his vampiric vision allowing him
to see everything perfectly. The
only thing he had actually regretted since that fateful night two and a half
ago was leaving Buffy with a sword at her throat. If he’d realised then that
he was in love with her, he’d have dropped Dru in a heap on the floor, and gone
to Buffy’s aid. ‘Still, maybe things worked out for the best,’ he thought
as he carefully sat up in the bed and switched on the bedside lamp.
As
the light flooded the room he remembered. Dru was dead. She’d allowed herself
to be killed to give Buffy some time to stop Riley. She’d sacrificed herself
for him and she wanted him to be happy with Buffy. “Buffy,” he said aloud and
pushed the covers off the bed, pulling on the black trousers and light grey
jumper that Angel had thoughtfully left out for him. The trousers were a little
too big, so Spike fished out a belt from the chest of drawers and then made
his way out into the corridor. His wounds had healed quickly and the only reminder
to him of his torture at Riley’s hands were the aches that followed him as he
moved and the unwanted images that flashed through his brain.
Spike
sent up a silent prayer of thanks to his Princess for helping him and Buffy,
and hoped that she knew he forgave and loved her. Now all he had to do was talk
to the woman he loved so completely. Buffy needed to know he loved her, even
if she didn’t feel the same way.
He
walked slowly into the great hall,
unsure of what to say to either Buffy or Angel. They weren’t there. He stood
in the doorway considering places that they might have gone to wait or rest
when he heard someone shift on the couch. He smiled, thinking that Buffy must
have fallen asleep and tiptoed across to his Slayer.
His
eyes widened when he saw Buffy, curled in the arms of his Sire, fast asleep.
They both looked so peaceful, so content and Spike felt as though his heart
was being ripped in two. This was what she wanted. What she had always wanted.
Angel not him. It would never be him. ‘You’re beneath her, remember?’
the demon inside him called out and Spike closed his eyes against the pain welling
inside of him once more.
Spike
walked quietly backwards out of the room, careful not to disturb the sleeping
pair. Once he reached his bedroom he picked up his duster and put it on, before
running out of the mansion into the night, before the tears he had been holding
back since Dru died, started to fall.
Chapter
Seventeen
Buffy
awoke slowly and nuzzled her head into Spike’s neck. “Mmmm,” she groaned trying
to get closer, running her hand up his chest and then around his side to hold
him tightly to her. She pressed a kiss against his neck, liking the cool feel
of his skin against her lips. “Spike,” she moaned, leaning up so that he could
kiss her.
“Uh,
Buffy?” Angel said, confused as to the Slayer’s behaviour. He was tying his
hardest not to react to her, but if she kept wriggling like that…
Buffy’s
eyes shot open and she stared at Angel. ‘Oh God! What did I do? What did
I say?’ She pushed herself up away from him and rubbed her hands over her
face. “Hey. Sorry about falling asleep on you. Don’t know what… I mean, I must
have been really tired.”
Angel
sat up next to her and nodded. If she didn’t want to tell him why she’d been
moaning Spike’s name, he wasn’t about to ask. “Are you ok?” he asked instead.
“Me?
I’m fine. Fine, fine, Buffy’s fine,” she rambled, jumping up away from him.
This was all too confusing. She didn’t see Angel’s smile as she turned away.
“Uh, what time is it?” she asked, leaning over and grabbing his wrist to look
at his watch. “Half nine. Two and a half hours sleep. Do you think I should
check on him?”
Angel
had to bite his lip to keep from smiling this time. He was afraid to answer
her in case he burst out laughing. ‘She’d probably die of shock if you laughed,
pal,’ his mind called out to him and his resolve weakened. As quickly as
he could he stood, turning away to hide the enormous grin that covered his face.
“Yeah. Why don’t you go and sit with him for a while,” he said eventually, getting
himself under control. He turned back to her, his usual brooding countenance
once again in place.
Buffy
looked at him quickly and then walked to Spike’s bedroom, hating that she might
have hurt Angel. “But you are going to hurt him, idiot. He’s going to find out.
You should tell him,” she muttered to herself as she pushed open the bedroom
door. The bedside lamp was switched on but Spike wasn’t in the bed. Buffy looked
around agitatedly. The clothes Angel had found for Spike were missing, as was
his beloved duster, which Beth had brought earlier. “Spike?” she called, walking
out into the hall, “Spike?”
Angel
heard her calling and walked quickly to find her. “Buffy. What’s wrong? Where’s
Spike?”
“I
don’t know. He’s not in there and his clothes are gone.”
