And Lethe's Fetters Break

Chapter 7

"We should really get you to a doctor," Buffy said looking away from Spike. He grinned at the abrupt change of subject but didn't comment. He didn't understand his own behaviour towards her, how comfortable he felt around her. What had they been to each other before he left? And for that matter, why had he left? Buffy had clearly been looking for him; these people, his friends, appeared to be relieved he was here and alive, so what had happened to make him leave?

"Do you know any doctors?"
Buffy shook her head with a grimace. "The only doctor I know won't be much use to you. Yet," she added mischievously.
"Yet?"
"He's a psychiatrist."
"Oh." Spike blinked at Buffy, wondering if she was going to continue, but she seemed to be lost in thought.
"Webs is Anya's only doctor too," she mused, talking more to herself than to him.
"Webs?"
"My shrink," Buffy clarified, still not looking at him.
"You call him Webs?"
"It's his name. We went to school together."

Spike nodded and sat back in his chair, enjoying the chance to watch her while she figured it out. "Can't we go to the hospital?"
He was surprised at the look of near panic that flashed across her face and was about to ask what was wrong when forestalled him.
"It might be complicated."
"Why?"
"I can't…" she stuttered out and then shook her head and said determinedly, ""We'll go and see Giles. He should know someone who can help."
Spike sighed, angry that she was deliberately keeping things from him and asked "And Giles is?"
Buffy smiled. "My dad."

****

"I can't believe you did that!" Dawn shouted at Connor as she frantically pulled on her clothes while he remained in bed watching her.
"The phone was ringing. I was half asleep," he protested. "What did you expect me to do?"
"He's going to tell Buffy," she continued as though he hadn't spoken, "and she's going to freak. And then she'll tell your dad and at least one of us will be dead."
"Dawn, calm…"
"Don't you dare tell me to calm down!"
"Will you relax, he exclaimed eventually, catching hold of her arm and pulling her down onto the bed next to him.
"Let go," Dan protested, wriggling slightly.
Connor grinned at her. "Uh-uh. Not until you calm yourself down. You're an adult. I'm sure Buffy realises that you've had sex."
Dawn stopped moving and stared at her boyfriend. "You've met my sister, right?"

Pushing him aside, she jumped up and grabbed her cell phone from her bedside table. "Anyway, she may accept that I am old enough to do it, she told him as she dialled Andrew's number, "but not with you. Not in a million years.
Connor's face hardened as Dawn turned away to speak to Andrew. Leaning over the side of the bed he grabbed his jeans and hurriedly pulled them on. How dare she say those things to him? She acted as though she were ashamed that they were together. It seemed as though she never wanted Buffy to know what was going on between them. He pulled his shirt on and left it unbuttoned as he fastened his boots. He was two steps from the door when Dawn's voice penetrated his angry haze.

"What? But… how? That's impossible. No. You're lying."
Connor stopped and turned back to her, surprised to see that she was shaking. She was facing away from him, so he moved slowly to stand in front of her. She was crying. He froze in terror at the thought of what she might be hearing.

"It's not true. Stop saying it. I won't believe it. Don't make me hope. Please Andrew don't make me…"
The phone hung uselessly in her hand as she began to cry in earnest. Connor took it from her, confused and fearful of what he might hear.
"Andrew?"
"Connor. Is Dawn still there? Is she ok?"
"No she's not ok," the younger man growled feeling a wave of protectiveness. "What's going on?"
"Spike's alive. And he's here. In Sunnydale."

Unlike Dawn, it took Connor barely a second for the words to register and for him to accept them as fact. Without another word he hung up the phone and tossed it on the bed before pulling Dawn into his arms,

****

The kitchen door opened and Buffy preceded Spike into the house.

"Everything ok?" Willow asked as she appeared in the living room doorway, Anya close behind her.
"It's fine," Buffy answered with a reassuring smile that failed to comfort the anxious redhead. They stood awkwardly together for a moment before the Slayer remembered why they had ventured back inside. "Spike needs to get to a doctor. Get checked out."
Willow nodded. "Ok. Well I know a very good obstetrician but I doubt she'll be much use."
Buffy smiled. "I'm hoping Giles will know someone we can…" she glanced nervously and Spike and he raised an eyebrow at her, daring her to continue. "Someone we can trust," she finished defiantly.

"That's a good idea. Willow can drive us," Anya said leading them through the house to the front door.
Buffy frowned. "You guys don't have to come. It's not exactly far. We can walk."
"Safety in numbers?" Willow offered as she pulled her car keys out of her pocket. "I doubt any of us would fare explaining this to Giles alone. Magic Box here we come."

Opening the front door Buffy was greeted by the sight of Faith, stalking purposefully up the front walk towards them. The blonde Slayer rolled her eyes. "I'm going to kill Andrew."
The brunette stopped short when she saw Buffy standing framed in the doorway with Spike next to her. "Hey B," she greeted as casually as she could and Buffy allowed herself a small smile.

"Morning Faith. You know I don't think I've seen you awake this early for years. Something bad happening?"
The younger Slayer raised her eyebrows. "That's what I'm here to find out."
"Everything's fine. This is Spike. You met him once I think."
Faith had the grace to blush under Buffy's scrutiny, but nodded and held out her hand to Spike. "We were never formally introduced. I'm Faith."

"Pleased to meet you," Spike greeted quietly and went back to studying the behaviour of the two girls in front of him. It was as though they were having a conversation with no actual words being spoken, like they could send thoughts directly to each other's mind. From the outside the conversation was relatively mundane, but the two young women continued to stare at each with a strange sort of intensity.

"So, family outing?" Faith asked, smiling at Willow and Anya.
"To the Magic Box," Buffy informed her. "You don't have to…"
They watched each other a moment longer and Faith nodded and stepped back.
"Your call B. Swing by later. Wesley's going out. We can catch up."
Buffy nodded in agreement. "I'd like that."

Chapter 8

Sunnydale - December 2001

"Step," Anya told the vampire she was supporting as she pushed open the door to Spike's crypt. She stumbled down the steps, not quite knowing how she managed to keep Spike upright while she did, and quickly manoeuvred him into his armchair.
"Ok. You're home. Just sleep it off. Everything will look better in the morning."

He stared up at her looking for all the world like the innocent and vulnerable schoolboy he most assuredly wasn't. Anya sighed. "What do you want me to do? I can't grant you any wishes and I wouldn't if I could." She knelt in front of him and looked him squarely in the eyes. "What's wrong? You haven't gotten drunk like this since Buffy died. Is it Buffy? Is something wrong?"

Spike started to laugh, pained amusement bordering on hysteria. Anya slapped him hard across the face. In his drunken state Spike acted instinctively and vamped out, pouncing forward and knocking Anya back against the floor. She stared up at him knowingly and for the first time he recognised that she was older than him. She knew more than him. She was better at this than him.

His true face melted away and he sat back, rubbing a hand over his tired face. "Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd do whatever it took to make them happy? No matter how miserable it made you?"
"Yes."
The vampire looked up and smiled genuinely at Anya. "Harris is a lucky bloke."
"Made for each other," the former demon grinned as she moved to sit next to Spike. "And Buffy's a lucky girl."
Spike snorted. "No matter what I do, it's never enough. She keeps me hanging there. Hoping. But it'll never be enough."

Anya didn't answer. There was nothing to say.

"If she didn't need me, I mean, if I could be sure that she'd be better off without me, I'd go. Best for both of us I imagine. Fresh start. But I can't. Because she does need me. No matter what she says…"

"Shh, shhh, now," Anya soothed as Spike lay back against the chair and began to drift off to sleep. "Don't worry about it. We'll fix it. Everything's going to be just fine." She pulled the blanket off the back of the chair and placed it gently around the sleeping vampire, before making her way out of the crypt, heading determinedly for Revello Drive.

****

Sunnydale - June 2007

"You ok?"

Anya looked up to see Willow watching her. The redhead stood on the ladder, which led up to the restricted section of the Magic where the former demon sat, reading from one of the heavy tomes.
"I'm fine," she assured her friend with a smile, pushing back her memories. Recognising that Willow was about to comment, Anya closed the book she held and gestured towards the public area of the shop. "How's it going?"

Willow grinned. "I can honestly say I don't think I've ever seen Giles more lost. He's been telling Buffy to accept that Spike's dead for so long and now here he is. And alive alive too, not just undead."
Anya let the book slip to the floor and lowered her head to her hands. "I'm going to get this all night. 'Anya tell me again exactly what happened,'" she mimicked, attempting an English accent. "I don't think I can face it."

The young Witch climbed the last few steps and knelt opposite her friend. "We didn't do anything wrong or dangerous, just…"
"Stupid."
"We did what was best for Spike. And Buffy it comes to that. They were killing each other."
"It wasn't any of our business."
Willow sighed. "No. But we can't change the past. Spike needs his memory back."
"You're the expert on memory spells," Anya snapped, immediately regretting it.
The redhead ignored her. "I'll do some research. It's been a long time."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean… You know I didn't mean that."
"I know. Now come on," she said, pulling Anya to her feet. "If Giles takes off his glasses less than 50 times in the next half an hour, I'll buy you a donut."

****

'Ninety-eight, ninety- nine, one hundred….'