Angel
could hear the worry in her voice. Spike would undoubtedly be feeling better
than he had been earlier, but he still wasn’t back to his old self. “Don’t worry,
we’ll find him.”
Buffy
shook her head and walked back through the great hall and out into the conservatory.
She noticed that the gate at the top of the stairs was standing open and she
could see the moon shining brightly through the arch.
“Oh
no. Angel,” she called and the vampire was beside her in a second. “He went
out. We have to look for him. He must have seen us on the couch and…” Buffy
was talking quietly to herself, but Angel understood where her fear stemmed
from. “We’ll search,” he said patting her shoulder gently. Her eyes filled with
tears and he cursed. Once he had been so good at comforting her, hadn’t he?
“I’ll get my coat,” he said quickly and turned back towards the house. When
he returned with his coat however, Buffy was gone.
****
Spike
was miserable. He sat at the piano on stage at the Bronze, letting all of his
feelings tumble out one after another. The blonde vampire had walked the streets
for a couple of hours, not really knowing where he was going or caring what
happened to him. Eventually he had found himself outside Sunnydale’s only club,
which by that time had closed for the night. He had broken in, determined to
drink the place out of alcohol, but when he had saw the piano at the side of
the stage he decided to take the long route to the bar.
Now
as he thought about the night’s events, he pounded the keys harder. He had done
the one thing he had promised himself he would never do over the last three
months. He had hurt Buffy. He remembered the look on her face as she watched
him kill Riley. She’d never forgive him for that.
Buffy
heard the soft music as she entered, keeping to the shadows so that Spike wouldn’t
see her. But the undead Englishman was engrossed. Buffy moved closer.
He
could smell her. It felt as though she were right there with him. How long had
he felt like this? It seemed as though she had always been with him; always
been part of him. His fingers moved over the keys without his bidding, as the
words tumbled passionately from his mouth.
“She
may be the face I can’t forget,
She
may be the beauty, or the beast,
She,
who always seems so happy in a crowd,
She
may be the reason I survive,
Buffy
could hardly breathe as Spike’s fingers wove magic over the keys during the
instrumental section. Her hearwas beating wildly in her chest; the blood rushing
in her ears. Who was he singing to? And he was definitely singing to someone.
Did he still love Dru that much?
“She
may be the reason I survive,
Buffy
opened her mouth to call him back but it was too late; Spike had ran out of
the back exit. Buffy gave chase.
“Spike!”
she shouted, angry that he kept running from this; that they both kept running.
He
slowed. Stopped. It was time to face it. Time to tell the truth. She deserved
to know. Deserved an apology for the way he had acted earlier. But he didn’t
know how he could do it.
“What
now Slayer? Another meaningful conversation in an alley? Isn’t this getting
a little old?”
“This
is about Dru isn’t it. You’re still in love with her,” Buffy said gently. “I
know it hurts but eventually…”
Spike
still had his back to her and he smiled sadly. “Alright love. If you like, it’s
about Dru.”
Buffy
winced slightly. ‘You wanted him to say it was about you, didn’t you?’
her mind whispered. “Are you alright?” she asked aloud.
He
turned around to face her. ‘No, I’m not alright, you stupid bitch! You’re
standing ten feet away from me, and all I want to do of grab you and kiss you
and shag you into the ground, ‘cause I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t
make love to you soon!’ He really couldn’t say that. He searched for a neutral
topic. “How’s your mum?”
“What?”
Buffy was surprised by the question.
“Your
mum. Joyce. How is she?”
“She’s
doin’ ok. Getting better.”
“That’s
good.” He spoke sincerely. He liked Joyce. “I, uh, have a present for her, if
she’d like it.”
Buffy
nodded, unsure what to say next. He’d never answered her question. She tried
again. “Are you ok?”
Spike
laughed. At least she’d lost none of her determination.
“Me?”
he asked quietly, astounded that she was thinking of him at such a time. “How
are you?”
It
was Buffy’s turn to be shocked. “What?”
“Riley.
Are you alright?”
Buffy
nodded slightly, confused.
“I’m
sorry.”
“Don’t
lie. You hated him.”
"Yes,
but I’m sorry it happened like that. I knew when I saw your face… Please, you
have to believe I never wanted to hurt you.” He walked a little down the alley
away from her. “I couldn’t do that. Not now,” he started to laugh, “Funny ain’t
it? Spike, the badass vamp, with a chip in his head and a chip on his shoulder,
not being able to say, I love you.”
“What?”
Buffy asked softly. Was he really saying this?
“I
love you. William the Bloody. Slayer of Slayers. I’m in
love with you.” He rolled his eyes and threw his arms in the air in defeat.