Buffy sighed in frustration and stood, stepping in front of Giles and holding him still. "Stop pacing! If you take one more step I'm going to have to hurt you."
"Buffy I can't…"
"It's a shock. But it's not a bad thing. And I do anticipate a huge discussion about this in the very near future but right now, we need a doctor."
"Yes of course," Giles answered automatically. His eyes drifted from Buffy to Spike. "I'll look into it."
"Thank you."
The Watcher stared intently at the young man sitting at the table for a moment and then turned abruptly away, heading towards the basement.

The Slayer sank down into a chair next to Spike and shot him what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "Giles'll figure it out. Don't worry."
Spike had to bite his tongue to stop himself snapping at her. What else could he do but worry? He had no memory of his life before that morning. And the people who called themselves his friends seemed somewhat reluctant to divulge information about him.

"Is he your step-father?" he asked instead, doing his best to keep his tone light. "I mean you don't sound a lot alike."
Buffy smiled. "Sort of a surrogate. He was a big help to me during school and then when my mom died he helped look after me and my sister."
"I'm sorry," Spike murmured, unsure of what to say.
"It's ok," Buffy soothed gently, placing her hand over his on the table. He automatically turned his hand and laced their fingers together. Their eyes met and held, and Buffy inhaled sharply, feeling five years of pain disappearing in a instant.

"Buffy?"

It took her a moment to realise Spike was talking.
"Huh?"
He nodded towards the cash register and the Slayer turned her head to see Willow, a sympathetic look on her face, holding the phone tentatively toward her.
"It's Angel."

Chapter 9

Everyone was silent as Buffy mumbled something into the phone and laid the receiver on the counter. She turned to give a vague smile to the room in general and said she would take the call on the other phone, before hurrying from the room. Willow waited until Buffy shouted that she was ready and then replaced the receiver.

Silence reigned once again and a few awkward moments were spent while Anya, Willow, Spike and Giles considered what to do. In the end it was Spike who spoke up, unable to bear the piteous glances any longer.

"So do you want to tell me something about yourselves? Buffy seems to think I'm going to need therapy if I discover all my secrets too soon, but surely you can bring me up to date on your lives. After all, even if I hadn't lost my memory, there'd still be five years of catching up to do."
Willow, Anya and Giles exchanged a look, and Spike found himself frowning again. What were they all so afraid of?

Eventually Giles shrugged, causing Anya to nod thoughtfully and Willow to breathe a sigh of relief. The Watcher sat down at the table between Willow and Spike and removed his glasses. "What would you like to know?"
"Anything. Tell me what's happened since I left." There was another long pause and Spike turned to Anya. "What was the wedding like?"

****

Sunnydale - March 2002

"Breathe."
In
"Breathe."
Out
"Breathe."
In
"Breathe."
Out
"You're doing great," Buffy smiled encouragingly and Xander gave her a thumbs up as best he could while breathing into the brown paper bag. "You think you can try again now?"

Xander looked up at Buffy and nodded weakly. She gently removed the bag from his grasp and helped him to his feet. "I'm sorry," he told her as he crossed the room. "I don't know what's gotten into me today. I just feel…"
"It's just nerves. Everyone feels like this. Like I said you're doing great, now just put the tux on and you're ready."
"But what if I'm not? What if I'm not ready? What if I'm making some huge mistake that'll end up destroying both of us?"

Buffy held out the paper bag again as Xander began to hyperventilate and he snatched it from her. She placed her hands on his shoulders and looked him straight in the eye.
"Do you love Anya?"
Xander's breathing slowed and he nodded and Buffy smiled.
"Would you die for her?"
Again Xander nodded.
"I can't make up your mind about this. The only person who can decide is you. But if you're having trouble I will say this. When I look at you and Anya I see the most perfect couple I have ever seen. You have what I've always wanted Xander. Don't throw it away because you're scared. You're better than that. You're braver than that. You are going to be a great husband, and father, and grandfather. Trust me."

*

"May I have this dance?"

Buffy looked up and grinned before extending her arm to take the hand that was being offered to her. "I'd be delighted."

Giles twirled Buffy onto the dance floor and she giggled as they settled into a traditional dancing position. "What's so funny?"
"This feels weird," Buffy said, still giggling uncontrollably. Giles, who was happy just to see her smiling, laughed too.
"Yes, I suppose it is a bit odd. But surely all girls dance with their fathers at least once?"

They moved around the floor at a leisurely, pace weaving in and out of the other couples, discussing the wedding in all its minutely planned perfection.
"I don't think I've ever seen you all so happy," Giles announced eventually and Buffy followed his gaze to Anya and Xander who were sitting in a darkened corner of the room, whispering to each other, their hands clasped together as though neither wanted to let the other go. Turning her head slightly she caught sight of Willow and Tara who were laughing together at the sight of Dawn trying to fit a whole slice of wedding cake in her mouth.
"Yeah, they're all happy," Buffy agreed with a smile, causing Giles to turn an amused frown on her.
"Aren't you happy Buffy?"

The Slayer thought of the empty bed in the empty crypt that she would be crawling into later. She had spent most of her nights there recently, taking comfort in what remained of Spike's belongings. She thought of the last thing she had said to him, the way she treated him, of how he must hate her now.

But she couldn't share her pain with anyone. They wouldn't understand.

So she smiled brightly at Giles and hugged him, before neatly steering the conversation away from her, back to Xander and Anya's wedding.

****

Sunnydale - June 2007

"I'm sorry I missed it."

Anya jumped slightly at Spike's words and she blinked a few times as her eyes focused on him. She nodded and gave the barest hint of a smile. Spike frowned at her reaction and for the first time noticed that she was shaking. A moment later, Willow reached out and laid one of her hands over Anya's, which were clasped in front of her on the table.

Everyone was still. Waiting.

Another minute passed before Anya stood hurriedly, her chair falling to the floor with a loud bang. "I can't do this," she muttered as she raced from the room towards the basement. Giles had stood when Anya had and he made to follow her, but Willow stopped him.

"Don't. She needs space right now. Give her some time." She smiled apologetically at Spike as the older man sat back down, but the smile didn't quite reach her eyes. "Maybe we should stop."
"Did I do something wrong?" he asked, hating the thought that he had been the cause of Anya's distress.
"No. I mean, not really. It's just a difficult subject for all of us. Don't worry about it."
Spike knew that that didn't honestly answer his question. If anything it had created several others that he couldn't bring himself to ask, knowing instinctively that the answers would not be happy ones.

The redhead seemed to sense his dilemma and took a deep breath, as though bracing herself for the worst thing she had ever had to say. "Xander, Anya's husband, was killed two months after the wedding."
Spike flinched and wearily rubbed his hands over his face, almost missing Willow's final revelation.
"And it was my fault."

Chapter 10

"Angel?"
"Is something wrong?" was Angel's urgent greeting and Buffy frowned into the phone.
"Huh? No. Why would it be?"
"You're at the Magic Box and not at work."
Buffy fidgeted. "Something came up."
"Something bad?" Angel asked, immediately concerned.
"No…"

"Well?" Angel asked after a moment of silence.
Buffy sighed. "I can't do this over the phone. Can you come here now?"
"There's no one else in the office. Buffy if something's wrong…"
The Slayer closed her eyes, hating the worry in his voice. "I need to talk to you, but it has to be in person."
"Buffy you're starting to scare me.
"No it's… I'll come you the office."
"Ok. I guess I can wait for…"

"What did you call about?" she interrupted, forcing him onto another subject.
"What?"
"You rang me remember?"
"Oh. Is Paris ok?"
"For what?" Buffy asked genuinely confused.
"The honeymoon. You told me to pick somewhere."
"Right. Sorry. I forgot."
"So?"
"So what?"
"Is it ok?"
Buffy smiled faintly. "Of course. It's perfect."
"Ok. We can talk some more when you get here. When will you get here?"

"I'll be about a half an hour."
"I'll see you then." Angel paused. "I love you."
"I love you too."

****

"How…?" Spike began and realised he didn't know what else to say. How do ask someone why they were responsible for a death? Looking at Willow as she sat quietly on the other side of the table, he couldn't imagine her causing any kind of pain to anyone

Willow seemed to know what he was thinking and smiled a little. "The year you left a lot of things happened that left me… well, left me less than stable."
"Willow," Giles warned, but she shook her head and laid a hand over his.
"It's ok Giles," she said gently and turned back to Spike. "I did some stupid things and I made some bad decisions." She hung her head. "Met some bad people. And I became obsessed by it. Ignored my friends. Hurt them sometimes. Hurt Dawn and Ta…" her voice broke and she squeezed Giles' hand tightly.

Spike looked away while Willow composed herself, thoughts racing through his mind. Did any of this have any bearing on why he had left? Had Willow's behaviour had any affect on him? He quickly turned his attention back to the redhead as she started to speak.

"When I realised how bad it had gotten and that I was endangering everyone I did everything I could to stop. Buffy and Xander helped me through everything and things started to go right again. Tara and I got back together. Xander and Anya got married things seemed perfect."

She stopped again and when it seemed as though she wouldn't continue Spike prompted "But?"

The redhead raised her eyes to his and he could have sworn they flashed black for a moment.

"But nothing ever stays perfect. And for all the happy you get, a karmic amount of bad is waiting just around the corner to jump out at you."

****

Sunnydale - May 2002

Willow looked down at her lover lying dead in arms.

Tara. Her beautiful girl. Gone. In just a moment, all that life, all that love had been taken away from her.

Her eyes turned black as she reached inside and let the only thing that could help consume her. A few seconds. A spell. She would find who had done this and they would pay. If she couldn't have Tara, she didn't care who or what she was anymore. She wasn't Willow. Willow had died with Tara. She was vengeance now.