“Just kill me!”
“You
love me?” Hearing it was infinitely more satisfying than suspecting it. She
felt a warm glow in her stomach.
“I
love you. And I hate it. I hate it and I hate myself for it, ‘cause I can’t
hate you. I love you. And seeing you with Riley, that was a thousand times worse
than Angel, ‘cause at least I knew that was true love. You’ve haunted me for
three and a half years, and now I’m here and I can see you everyday and it’s
hell, because I can’t touch you, or hold you. And up ‘til now, I couldn’t even
tell you how I felt. And that… song, that was the only way I could say it. The
only way I could tell the truth. ‘Cause the truth, that scares me.”
He
stared at her for moment, scared and confused, before he seemed to realise what
he had done, what he was saying. “Shit!” He turned and ran quickly down the
alley before Buffy could stop him.
****
"Will,
it’s me. I need to talk to you,” Buffy was bouncing nervously on the spot outside
Willow and Tara’s dorm-room. Her sharp knock had disturbed the two witches who
were trying, once again, to de-rat Amy Madison.
Willow
opened the door quickly, realising from her friend’s tone, that there was little
time before Buffy simply kicked the door down. “What is it? What’s wrong?” Willow
asked standing aside and allowing Buffy to pass by her. Tara saw Buffy’s agitation
and decided to leave the two best friends alone. “I’ll be in the library if
you need me,” she said, picking up her bag and history texts, and giving Willow’s
hand an understanding squeeze as she passed.
As
the door closed behind Tara, Willow turned anxiously to Buffy, her own fear
heightened by Buffy’s tension. “Buffy, are you ok? Has something else happened?
Tell me.”
“He
loves me!” Buffy spluttered quickly, sitting down on the bed for a moment, before
standing again and pacing the room.
“Who?”
Willow asked, feeling as though she’d joined the conversation half way through.
“Spike,
of course!” Buffy was almost yelling. She didn’t know what to do, or say, or
think, or feel, or how to react.
“Of
course,” Willow breathed, finally understanding.
“Is
that all you have to say? Nothing else? No, ‘what’s he thinking Buffy’? Or,
‘what’re you thinking, Buffy’? No exclamations of, ‘Oh My Good God’?
‘Cause I really think that’s what I need right now. Not understanding acceptance!”
Buffy was gesturing wilding with her hands. She had thought that it would be
easy to deal with. Finding out Spike’s true feelings had been one of main priorities.
But hearing him say the words and watching him get so confused by his own feelings…
Him. Who was always in control, who always knew what was going on. If he didn’t
know, how was she supposed to know?
“But
it’s easy to understand, isn’t it?” Willow smiled, stopping her friend’s pacing
and putting her hands on Buffy’s shoulders. The Slayer stared at her, her face
showing Willow that it certainly wasn’t easy to understand. “It’s not?” Willow
said, her own forehead now wrinkling in confusion. “But you said you said you
had feelings for him.”
“Feelings
that he’s incredibly afraid of… God!… I need him to understand; I thought he
did. One of us has to.”
“Understand
what?” Willow asked, losing the thread again.
“US!”
Buffy really was shouting now.
“Alright
Buffy. I think we need to sit down and start this again, ‘cause you lost me.”
Willow pulled Buffy over to the couch and they sat down. Buffy took a couple
of deep breaths, while Willow tried to remove the confused look from her face.
“Start from the beginning and keep going ‘til the end and then I’ll speak, ‘kay?”
Buffy
nodded and started to tell Willow everything she’d ever felt about Spike, from
the moment she saw him in the alley behind the Bronze three and a half years
ago, to the conversation they had had earlier, in the exact same place. She
told her about the arousal, the initial fear, the thrill of excitement and the
pleasure of spending any time in his company. She explained his ability to read
her like a book and understand all her inner most thoughts and feelings, and
how his behaviour had changed towards her in the last few months. She detailed
the night they’d spent together a few weeks back when she’d forced him to tell
her about the Slayers he killed and he’d forced her to realise that there wasn’t
any way of fighting it, that one day she’d want to give in. She paid particular
attention to the fact that he hadn’t killed her and how complex their relationship
had been ever since.
“Wow!”
Willow sighed when Buffy had finished, finally seeing the cause of her friend’s
confusion.
“Tell
me about it,” Buffy said, burying her face in her hands.
“Buffy…
do you love him?” That was the only thing Willow really needed to know. She
knew Buffy and secretly she had thought for a while that Spike would be incredibly
good for her friend. Buffy needed someone who would love her absolutely and
stand by her no matter what, but also someone who would stand up to her and
fight with her when she needed it. And Spike wasn’t really that bad, was he?
‘I mean he’s got a lot going for him. Handsome, smart, strong, funny… there
are others… I just can’t think of them all right now!’ Willow thought.
Buffy
looked across at her best friend and knew that Willow at least would understand.
“I do. I do love him.”
Willow
exhaled loudly and smiled. “Then that’s all that’s important. Buffy, do you
remember what you told me, your first day here? ‘Life is short. Seize the day
‘cause tomorrow you might be dead.’” Willow quoted. “If you think you have a
chance at a moment’s happiness… then go for it.” Willow squeezed Buffy’s hand
tightly, reassuring the young Slayer that she would always be there for her.
“Thank
you,” Buffy said, her eyes misting and her throat choked with tears. She and
Willow hugged for a few minutes before Buffy pulled herself together and stood.
“I really should go; there are a few other people I should see before I do this.”
Willow
nodded and walked with her to the door. She gave Buffy another quick hug and
then whispered with a devilish grin, “Ring me with the details!”
****
Buffy
took a deep breath and knocked on the door of Xander’s apartment. She had gone
to Willow first, not only because she was her best friend, but also because
Buffy knew that of all the people she needed to talk to, Willow would be the
most understanding. Xander on the other hand would be least understanding. Well
probably Angel would be least, but Xander was right up there with him in intolerant
heaven. ‘Now Buffy, he has good reason,’ she scolded herself, knowing
that Xander truly cared about what happened to her.
Anya
opened the door and waved Buffy inside, her expression telling the Slayer that
she was not at all happy about her being there. “Hey Buff,” Xander called appearing
in the doorway of the master bedroom, “What’s up?”
“We
were in bed,” Anya stated, and Buffy raised her eyebrows at the pair and smiled.
“Then
I’ll leave you to it,” she said turning back to front door. “I just thought
you might like to know that Spike’s in love with me.”
“What?”
Xander shouted, stepping in front of Buffy so that she couldn’t leave. “Fang-face?
Deadboy Junior? We are talking about Spike right? Our Spike? Vampire, blonde
hair?”
“Yes
Xander, our Spike. He loves me.” Buffy was enjoying causing someone else some
confusion for a change.
Xander
opened his mouth and then closed it again immediately. He stared at Buffy, not
knowing exactly what to say next. Anya rolled her eyes and sighed, accepting
that she and Xander were never going to get back to where they had been earlier.
“Well, duh. Wasn’t that obvious?”
“What?”
Both Buffy and Xander turned to Anya at the same time.
“What?
You know now, so what does it matter if I knew?” Anya shrugged and went into
the kitchen, leaving the two friends alone.
Xander
looked down at Buffy again and saw she was expertly avoiding his gaze. That
could only mean one thing. “You love him too, don’t you?”
Buffy
looked up at Xander startled and knew he wasn’t going to like it, but he deserved
the truth. “Yes.”
A
thousand and one thoughts flashed through Xander’s mind as he tried to find
the right thing to say to show her how he felt. ‘What? Are you crazy? Have
you lost your mind? He’s evil. He’s tried to kill you. He’s tried to kill me…
and Willow. He’s your mortal enemy. He’s a vampire. You’re a Vampire Slayer.
Didn’t you learn anything with Angel? He’s just going to hurt you…’
As
he looked at her though, he realised that there was only really one thing he
could say. “If he ever hurts you Buffy, I’ll kill him.”
Buffy’s
eyes widened as she realised that Xander was giving her his blessing. Her face
broke into a huge smile and she thanked God that she’d been given such good
friends. She threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly and he hugged back
twice as hard. “Thank you Xander. You’ll never know how much this means to me,”
she whispered softly, the tears returning to her eyes.
“Yeah
well,” Xander smiled slightly, embarrassed.
“I
think it’s great!” Anya shouted from the kitchen. Buffy and Xander laughed slightly
to each other at Anya’s forceful words. “I hope you’ll be very happy,” she said,
returning from the kitchen with a cup of coffee, “And I promise that, one day,
when you and Spike are in the middle of some hot, sweaty, incredible sex, I’ll
come and knock on your door and disturb you.”
Buffy
laughed and gave Xander a quick kiss on the cheek. “When Spike and I are in
the middle of hot, sweaty, incredible sex,” Buffy said opening the front door,
“We won’t answer.”