She made her way calmly down stairs and out the front door, taking measured steps, planning what she would do when she caught Tara's killer. She'd make it slow. She'd make it hurt. Whoever it was, they'd be begging for death by the end.

"Willow? Willow! Stop." Xander ran to catch up with his friend as she ignored his call.
"Xander." Her voice was calm as she took in his blood-spattered shirt.
"Warren shot Buffy. He hit her arm so she'll live but we really need to get to the hospital."
"Tara's dead."
The calm with which the words were uttered sent an extra chill down Xander's spine.
"What?"
"She was shot," Willow continued just as calmly, never slowing her pace. "She's dead."
The young man stopped, expecting Willow to stop too, but she carried on walking. He didn't chase after her. He needed a moment to wrap his mind around the fact that one of his closest friends was dead. It wasn't something he could easily comprehend. How could Tara be dead? Sweet, undemanding, wouldn't hurt a fly, Tara.

He looked around to see where Willow had gone and raced after her. "Willow!" She didn't answer. Didn't acknowledge him. "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to kill him."
"Who?"
"Warren."
"Will please, you have to stop. We have to go back. The ambulance is on its way."
"Won't do any good. They won't give her back to me."
Xander stepped in front of her stopping her from taking another step. "You can't kill him. We'll find him and the cops'll lock him up, but you can't kill him. You'll cross a line."
"I've crossed it Xander. I'm there. Now get out of my way or…"
"Or what? You're going to kill me too. Will, you have to stop and think about this."
"No," Willow said, raising her hand in front of Xander. "I'm done thinking. Now I'm doing." With a wave of her hand Xander was thrown out of her path and into the street.

Willow didn't pause for a second.

She didn't hear the screech of brakes behind her.

Didn't hear the frantic shouts of a young couple.

Paid no attention to the sirens wailing in the distance.

She just carried on walking.

*

Xander had been gone for about ten minutes when Buffy heard the sirens. Ignoring the pain in her arm, she made her way into the street to find her best friend. She frowned when she saw the ambulance parked haphazardly at the end of the street. Fear welled within her when she saw the hysterical young woman being questioned by a police officer. Bile rose up in her throat when a dark haired young man was lifted onto a stretcher.

"Xander," she whispered, afraid that if she said it any louder it would be real. It would be Xander lying on that stretcher, paramedics standing over him. She raced up the street towards them, praying that she was wrong.

*

"Buffy? Xander?" Anya called out as she pushed the front door of the Summers house open cautiously. "If there's a demon in here you better know that I'm not afraid of you. Eleven hundred years of vengeance. I've seen it all. Unless you're a bunny demon of course, in which case, I surrender." She looked up as she heard a clatter upstairs and slowly moved towards the staircase. "Hello? Willow? Tara? It's me. Anya."

The door to Willow and Tar's bedroom stood open and with a deep breath Anya marched towards it determinedly. "You can't do anything to scare me," she murmured to herself,

She stopped short when she saw Tara's body, lying lifeless in a pool of blood. She couldn't move. She couldn't breathe.

"I didn't want to leave her alone," a soft voice drifted to her from the corner of the room and Anya's gaze swung from Tara to Dawn. The young girl sat huddled in the corner, legs drawn up against her chest, arms wrapped protectively round her. Anya moved towards her immediately.

"Dawn, sweetheart, how long have you been here?" Dawn didn't answer and after a moment of indecision, Anya wrapped an arm around her and helped her to her feet. "We have to go. You have to be brave for me ok. We need to go and call someone."

Dawn's eyes were still trained on Tara. "I don't understand."
Anya focused on Dawn, unable to bring herself to look at the body of her friend again. "Neither do I Dawnie. Neither do I."

*

"Where is my husband?"

Buffy jumped up from her seat at the sound of Anya's voice and called out to her friend. "Anya!"
The former demon spun away from the nurse's station and moved towards her friend. "Buffy what's happening? Where's Xander?"
"He got knocked down by a car. He's in surgery. I've been trying to call you for hours. Where have you been?"
Anya had gone deathly pale, her eyes staring out into nothing. Buffy didn't press her for an answer, simply took her hand and guided her into a seat. Glancing up, she realised that Dawn had entered the room with Anya. In two steps she held her baby sister in her arms, holding her tight.

"Dawn, honey, thank God you're ok. Did Anya bring you? I'm so so sorry I wasn't there." She began to stroke here sister's hair comfortingly when she felt Dawn crying into her chest. "It's ok sweetheart. Shhh. Everything will be ok." Dawn shook her head and whispered something Buffy couldn't hear. "What was that?"
"Tara's dead."

When the words finally penetrated the Slayer's mind, the last of her resolve broke and a year's worth of emotion poured out of her as she collapsed down between a shell-shocked Dawn and a shattered Anya.