****
Giles
frowned, concerned, at the expression on Buffy’s face when he opened the door
to her. She moved past him into the apartment with a tight smile and walked
over to sit on the couch. Giles removed his glasses and placed then on his desk
before joining her. He waited for her to speak, knowing that whatever it was,
was causing her considerable torment, by the fact that she was chewing on her
bottom lip. He smiled reassuringly at her and she started to cry.
Giles
looked at her bemused for a moment before hugging her to him. She cried softly
in his arms for a few minutes before the tears started to recede. He passed
her a handkerchief and she blew her nose, wiping the tears from her face with
the backs of her hands. As she had predicted, the events of the last few days
had eventually caught up with her and the fatherly expression on Giles’ face
had pushed over the edge.
As
she continued to sniffle quietly, Giles went into the kitchen and made a pot
of tea. Neither spoke until he was again seated next to her on the couch.
“I’m
sorry Giles. You must think I’m pretty dumb. After all I’ve seen and faced,
the last couple of days shouldn’t really have much of an effect on me.”
“Nonsense,”
Giles admonished gently, passing her a mug and offering her a biscuit. “These
past few days have been hard on all of us, but you most especially.”
“No,
I think I’m way down the list. Faith, Spike, Angel… it’s been worse for them.”
“Yes
it has, but you’ve had a lot to deal with, new emotions running through you
and the stress is finally catching up. And all that business with Riley…” Giles
wasn’t exactly sure how best to help her with that.
“Right,
Riley. The worst part is, I’m not going to miss it. I mean, sure, sometimes
I’m gonna look around and think, where’s Riley? But after all he did… Kinda
put things in perspective.” Buffy swallowed audibly, knowing that if Giles said
no, there was no way she could be with Spike. As much as she cared about the
vampire, she didn’t want to do anything to hurt Giles. She needed him more than
anyone; loved him like a father. He had allowed her to be with Angel, as he
knew how much she loved him. But it had been an unwilling acceptance because
of all that had happened in the past.
Buffy
put her mug down on the coffee table and turned to face her Watcher. “Giles,
I need to tell you something. And you’re not going to like it and I’m sorry
if it hurts you, but I want you to be completely honest, and trust that I won’t
do anything to hurt you.”
Giles
put his own mug down, bracing himself for whatever news Buffy was going to impart.
“Spike
loves me. And I think, I love him.”
Giles
stared at her for a minute unmoving, and Buffy started to worry. “Giles? Giles
are you ok?”
As
she moved a little closer to him, Giles snapped out of his trance like state
and started to laugh. Buffy gaped at him as he continued to shake with laughter.
Tears were streaming down his face and he gripped his sides as the laughter
caused an ache in his chest.
The
Slayer continued to stare at him, shocked and concerned, until Giles saw the
look on her face and calmed himself. “Oh Buffy, I’m sorry. It’s just that I
was prepared for something so much worse than that.” He hiccupped as his laughter
died down and then took her small hands in his. “Buffy I’m not going to tell
you what you can and can’t do. You should know by now that all I want is your
happiness. If you think that you will be happy with Spike, then I’m sure that
everyone will try their hardest to accept it.”
“Are
you disappointed?” Buffy whispered, her throat restricting again as the tears
threatened once more.
“Oh
no Buffy, I could never be disappointed in you. I’ve been thinking for a couple
of days that Spike would be just what you need, which is a longer story than
I think we have time for now. It won’t be easy. I seem to remember you two fighting
constantly last time when you weren’t, um… but I think that’ll it’ll work out
better than all the rest.”
Impulsively,
Buffy threw herself into Giles’ arms and hugged him close. “Thank you,” she
whispered, before adding something she’d been meaning to say for at least a
year. “Giles… last time, with Spike… I said something to you, which I’ve meant
to say again a hundred times, but never found the opportunity. You’re my family
Giles. That thing about you giving me away… It wasn’t because of a spell. It’s
because if it ever really happened, you would be the one I’d want there with
me. I have a father. A million miles away, I have a father I haven’t seen for
three years. And maybe he loves me just as much as my mom keeps telling me he
does. But you’re my dad Giles. You’ll always be my dad. And I love you.”
Chapter
Eighteen
Spike’s
mind was racing with the events of the last few days. He unleashed his pent
up anger and frustration, through wilful destruction of public property. He
broke into several of the stores on the high-street, glad that the chip was
restricted to harming humans, and proceeded to tear them apart. He carefully
avoided Giles’ magic shop, knowing that part of it would smell of the Slayer
and needing to avoid temptation at all costs.
“How
could I have said that? Why did I tell her? Idiot!” he muttered to himself as
he walked through Sunnydale’s streets once more, his fists finding willing targets
in car-windows, trying to take pleasure in scaring the local population by openly
wearing his game-face.