Chapter 11

Sunnydale - July 2007

"Why did you forgive me?"

Anya looked up from the box she was unpacking to see Willow standing on the stairs watching her intently. She twisted her face slightly and shook her head. "Why do you think I did?" she asked going back to her task.

"An?"
"What? What do you want me to say Willow? That I didn't? That I hate you?"
"If that's how you feel…"
"Well it's not," Anya snapped and then after a second of grim silence she picked up the box and threw it across the room, uncaring of the dozens of glass bottles which had just shattered, releasing a foul smelling odour.

Neither of them moved for a moment.

"I hated you," Anya said quietly and Willow flinched. "I hated you more than I have ever hated anyone. If I had had my powers then I would have visited every form of pain in existence on you and everyone who stood in my way."

She looked up and met Willow's eyes.

"That's why I forgave you."

"But…"

Anya huffed out a little bitter laugh and walked towards the other girl. Willow refused to back away and was surprised when Anya sat on the bottom step and patted the space next to her. "Sit." Willow sat.

"Did you mean to kill Xander?"
"NO!" Willow shouted, feeling tears fill her eyes, "How could you ask that?"
Anya glanced at her but ignored the question. "I saw Tara that day. I saw her, lying there, still, silent. And there was blood everywhere. Who knew that there could be so much blood? And I thought, how could anyone do that? Why would anyone…?"

She stopped and took a deep breath. The redhead beside her remained silent.

"Xander was always a better person than me," the blonde began after a moment. "More practice," she added with a smile, drawing a matching one from Willow. "And he forgave you the minute it happened Will. Because that wasn't you right then. That was the magick and the pain and the anger. I know, because I've felt it. And Xander knew, because he knew you. I forgive you when Xander did." She turned to her friend and waited for Willow to raise her head and look at her. "Because Xander did."

****

The two-hour trip from LA to Sunnydale was made in silence. Dawn had curled herself as far away from her boyfriend as she could in the spacious front seat and stared resolutely at the passing scenery. Connor concentrated on driving, trying not think about their earlier argument.

He had held Dawn until her tears had stopped and she pulled away from him, immediately accepting that she didn't want to talk about it. Ten minutes later they had each packed a bag and were in the car heading to Sunnydale.

Connor's eyes flicked to the glove box and back to the road. One wouldn't hurt. One would relax him. One might take his mind off the fact that his life was, this morning, unravelling in front of his eyes.

He shook his head. No, no, no. He didn't need them he was stronger than that. And Dawn didn't like it. There'd be no smoochies if he did. He glanced at Dawn this time and sighed. He doubted there'd be smoochies any time soon regardless of what he did. No, no, no. His dad would get pissed. More pissed than he was undoubtedly going to be. And Buffy would cry…

His eyes flicked to the glove box again.

Good.

No, no, no. That was cruel. Buffy crying was not good. It was awful. He didn't want to make her upset.

His face hardened.

He really wanted to make her upset.

Fucking Spike.

It was all his fault.

He swerved dangerously across the road and stopped the car next to the sidewalk.

"What the hell are you doing?" Dawn screamed at him as he fumbled in the compartment for the packet. "Are you crazy? We could have been killed?"
Connor rolled his eyes and then grinned as his hand clasped around his prize. Thank God.
Dawn's eyes narrowed as her boyfriend fiercely pushed open the car door and climbed out, slamming it behind him. He walked around the car and sat on the hood, lifting something to his mouth. Scrambling from the car herself she moved quickly towards him.

"What are you doing?" she asked, quieter this time. More calm. Connor didn't trust her for a second. He raised the cigarette to his lips again and inhaled. Then, turning towards her, blew a stream of smoke in her face. "Connor!"
"What do you think I'm doing?" he smirked, waving the cigarette at her.
"Why are you being such a jerk?"
"I just needed a smoke. It'll take two minutes."
"I thought you decided to quit."
"No. You decided I'd quit. I don't remember having much of a say in it."

Dawn glared at him but didn't answer. After a moment she moved to perch next to him on the car.
"Don't even pretend this is as hard for you as it is for me."
Connor snorted derisively. "Oh, of course not. How could it possibly be bad for me? My girlfriend isn't talking to me because the best friend she thought was dead has suddenly turned up out of the blue. I can't do anything to help because even though I've never met him I hate the bastard with my every breath because of all the pain he's caused everyone I care about. My dad is probably going to kill something when he finds out because the woman he's marrying in a month's time used to screw the guy on a regular basis."

Connor didn't even try to stop Dawn as her hand immediately flew up to slap him across the face.

Her eyes were blazing fury and for all he wanted to reach out to her and apologise, Connor just couldn't bring himself to do it.

"Take me home now," was all Dawn said as she climbed back into the car.

Connor flicked the cigarette away from him with a sigh and walked back round to the driver's side to finish their journey to Sunnydale.

Chapter 12

Giles stood as Dr Curtis exited his office. “Well?”

Curtis shrugged. “He’s fine. I mean, he’s alive and he shouldn’t be, and he has no memory, which he should have, but physically, mentally? He’s fine.”

Giles grimaced. “Is it safe to tell him about the past? About his past?”

“Normally I’d advise against it,” the doctor answered shaking his head. “Usually I’d suggest you give it some time and see if the memories reassert themselves on their own. But it this case…”

“Yes?”

Dr Curtis stepped closer to Giles and lowered his voice. “How do you wipe a vampire’s memory? How do you make one human? Are you a hundred per cent positive that that man was your vampire?”

The Watcher removed his glasses and rubbed a hand over his face wearily. “I’m getting too old for this.”

Curtis smiled. “You need to look into it. Until then if you’re willing to deal with the consequences, by all means, tell him the truth.”

****

Spike tried his hardest to wait patiently for Dr Curtis to return. He managed about two minutes before he restlessly began to pace the room.

He was perfectly healthy. No sign of any injury. Everything was in full working order. He just couldn’t remember anything.

He rubbed his temples as a day’s worth of stress exploded inside his head and began to throb painfully. Five awkward meetings and two painfully revealing conversations later he still had no idea who he was or what any of these people meant to him.

He sat down on the leather couch, which ran along one wall of the office and tried to relax. Not for the first time since she had fled from the Magic Box, Spike wished that Buffy was there with him. For some reason she gave him a sense of peace, grounded him in a way none of the others did. He felt safe with her.

She hadn’t said much when she’d returned from taking her phone call. Simply announced that she had to leave and would call later to check on him, before grabbing her jacket and practically running from the store.

She hadn’t looked at him once.

Spike frowned, wondering why a phone call could upset her so much. Giles hadn’t seemed concerned by her behaviour and neither Anya nor Willow had been surprised that Buffy wasn’t there when they returned from the basement.

With a sigh, Spike decided that it was pointless to waste any time trying to second-guess these people. His friends. When Giles came back, he was going to demand some answers.

****

Sunnydale – May 2005

Buffy turned to face Angel as they reached the front door of her house and smiled. “I had a really nice time. Thank you.”

Angel’s smile matched her own and wondered once again why it was easier for him to smile now than it had been before he’d left Sunnydale for LA.

He, Connor and Wesley had returned to Sunnydale just before Christmas, converting a discreet apartment building on the edge of town into the new headquarters of Angel Investigations.

During the past six months, Angel had never told her why they had come back and she had never asked. She knew it had something to do with Cordelia’s death, but she refused to push him for answers. She had secrets of her own and there were things she didn’t think she’d ever be able to tell him, no matter what happened between them.

“So does this mean you’ll agree to a second date?”

“Didn’t we spend our second date in the cemetery?”

“I’d like to think of that as practise.”

Buffy laughed. “The whole two years?”

“Yes.”

The Slayer stepped closer and leaned up to press a tentative kiss to the corner of Angel’s mouth. “Good night Angel.”

“Night,” he answered softly as she disappeared into the house.

****

Sunnydale – June 2007

“Hey,” Buffy greeted softly, drawing her fiancé’s attention away from the paperwork in front of him.

“Hi,” he answered with a smile, rising to greet her with a kiss.

For a moment, as he lowered his lips to hers, Angel thought that Buffy was going to push him away. For the first time, as far he could remember, she looked reluctant to accept or return his kiss.

But all thought left his mind a moment later as Buffy held him to her with all her strength, her mouth fusing with his, attacking his lips furiously. She moved her hips against his and pushed him back against his desk. Pulling back, Angel tried to still the hands that were pulling desperately at his shirt.

“Buffy, wait. We can’t.”

The Slayer ignored him, abandoning the shirt in favour of removing his belt. Angel placed both his hands on her shoulders and moved her away from him.

“I mean it. We can’t. Wesley will be back soon.”

Buffy closed her eyes and Angel frowned as she took several more steps away from him.

“Buffy?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” Angel asked, lowering his voice in response to her whisper.

She shook her head.

“Buffy please…”

“I love you,” she stated firmly. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” he told her even as a chill went through him at her words. The sense of unease he’d had earlier when he’d been told that Buffy had left work with Willow, returned ten fold.

“Spike’s here,” Buffy informed him seriously, and Angel felt as though the ground had given way beneath him. “And he’s alive.”

Chapter 13

Spike managed to stop himself confronting Giles until they reached the older man's car. He had thanked Dr Curtis and followed quietly through the hospital and out to the parking lot.