Eventually
he found himself outside the mansion once more and, sighing, let himself quietly
in through the front door. He couldn’t see Angel anywhere, for which he was
extremely grateful. He had no wish to talk to his Sire, feeling that he might
end up either ripping Angel’s arms off, or as a big pile of dust.
As
he made his way down the corridor that led to his old bedroom, he saw a girl
standing by the wall-length window, gazing out into the garden. “Faith?”
The
girl turned at the sound of her name and she smiled slightly at him. “Hey. Where’ve
you been? Angel’s out looking for you.” He nodded faintly and she turned back
to the window.
“Are,
uh, you alright?” he asked moving closer, leaning back against the wall so he
could see her face. She didn’t answer and he frowned. “Do you think Riley was
the big evil, or do you think there’s worse to come? ‘Cause I don’t think I
can take much more.”
Faith
smiled again. “I don’t think it was about evil after all,” she answered cryptically
and Spike didn’t press for a bigger explanation.
They
stood in silence for a few moments before Spike came to a decision. ‘You
are about to make the biggest mistake of your unlife,’ he told himself,
but he knew that it was the only thing he could do.
“Faith,
um, I want you to try and do something for me.”
Faith
turned fully to face him, her eyes wide. “Look Spike, I know you’re a hottie
and we’re both dead, but I don’t think that B would…”
“Not
that!” Spike shouted quickly, feeling slightly embarrassed but also considerably
flattered by her words. “It’s a spell. For Angel. A restoration spell for the
curse, without any strings attached.”
Faith
frowned slightly, before the implications of Spike’s words hit her full force.
“He could be with B,” she whispered and Spike nodded imperceptibly. Faith recognised
the pain in his eyes as the same feeling welled up inside her. “You must love
her a lot.”
Spike
smiled sadly and closed his eyes. “Enough to want her happy. Even if it is with
that souled wanker.”
Faith
nodded in agreement and sighed. She was going to be tied to Buffy forever and
if she did this she’d have to watch Buffy and Angel live together happily until
Buffy’s death and her own release.
“Where
do you want me to start?”
****
Buffy
took a short cut through the cemetery, back to the mansion. As she neared the
exit she spotted Angel walking towards her along another path. “Buffy,” he called
out as he noticed her and she braced herself. She had to tell him now.
“Angel,
hey. Did you see Spike?”
“No.
You?”
Buffy
nodded, avoiding his gaze. “Yeah I saw him. He was at the Bronze.” Buffy took
a deep breath and opened her mouth to speak when Angel spoke.
“He
loves you Buffy. Did you tell him you were in love with him?”
Buffy
stared shocked at her former lover, then wrinkled her forehead in confusion.
“You know?”
Angel
smiled and tilted his head to the side, “Pretty obvious wouldn’t you say?”
“Why
does everyone keep saying that? It wasn’t obvious to me. It’s crazy!” she ranted.
Angel
continued to smile at her, laughing slightly at her behaviour. “Well everyone
on this side of the fence can see the electricity. I guess you couldn’t ‘cause
you were in the middle of it.”
Buffy
slumped to the ground and Angel sat down beside her, putting a comforting arm
around her shoulders. “I thought you’d be mad,” she said at length, still unable
to look him in the eye.
“Why?
Because he’s my Childe? Because he beat with a crowbar? Because he chained me
up and had red-hot pokers shoved through me chest? Or because he’s a cocky bastard,
who hates my guts?”
Buffy
laughed and looked up at him. “All of the above,” she murmured.
“Well
I think we can work something out,” Angel told her. “I want you to be happy.”
“Everyone
keeps saying that too,” Buffy said wryly. “Makes me sorry that I’m such a bitch
most of the time.”
Angel
laughed again and pulled her to her feet. “Well you’ve met your match with Spike
there. You know he’s not going to take any crap when you get all sulky and spoilt.”
Buffy
punched him lightly in the stomach. “Hey! I’m not that bad.”
“No,
you’re not,” Angel agreed, bending and kissing her gently on the top of her
head.
****
Buffy
pushed open the door to Spike’s crypt nervously; glad she’d been able to talk
to Angel. All of her friends had told her to do this and be happy. She was thoroughly
determined that this time she would be. “Spike?” she called softly, hopping
down the steps into the main part of Spike’s ‘home’.
“He’s
not here,” Beth replied, not looking up from her task. Buffy looked across to
find Spike’s sister standing by the bed, carefully packing a small bag. “He’s
at the mansion.”