When Giles was comfortably settled in the driver's seat, Spike finally turned to face him.
"I want to know what's going on. I want to know what you know about me. I want to know how I fit in here. I want to know who I am."
Giles sighed. "It's complicated."
"Clearly," Spike snapped and then shook his head wearily. "Sorry. But this is hard for me. I need you to stop keeping things from me. This is my life we're talking about."
"You won't like it."
"I don't like this. How much worse can it be?"
The Watcher grimaced. "Worse."
"Well you lot seem to care about me so I can't be some sort of evil serial killer…"

Giles didn't say anything. He simply stared at Spike with a strange look on his face.
A cold chill ran down the blonde's spine and he shrank back in his seat. "Tell me the truth. Now."

****

Wesley sipped his coffee as he watched Faith pace back and forth across the living room floor.

"I should have gone with her," the brunette was saying, clearly agitated. "Shouldn't I? You're thinking she needed me with her aren't you?"
"I…"
"She said she was fine. She looked fine. Do you think she was faking?"
"I…"
"I hate being like this. It was so much easier when I wanted to kill her."
Wesley choked on his coffee. "Faith calm down."
"Easy for you to say. You're on Angel's side."

Catching her wrist as she passed, Wesley pulled his girlfriend down next to him on the couch. "I'm not on anyone's side. I only care about you. Now stop worrying about Buffy. She'll be fine."
"No. She won't"

Wesley didn't say anything. He wrapped his arms around Faith and hugged her to him.
"I love you," she murmured against his chest. Her former Watcher smiled and ran a comforting hand over her hair.
"I love you too."

A sudden banging on the door shattered their peaceful moment. The couple were instantly on alert.
"Faith! Are you there? Buffy's not at home. Faith? What's going on:?"

The Slayer opened the door to a trembling Dawn and an annoyed Connor. She waved them inside and led Dawn towards the sofa. Connor nodded briefly towards Wesley and then moved to stare out of the window, effectively ignoring the others.

"Andrew said Spike's alive," Dawn muttered in to the silence.
"Yeah," Faith said simply, sharing a look with her lover.
"Have you seen him?"
"Yeah," the Slayer repeated and waited nervously for the younger girl's reaction.

Dawn remained still and silent as the words sank in. Her life seemed to be rewinding rapidly in her head, taking her back to the last time she had seen her friend.

****

Sunnydale - December 2001

"Spike?"
"Nibblet."
"Buffy's not here."
"Good. Can I come in?"

The teenager stepped back immediately, realising that they were still standing in the doorway.

"Why did you knock?" she asked, following him into the living room. "You usually just stroll right in."
"I wanted to be sure the Slayer wasn't here," Spike told her fidgeting nervously.
Dawn's eyebrows quirked in surprise. "Why?"

Spike sat down on the couch and patted the space next to him. With a smile Dawn curled up beside him.
"We need to talk."
The young girl frowned a little but forced a grin. "Are you breaking up with me?"
"Don't. This isn't easy for me."
"Spike. You're scaring me."
"I'm going away."
"When are you c…?" Dawn began automatically, but stopped herself. "You're not coming back. Are you?"
The vampires shook his head. "I don't think so sweetheart."
"Did Buffy do this?"
"No."
"Liar."

Spike took hold of Dawn's hands and squeezed them comfortingly. "Don't blame your sister. It's my fault."
"Stop defending her."
"Dawn…"
"Don't leave me."
"I can't stay."
"Spike…"
"It's for your own good. Trust me. You'll be better off without me around."
"No. Let me come with you."
"'Bit…"
"I can't stay here without you."
"Dawn!" Spike exploded harshly. "Enough. I just came to say goodbye."

The young girl wrenched her hands away from her friend's and scrambled to her feet. "Go to hell."
"Dawn!" Spike shouted, failing to stop her as she raced to her room and slammed the door."

****

Sunnydale - July 2007

Giles glanced at his passenger and winced. The expression in Spike's face clearly said that if the car hadn't been in motion, he'd be running as fast as he could in the opposite direction. The Watcher had seriously considered pulling over and letting the other man get on with it, but the thought of what it would do to Buffy is Spike left again kept him driving.

"I know it isn't exactly what you wanted to hear," Giles began when the silence became too much. "The very idea that vampires are real is difficult for everyone to come to terms with. Buffy herself didn't take to the idea right away. Or so I'm told. I can imagine how you're feeling."

Spike's eyes were screaming "Stop talking, crazy person," but the Watcher forged ahead regardless.
"It could be worse. I remember once we were…"
"Oh will you please stop talking. Now."

They drove in silence for a while, both lost in their own thoughts.

"I don't understand," Spike said at length. "If I'm - was - a vampire, and Buffy is a…"
"The."
"The - sorry - the Slayer, why is she friends with me?"

Giles thought that that was a wonderful question, but refrained from voicing his opinion of Buffy and Spike's relationship. "You'll have to ask her."

TBC...