“No
he’s not,” Buffy told her, walking across to the vampiress. Beth turned and
saw Buffy, her quizzical look reminding the Slayer forcefully of the vampire
she had come to see.
“Buffy.
You know I thought this was all going to go a little differently. Not quite
so much torture,” Beth said, needing to finally tell the Slayer what she’d come
all the way from England to say. “My brother loves you very much Miss Summers.
He’s been sending me letters about you for the longest time. Recent ones have
given me a little more cause for concern, but like I said the other day, I like
you. What I’ve seen of you anyway. You should give him a chance to prove himself.
To prove he loves you.”
“I
know he does. He told me earlier. And I do want to give him a chance,” Buffy
informed the elder woman firmly. Beth smiled brightly at Buffy’s words and took
two steps to pull the Slayer into an embrace. “Thank God,” she whispered. “I
know you’re going to be so happy.” Buffy smiled and returned the hug.
As
Beth moved away again she remembered one more thing she needed to say to the
Slayer. “If you hurt him, I’ll kill you in the most violent way known to man.
Understand?”
Buffy
nodded quickly and reassured the vampiress, “I won’t hurt him. I promise.”
****
The
next morning Buffy and her friends gathered at Giles’ apartment for a late breakfast.
Buffy had been unable to find Spike again the previous night and had returned
home in the early hours of the morning to shower and change. Once the sun rose
she gave up hope of finding Spike easily before that night and grabbed a couple
of hours sleep, before heading to her Watcher’s home.
As
the Scooby Gang sat at Giles’ dining table, talking animatedly about nothing
in particular, all avoiding the subject of Spike in order to try and keep Buffy
in equilibrium, there was a loud knock at the door. The nine occupants all looked
at each other, before Giles jumped up and moved to open to the door.
“Uh,
hey, Mr Giles? Is, uh, is Oz here?” the young man asked the former school librarian.
“Devon,”
Oz said standing and crossing to his friend.
Giles
stepped away from the entrance and the lead singer of ‘Dingoes Ate My Baby’
entered the small apartment.
“Hey
man. Oh, I’m sorry if I interrupted your breakfast. I can come back,” he said
gesturing towards the door.
“No.
It’s ok,” Oz stopped him, “I’m not eating. I’m surprisingly full this morning
actually. It’s interesting.”
Buffy
started to choke on her orange juice and moved nervously in her seat.
“Well
I just came to ask if you’d thought about comin’ back to the band. We really
need you Oz,” Devon told the werewolf, placing a hand on Oz’s shoulder.
“Oooo,” Willow cried excitedly, jumping from he
r
seat. “Yes. Oz. Then you can stay.”
Oz
looked at his former girlfriend and smiled. “I don’t know Will. Thinks might
get awkward…”
“Only
for a while. And besides, we all want you to stay. Don’t we?” she asked, looking
over at her friends.
“Oh,
absolutely,” they chorused. Willow grinned foolishly and clasped her hands together
in front of her.
“Ok.
Count me in,” he said turning back to Devon.
“Actually
man, we have this tour thing coming up… If you want to stay in Sunnydale, then
you shouldn’t…”
Oz
turned back to Willow. “If we write, when I get back, things won’t be weird.
It won’t be forever.”
She
smiled, knowing that Oz missed his friends and playing with the ‘Dingoes’.
“You
better write everyday Daniel Osborne.”
“I
promise Willow Rosenberg.”
****
“Have
you seen Faith?” Angel asked Buffy as she entered the mansion that evening.
When Angel had returned from searching for Spike, he had found neither his Childe
nor Faith in residence, and he was starting to get worried.
“I
haven’t seen her since last night, why?” Buffy asked anxiously, seeing the quick
flash of fear, which crossed his face. Angel was usually in perfect control
of his emotions. Recently however they had been kept near the surface, especially
where Faith and Spike were concerned.
“Is
Spike here?” Buffy asked moving closer. She’d gone straight to the mansion as
soon as the sun had set, in the hope that Spike had, or would return there.
Beth was waiting at the crypt and had instructions to call Buffy the minute
Spike showed up.
“No
he hasn’t come back,” Angel said gently, watching as disappointment filled Buffy’s
face.
“Yes
he has,” the voice in the doorway disturbed both vampire and Slayer and they
spun to face the Englishman. “And he’s brought you a present,” he said carefully,
making sure neither one noticed any form of emotion behind the words. “Well
it was Faith really, but… well I commissioned it.”
Buffy
stared intently at the blonde vampire as he crossed the room slowly to where
they stood, while Angel looked behind Spike for Faith. “Where is she?” he asked
when she didn’t appear.
“Graveyard,”
Spike answered his Sire without taking his eyes off Buffy.
Angel
glanced between the two and then turned back to Buffy. “I’m going to find her.
You gonna be ok?”
Buffy
nodded slightly, her gaze still on her mortal enemy, and Angel disappeared out
into the evening dark, without either vampire or Slayer noticing.
They
stared at each other for a few minutes, neither saying a word. Spike was trying
to remember every detail. This would probably be the last time he would see
her. Once he’d given her the restoration spell he was leaving. Leaving Sunnyhell
and all the painful memories. Buffy was trying to find the courage to tell Spike
that she was ready to face what was between them. She needed to tell him that
she cared about him, needed him. Loved him. “Spike…”
“Buffy…”
They spoke at the same time, stopping and breaking the tension with slight laughter.
“Please let me go first,” Spike said, knowing that if she started to talk he’d
rip the damn spell up and pretend it never existed. ‘And why don’t you? Neither
you nor Faith wants this, and what they don’t know can’t hurt them.’ But
Spike couldn’t do it. He had to let her make her own decisions.
“Before
she died, Dru told me about this spell,” he began in a rush; fishing the piece
of paper Faith had brought him out of his duster pocket. “I asked Faith to try
and find it for me… you know, using whatever she can now she’s whatever she
is. Wasn’t hard to find actually. Just that no-one ever looked for it.”
Spike
stopped and looked across at Buffy. She was staring at him, a frown marring
her beautiful face. Spike inhaled sharply and wondered for a minute if he could
go through with this. ‘Do you know what you’re about to throw away? When
did you turn into such a bloody poof?! Idiot!
Just grab ‘er for God’s sake.’
“It’s
a restoration spell, for Angel. Well, you’ll want to use it on Angel. And there’s…
there’s,” Spike’s voice faded away as he looked at her. He couldn’t. He just
couldn’t.
They
were standing so close. His arms came up of their own volition and pulled her
to him. Her eyes displayed a moment of surprise before they filled with a desperate
need. “Spike,” she whispered, putting her own arms around him, moving closer.
He
lowered his mouth to hers and for a moment, as he held her close and moved his
lips over hers, he experienced a bliss like no other. He tasted heaven for the
first time in his existence.
But
once again he pushed back the temptation, slowly drawing back to look into her
flushed face. She blinked her heavy lids open and looked up at him. Then she
smiled and for a moment his resolve weakened, but he fought it. “Buffy. This
spell… there’s no strings. No ‘one moments perfect happiness’ crap. You
can be with Angel. Forever.”
“What?”
Buffy was having trouble understanding what Spike was talking about. ‘He
kissed me,’ she thought, ‘Wow, he really… and it was… wow!’ She raised
a hand to her lips and smiled, ‘Even better than last time.’
“Buffy,
are you listening to me?” Spike asked stepping away from her. “Buffy?” he shook
her gently and her gaze snapped up to his. “Sorry,” she said, shaking her head
to remove all traces of light-headedness, “What did you say?”
Spike
sighed. He wasn’t sure he could say it again. She hadn’t listened. Tough.
“This
restoration spell for Angel. There aren’t any conditions. Once he gets his soul,
it’ll be there forever. And then you and Angel can be together.”
Buffy’s
eyes widened in shock. “Spike? You… What… I don’t…” She stopped and took a deep
breath, unintelligible thoughts flying round her head. “An irremovable soul?”
Spike nodded, his face not betraying the slightest emotion. “And you’re giving
it to me?” He nodded again. “Why?”
Spike
frowned. “It’s what you want, isn’t it? You and Angel, perfect love, forever,
blah bloody blah.”
Buffy
started to laugh. Wild, hysterical laughter, she couldn’t control. She’d finally
found a way to put Angel behind her and move on, finally found someone she truly
wanted to be with, and he was letting her go before they’d even come together.
Spike
continued to frown at her. He’d imagined a lot of things, a lot of reactions,
but laughter had never been one of them. “Aren’t you going to say thank you?”
he asked, becoming annoyed with both her and himself. He watched her, imagining
that she must be extremely happy, glad in one way that he had been the ‘cause,
devastated in another that she’d never want him that much.
Buffy
didn’t hear Spike. All she could hear was her own laughter in her ears and a
tiny voice telling her to quickly reassure the blonde vampire before her. She
tried to control the laughter, wiping the tears from her eyes and taking deep
breaths to steady herself.
Spike
couldn’t bear it any longer. He pushed the spell forcefully into her hands and
turned away, walking quickly through the conservatory, into the night and out
of Sunnydale, before Buffy could say a word.